The other day, I was running on the treadmill like normal and was nearing the end of my typical 30 minute, 2-mile run. I was about ready to start cooling down at the time. It hadn’t been the best run; I was just a bit too slow and lacking in stamina that day. I was feeling discouraged and frustrated, as I’ve been feeling a lot lately. Then, randomly, Pandora started playing one of my favorite songs from Wicked (as performed on the TV show “Glee”): Defying Gravity.
(Here is a youtube video of just the audio to the song. If you’ve never heard it before, I’d love if you’d listen before or while reading the rest of my blog!)
This song isn’t new to me at all. I’m very familiar with the lyrics, and I’ve probably sung them a million times into my hairbrush while dancing around my apartment in my PJs. But for some reason, on this day, the lyrics suddenly became more than just words to a song I love.
You’ve probably experienced it before – that moment when you hear a song that just completely explains everything you’re thinking, feeling, and struggling with at the moment. That few minutes when everything comes together and you totally and completely understand and confront all of the things you’ve been keeping yourself from facing.
I cranked up the speed on my treadmill and ran faster than I’ve ever run in my life for longer than I’ve ever been able to sustain that speed. And while I was running, I realized and processed so much…
(Pic from 2009)
Something has truly changed within me over the last 2 years; and it is absolutely too late to ever go back and forget all that I’ve learned, faced, and overcome. I stand here at the brink of a new decade; I weighed in at 170.0 this past Saturday, and I’m about to succeed as I’ve never succeeded before. This success has been scaring me lately… because it goes against everything I’ve ever truly believed about my ability to succeed.
But, for the first time in my life, my weight loss journey is my own. It’s not something I’m doing for anyone else and on anyone else’s terms. It’s under my control only, and nobody else can take any credit for it. Nobody else is dictating my goals; and nobody is standing in my way and telling me that I can’t accomplish my goals.
All my life I’ve tried to lose weight, get fit, and be attractive enough to be good enough for love; I’ve always been afraid of being too fat to love. In the words of “Defying Gravity,” “Well if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost.”
This weight loss journey I’m on… it’s required me to defy the odds, which have never been in my favor. It’s meant turning my back on everyone and everything that has ever told me I can’t do it…everyone I’d believed for SO long… and showing myself that I can.
“Kiss me goodbye… I’m defying gravity, and you won’t bring me down!”
160s, here I come!