This is Real Life…An Uninspirational Blog Post

It’s been a month since my last post, and though I have been reluctant to write, I wanted to stick to my goal of including  this blog in my present journey. So, here I am…with a confession:

I’m tracking macros again, and my abusive relationship with numbers (and myself) is in a definite “on again” phase.

I am very frustrated this morning.

I’m angry, actually.

I’m angry that this is so difficult.

I’m angry that the real “meat” of a disordered relationship with food and body is so illusive.

Honestly, the food is the easy part. Food is concrete: eating it or restricting it in many various ways are all firmly graspable behaviors that can be forced in one direction or the other. It’s the mental and emotional battle that leaves me feeling hopeless. As I said in one of my online support groups this morning: I can make myself eat bread; I can’t make myself be OK with it.

The thing is, I feel like the only thing anyone is prepared to help me with is the food, and it’s making me worry that that’s all that anyone CAN help me with. That I’m doomed to one of two fates: follow my obsession & live it out loud… or don’t actually act it out — follow someone else’s plan instead — but still be trapped with it in my head. And, honestly, I’m not sure which of those two outcomes is the easiest to live with.

I really don’t have much more than that to share at this point. I will say that the path I’m currently being nudged down is towards “intuitive eating.” I’m reading the book, and I’ve joined a couple of online intuitive eating support communities, but I currently can’t even imagine it ever being possible for me. I’m not even sure I can bring myself to want it. The truth is…I don’t trust my body to tell me how to eat, and I don’t trust myself with food. I can’t imagine a world in which my weight doesn’t determine my worthiness, and I’m not sure I can ever believe that to be true…not in my world. True for others, but not for me.

10 thoughts on “This is Real Life…An Uninspirational Blog Post

  1. Of all the blogs you’ve written, this one is actually the most profound. I can relate, not to the same issue, but to stay accountable to the blog and not being happy where you are in the moment. Maybe you aren’t looking for advice, but since you can’t respond as I’m typing I will assume my words will meet you safely….accept where you are. Accept the anger. Accept the doubt you feel. Accept where you are exactly in this moment. No future worries, but just as it is in this present place. Then, love yourself. Love that you are angry. Love that it is frustrating. Love that you see it. Love yourself exactly where you are in this present place. And watch the anger subside, the doubt releasing as you set your eyes on it. You make another choice and remind yourself that you are a powerful being and you got this, maybe you don’t know how but trust that in your soul deep down you know that you are enough. Kudos to you for being vulnerable, it is the biggest act of bravery!

      • Louise Hay always said that you should look in the mirror and repeat I love you to your reflection. At first it’s hard to meet your own eyes. I cried at first. Then I recognized myself as an old friend. I always say, the voice in your head needs to talk like you are best friends. You don’t tell your friend I don’t love you, you’re not good enough. You must start telling yourself that you indeed love yourself even at first you don’t believe it. Repetition is key. New habits form. Just as an evolution in eating habits then we must find the repetition in loving ourselves. So, as my soul is recognizing your soul I’m telling you…you are pure love. The most purest of love beating in that blessed body of yours. So if I can see it then you will see it too.

  2. Lisa,

    My heart aches for you. I have been there, and was there for almost 50 years. But there IS a better way. And you are right. it isn’t about the food, though the food has to be dealt with. It is emotional and spiritual at its root.

    I invite you to check out my From Food to Faith program. It begins October 1 and combines the physical (the food and caring for our bodies), the emotional, and the spiritual, as well as professional group coaching and support.

    I promise you it is life-changing. Let me know if you want more info and I’m happy to help in any way I can. Don’t lose hope. In love, Becky Ivory


  3. I am in the process of reading and using a workbook called The Food Addiction Recovery Workbook by Carolyn Coker Ross. She explains a lot of early childhood matters and how that can influence today. I thought my childhood was stable until I read about attachment with your mother/family. My mom had to leave me with a lot of caregivers when I was young to work and I was bullied in school for my weight.
    PLEASE do not stop writing this stuff. We are all feeling these things and it helps so much for you to write this. There IS safety in numbers.
    I feel the exact same way as you do and am trying to trust my body to eat intuitively. It’s my mind that gives me trouble lol. I am trying not do do low carb. I am trying to eat deliciously and still lose weight. Can it be done? Maybe. Maybe not. Our journey will tell us.
    Is this all there is to life? Nope. This is just a small part of it and we can move on. It just feels like a huge part of our lives sometimes. You are brave and wonderful and helping me so much. It is so much easier to support another woman than to support myself.
    Love your willingness and truth!!

  4. Lisa so grateful for your sharing, even when it is so hard. I tried the exercise Macy described years ago and it was amazing. I hated myself, hated! but was willing to try this for 30 days, even if it just meant looking at my eyes and saying I love you, and ignoring every other part. I remember thinking okay I have this one freckle I liked even, silly, but I could say I love you to a freckle and agreed to try looking in my eyes and doing the same. After 30 days things were shifting, I felt so differently. It seems simplistic, but it is a powerful exercise for sure. And the tears, yes, they were there too just like you share Macy. ❤ ❤ ❤ Gentle thoughts to you all. ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. I’ve been reading your blog on and off for several years. I truly appreciate how hard it is to put oneself out there when things feel like they’re spiraling. I’m currently 350 lbs and doing the prep for metabolic surgery for next year. I’m terrified of that actually — it could be easy to fall into the numbers trap again and I spent a long time letting that go (and the weight climbed). My therapist has been trying to get something through my head lately — I’m not sure I am anywhere near to achieving it yet but, I’ll share… She asked me to think about the voice I use when I talk to myself, in my head. How does it sound? And then she asked me if there were a kinder, gentler tone I could use? I don’t know what that looks like or how it really sounds, but it does give me pause. It’s easy to say you should love yourself but it’s counter productive when the voice shouting in my head is so accusatory, critical, and fundamentally unkind. I don’t know the solution to that problem yet, but your post made me think about that. It’s not about the food — it’s about how we talk to ourself — I think…

  6. I so understand where you’re coming from- just keep moving forward even if it’s one step forward and two back. At least you’re going forward.
    And yes, we all mess up. I’ve messed up too. After God helped me lose 90lbs, I returned to my old habits and gained some weight back.
    But failure is not messing up or falling down. Failure is getting up and starting over again.
    Both of us can start over and finish victorious. How about that.

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