“I am Whole30!” That’s what those who complete a round of this elimination diet post on day 31 (or beyond). Well, today is my day 31, and so, today, I felt it important for me to say…though I successfully completed a Whole30 round, I am not Whole30.
Whole30 did not make me whole.
Like most people with food and eating issues, I have relationship problems.
My relationships with people? …fragile.
My relationship with food? …complicated.
My relationships with numbers? …obsessive.
My relationship with myself? …abusive.
Like a lot of people with or without food and eating issues, I often struggle with a feeling of “never enough.”
Never enough money.
Never enough time.
Never enough energy.
Never full enough.
Never fulfilled enough.
Never thin enough.
Never strong enough.
Will I ever be enough?
Funny thing about food issues — they are rarely solved by food. Neither the addition nor elimination of it. That’s because food issues are rarely about food.
They are about fullness. Enoughness. Worthiness.
They are about feelings and the overwhelming act of feeling them.
They are about aloneness and emptiness and the desperate search for connection and safety and something reliable…that will not leave you, nor hurt you, nor change.
They are about control and the terror of realizing how very little of it we have in life. Over anything. Not even over our own bodies.
No diet, meal plan, exercise regime, or heroic amount of self control can solve food issues. And, I desperately wish I could sit here and tell you what can solve them, but your answer will likely be different from mine.
I can tell you that it’s not Whole30. It’s not Weight Watchers or keto or going paleo, vegetarian, vegan, or raw. I can tell you that the answers aren’t there. Those are merely different ways of eating, and food issues aren’t solved through eating (nor are they solved through starving).
In fact, maybe food issues…at least mine…aren’t even food issues at all. Maybe they are, in fact, a coping mechanism for something not even remotely related to food.
This is tough shit, guys. This is coming face to face with yourself and realizing that deep fear of “not enough-ness” you (I) carry will not just go away if you (I) lose weight.
Changing the number on the scale… that’s the easy part of this. Changing the “number” (the value) I assign myself… that’s the hard part.