Learning to Trust My Body

One. More. Month!

Of course – they say it’s the longest month of your life, so… But here I am!

36 weeks pregnant.

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 8.41.58 PM

I’ve gained 35 pounds.

So, I think I can officially say that I will be going over the “recommended weight gain” guidelines for pregnancy. That’s ok. It’s going to be ok. If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout this process it’s that pregnancy is a time for trusting my body. And my body wants to gain more than 35 pounds. And it’s going to be ok.

Honestly, the fact that I can say that and mean it really gives me some hope. At my lowest weight, I could never say it was going to be ok. I was terrified. I needed control. Of my food, of my body, of my weight, of everything. I’m still scared; I still want to be in control. But, I can say that it’s going to be ok. And I can mean it.

I’ve tracked my food throughout my entire pregnancy. It’s something I’ve done for 6 years now, it’s how I lost my weight, and it’s now a habit that I think may be a life-long change. For me, it’s comforting to be able to look back and say that I know what I’ve consumed, so if my scale jumps, there is no wondering “did I really eat that much?” I can know: no, I didn’t. So, it’s something else.

Pregnancy has taken a lot of control away from me. I can’t control a wiggling baby inside of me. I can’t control swelling, my increased heart rate, or any number of symptoms. This has been scary and difficult for me. It’s been especially hard to not be able to fully control my weight. I was really frightened early on because while everyone else seemed to lose weight 1st trimester, I gained. I belong to an online community of pregnant ladies, and I swear…every time we’d talk about weight gain, the conversation would go something like… “I’m 20 weeks and up 3 pounds!” “I’m 22 weeks and still at my pre-pregnancy weight!” “I’m 25 weeks and am 10 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight!” … then, there was me: I gained 14 pounds in 1st trimester alone. Everyone told me that 3rd trimester would be rapid weight gain. I was terrified. But, fortunately, my body (so far!!) has been more of the slow and steady type. And, gradually, I’ve begun to trust it. I’ve begun to listen to it rather than force it into my strict guidelines. And, it’s been ok. Everything is ok.

Once the baby is born, I’m going to need to reevaluate. I’m not who I was a year ago when my “After Myth” post went viral. I’m not the same me. I’m not even the same me that I was 9 months ago when I got pregnant. I will never be the same me again. I’m not sure what that “me” is going to look like, believe, feel, think, care about, eat…. But, I do know this: it’s going to be ok.

I think I can trust my body.

I think, maybe, I can even one day trust myself.

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12 thoughts on “Learning to Trust My Body

  1. You’ll be fine! Enjoy the amazing experience of being a mom!!! Best thing that ever happened to me, bar none!

    I had toxemia in my pregnancy and was confined to bed rest for 4 months. (It depressed the hell out of me and I gained 80 lbs!) Do yourself a favor after the baby is born. Try to breast feed if it works for both of you. The weight will fall off. Everyone I know who suck with it said it made a major difference in losing the pregnancy weight. I even lost 30 lbs at first, but it wasn’t working for my son, so I quit. If they’d had decent pumps back then I would have used one.

    Wishing you the very, very best for this fantastic journey you’re on. You’re an inspiration.

  2. Looks like I’ve missed a few of your posts, but I so enjoy them when they come up in my reader. Your growing confidence in yourself and the wisdom of your body inspires me–a grandmother too close to seventy–to trust the wisdom of my body as it navigates the changes wrought by time and age. Thank you, once more, for sharing your story.

  3. You have inspired so many people with your honesty and again with this post. I too tracked my weight for my first pregnancy and whilst it is scary at first it’s great knowing that your body is creating life. As Gabrielle pointed out, breastfeeding really helps lose some of the baby weight. Plus it has some great health benefits for both you and baby! Either way, enjoy being mum!

  4. Sending you so many good thoughts. You are amazing, and what a beautiful journey having a baby is. I know everyone is different, but I gained 35lbs with my 1st son, who was 10lbs 2 ounces, and at my 6 week check up I had lost 30lbs. I didn’t do anything special to try to lose weight at that point, I was just so wrapped up with my son. 🙂 So much of the weight must have been baby and water weight etc. Everyone is different. I remember the girls in my lamaze group and how we all said how skinny we felt after having our 1st babies, even though we were not even close to our pre-baby weight at the time. It is just an amazing feeling to know our bodies created this amazing experience of having had a baby, becoming a family. 🙂 That was a plus. Birth is such an amazing experience, It is like no other, trusting your body, trusting yourself that is absolutely beautiful and you will do well. Congratulations and thank you for being so honest and such an inspiration. Best wishes on the birth of your little one. ❤

  5. Every woman’s body is different, every pregnancy is different. As long as you and your baby are healthy that’s all that matters. Listen to your body now and after you have your baby, it will tell you what it needs.

  6. Pingback: Learning to Trust My Body | Health In You

  7. By now you must have your baby already, congratulations! It’s hard going through such drastic physical changes in so little time. Mentally and emotionally it’s draining. But eventually you come out stronger. I’ve always struggled with weight issues, and after my daughter was born I added to that the fact that my c-section rendered me a breathing potato sack who for about a week couldn’t even pick up my baby. I actually just wrote a post about the ordeal, if you’re up for some reading. In any case, know you’re not alone in the struggle. It’s not easy, but we’re all a work in progress. Much love!

  8. You looked beautiful 🙂 It’s okay you will lose weight when you breastfeeding. It’s natural, hope your pregnancy doing well and wish for the best for the baby 🙂

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