No-Track November

I’ve been bouncing around the idea of trying out intuitive eating (or at least not tracking my food) for some time now. I’m not sure I can convey the anxiety this concept causes me, but let me try:

Imagine everything in your life that matters to you: everyone you love, everyone who loves you, all you have accomplished, all of your hopes and dreams for yourself and your loved ones.

Now, imagine all of those things only exist in your life for as long as you remain in firm control of your caloric intake, body shape, and the number on the scale.

If you’ve been able to conjure up the feeling of life-ending anxiety and pressure that entails, then you now know what every single moment of my life feels like for me. And, you’ll understand a little better the magnitude of this decision.

I am doing this for a few reasons:

1. I’m honestly curious what will happen. Can someone who was previously obese, lost the weight, and maintained that loss for years actually give up tracking food and NOT gain everything back? I don’t know. And, I don’t know how else to find out except to experiment.

2. There’s some scary shit beneath the surface of this eating disorder. If I’m not obsessing over calories and macros, what is going to come up? What will fill my mind? I want to tackle the deeper layer now. I can only do that if I am not numbing myself with restriction and food obsession.

3. I realized recently that both mine and my family’s diets are rather limited. I do all of the cooking, and I tend to cook the same “safe foods” repeatedly. I also often eat something entirely different from the rest of my family. This is not how I want to raise my daughter. Also, it’s not how I want to live. I LOVE cooking…or, at least, I used to…

So, here we go.

There’s no other way to do this but to just do it — and it needs to be for long enough that I can really truly see “what happens.” We’ll start with a month.

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12 thoughts on “No-Track November

  1. Good for you!! It’s a scary step you’re taking … but this reader has a feeling you’ll be just fine. You didn’t achieve your incredible transformation *just* by counting calories, but by modifying a dozen thought patterns and behaviors over the years. Plus, it’s very wise and generous and loving of you to consider how your daughter’s relationship with food is being influenced by watching you. I look forward to hearing how you’re feeling about your experiment a month from now.

    • Thank you for the support! It is true that I am not the same person I was a decade ago or even 3 years ago. My nutritionist is confident I “won’t go back.” I’m trying to leverage her confidence.

  2. This sounds like a hard but perhaps necessary experiment. The best remedy for fear (anxiety) is to face it head on. Hiding from it, or avoiding it just gives it more power. You can do this!!
    Love you!

  3. I never comment, but I’ve been following your story with a lot of interest and I’m rooting for you. I think you’re really brave to wrestle with this so openly and not try to numb it out. You’re doing something really good for your daughter by dealing with this while she’s still young. Good luck.

  4. Your honesty in describing the journey–its challenges and your fears–is refreshing. The struggle is real. Carry on and don’t stop until you find the answers you seek. My money is on you!

  5. Thanks for sharing your journey. This IS a big step, but you’re in control and have so many good self and outside supports you’re ready to try! And you can always reach for pen and paper (or keyboard) just as fast as you can open the fridge , so that support/ routine is still there if you need it!

  6. This is a scary step, but also amazing. I changed—or am still working to change—- how I eat, how I view food and my body when my daughter was born because I want different for her. I really believe that finding out what is under the eating disorder and learning to change your habits is a gift to your daughter (and to you as well). I’m rooting for you!

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