It’s Going to Be OK

I know it’s been a while, but truth be told, there’s not been much to write about. Recovery generally means NOT thinking much about food, weight, numbers, etc. Well…until the ED tries to sneak back in.

I’ve gained weight. Roughly 10 pounds in a year. Today, I’m OVER the weight I stabilized at last time. And, boy, am I hit with F E E L I N G S.

The instantaneous urge (and socially accepted message) is “time to lose some weight before this comes a bigger problem.” Boy is that message loud in my head today. But, here’s the thing: I cannot casually lose weight. I cannot. The moment I start trying at all, I am consumed with obsession. The food rules pile up, the number tracking becomes obsessive, and I start spending tons of money on “safe foods” that I may never even eat.

I won’t be able to cook anymore, because tracking it will be too hard. The meals I’ve made and frozen will go to waste, because I won’t know the calories in them. I won’t be able to eat out, because the nutrition information isn’t available. I won’t be able to think of anything but food and numbers. I won’t be able to engage fully with my kids, because I will be hungry and obsessing. I won’t be able to hang out with my new friends I recently made, because I will avoid all social situations where food is involved.

So, here is where push comes to shove — for real. I’m over the weight I stabilized at last time. I’m over my “safe, comfortable-enough” weight. The numbers are wrong, bad, horrible numbers that hurt and terrify me. They are on my chest like an anvil…pressing.

Here’s where my recovery is challenged.

And, this time, I’m going to win.

No food rules. No number tracking. Just as I once sat and cried and panicked over eating an apple that took me over my daily calorie “limit,” I will sit and feel all the pain and fear over being heavier than what was “safe.”

And it will be ok.

I will still be safe.

I will still be a good mom. I will still be a good wife. I will still be a good-enough person.

I will still be worthy of love, and I will still be loved.

It is ok to be imperfect. It is ok to be squishy and lumpy and human. It is ok to recover.

12 thoughts on “It’s Going to Be OK

  1. Hey there.

    Thanks for sharing your journey again? I’m hoping you have some coping skills that can bring your anxiety back down. They do exist. Hard to believe, but they do.

    As always, I enjoyed your post!

    Becky Ivory

    >

  2. Wow…again…hits so close to home…you are speaking my language and I read it with anxiety almost waiting for you to tell me/us it’s okay.

    Thank you!

  3. You’ve got it! This is the only way to go. Enjoy living your life before it is gone and you wonder what happened. Food is FUEĹ to keep your magical, joyous machine running. It is not the enemy.Dont let it be. I know.
    Pam
    .

  4. Thank you for this post. It echoes exactly how I have been feeling and it is reassuring to see I am not alone. This is hard. I haven’t even been on a scale in several months because I know it will trigger counting, obsessing, etc. Right now I am working on listening to my body (which seems to want a lot of vegan and vegetarian meals for some reason) and eating without judgment.

    I am so inspired by your journey through recovery – please know there are a lot of us out here going through the same thing and cheering you on.

    • Thank you so much for sharing this. In truth, I should stay off the scale completely, but I definitely faltered there. I hope you can find strength to continue on in your own healing journey!

  5. Oh wow it’s like your post came at the exact time I needed it!!! So thankful for your blog as it helps me so so much. Your so wonderful and you inspire me a lot, I am here along for the ride 😀 xx

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