Learning to Be Me

This blog post isn’t really just about weight loss; it’s about me — all of me — and I sure as heck am a lot more than just my weight.

It has come to my attention that I have absolutely no idea how to “just be.” I am always doing something. I am always going somewhere. The concept of being … well, that’s a lot harder for me to grasp.

When I first began my weight loss, self love, get-out-of-depression journey a few years ago, I realized that I had no idea who I was. My identity comprised other peoples’ opinions (real or self-perceived) of me, numbers on a scale, societal definitions, expectations from external sources, a whole heck of a lot of self hatred — I could go on. My point is — I didn’t really know who I was. The essential Me. I didn’t know what made me tick, what I loved, what got me out of bed in the morning, what would make my heart race, what could make me split into a grin, what might make me cry… I didn’t know myself at all.

So, I decided to try and get to know myself; and, I started with 2 things that I did know:

knew that I wanted to lose weight — I joined weight watchers.

knew that horseback riding was something I loved in my childhood — I started taking horseback riding lessons.

As I have gotten to know myself, I have started to do more and more:

I know I love cats and have a passion for rescue — I started fostering cats and volunteering at events/doing adoption interviews.

I know I love baking — I started baking cakes for all occasions.

I know I love God — I joined a church.

I know I love to sing — I joined my church’s worship team.

I met a man, I met the man, I got married, I bought a house, I joined a zillion meetup groups, I made friends, I began running a meetup group out of my own home, I started blogging, I joined a bible study, I started a bible study, I joined a meditation group, I began taking spiritual healing workshops, I started leasing a horse on top of taking lessons… the list goes on.

I am really really good at doing.

All this time, I thought that all of this stuff I was doing was because I finally knew who I was.

I was wrong. What I do is not all of who I am. I still don’t really know all of who I am.

Sure, I know what I love to do. I’ve figured part of this equation out: I know what makes me tick, I know where my passions lie, and I know what I believe in.

And yet, if you were to take away all of my doings… what would be left? That would be me — a part of me that I’m afraid I don’t know.

I’m at a point in my life where I am bouncing all around trying to find fulfillment and wholeness in all of my doings. But, the truth is, none of my doings are ever going to truly fulfill me until I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart love myself. And, I can’t really truly love myself until I know myself.

So, here’s to the next step in my journey — learning to be. Learning the part of being that lies outside of doing.

And not just learning to be… but learning to be me.

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Learning to Be Me

  1. I had a lightbulb moment last month when I realized that I need to / get to / am free to choose to love who I am *being*, not only who I am becoming.

  2. I’m not good at just being, either, though I’m making progress. My question is this: How do you know if you know who you really are? I don’t mean that facetiously; it’s something I’m trying to figure out for myself. What questions would I need to be able to answer to say, “I know myself”?

  3. I just read this post, going back in time from the very popular one that brought me here. And I wonder, how to know oneself? How people do that? I’m asking so, as I’m struggling for years to know myself, to find passion for life, and in vain.
    By the way, I love cats too.
    And relating to one of your posts, I will try to acknowledge strangers more. Elderly ones, I’m too shy to do so with people about my age.

    • The best I can figure out is those moments of peace when it feels as if everything is exactly as it is supposed to be even if it’s not perfect – those are the moments when I’ve found myself. I find myself on horses when I ride. I find myself when one of my foster cats makes progress or gets adopted. I find myself with my family sometimes. I find myself when I watch the sun rise. I find myself a million times…I lose myself pretty quickly after, but maybe we all do. I haven’t figure that out yet.

  4. “But, the truth is, none of my doings are ever going to truly fulfill me until I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart love myself. And, I can’t really truly love myself until I know myself.” I think there is truth in this, but there is possibly more to add to the thought. So may times we think ‘know myself’= know the good things about myself, the lovable parts of myself. But what if there aren’t any…in and of ourselves? I know I’m going to lose a lot of people in this thought, but true when we see the truth of our sinful nature as human beings and accept that here is nothing lovable in us,,,,yet Christ died for us. When we see that grace and live out of a place of grace, that’s when we can ‘know ourselves’ and be ok with ‘being’ (because we aren’t capable of anything apart from God’s grace anyway). It’s all grace. I highly recommend J.Pipers DVD+study guide of Future Grace. Will change your life. Promise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s