My goal weight is 135 pounds. I am almost 5’6’’, and 135 pounds is a healthy weight for me, but that is not why my goal weight is 135.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve really needed to confront my weight goals and the thoughts associated with them. It’s funny… as much as I remind myself that those numbers are just numbers, I still struggle daily with the lies I tell myself about what those numbers really mean.
200. Someone once told me that if I weighed less than 200 pounds, I was not fat. Can you guess what my brain has done with that tidbit? Originally, when I first dropped below 200, I was ecstatic! It’s a huge milestone, of course. Now that 200 is well in my past, getting anywhere near it causes me to absolutely tear myself to shreds. The moment I hit 190, I Freak. Out.
Seeing 190 on the scale immediately equates to the scale opening some very well-hidden mouth and saying to me “hey, Lisa…you’re now a worthless, un-loveable failure!” 190 freaks me out.
145. This is where I used to be. This is the absolute lowest weight I have ever attained since I reached maturity. I was 16 when I weighed 145, and I think (now) that I looked darn good back then.
(Pic of me in a play during High School…I actually don’t know how much I weighed in this picture)
In truth, I feel that 145 should be my goal weight. 145 looks good on me and is something I feel I can maintain for the long term, but 145 is not my goal weight because I have a very messed up relationship with numbers on scales.
135. Someone very important in my life once told me that 135 would be a perfect weight for me. Of course, what I heard and seem to still believe is that 135 will make me perfect.
Hello, big silly lie that I tell myself. I’m pretty sure weighing 135 is not going to make me perfect. But why can’t I get my heart to understand that? Something inside of me is screaming to get to 135
because this person never believed that I could…
because this person wasn’t able to love me at 145…
because I was never able to be good enough to reach it.
Wait a minute! Aren’t goals supposed to be something you set for YOURSELF? Aren’t they supposed to be something I want to achieve for ME? Not for anyone else! Isn’t that what I’ve talked about over and over on here?
I’ve talked on here so strongly about how these numbers shouldn’t equate to worth, but every time I think I’ve leapt that hurdle for good, I find another one right in front of me waiting to trip me up. Even now…writing this…I’m going to be honest with you: I’m not ready to give up on 135. Even while I’m confessing to you that my goal should NOT be 135 because setting my goal at 135 gives this past person and the number on a scale too much power, I can’t bring myself to change the goal.
But I will…eventually. Just like my head seems aware that the number doesn’t equate to worth, my head has also accepted that my goal should be 140-145. I really, truly hope that soon I can leap over this really daunting hurdle and love myself enough to change my goal.