I Am a Fraud

I am a fraud.

Four months ago, I came on here and wrote that I was done caring about what the scale said. Fuck Thin; I Choose Fat was so easy to say, though, when the scale had been sitting eerily still for months on end. The truth is, the moment that scale moved again — even just a tiny bit — I freaked out and jumped right back on the diet train for the last month.

To be honest, guys, I’m kind of a fraud all around. I write in these blogs with all of the passion I have in a given moment, but then I immediately turn around to my real life of not actually knowing who I am or what I believe. I preach intuitive eating and “screw diets” while not-so-secretly still dieting myself. I say “I’d rather be fat than eating disordered” while secretly thinking to myself “but, I don’t want to give up my thin privilege now that I’ve finally gotten it.”

It is so easy to preach “be done with diets” when society, doctors, and everyone around you is no longer really telling you, personally, that you should be dieting. It is so easy to say “all foods are allowed” when people around you have finally determined that you are deserving of all foods now that you have lost the weight. When nobody is side-eyeing you for buying candy or for being in a store that doesn’t even carry your size.

The world is shitty to fat people.

Why wouldn’t I be afraid of being back in that place?

In any case, this post is mostly just me coming back, tail between my legs, and telling you that I totally did not do the thing I said I was going to do. That being said, I’m here to try again. A little humbler, and a little more honest.

 

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31 thoughts on “I Am a Fraud

  1. It’s so bloody hard, I completely empathise with your struggle. You’re not a fraud, you’re just a human in a modern day society that is cruel to fat people. Hope you’re not beating yourself up too much.

  2. While I 100% can relate to feeling like a fraud (hello, overweight personal training and grp fitness instructor here) I actually think you nailed. You were writing with all the passion and motivation you were feeling IN THAT MOMENT. There is NOTHING fraudulent about that. It is honest and vulnerable and EXACTLY why I read your posts. 🙂

  3. The diet industry is a money-making machine. Everyone has a different point of view and all of us have different metabolisms. What works for one does not work for everyone. Fighting through the judgement and just loving ourselves is the most important step. Be easy on yourself.

  4. You are not a fraud, you are one of the most beautifully honest people I “know” and you have no need to come back with your tail between your legs! You speak so perfectly to my heart every single time you write and I always end up in tears! You put so perfectly into words the things I cannot write but am experiencing myself.

    You are not alone in this horrible world of eating disorders. I spent my entire life being fat. The body shaming, no self esteem, feeling like I’d be happy if I could only be thin, not wanting to go out because I was too fat – all of it, every day of my life. Then I worked my ass off and lost 125 lbs. I finally had what I always wanted and it still wasn’t enough. I plateaued and then started gaining only keeping off about 100 of the original 125. My life has not changed much despite the gains and losses. On both ends of the spectrum I still body shame, I still have no self esteem, I still feel like I could be happier if only…, I still don’t want to go out due to my weight. It’s really no way to live the constant depression and feeling of not enough.

    But NerdyBrit (from the above comment) is correct. We are only human in a harsh society. I can’t speak for you, but for myself I need to keep trying. Not necessarily for weight loss (although I will), but for weight acceptance and for being happy with what I am, fat, flaws, and all.

    • Thank you ❤ I relate to this so much. I have never approved of my body – not at my thinnest, largest, or anywhere in between. The one thing that has made me really start to feel differently about it is running & lifting. I'm like "damn, body! You can do things I never realized you could do!" … I'm trying really hard to avoid mirrors right now and focus on that sort of thing instead.

  5. You’re so not alone. We all feel like frauds from time to time, myself included, myself included*. But when you share what you’re doing and feeling right then and there you are bravely sharing, openly and honestly, and that is to be commended.

    Speaking of feeling like a fraud, here I am eating and preaching plant-based vegan nutrition, but has it worked for me? Sort of. Am I reversing heart disease? Yep! Have I gained additional health benefits as a result? Most definitely. And although health should be my top priority, as a life-long dieter whose only substantial weight loss came at the expense of extreme starvation, it’s not. I’m still overweight, even as I blog easy and delish plant-based recipes I still carry excess pounds, and no matter how much I try, I cannot stop the desire to look like Erin Stern or Nicole Wilkins; I cannot stop obsessing about my overabundant body fat. I train hard at the gym; I have more muscle than most 57 year olds, but it’s covered in fluff, and what I want most in the world is a fit, lean, healthy and muscular body whose muscles show, damn-it!

    WHY the body fat isn’t easily melting away like it does for so many new plant-based vegans I can only guess… is it because I wasn’t a fast food junkie, or because eating veg wasn’t foreign to me, or because I quit fried food years ago? I may never know, but what I do know is it is frustrating as hell. I just want to not obsess about how my body looks, and it maybe am oxymoron, but I want that just as much as I want my own version of Erin Stern’s body.

  6. I hope posting here takes a weight off your shoulders.
    I think we all live with these same ups and downs. On one hand embracing unconditional self acceptance, knowing that’s where peace of mind is. And on the other hearing and seeing societal pressure to be thinner, younger and more beautiful, at any cost.

    I threw my scale away 5 years ago. I am fairly average sized. I expect I go up and down…but I don’t need to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

    Hug. You are absolutely authentic to share this. Thank you

    Anne

  7. Writing this post proves you’re not a fraud. You’re just human — with good days, bad days, days full of inspiration, self-acceptance, self-loathing, elation, fear …

    The fact that you record one of those moments in a post doesn’t define who you are; it just records what you were thinking/feeling in that moment. We’re all works in progress, and you’re doing a huge service to your readers by showing that honestly (as you do here).

    So please, be kind to yourself. You’re doing your best. And I wish you all the best as you continue to work toward peace and balance.

  8. You are raw, open and honest and as a disordered eater and thinker I totally relate and I thank you for all that you blog

  9. Skinny or Fat, we all have our own vices. I don’t know you, but have gained a lot from your blog. I pray for you often. I pray for you to find peace with yourself. You are a gorgeous woman with a beautiful family that needs you to be healthy not only physically but mentally. Choose Joy! Choose to be Happy where you are today! Don’t let the scale rule you. I have about 100 lbs left to go and have been at a wall for about 2 months. Up 2, down 2 and so on. We all have our vices. Hang in there!

  10. Girl. I think you will find that almost every woman living in this fat-phobic society has the exact same struggles. I preach body positivity and count calories. I don’t judge anyone else for their weight while being relentlessly brutal with myself for gaining. I think other women are beautiful at any size, yet looking at my own fat in the mirror makes me want to puke and scream. We are all in this together. You are not a fraud, you are human. Be kind to yourself.

    • All of us seem to be doing this…all of us so focused on hating ourselves but fearing that that hate is coming from others when, honestly, maybe it’s not so much. At least not all of it.

  11. Rather than a “fraud”, I think you are simply “human”. The battle with food and our bodies does not originate from food or the scale. The roots are in our mind…our beliefs about ourselves and the world we live in. As we keep learning more, we do better. Patience and curiosity is the cure and time is a gift. Here for you.

    • This is very true. Controlling my food/the scale/numbers is my coping mechanism for the fear I experience over being out of control of most everything in life. It’s not really about food or body image at all in the end…

      • Amen. One of the things I tell my clients often…because I learned it the hard way…is that “I used to believe that when I ended this war with food I would find peace. Now I know that when we find peace, then we are finally able to end our war with food.” – Becky Ivory

  12. “I write in these blogs with all of the passion I have in a given moment, but then I immediately turn around to my real life of not actually knowing who I am or what I believe.”

    –I think that so many of us do this, and I don’t think it makes us inauthentic. I think it makes us human. We have peaks and valleys; we don’t have everything figured out; we try, and we fail, and we do the best we can. And then, when we know better, we do better.

    It’s all part of the same journey.

  13. Oh goodness. You are not a fraud – you are human and struggle like the rest of us.

    I am totally digging The F*uck It Diet book (read by the author in the Audible version) – it’s helping me find the peace away from dieting.

    Much love. You have inspired me for so long. Thanks for being your authentic, amazing self!

  14. Being fat is hard, loosing weight is hard, keeping it off is hard…choose your hard. That’s probably one of the truest statements I have heard since losing 65 pounds 4 years ago. For me, it’s a constant growth thing…sometimes huge revelations, sometimes none at all. I’m grateful for the “sane” days from the bondage to food and eating disordered thinking, but I cannot say it doesn’t rear its ugly head here and there. Sometimes more than I feel can/want to handle. Anyhow, I love your honesty and it helps me so much to see other people like me sharing their truth and insights for a better healthier all around better “us!” Thank you.

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