Whole30 Did Not Make Me Whole

“I am Whole30!” That’s what those who complete a round of this elimination diet post on day 31 (or beyond). Well, today is my day 31, and so, today, I felt it important for me to say…though I successfully completed a Whole30 round, I am not Whole30.

Whole30 did not make me whole.

Let’s rewind.

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Like most people with food and eating issues, I have relationship problems.

My relationships with people? …fragile.

My relationship with food? …complicated.

My relationships with numbers? …obsessive.

My relationship with myself? …abusive.

 

Like a lot of people with or without food and eating issues, I often struggle with a feeling of “never enough.”

Never enough money.

Never enough time.

Never enough energy.

Never full enough.

Never fulfilled enough.

Never thin enough.

Never strong enough.

Will I ever be enough?

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Funny thing about food issues — they are rarely solved by food. Neither the addition nor elimination of it. That’s because food issues are rarely about food.

They are about fullness. Enoughness. Worthiness.

They are about feelings and the overwhelming act of feeling them.

They are about aloneness and emptiness and the desperate search for connection and safety and something reliable…that will not leave you, nor hurt you, nor change.

They are about control and the terror of realizing how very little of it we have in life. Over anything. Not even over our own bodies.

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No diet, meal plan, exercise regime, or heroic amount of self control can solve food issues. And, I desperately wish I could sit here and tell you what can solve them, but your answer will likely be different from mine.

I can tell you that it’s not Whole30. It’s not Weight Watchers or keto or going paleo, vegetarian, vegan, or raw. I can tell you that the answers aren’t there. Those are merely different ways of eating, and food issues aren’t solved through eating (nor are they solved through starving).

In fact, maybe food issues…at least mine…aren’t even food issues at all. Maybe they are, in fact, a coping mechanism for something not even remotely related to food.

This is tough shit, guys. This is coming face to face with yourself and realizing that deep fear of “not enough-ness” you (I) carry will not just go away if you (I) lose weight.

Changing the number on the scale… that’s the easy part of this. Changing the “number” (the value) I assign myself… that’s the hard part.

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9 thoughts on “Whole30 Did Not Make Me Whole

  1. Your list of relationship issues makes so much sense as does your list for ‘never enoughs’. I love how you get to the core of food/weight issues and agree it’s not really about the food. Wouldn’t it be great if there were an easy answer. Thanks for sharing. I plan to keep listening.

  2. I cannot remember when I read something that made so much sense to me. Thank you. May we both find that we are so much more than enough.

  3. Lisa, the only thing I have ever found that fulfills my “aloneness and emptiness and the desperate search for connection and safety and something reliable…that will not leave you, nor hurt you, nor change” is God and my relationship with Him. He is also where I found my enoughness and value. Even all the years of therapy could not completely fix my problem…they definitely helped. But only God’s unconditional love, and finding His purpose for my life finally filled me with what I needed. I pray that you also will find this peace that passes all understanding.

  4. So grateful for your sharing, have followed your blog for a while. Like you, I almost had weight loss surgery and for me it changed at the last minute due to complication. I thought I would die of obesity, but found OA/12 step program for compulsive overeating/food addiction. With that was able to release 175lbs and down to a normal weight now, I still struggle at times but 12 step program helps me so much spiritually, mentally/emotionally and physically, but that is just me and I know it is not for everyone. And I could so relate to your raw and truthful post partum post too. I just so appreciate your openness and can relate and wanted to say thank you ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. You really write the truth of these things, and even without answers, there’s the struggle, and I appreciate sharing something–even a struggle.

  6. Yes. I could not agree with you more. If I can accomplish the monumental task of having a healthy internal dialogue with myself, the weight and food obsession goes away. The battle for me is to be constantly vigilant to recognize when the voice in my head is being mean and/or dishonest and fight back with what I know to be the truth: I am enough. My value is not based on my beauty, my intelligence, or my productivity. I am loved, accepted, and blessed. Anything that tells me something different is lying or trying to sell me something. I’m not buying it anymore….especially not a diet.

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