Weight has nothing to do with most things in life; so, it’s kind of strange that my weight was once always at the forefront of my mind.
Gotta move through a crowd? Oh no…I’m too fat to fit.
Awesometastic picture of me in the middle of a crowd running my first 5k:
The Color Run!
Gotta fit into one of those desk-attached-to-chair setups in college? Crap…what if I don’t fit?
Want to ride on a ride at that theme park? Oh man…the attendant has to buckle me in? He’s going to see I’m fat! What if he can’t close it?
Why yes I AM on the kiddie swings with my fiance! I’ll never grow up!
Want to order dessert at a restaurant? Everyone is probably thinking how I’d be thinner if I didn’t eat this stuff!
I didn’t realize until only a few months ago that my weight had nothing to do with it.
With what? you might ask…
With my value as a person
With my fears
With my being good enough
With whether or not it was acceptable for me to do things
With whether or not I can succeed
(Crossing the finish line at my first 5k: the Color Run!)
But, strangest of all…
Weight has almost nothing to do with my weight loss journey.
In fact, the only part that my weight has played in my weight loss journey has been the part of something measurable that has changed as more important and permanent changes were being made. It’s almost like the height of a child; it changes as the child (hopefully) matures and grows. My weight changes as my mentality, relationship with food, and lifestyle change.
Now, it hasn’t always been this way. In fact, for most of my life, my weight has been the focus. Certainly, it has been the focus of every weight loss attempt I’ve tried before. I don’t know when I realized that this journey was different, but I do distinctly remember the first time that I tried to really remember exactly how I felt and saw things before joining Weight Watchers, and I couldn’t do it. My mentality has actually changed so dramatically that I can’t remember how I used to feel or think.
That was when I knew that I would never go back to how I was before. And I truly believe that if my mind really can’t go that far backwards, my weight won’t go back that far either. Because the change has gone deeper than my weight, and those aspects of myself that have changed are the things that caused me to gain weight in the first place.