Do you ever mind sharing your food? If someone asks to taste your meal at a restaurant, how does it make you feel? Do you even think twice about it?
Even since I was a kid, sharing my food has caused me grief. The mere request to taste my food would set my emotions to panic, anger, and grief all at once. I still vividly remember one occasion with my family on a trip to Jamestown as a kid. Us kids got ice cream cones, and my dad asked to taste mine. Reluctantly, I handed it over; he literally bit off the entire swirl of ice cream that was on top of the cone in one bite (and got a nasty brainfreeze – totally deserved). I cried; I probably wouldstill cry if someone did that to my ice cream!
Silly as that event was meant to be, it obviously stuck with me. That’s because people eating my food causes me to panic. I don’t know if it’s fear that there won’t be enough or what. I absolutely never shared my food with anyone until very recently (in the last 2 years), and I never tasted their food either.
In the past couple of years, I’ve actually found myself content with sharing my food. I’ll offer tastes to my boyfriend or family members; I’ll gladly sample theirs as well. Last night, however, I found myself confronting old emotions. I was at a rather expensive restaurant with some friends. I ordered a fairly expensive (for me at least) plate of food, and I wasn’t really impressed with the quality. On top of that, I had just had a very emotional conversation with someone and was in a bad place mentally.
I had eaten all that I wanted of my meal and was planning to bring the rest back with me. Before I could ask for a box, my friend asked for some of my food.
Immediately, I panicked. I was pissed that she’d asked, had no idea how to say no, and then immediately grieved the loss of my food; “my” being the key word in that thought.
I reluctantly let her have the bit of food she’d asked for and then, in a huff, immediately forced myself to finish everything left on my plate despite the fact that I was full.
What was that about? Where did that come from? I feel silly for my actions now and honestly think that food shouldn’t be such a big deal to me — but it is. I thought I’d moved past this food possessiveness thing, but like many other food issues, it appears to go deeper than I once thought.
I’m not really alarmed that the issue has resurfaced; it just provides me with something else about myself to consider. My relationship with food is clearly still imperfect, and that’s okay; we’ll get there someday.