My Current Struggle With the Scale (& with myself)

My goal weight is 135 pounds. I am almost 5’6’’, and 135 pounds is a healthy weight for me, but that is not why my goal weight is 135.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve really needed to confront my weight goals and the thoughts associated with them. It’s funny… as much as I remind myself that those numbers are just numbers, I still struggle daily with the lies I tell myself about what those numbers really mean.

200. Someone once told me that if I weighed less than 200 pounds, I was not fat. Can you guess what my brain has done with that tidbit? Originally, when I first dropped below 200, I was ecstatic! It’s a huge milestone, of course. Now that 200 is well in my past, getting anywhere near it causes me to absolutely tear myself to shreds. The moment I hit 190, I Freak. Out.

Seeing 190 on the scale immediately equates to the scale opening some very well-hidden mouth and saying to me “hey, Lisa…you’re now a worthless, un-loveable failure!” 190 freaks me out.

145. This is where I used to be. This is the absolute lowest weight I have ever attained since I reached maturity. I was 16 when I weighed 145, and I think (now) that I looked darn good back then.

(Pic of me in a play during High School…I actually don’t know how much I weighed in this picture)

In truth, I feel that 145 should be my goal weight. 145 looks good on me and is something I feel I can maintain for the long term, but 145 is not my goal weight because I have a very messed up relationship with numbers on scales.

135. Someone very important in my life once told me that 135 would be a perfect weight for me. Of course, what I heard and seem to still believe is that 135 will make me perfect.

Hello, big silly lie that I tell myself. I’m pretty sure weighing 135 is not going to make me perfect. But why can’t I get my heart to understand that? Something inside of me is screaming to get to 135

because this person never believed that I could…

because this person wasn’t able to love me at 145…

because I was never able to be good enough to reach it.

Wait a minute! Aren’t goals supposed to be something you set for YOURSELF? Aren’t they supposed to be something I want to achieve for ME? Not for anyone else! Isn’t that what I’ve talked about over and over on here?

I’ve talked on here so strongly about how these numbers shouldn’t equate to worth, but every time I think I’ve leapt that hurdle for good, I find another one right in front of me waiting to trip me up. Even now…writing this…I’m going to be honest with you: I’m not ready to give up on 135. Even while I’m confessing to you that my goal should NOT be 135 because setting my goal at 135 gives this past person and the number on a scale too much power, I can’t bring myself to change the goal.

But I will…eventually. Just like my head seems aware that the number doesn’t equate to worth, my head has also accepted that my goal should be 140-145. I really, truly hope that soon I can leap over this really daunting hurdle and love myself enough to change my goal.

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2 thoughts on “My Current Struggle With the Scale (& with myself)

  1. My goal weight is 140. I weighed between 140 – 145 the year I got married and remember being comfortable with myself. I was “a little chubby” but out of control and I was happy with my body then. This is, in my simple opinion, the goal you should have: to get to a weight where you feel comfortable with yourself again. Not a number that someone else picks for you, especially if that someone never really loved you. And even more especially if that person isn’t in your life anymore. They aren’t the one who has to live with numbers, after all. You do.

    Now, if you don’t want to give up on 135, maybe figuring out how to make that *your* number and not this other person’s? Own 135, claim it, and do it in a way that takes the power back from them and puts it in your hands.

    Also, be proud of what you have accomplished, because you certainly deserve it. Love yourself, and be kind to yourself. The rest will fall into place in its own time.

    • Thank you so much for this response, debc. You’re totally right:the number really shouldn’t be the ultimate goal — the being comfortable and loving myself is the ultimate goal no matter what number flashes on a scale.

      I really needed to hear that.

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