After.
It’s here.
In my first post, Before, 3 years ago, I said “I’m not to After yet, but I’m closer to After than to Before.”
I now weigh 117 – 120 pounds (depending on the day), and standing at 5-foot 6-inches, that measurement means that After is very, very here. But, before you congratulate me, dear readers…if I have any…and dear friends and family who I know follow this blog… I have to come clean with you: I don’t feel like I’m at After. I’m terrified of being at After. And, I don’t like that After is here.
The tagline of my blog is “uncovering myself one pound at a time.” For most of this blog, I’ve spoken strongly about how my relationship with food and myself was what caused my weight struggles. I stand by that. The thing is, the symptoms have resolved faster than I’ve been able to treat the deeper disease. I’ve lost the weight, but I’ve failed to uncover and learn to truly love myself in the process. Truthfully, I have no idea who I am without “needs to lose weight” being one of the primary parts of my identity.
This is why I have not been posting…because this blog is not about weight loss…it’s about life gain. I could not bear to post here about the beautiful things one can gain in life by learning to love yourself while, in the background, hating myself so hard while the weight melted off. Progressing on the outside while regressing internally. Because, that’s the truth, readers. The last stretch of this weight loss hasn’t been healthy OR happy: it’s been agony. It’s been sad. It’s been an exercise in mourning.
I’ve gotten so good at putting on the happy face. At “smile, nod, yes, thank you, I have lost a lot. No, I’m not trying to lose any more; you don’t need to worry.” I’m very good at this script, but it’s been such a lie, readers. The truth is my body melted away, and I stared at myself in the mirror not understanding why I couldn’t love the skin I’m in. Why? I thought After was the goal!
But I made a mistake.
A crucial mistake.
I forgot that the number on the scale is only a number. Only just a number. It’s not a before. It’s not an after. Getting that number to a certain set of digits is not my After.
I’m not at After. There is no After – happily ever or otherwise. There is only today. Just today – During.
I tell you this now not to discourage you but to hopefully prevent someone from making the mistake that I did and associating After with a number. I weigh 120 pounds and still struggle with my weight. Losing weight does not mean you no longer struggle with your weight; I wish I had truly understood that. I still struggle with food. I still struggle with me.
Looking at the picture I put first in this post, I have to pause. I look at me … past vs. present. That is me. All of those pictures are of me. People say they do not recognize the girl in the other pictures. I’m here to say: that girl is me.
Don’t look at her as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already.
Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be?
Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different.
Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not.
She’s me.
She’s standing right here, and she is fucking strong.
There. Is. No. After.
There’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow of weight loss because the rainbow has no end.
There is today. There is now. There is during. There is life.
I uncovered myself one pound at a time; now, I must REcover myself…I must DIScover myself. And that…that is the new goal. Not numbers. Not sizes. Not inches.
Me. I am the goal. Finding. Loving. Being.
Can anybody hear me?
Can Anybody Hear Me? 
What a STRONG message and inspiring post. Seriously. I did so well going from 234 pounds to 159 and still struggled every.single.day. I still thought I wasn’t good enough, I still had my issues, I still didn’t think my life was better. It’s amazing to me that people who lose tons of weight don’t talk about the psychological issues that come with it or how hard it is to maintain once you get there. After losing all that weight, I fell into a depression and gained it all and MORE back. Dealing with the mental part is the hardest. Kudos to you for being so honest and writing this amazing post.
Thank you, Becky. I wanted to tell you that you are a phenomenally strong person — it comes across in how you speak here. You are looking back at your path with the right pair of eyes. You’re seeing the big picture, and that is so tough to do. I wish you all the best on your journey with yourself. Fuck the numbers (man, look at me swearing twice in one post). Life is happening today. Now. This moment. Live it.
What did you do to lose the weight?
I began by using Weight Watchers. I was a Weight Watchers member for years and then switched to using MyFitnessPal last summer.
Lisa, thank you for sharing your story. If you don’t mind my asking, how long did it take you to drop the weight with weight watchers?
Becky, that’s awesome! Good job!
I lost different amounts of weight in different time periods. For instance, I lost the first 50 pounds quickly – in about 6 months. I lost the next 20 slowly. Then, I maintained/gained about 5-10 pounds for a year. I lost the last 50 pounds in about 7-8 months.
Such an inspiring story, My Fitness Pal has a lot of motivation and support there and a maintenance topic which I am not there yet, so I haven’t checked out. It may be of help to you. I do understand you though, while I used to be underweight, I was never happy with myself, now overweight I am not either. I am sure being a healthier person you may find a new way to enjoy your life.
Thanks for the honesty, Lisa. I’ve lost 140 pounds and feel similarly. I appreciate this post a lot. Keep living life.
Well said Becky , I wrote my blog DaughterBeStill because I also became thin and fit, looked great and still was terribly insecure and codependent for approval. I entered and escaped the Bulimia trap thru prayer , but I still had to deal with the deep rooted fears from a violent up bringing. I learned thru MORE diligent prayer during an emotional break up, that there is a source of dignity and power that we are born with, as children of God, that is waiting to be tapped into and that’s why this blogger, Lisa’s words : “Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not. She’s me.She’s standing right here, and she is fucking strong.” created a big lump in my throat, followed by tears welling up and then laughter , because I see our Father, God working somoene, showing her that she is of great worth and the LIES she once believed, are melting away. We are Daughters of Deity..and we have a right to feel lovely in our bodies. Becky you lost weight before , you can do it again…just bring God with you, even more than before, in your journey..He will open your eyes to what sabotaged it before, and you will gain a mighty testimony that God is needed each moment, and helped you, which will help others.
I meant…God working “with someone”
This is a beautiful and powerful message. I find your words so genuine and I can relate! While never overweight, I struggled with anorexia in the past and recovering my weight was the easy part–recovering/discovering myself is something I am still working on 10 years later. In fact, not having food/weight to worry about every day was a challenge because then I really had the deeper issues left to work out. But, you are right, the girl in all those picture is amazingly strong! So onward to the next phase of your journey!
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story, Kate. Wishing you all the best as well as you continue your life journey.
Congratulations on the rediscovery of yourself and wish you much success on your life’s journey!
Kate: I understand those deeper issues…Im 52 and just now understanding what it feels like to be genuine, stong and true to myself. I created a blog to help people with eating disorder issues figureout new wasy to process the LIES that feed into our brains, based upon much research into the spiritual world as we perceive it around us – with cool teachings from “Sweenborg”…I tried to make it entertaining any thumbs up, posts or sharing would be appreciated…I am also trying to understand Anorexia better because I was focused on Binge Purge stuff , and being too thin, but excessive weight loss, is an area that I am looking to learn more about….But , Im approaching a publisher and I’d appreciate anyone visiting my site and giving feedback.. to show them that someone is interested besides myself!!!
Lisa, this is beautiful and you are beautiful – before, after, during, all of it. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you very much
Do you mind if I link from my own blog?
No, I don’t mind at all
Id like to also link your blog to my site…your a perfect example of a physically beautiful person who struggles to feel beautiful , but is now accepting that wonderful reality. Youll be a beautiful mommy
I so understand this post. Thank you for your heart because that is every persons truth.
this is a rare side of weight loss that needs to be discussed more often- it rings true to more people than you would imagine.
xoxo K
http://peeledwellness.com
Great post! Have you thought about seeing a psychologist to help with recovering and discovering yourself? I’m a clinical psychologist and that’s what we do–we help people recover and discover. An eating addiction is an addiction. Alcoholism, drug addiction, and gambling problems are similar. There’s a reason why addictions develop and that reason doesn’t just go away when a person loses the weight, stops gambling, stops drinking, etc. Anyway, I just wanted to say props to you because you really are a strong person to 1) have the discipline to lose the weight in the first place, 2) have the insight to know that you need to recover and rediscover yourself, and 3) have the guts to admit that everyone else (that’s really scary!). With these strengths, I know you can do anything you set out to do!
Hi there,
I know you meant well with your comment, but this somehow just rubbed me the wrong way. Throwing out labels like addiction without even meeting someone doesn’t seem helpful. As someone who works with people who need help as their job, I think you should choose your words a little bit more sensitivity.
I completely agree. I read that comment and my it definitely rubbed the wrong way (and I too have lost a significant amount of weight).
I think the point of her post was that she was the same strong and disciplined person regardless of her weight. Sierra says in her comment “props to you because you are a really strong person to have the discipline to lose the weight”. This comment places value on the “after” person while devaluing the “before”. The beautiful point of her post is that they are in fact the same. Her worth and value as a person is not based on the weight loss.
And agree, author please do not assume overweight = addict
I don’t mean to be rude, but I agree with the clinical psychologist. When you are over 100 lbs overweight (morbidly obese), you do have a problem. You are just as good and just as strong as anyone without that crutch, but you do have a problem. Addictions are ways to hide pain with something that comforts you and drugs, alcohol, gambling, and yes…food. Food is my crutch, my comfort and I have been fighting it for many years, knowing I not only need to uncover or peel it off, but I make excuse after excuse over and over. I love food and I turn to it for love, for comfort and for the endorphins that help me to cope. I don’t care about the part that says I don’t look as pretty as I could, or the part that says I can’t go shopping. I have many friends and family members that love me for the way I am now and I don’t think that would change with weightloss. However, I do know that my weight has kept me from playing with my kids when they were younger, taking vacations to places where I would have to walk a lot and feeling aweful because my boyfriend would probably love to do certain things. I have never questioned whether I would be better in anyway, but the bottom line, is I would like to find the will, the strength, and the love for myself that would make it possible for me to lose this weight, because I have tried many ways. I even had a gastric sleeve and managed to lose 65 lbs which was only about one third of what I needed to lose. I have now gained back about 35 lbs of that weight back. I am so disgusted but I need to find that layer of what it is I am protecting with this weight and peel it away. I will still be me, I will still be a good and loving person, but I still am not sure I will love myself. I tend to love others much more than me. Can’t even put a finger on why, but I know that food gives me comfort because I do love it and I can control it, but I can’t control that I don’t love myself enough to get healthy and get thin so I feel good about me, so I can move, so I can go places I would really love to go, so I could get the knee surgery I really need, but can’t because I need to be thinner for the surgeon to do it. I only wish I had a clinic psychologist that gets it and who can help me to get there.
I agree with what you are saying…This writer seems to know what’s going on and these comments area bit condescending sating the obvious..and feeling respected is key for recovery…not being spoken down to
From personal experience, a counselor or such is a good idea for everyone. I started seeing one at Lighthouse and the transformation, thanks to the right facilitator for me, has been remarkable. Also listening to Eckhart Tolle talk about not searching for yourself in the future makes alot of sense. Well wishes to all.
This is beautiful. As someone still in the “before” mindset with a body that looks much like your “before,” I needed to read this. I think it’s so hard to love the body you’re in and love the person within the body while still working to lose weight and get healthier, because there’s that thought if you DO love and appreciate yourself and your body, why change? Thank you for your post. I saw it on the WW boards just at the right time. I have been struggling and hating myself a little and not seeing the big picture and what is really important. ❤
“Why change?” is a good question.
For some, the answer truly is: don’t.
Don’t lose weight. Don’t change. Be done. Even if others have different opinions.
I changed my weight for a lot of reasons; a lot of those reasons were really bad reasons.
I’m really REALLY hitting the “why change” question NOW because the answer is now “don’t.”
It’s not healthy for me to lose more. Health can’t be my reason.
I can fit into designer clothing; I can ride horses; I can hike and climb and do all the physical things I couldn’t before.
So….now, why change?
Wrong question.
Don’t change;
Discover.
Don’t become;
Be.
Question:
Who am I?
Who do I discover?
Who will I be?
yes yes yes keep pounding that message out there…it helps take the focus off the weight and I need that becuz i have so much to lose.LIVING is NOW.If i got into a car wreck and died today i am pretty sure[I would hope] that people would not stand around and talk about how much weight i had to lose…they would point out that although being 130 pounds over weight I hope they would define me by more than than…much more.wanted to say OA over eaters anonymous gives you a sponser for free.They do pound into you that overeating is a disease and for me that gives it too much power…
I don’t know if I’m expressing this well, so forgive me if I’m not, but I think it’s because you ARE valuable and right and good as you are that I would hope you can live as long and healthy a life as is reasonably possible. You are still YOU whatever you do, whatever you look like or however fast you can run – and some things may help you enjoy you avoid painful sickness, and let your family and friends and the world keep you around a little longer? That’s what I wish for my own family and friends who do things that can improve their health.
So eloquently put!!! There could not have been a better time for me to read your post then now. I am on this journey now!!! Thank you for your inspiration!!
Thank you for taking the time to read, and best wishes on your own life-gaining journey 😉
Hey Lisa, I just wanted to say, that, of course since I haven’t seen you in person in years, the girl in the photographs at the top is the girl I remember. She’s the girl who I looked up to and thought was awesome and funny and smart–and everything I’ve seen and read of yours since then has only proven that to be more true. You are who you have always been–and that’s amazing.
Well now you’re going to make me cry. Thank you so much. That’s so incredibly kind of you.
Some times the reprogramming of the internal message and self perception can use the help of a counselor to look more closely at the intimate side of oneself. To better understand where the hurtful self image originated so one can gather that part of self up and bring her up to speed on the present journey. Include her in. Make her feel a part of the whole you.
I can here you ( all the way in Croaita 🙂 and I thank you. it is beyond important what you said. Thank you
Thank you so much for reading and hearing 🙂
I’m worried about you. I have been for some time. I worry that you are not treating your body kindly, and doing what you need to to keep it healthy. Not “thin” – HEALTHY. I worry even more that you are not tending to the mental side of things. You are so much more than weight loss. You are so much more than a weight loss journey. You have so much more to offer the world than a number on the scale.
In truth, this post frightens me for you. I can’t celebrate your weight loss, because you say you did it in an unhealthy way. I can’t celebrate you being at goal, because your words imply a fear of food. I want you to be happy, and healthy, and I think the mental side of this is truly the most important part. Please love yourself, because you are worthy of love. Please be kind to yourself, because you deserve kindness. Please know that you are strong, and intelligent, and have so much more to offer than just your weight. You were amazing before you started trying to lose weight. You were amazing while you lost it. You are amazing now. None of that is tied to a number on a scale.
Without going into too much personal detail, I can only say, please know that the emotional and mental health side of my life is not being neglected. I waited to post this post until I was on a path of healing and wholeness. Until I COULD celebrate my weight loss because – dammit – just because I made some mistakes doesn’t mean I have to gain it all back, start over, and do it differently. I can choose to embrace today, right now, not gain it back, and instead, focus on shifting to a more healthy mentality. Do I have uncomfortable days? Yes. Absolutely. I get anxious, afraid even…and that is uncomfortable, painful, difficult. It has not escaped my notice nor am I neglecting to address it. That’s all I’m really comfortable saying here on my blog.
So, I appreciate your concern. I do. I know that you care; I’m fairly certain I know who is posting. I’m working on the loving myself part. That’s the step I’m on: loving myself. I’m not doing it alone. I’ve got a firm support system. But I’m also not going to duck my head in shame about my weightloss just because I wasn’t entirely healthy the whole time. I don’t want to gain 50 pounds back and “lose it healthily.” I want to just keep it off healthily – transition my mind to healthy.
If that takes away from the accomplishment side of this, so be it. This isn’t about accomplishment for me anymore. It’s about my life – my today life. I don’t want to spend any more of it on this accomplishment of losing weight. I want to go hiking, ride horses, travel to France, have babies… And I’m going to do all of that now.
I can certainly celebrate your health. And I am glad that you have things in place to help you get to a healthy mentality. Not for one second do I think you should dick your head in shame over anything at all. Never. Absolutely not. Shame is not a productive emotion.
I don’t mean to say that things take away from your accomplishments. You have accomplished a lot. I just worry for you. And I am glad to hear you are tending to your overall health – no details needed; you certainly don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.
I hope you continue to have a happy, healthy life during which you experience all of the things you have dreamed of.
Thank you 🙂
You have done an amazing thing, you have had an experience – reached a goal – and reached a new level of life – would the before person have done all those things you are now planning to do?
Maybe.
It is hard to live a healthy life in an unhealthy body or with an unhealthy mind. You can’t improve all areas at once in all ways.
Typically when we focus on one area we pay less attention or neglect others. And sometimes that neglect of one area is the byproduct of developing new habits in another through repetition while you focus.
Keep your past successes and continue on – maintain the areas you have achieved while evolving others in the same way.
Don’t give up doesn’t just mean don’t quit – it also means don’t give up gained ground. Keep your victories.
Again you have had an experience and affected change in an area of your life where you reached a set goal.
Congratulations.
Thank u for your awesome post – I have been big and then slim for all of my life and if u find the secret to learning to love yourself, instead of being repulsed every time u look in the mirror, then please share – I am on my journey to changing my lifestyle and I have changed my relationship with food, but it’s the self loathing that I can’t get past – even when I was extremely thin I still had the same attitude – hopefully my mental health will improve too xxx Thanks again – U r an inspiration – Cheers Charelle Rogers
Amen, lady! I’ve struggled all my life. Sometimes a little heavier, sometimes a lot heavier, sometimes not heavy. But I am still me with a fluctuating visible attribute. I am not that one thing that has described me and taken up so much space in my head. Soldier on, sister! Soldier on!
Love this comment 🙂 Can feel your enthusiasm for life through the screen
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What a great point of view! It’s so easy to think about the goal being a number…it’s not…the goal is improvement in quality of life. If you’re only losing weight to achieve a number then you’re only dealing with half of the situation!
Thank you very much
Lisa, I am so proud to be your husband, and love and support you…YOU…with all of my heart. You know that it has always been you that I have wanted to be with, you I was attracted to, and you that I wanted to marry. I may not have been here for the whole of your journey, but I am excited and feel fortunate that I get to share your life gaining journey with you.
You inspire me in ways you can’t imagine. I am also proud of how many others you have just now reached out to and helped so they can gain life rather than only focus on losing weight.
Okay, I’m going to stop being sappy now. Love you 🙂
I don’t even have words to respond to this. I love you so very much,and I am so blessed to get to call you my husband. I can’t wait to continue to “gain life” with you. Thank you for this… it’s left me speechless and teary-eyed. I love you.
Yeah, this is not weird at all – husband and wife talking on a blog website, he he he. I almost cried too.
Lisa, you’re amazing. Will, self-restrain, and balls. And I mean, a lot of those. This is the first time I read something that is written by you and see you for the first time as well ( I know now why your big-nosed shoelace-long singer is so happy 😀 ). Your life philosophy is getting more mature than it was not a long time ago, I am sure of it. Being example and an actual help on the way to others’ happiness – an incredible and altruistic goal by itself.
Kev, catch you later, bud.
Be happy, guys, continue supporting each other like you do, don’t waste time on irrelevant things, life is so short!
Such beautiful heartfelt sharing, coming from authencity and power. This is the message that needs to be spoken over and over and over. It is not numbers on a scale, it is not degrees attained where, it’s not how many likes on facebook….there will always be just this Now. That is all there can ever be. Stepping into the process of re-membering yourself, reclaiming pieces that got stuck behind somewhere for any number of reasons as you are doing, by its very nature results in coming to the present, and in this presence we find courage, humility, compassion and wisdom are already present. Beautiful sharing Lisa.
Thank you so much, Robert
Beautifully said !
Thank you. Just… thanks for this post.
Thank you for reading
I really love this. Thank you so much for writing it.
I think we all have a hole in our heart that only Jesus can fill. Only he can fix that ache in us. Wishing you well and hoping you find your happy! Outside, in nature, is a marvelous place to search!!
Thank you for sharing! I so understand that thought of “After” it’s been 9 years for me of losing over 100lbs and I struggle a lot to this day. It’s a daily struggle. Thank you for your empowerment.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Reblogged this on I sing a song of myself and commented:
This is…so wonderful. It’s a profound sentiment and I know so many who stuggle with this problem. “I lost the weight, but now what? or ever, “I feel worse about myself”. Truth is, we buy into a lie when we think that changing our body alone will be enough to change the thoughts and feelings we have about ourselves. That’s the easy, quick, to-good-to-be-true mix. That’s the “I’ll change the outside but avoid the inside” mix that screws us over in the end. We are never, ever, able to ignore the inside. Nor does the inside sync with the outside. When we avoid confront our deep, true selves, and our deep, true issues, they linger. They fester, and grow. And then we’re in a position where we are what we wanted to be physically, but mentally, spiritually, we are angrier than before. We are still lost. We are unhappy, unsatisfied. We thought we hated ourselves for what we looked like- but don’t you still treat yourself as a monster when you refuse to look inside? We get so scared to confront ourselves, we believe that we are, deep down, unworthy as we are. And no amount of physical transformation changes that, not really-not for the better. Because we are more than bodies. And the more we expect the outside to cover up/fix what’s inside, the worse we are. Don’t be afraid to turn in- you’re no monster, no matter what you’ve believed or been told about yourself. Sit down. Be with yourself. Be quite and still and present. Stop running from yourself. Stop trying to constantly manipulate and change yourself- what is so bad about you? What are you running from? What are you covering up? What are you yearning for? I’ll give you a hint- it’s not a body. Nor can it be achieved by one. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind and patient. And- be present. It’s easier said than done, but maybe reading this blog post will help you the way it helped me tonight.
I love this so much! As someone who as struggled with an eating disorder and weight fluctuation, your words hit it home. Thank you for writing this. It inspired me. And- it put an end to the negative self talk today! I’m sharing this everywhere!
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing.
You are so right. If you love yourself, there is no point where you are not yourself. And you have deserved to be loved and respected no matter your size. I’m struggling with this myself and it doesn’t have anything to do with my weight. Could I lose some? Yes. Is that the most important thing I need to work on? Not even close.
Thank you for reading and for your comment. You are right – there are many more important things, and we are often our own worst critics.
This is gorgeous. Thank you for writing it. Using the “wrong” terminology, I’m still a “before,” even though I’m not dangerously overweight. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of how I look but am scared to death of actually losing the weight because of this very thing – I don’t know what “after” would feel like and I hate the thought that I’d still be me, just thinner. I’m very happy with myself in other aspects of my life, don’t get me wrong – it’s just that “needs to lose weight” has been part of my identity for over 20 years and I have no idea what scary demons I’d find to obsess over if the weight was not there to take the blame. I still want to lose weight for my health and my children, but this post both fills me with joy and with dread. Thanks for posting.
Thank you for sharing this as it has opened my eyes a bit more to something going going on with me personally: having to focus on stuff outside of my weight IS scary.
Thank you so much for sharing these words. I can so understand and relate to what you wrote. I’ve iost and gained back 115 pounds and then lost 80 and are half way back on that loss. Your right that the number isn’t the end. I’m working on accepting that this is something that will always be there for me. I need to embrace it and love it his part of me. In this moment as I write this I see that I can choose it in the same way I chose having breast cancer which turned out to be the best transformational experience of my life. So here it is…. I chose my struggle with food so let the loving begin.😄
Thank you for sharing your story. How incredibly strong you are to have come through all you have come through. What an amazing you you have to love 😉
Thank you.
I’m in tears after reading that. I’m at the beginning of my weight loss journey, I have a long way to go and some days it seems impossible.
This blog entry is so much more inspiring than any before and after photo, than any “thinspiration” out there.
Thank you for reminding me that this is ME. Right here and right now IS me, and I’ll still be me whether I stay at this weight or drop the 80lbs I want to lose….and my insecurity or unhappiness with myself won’t just disappear with the fat.
I’m going to bookmark this and read it again and again so I don’t get too caught up in changing only my body, but all of it.
I’m so honored to have you read my blog and so glad it has helped you in your own life journey. Thank you for commenting and sharing part of your story with me.
I hear ya…loud and clear!!!
This is what I would tell this beautiful soul (and DID just now in a comment on her blog)….
To the beautiful soul who so bravely penned this post. I would offer to you to consider that “Befores” and “Afters” are simply snapshots of a weight loss journey. As a free professional health coach, the first thing I share with my clients is that reaching your healthy weight, is NOT the destination — it’s just the beginning of a whole lifetime of optimal health.
Even before my clients begin the weight loss part of their Journey Toward Optimal Health, I encourage each one, as I encourage you, too — to think about your WHY. Understanding the simplest, most immediate response is, “Because I want to lose weight and gain health,” I pursue them to push further by asking, “yes but WHY?” For example, what freedoms do you achieve when you reach your healthy weight? What will you do then that you cannot do and enjoy now? How will YOU getting Healthy affect the people you love and cherish the most? Think about it for a spell. Really DREAM about it. Have a conversation with yourself (the old, unhealthy self…. what would you SAY to the leaner, HEALTHIER You?)
The very personal responses I receive (as they should be b/c we’re all so beautifully unique and complex) include things like: I want to be around to celebrate life with my now infant child (birthdays, lost teeth, learning to drive, getting married, having children of his/her own…); I want my grandkids to know what it means to play with Grammy (not just sit on the couch with them — but go back up the hill to sled over and over and over); I want to fit into the world — literally (airplane seats, bathtubs, restaurant booths, go-carts); I want my outside joy and health to match my inside joy and health; I want to get off some of these medications; I want to run and hike and play and love and not get winded doing the things I love.
Do the things you love. Cherish that you CAN. I encourage you to cherish NOT that you’ve “lost the weight” but rather, than you’ve gained health. You’ve gained health in your body and I encourage you to gain health in your mind, ABOUT the health in your body. Be proud of your accomplishment and live it every day.
Many people find it challenging to accept their new body. You may find this article helpful: “How to Accept Your New Body by Alexandra Miller, RDN, LDN: http://www.donnasmaldone.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/How-to-Accept-Your-New-Body.pdf
A book I think you may really enjoy is by Dr. Wayne Scott Andersen and it’s called, “Discover Your Optimal Health” here (or at most bookstores): http://www.drwayneandersen.com/bookstore/discover-your-optimal-health/.
Live healthy. You deserve it!
Love, Donna
——–
Donna Smaldone, COPE Certified Independent Health Coach
Villanova Nursing School Center for Obesity Prevention and Education (COPE)
Healthy Eating, Sleeping, Weight, Motion, Mind & Balance
email: donna@donnasmaldone.com
cell/text: 518-744-6811
Thank you for sharing this. My daughter is on a journey very similar to yours. She has always be bigger. But I was hell bent on raising her to love herself no matter her size. I wanted her to know she is beautiful & strong, regardless of what society (or anyone) says. I wanted her to have a strong positive self esteem. And she is all of those things. She is very proud of who she is. But at the same time, she is just beginning her journey, five months into it. She is losing the weight in a healthy way. When people ask her if she’s on a diet. She tells them, “no I have made a lifestyle change.”
My fear? She may hit the same wall you did. She may feel she left herself behind. She may feel that even though she had lost the weight, she’s still not happy.
I am saving your blog so she can read it. Thank you so much again for sharing this and for being so honest.
Continue your journey. You are a strong young woman who deserves whatever you want from life. You will rediscover you. You’re already on your way there. You were able to post this on your blog, and tell everyone how you have truly been feeling about your weight loss. That take a strong and courageous person to do that.
Much love and happiness to you. 🙂
I completely understood this and related to it I lost weight I also had a style change with hair my friends kept saying I didn’t look like me but inside it was the same me. I still find I hard to buy clothes buying big dresses etc I stilm have another couple if stand to lose but I really related to this
Thank you for your post!! I shared on my FB page “RoKit Fitness”
There needs to be more of this! After photos are great, they have their place, goals have their place… but your message. Your message is what truly matters!!! I love it. It needs to be spread like wildfire!
Thank you for this post. I am two years out of a bypass as of April 3rd and I have lost 143 pounds but have gained back twenty while fighting depression and anxiety. Feeling like giving up the fight. I do not want to fall backwards as my top weight was 330 and my body has been so damaged by the stress of all that weight for so many years. But like you said I need to find me in all this, to learn to love me no matter what the scale says. It is so hard and makes me want to cry daily but your story has given me hope. Thank you again.
Hold on to that hope. I also struggle with weight and depression and I have to say fighting the depression is more important. I was 140lbs (down from 200) and very depressed. I am now 210, but I am winning the struggle against depression and also feel better than I ever have in my life. Part of it is I’m not focusing on the weight, even though I can’t help but still worry about it, but I am focusing on making healthier choices, things that I can do for a lifetime. Found ways of exercising that are fun and fulfilling (currently Taekwondo) and trying to make good, healthy choices about what I eat and really listening to my body. I’ve discovered strange things about myself by actually listening, such as sometimes calcium can help with a depressive day and I am much happier when I make sure I get enough protein. I wish you luck with your struggle. I am still learning to like myself after a lifetime of hating myself but I know now that fighting my weight is not the solution to loving myself.
I read your post with great interest. I, too, struggle with the battles that go with weight, acceptance and all of the emotional issues that come with obesity. And you are absolutely right when you say that there’s no satisfaction in reaching your goal. The reason for that is that you are actually craving something else that weight loss (and nothing from this world, to tell you the truth) will never satisfy.
We were designed to crave God – and only a relationship with HIM (not food, not attention, applause or anything else) will satisfy that longing. There is an after, friend. It’s found in a relationship with Christ.
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. (Proverbs 31:30-31 ESV)
Reading this has me in tears. Your words are so honest and incredibly true. My struggle has always been more with me than my weight, though that is how it manifests. Kudos to you for finding health, I hope you enjoy discovering, loving and being you.
Wow! I don’t respond to blogs or articles until now…what an insightful, strong, and needed explanation. I struggle to find me..this hit home in such a good way. Thank you.
I am going thru the same thing. I am no where near my weight loss goal but I’m on the road to learning to love myself and enjoy life. Self worth is so important. And it’s a daily struggle for me. Great movie to see if you haven’t, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Was very inspiring to me.
Heck, yes, I hear you. Because you’re speaking the truth, telling it how it is. Because it isn’t the destination, it’s the journey – and the journey is never over. You can lose the weight, but if you don’t address WHY while you lose it, all that baggage stays with you and you go right back to the start.
So yes, yes, I hear you. And thank you for putting this so eloquently.
May I also link, please?
Thank you for how candidly you write. I have lost 200 pounds and our struggles are so similar. Concluding the weight “loss” journey can be terrifying in itself – losing the weight was a way for me to have control over at least that one part of my life. Without the need to lose, I – at times – would gain 10 pounds just to be able to prove that I could regain control and lose it again. Control, self-identity, awareness or the lack thereof…all of it is wrapped up in the progression of “before” to “now”. It is so hard for someone who has never lost a significant amount of weight to understand and your post highlights a huge piece to the journey that is rarely acknowledged or discussed. Thank you, again.
I hear you!!! Still struggling myself with adjusting to a 128 pound weight loss. It’s a neverending process and I’ve found that non-weight related goals are so important in maintaining the loss. There are a lot of myths centered around the idea that there is a magical happily ever. Thank you for laying right out there that it’s not.
Wow- someone has finally been able to put into words what I have been feeling. I have recently lost 126lbs and while I am over the moon, it feels odd not to be the girl ‘who needs to lose weight’. I don’t feel this, I don’t feel any more pretty than I did when I was heavy and to be honest, getting to ‘after’ had been a big disappointment and anticlimax. I thought I would feel amazing etc and I don’t. I have thrown myself in training and it has become my new goal.
While I certainly don’t regret losing weight at all, my before was a strong woman and body- who had three kids and raised them, worked, looked after hubby and a home so I hate to think of her/me as weak because she/I was anything but people see me at that size as something that is awful etc which is sad in a way.
Your script that you have become so good at sounds identical to mine – made me smile to know I’m not the only one had a script lol!!
Thanks for your words- they have rang so true!
Xxx
Truly appreciated your message today and more importantly your journey and your honesty. Your words touched me deeply. I saw some of my heart in them. I’ve always been acutely aware of my weight and have never been ok with it. Even when I was at weights that I would now be thrilled to be at. Why can’t I love myself? I know I’m not beautiful but I am definetly cute and with some effort can be pretty (outside). Inside, I’m strong, willful, compassionate, loyal and committed. Why can’t I translate that into beauty? Where is the disconnect between reality and the image in the mirror? I’m going to follow you. I think we are both on the road and with continued effort and perseverance we will both arrive at our destination and like what we see when we get there. Thank you again for sharing such an intimate part of your soul. I think you can help others to do the same. You did with me.
Wow!
So powerful…..
So true
I’m speechless
Beautifully said. I am working on a shift away from “dieting” towards intuitive, mindful eating, and it’s not easy after 30 years of “before” and “after. ” Thank you for your beautiful post.
as a psychologist I love this article. It’s true that the transformation doesn’t end when you hit a goal/healthy weight. It ends when you mentally feel like the new healthy you. Thank you for sharing.
This is what I needed today…
After living hard core with an eating disorder for 20+ years, recovery has been hard. Learning to love who I am even while I work to lose weight a healthy way has been HARD! Harder than I ever imagined. And of course healing deeper issues with food are challenging…we have to face good daily.
Thank you for sharing this! It has inspired me deeply.
Xx
Wauw!!
Thanks for sharing this;
Many people create false self-identities through their hobbies, a cause (personal or not), their career, their family role, their problems, etc. This is natural. But as you so well stated, take that identity away – whether because they finally succeeded at reaching their goal or choose to quit, and many people become lost. It is so easy to get lost in our self-made identities, it becomes our self-fulfilling destiny. Standing outside yourself every so often, forgetting the body you inhabit, the space you fill, all the things that you think define you, while hard to do, is extremely helpful in keeping things in perspective. Your left with only your brain, your thoughts. If we could just transplant our self thousands of miles away every so often to an unfamiliar land, where no one knows you, where you have NO identity other than the one in your head, then it becomes clear, we are not only our best supporters but our most effective enemies. Perspective and objectivity – two things we have such difficulty holding onto on a daily basis.
Be consumed in being the best YOU – which can take many manifestations – the physical body is just one of them.
Good Luck and thanks for posting your thoughts.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! So truly inspiring.
I hear you! thank you for posting this because it has helped me to solidify a thought that’s been in my mind for a while, which is why do I have to wait until after to be happy with my weight loss. I wanna be happy right now. And I am happy right now. But there’s this whole goal hanging over my head.
who says I’m even going to live to make my goal? I have an upcoming scan in August to see if the cancer that they found in the stomach that they removed is in the stomach that they left. I need to enjoy the during.
Amazing account. Really struck a chord with me. I am ‘during’ at the moment and needed to read this now. Thank you x
I can truly relate to this. After losing 135 lbs I am on the other side, the after and I feel exactly the same way. It’s not over, I am not a brand new person who left all those scars of over eating behind. I am a person who no longer has food to hide behind and stuff my feelings with. I get the same comments as you, I wouldn’t recognize myself 4 years ago either. I am so proud of the changes I have made but I never knew how hard this side would be, learning to love my body, myself. Thank you for sharing.
Jesus Christ, woman, You just hit me in the teeth. The stomach. The very pit of my soul. You are strong and wonderful and a fierce warrior. Don’t even know how I came across this blog, except maybe fate…?
Know this: you just helped me and so many others in a way that we couldn’t do ourselves. In exchange, I am sending you love and grit. And so much gratitude. xoxo
Great message!
My weight has been off for over a decade, but I still see the size I WAS in the mirror, despite having to gain weight at times. It’s all about our perception of ourselves that is the biggest problem!
Lisa, awe inspiring message but can I say that there is an ‘after’. It is the goal you’ve achieved & that achievement is what should inspire you to keep going & now maintain the weight loss one day at a time.
I am also at the beginning of my journey & have yo-yo’d for years but it has also taken me that long to change my mind set. I’ve always been proud of the person on the inside, it’s just the skin/body that my personality lives in that I’ve always wanted to change.
Turning 43 this year, I finally realised that this is going to be a never ending saga if something didn’t change & that the inside person was the only one who could actually make that change. I wasn’t just going to blink & all of a sudden see the person I want to see in the mirror.
So be kind to yourself & believe in the knowledge that you’ve already stated, that you are the same person who was in the first photos, the same person who could laugh & enjoy life & the same person who was proud of her personality. The only things you’ve taken from that are food & excess weight & they are just trivial.
You had the strength back then to do something about the weight loss, now you still have the same strength to keep it off & enjoy life!
Thank you! I HEAR you.
Thank you! I HEAR you. 😉
This made me cry. Not because i feel sorry for you or for me but because this is why i can’t do it. I want to love me where i am. I don’t want to have to change to be worth more. I don’t want people to look at me now and think how much more i could be without the weight. I want to stand up now and demand to be counted EXACTLY AS I AM. I’m still me on the inside, I’m smart and creative and very successful. I’m well respected and well liked why should i change? They want to wrap it up in a pretty package and go away so they don’t have to face their own insecurities in me. They want to lable me and put me in some category so that they can stand to the side and point out why and how I’m not like them, but I am. We are! That’s the point, we ARE worthy now, changing the outside does not make us more worthy, because we are already enough. I fear that i will lose myself if i lose the weight, almost like I’m giving in and agreeing with the world that there is something wrong with me as i am and i won’t devalue my struggle that way. I don’t know how to do both…
I Never. Comment on things. But This is the most amazing post i have ever seen on the internet ever. This is powerful and honest and more of what the world needs. If the rest of the world had the strength and boldness it took to post this publically; the world would be a much better place to live. I cannot thankyou enough for sharing this.
I have never been over 180 pounds in my life- including two pregnancies. But I have never been my biggest fan either. My issues with my body have never been about weight, but I have had a lifelong acne battle. I know what it is to look in the mirror and loathe what you see. I applaud you for getting healthier. I understand your struggle and need to find yourself. It is a struggle I deal with daily. My biggest goal is to start accepting my husband’s compliments when he says I’m beautiful. I want to feel beautiful, even with all of the scars on my face and neck, even with the constant battle that is acne elimination. Thanks for this post. It hits home to many of us.
This blog post is EVERYTHING!!! Everything. I’m not at my “after” yet, but I’m getting dangerously close to it. I struggle with mourning the loss (of weight, bad habits that I misinterpreted as comfort, the “me” I was “before”) and the thought of after scares the shit out of me. But you are right. There’s no after, only now…..Thank you!
I totally understand!! I lost 140 lbs, and I have about 100 to go. I hit a plateau when my divorce finalized and then I lost my job of 28 years 5 mos. after that. I am struggling to lose the rest now. I think I’m afraid as I reach the end of my goal, I will expect everything to fall into place magically, and I know it won’t. Then what will I have to blame my unhappiness on? Yes, I totally get it. I would love to hear more from you. But let me say this: You ARE strong!! You will figure it out. And you have people who obviously care about you. Keep posting!! 🙂
I’ve struggled with excess weight for as long as I can remember and your post resonates with me.
Reblogged this on Epilepsy & Babies. and commented:
I found this so inspirational. too much emphasis is placed on being visible beauty and although I’ve never felt comfortable in my skin I never really did anything about it until we were told I had to lose weight for IVF.
I’m now thinner than I have been in years and so close to being the right weight to start our first IVF cycle.
I’m going to use this to remind me that no matter how much I lose what I look like doesn’t mean anything, it’s my personality and outlook that matter. I’m enjoying being thinner but what I’m really proud of is that I found myself along the way. I remembered who I was and what I enjoy!
Thank you for this! Emotions and self-worth can be so powerfully connected to our weight. Sharing!
Reblogged this on The Beauty of Being Boring and commented:
I just thought this was courageous and honest and inspiring. I understand it. Even though our stories are different, I understand it.
Peace, xoK
Thank you for writing this. It gave voice to so much of what I have felt, and even things that I didn’t know I felt. I am finally beginning the work of mourning the loss of my previous identity as “the overweight girl.” I will always struggle with food and myself, but I think that last 50 pounds will be easier to conquer now. I wish you continued success, blessings, and serenity.
One of the things you are is a great, insightful powerful writer. Don’t stop doing that. Your words have been very thought provoking…..I don’t think there is an “after” for anyone. My issues have been very different, but as I removed one obstacle (in your case weight) another showed up. That’s part of the experience maybe! You have learned, about yourself, that you have incredible tenacity….don’t stop. Use that to confront the next obstacle. May I suggest to you that you look into doing the “Landmark Forum”. You will be empowered and enlivened. You will look at those demons and own them. I did it one year ago, my son did it…..both of us would tell you that the experience put us back in the driver’s seat of our own lives…..mastering the personal issues that were defining us. Good Luck to you!
Incredible, I think you have truly opened my eyes and made me rethink everything that has ever been said with people trying to reach this goal. You truly have changed me…. Thank you.
Came to you via Facebook. What an extraordinary post. Those of us who have lived in After bodies most of our lives will agree with you. Finding a way to inhabit After with strength and peace, that’s the true project. I wish you so very well.
So very, very true! One of my biggest fears about losing weight was that I would lose myself. It’s been a struggle but I’m doing well and staying positive. Thank you for this reminder.
I can relate. I’m about 2.5 years after my after. I have accomplished a lot of life stuff since then. I’m not the same low weight that I was at the supposed after, but I’m at a reasonable weight for me. And I’ve become much more comfortable with myself. Sometimes I eat healthy, sometimes I don’t. I focus onother things. Things that are more fun or interesting or productive. There are other goals out there. Other activities. Time will help you accept your new size and hopefully move past that losing weight phase until you don’t even think about it much any more. It’s liberating. Take care!
Wow. Your post is so true and honest. I lost 80 pounds only to succumb to self loathing and gain it all back plus more. Now I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like I keep punishing myself for no good reason. My relationship with food is not a healthy one, but I don’t feel like I belong at an OA meeting either. Perhaps one day I will find whatever it is that will make me okay with myself. thanks for sharing.
I’m not able to keep up with responding to everyone, but I wanted to respond to your comment, because I think a lot of us have been in these shoes. I lost 120 pounds…but technically, I’ve probably lost about 1,000 pounds, because I kept losing, gaining, losing, gaining. Up and down like a yo-yo. I’ve been there. I’m still there, honestly: the scale still moves for me – sometimes in a scary direction.
Your post reminded me of something I wrote about a while back – something I needed a reminder of today – one of “the lies I tell myself.”
So you don’t have to go digging:
You say you don’t know who you are anymore.
I can answer that one for you: you are you.
You’ve always been you.
You will always be you.
You are you going through a time period called “right now.” Right now isn’t who you are. It doesn’t determine who you are. But you do have a choice to make: can you decide to make “one day” be “right now?” Because, I have to tell you… you will always always only have “right now.” I encourage you to grasp it as firmly as you possibly can.
Lisa – now changing HUMAN lives in addition to kitty lives. 🙂
Good job chica! 🙂 – Bettina
Aw, thank you, Bettina! Hope you’re doing well 🙂 MISS YOU! Love your doggie videos and watch them all the time though
Yes! you spoke to me so deeply here. I can identify completely, only I’m still in the “before” stages, even though it’s all “here” and “now”.
I just stumbled across your blog. I’m going to go back and read all of it, because you are an inspiration. I love that you say it like it is. You don’t make excuses. From what I can see, not having read any other post but this one. You are you. You know what you want, and how you want to be and you are making the changes to get there. Life is a journey, and the only way to take the journey is to grow and growth means change. Kudos!! You are Living Life! Loving yourself takes practice, as with all things, the more you practice it, the better you’ll get. All the best.
Wonderfully said. I was never obese but I have been overweight and out of shape. I finally decided to do something about it and I lost 20 lbs (I’m 5′ tall so that’s very significant), but then still didn’t love myself. It was never enough. As a result, I started packing the pounds back on, regaining most of it and losing much of the fitness I’d developed.
I’m now trying to lose weight with a new mindset: rather than thinking I need to be thin to be happy, I’m working on viewing a healthy lifestyle as something I deserve, an act of self-love, a way of respecting myself. Because I’ve been there, where you are, and I couldn’t make it work for me because I didn’t love myself. The “now what?” loomed and i felt like I’d gained nothing from losing. I couldn’t love my past, overweight self; how could I love my current, thin self? Afterall, like you pointed out, past and current are the same self, regardless of body.
I congratulate you on your journey thus far, and wish you luck on continuing it. Just because you’re at “after” doesn’t mean it’s over.
I can hear you, and you are beautiful. I say this having only glimpsed your pictures briefly, but taken your words to heart.
I hardly have words right now. You could be writing my story, as I am right there with you in your struggle. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with the world. You are a beautifully strong and inspirational woman. Wishing you love, luck, strength and joy as you continue your journey.
You look beautiful before and after 🙂
So true & well said!
Proof there are many struggles, the scale does not define us and the journey never end it just changes.
THIS…this…THIS! WOW….found your blog through someone posting on FB. Seriously, I have been going after a # for years now. I am close. Closer than when I started, but I have wondered how I will feel when I get to the ‘after’. I don’t know what it will feel like to not want to lose weight or need to. I have been on this journey to lose for about 12 years now, and I have lost about 100lbs, but not without it’s bumps(gaining) along the way. I don’t know what I will even look like at my ‘goal #’. It kind of scared me because I wasn’t sure who I would be…but your post reaffirmed I will know her, because I am her. I am her. I will look different, and I can be proud of what I have accomplished, and continue to daily.
Pressing on each day…thank you for sharing your experience.
I have no words. This post is eye opening, inspirational, sad, truthful, so many things all in one. YOU are amazing and I don’t even know you. Thank you for sharing this, I found it through a link on FB and had to share myself. Congratulations on discovering something many people would probably not be able to put in words.
This breaks my heart. Will we ever just *be*? It’s so hard to escape from our brains. Solidarity with you, and love to you, as you were and as you are.
I am you. I totally understand.
Yes I really, really hear you. I have lost and gained weight a lot. I have both loved and hated the attention and comments the weight losS brought. I love your spin on it. You are you, then, now, and now is the only time. I’d love to keep hearing your journey. What is your blog?
I’m at “after” and have been struggling with this new place for every reason you described. Thank you so much for putting this feeling into words! And I’m also very protective of the “before” girl who lives inside of me today. The letter you wrote to that picture of yourself really moved me.
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Lisa, I admit, I’ve never read your blog until today. I haven’t read anything else other than this one. However, in just reading this ONE post, you have summed up my life for the past 4 years after losing 108 lbs. There are so many things we are left with once we’ve reached that “magical” number that seemed to matter – so many things that are left unsaid. But, those of us who have halved our weight know without saying.
I hear you.
Thank you! I am just beginning, again! I lost 150lbs before and because I had not been able to deal with “me” I gained back 100 of it. I think the fear of that happening again has left me defeated and feeling like why bother trying again! I so desperately need the weight off for health reasons, but that never seems to be enough to motivate me, even though I live with chronic pain because of it. Who am I without this wall of food, it’s all I’ve known. Thank you for reminding me to stop focusing on the weight and scale and start focusing on my emotional health. Congratulations on your journey thus far!
This blog is incredible – I will be referring to this as I continue on my own journey. Thank you. And Candace, you just wrote my story.
Thank you for sharing this post; it was something I very much needed to read as I am thinking this week about my own struggles with weight loss. You beautifully expressed something that is so difficult to explain about why losing weight is much more of an emotional and psychological challenge than a physical one for me. I’m deeply appreciative of your willingness to open up your journey to others.
Reblogged this on Dolly and commented:
This is what I fear. This scares me about losing all this weight.
Wow! I am so glad that someone has finally written something like this. Thank you
And yes, I hear you loud and clear 😘
I love this article. I’ve been on my “journey” for the past 8 months. I’ve lost 50lbs. I feel better in my own skin. I am proud of myself. However for me it is still a struggle as well. I still haven’t figured out why I tend to overeat. Besides the fact that I love food. It has not been easy and I suspect keeping it off will be no easier. The one thing I know for sure is that I was letting life pass me by. I was an observer instead of an active participant. Now my girls are keeping up with me instead of the other way around. I’m planning activities instead of having “another lazy day”. I love being outside instead of praying for rain or snow so I didn’t have to take them out. I’m a better parent and a better spouse. I’m a better me. But, it’s the me I want to be!
A side note. My favorite comment from people is about my husband and marriage. The comments “oh your husband must be so happy now”!
My husband has always loved me no matter my size.
I literally have tears running down my face…..I can relate to everything you said because I feel you wrote it about me. “After” for me is just the beginning of my new struggle. Thank you for putting words to what I’m feeling.
Good for you for making such a big change in your life, and even more so for realizing that the struggle never stops. My wife and I each lost enough to go from “Obese” to “Normal” BMI, and we constantly fear becoming part of the statistic of people who loose weight and then gain it all, and often more, back. We’ve been maintaining for about three years now, but we never had a moment where we said “YAY! We’re done with our diet! Where are those Oreos?”
Good news is, as much as we are still both very conscious of how we eat and our level of activity, loosing weight is no longer the thing we think of most, and after a while we found other things to fill that hole, which is important. It’s like at first there was food, and that filled a portion of our lives, then we left food behind and that space was filled with “loosing weight”, now we fill that portion of our lives with friends, family, each other, going out, and generally doing things we previously we’re too lethargic, or frankly too embarrassed, to do when we were overweight.
Thank you for putting into clear terms what we’ve tried to explain to people who ask how we haven’t gained all the weight back, there is no “After” only “during”.
There is only here and now so I try everyday to show myself lovingkindness – it works some days and some days it doesn’t. Oh well onto the next day the next moment. I only have this present moment here and now to BE ME, love me, love this vessel (this body) i feel love for this body that does what i ask it to do and try to have love for it when it cannot do what I ask of it. There really is no BEFORE or AFTER there is only NOW – how do I feel about myself today-find something to love if it can’t be it all. And then in the next moment find something else to love about yourself. Because this is YOU no matter your size, number on a scale or idea of what you THINK you look like. I try to look at myself and see love, I am love. With the self love others are more able to feel your love. LOVE LOVE LOVE the miracle of love.
I hear you 💗
You are so very brave and you are absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing this difficult part of weight loss. People need to think before they speak.
I can relate to pretty much all of what you shared having lost over 100 pounds a few years ago and still struggling to find my way. If you aren’t familiar, you should check out “GoKaleo.com” or maybe her FB page https://www.facebook.com/gokaleo?fref=ts
You may find some very helpful insights, friends and information there. Best wishes!
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I think I heard you loud and clear. Its kinda funny because I think you have already discovered yourself. Your writing tells more than you know. Accept who you are. Your beautiful either way. I love the message of your post. I wish I had the discipline to get my weight down to 120 again. I don’t think I have the best relationship with food. Keep writing. I would live to read more.
I love when you said, “I uncovered myself one pound at a time; now, I must REcover myself…I must DIScover myself. And that…that is the new goal. Not numbers. Not sizes. Not inches.”
As a person who struggled with weight and fluctuated with diets, I have finally come to a resolve. That resolve is to love my body unconditionally. Yes, I do love to workout but I do not and will not put my body under unnecessary stress. I found that when I truly started to love me that my whole outlook changed and weightloss was so much more than the physical. It was more so about the emotional and spiritual part of me that needed attention and once I took my eyes off the scale, I began to see myself for the beauty that God made me.
I don’t have a weight loss goal, I’m just loving me and enjoying walking and Zumba and encouraging my fellow peeps along the way!
Thank you! I am on the long journey (as I have been so many times before) to being healthy. I am overweight and know that I need to be healthy, especially for my 14 month old daughter. I am scared out of my mind of going back to my old weight and that isn’t helping. I so appreciate you reminding me that it is just a number, and that during this journey I have to find myself and love myself. I hope I am as brave as you are when I do get to my AFTER. I know I can get there. Thank you so much!!
After losing 80 pounds people would speak about me when I was heavy so negatively right to my face. I would always respond “same person on the inside”. For better or for worse we are must learn to love that person from within if we want happiness.
I enjoyed your blog and can totally relate. I have spent my lifetime focusing on trying to lose weight with obvious success and repeated failure. I have sacrificed many opportunities to discover who I really am and what I am capable of because of where my focus has been. Life as I would have liked to experience it has passed me by. I am 60 now and still pursuing the challenge of weight loss. I don’t know how to escape the roller coaster.
So heartfelt….so truthful. I am so moved. Thank you for your honest share.
i hear you
Thank you thank you thank you for putting the perfect words to my journey.
I am down 235 lbs in one year and now suppose to be in maintenance.
I keep looking at this woman in the mirror and asking who is this?!?
Finding myself down 235 lbs in the past year.
I keep looking at this “new” woman in the mirror and wonder who is this woman looking back at me?!?
I’m still me and always will be but….you are right it is about re-discovering me.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you !!!
Wow, Becky, it takes a lot of courage to be so honest and vulnerable. I recently came to the discovery that I don’t feel worthy of love and it shocked me when I understood this constant feeling of not belonging and comparison and negative tapes that play in my head. With a lot of prayer, therapy, and community I pray I will feel whole and I pray the same for you. I’m not sure if you read any of Brene brown’s work but it has been really helping me and might be worth taking a look. Best to you. Annie
Loved to read your story and I wish you everything you need. Try to live in the “now” and enjoy all the things you can do. I dieted from 15 to 70 and still am fighting and very much morbide obese.
I realy hope you win it from your thoughts and : “Be Happy” lots of love from the Netherlands.
Thank you Lisa for this brave posting. I also went through major weightloss some years ago – lost about 90 pounds in about 6 months’ time, and could not find myself afterwards – I did not know where I belonged, my body was alien to me, I still felt like an outsider. And, after the very stringent diet I followed, I gained all the weight back again once I started eating off-diet. This year, after about 5 years back at my ‘normal’ weight of 292 pounds, I have at last found the courage to once again embark on reshaping myself – but this time it is by following a better, more sustainable lifestyle – giving my mind time to adjust to the new shape as I go. I realise I will always have a struggle, no, intense relationship, with my weight. But it is very heartening to find that I am not the only one that feels the way I do, needing to rediscover, and reshape my mind and body as I go.
Dear Lisa, I have read your blog (which I saw on Facebook) and now I am sitting here, wanting to say Thank You for sharing your words. I definitely hear you! And you inspire me. Your words have openend my eyes and more than that. So again, thank you. I wish you all the love in the world!
Evelien (The Netherlands)
Yeeeehaw……congratulations on starting the true journey…..you have already taken the hardest step. Just keep going……..hugs girlfriend……..
Lisa, I read this feeling you were talking as if you were me. I’m not hugely overweight but afraid of losing me if I do manage to reach my healthy target, health issues abound : (
Thank you, you’ve made me realise who we are is not our outer bodies but our minds. You are strong, with a beautiful soul, live well and enjoy each & every moment x
This made me cry so hard- I also lost weight with Weight Watchers. I started at 229. I’m smaller today- not 120 for certain- but I definitely put a lot of value in the number on the scale, the number on the body fat monitor, the number of people who ask how I did it, and the number of people who say how good I look.
Thank you for sharing this. Much love to you.
This is so well said…. I am the same person inside at 135 as I was at 235. I am still loving and caring and kind but it’s just that I HAD to lose weight to love myself. Not true at all because I am still struggling. I don’t have pity for the Before Cindy…I am proud of her and think she’s a strong lady! Just like the After Cindy. I just need to remind myself daily that it’s not about the weight. Never was.
Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us!
Hello beautiful 🙂 My friend sent me a link to your blog entry. It’s probably because she’s known me since we were 12 and she’s seen me struggle with my weight ever since. We are almost 33 now. I talked her ear off last night about all the changes I’ve made recently and about the start of my own weight loss journey. I’ve been finding myself in the last couple years after leaving a 10 year relationship that I held most of my identity in along with what you said “needs to lose weight”. It’s been exciting and I’m finally starting to see the inches and pounds come off yes but I also feel more healthy from the inside out. I just wanted to tell you this post touched me and pushed me even further as today I’m having a good struggle day. I think one thing you can do now is inspire people. You have a lot to learn like we all do but you also have a lot to teach! #effyourbeautystandards movement has really changed my life. Check it out if you haven’t!! Much love and light to you on your journey sister.
Wow – powerful blog. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing!!!!
What a beautiful post! I get it! You are not alone on this! I will be back to read more. You are enough!
I love to read things like this because it’s actually really hard to google people in similar situations. I’m in the process of losing a lot of weight, about halfway through my journey and while I’m fairly sure my head is in the right place, there are days when I walk past the mirror and don’t recognise myself. I don’t recognise my thighs when I’m sitting down, my wrists when I type and even more so this new me which seems to want to exercise. People suddenly feels it’s ok to talk about how fat I was before and how good I look now compared to then. Well yeah, probably but let’s not forget…inside I’m still that fat person who is insecure and can’t take a compliment so when it’s said to my face it’s really hard. It makes me more paranoid that they were actually looking at me before in disgust and that makes me feel worse. I’m dealing with it day by day and on the outside everyone assumes life is wonderful but on the inside it’s very odd. I’ve changed in so many ways and it’s just all about my head catching up with my body. I’ve no idea how I’ll be at target if I’m struggling now only half way through. Thanks for posting this, I wish there was a facebook group somewhere for support on this issue. Maybe you should set one up? Seems like there’s a lot of people in your shoes right now x
Reblogged this on A New Approach and commented:
Wow – needed to hear this message.
“There is today. There is now. There is during. There is life. . . Me. I am the goal. Finding. Loving. Being.”
I came here yesterday to read your blog following a fb share, and was so moved and touched I stayed to read through the many heartfelt replies that your words evoked in others. Many of those folks expressed what I was thinking and feeling-both empathy (been there, still there, it’s hard), concern (I know how important good therapy is for helping us think through and work through negative “infinite do loops” we get into), and admiration for your self-awareness (wow, I’m 55 and it took a LOT more life experience and just plain TIME for me to SEE this in myself and begin to work on it.-in fits and starts.)
All of those “conversations” have been in my mind running in the background for the past 24 hours. Your words gave me the next gentle “push” to acknowledge what I need to do in my own effort to truly see and accept ME -who I am , right now, not with “changes pending” and not waiting until I “arrive” a some place to let myself really SEE myself because it will be easier, better, ok.
…so THANK YOU for your courage and bravery to “put it down on paper” and make it real. You have made it real for so many more than just yourself and that is such a powerful way to affirm to me that I AM SEEN…you put in words what I have felt and reacted to for years but never really been able to articulate. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
Here’s a small gift back to you, I hope, that I discovered this morning on Brainpickings (http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/01/19/pema-chodron-the-wisdom-of-no-escape/) from Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chödrön. They are from of a series of meditations in her book ” The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness”.
“The problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. The other problem is that our hangups, unfortunately or fortunately, contain our wealth. Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom.”
and
“This is the process of making friends with ourselves and with our world. It involves not just the parts we like, but the whole picture, because it all has a lot to teach us.”
I know I can’t love myself until I make friends with myself…thank you for being part of helping me see a next step I can take.
I hear you. I will be reading this again and again just to absorb all of the wisdom you have just shared. Thank you. I really needed this right now. I think I have always sabotaged my weight loss efforts because I am terrified that I will get to the “after” and still not be happy. I think I will focus on the happy instead of the skinny.
Reblogged this on Alternate Realities and commented:
This is an amazing transformation with an amazing realization. When I lost 90lbs to get down to my high school weight, I was thrilled. But I was miserable. Now that all of those pounds have come back and my life is balanced and I am truly, blissfully happy…. am I less of a person?
Being overweight again has diluted my joy of being engaged. It has plagued me every time I look in the mirror. But I remember that when I was 130 pounds…. I was miserable. I was self-destructive. I was not who I am. I didn’t love myself more. In fact, I did things that intentionally hurt myself both physically and emotionally.
Remember that who you are is not a number on the scale. Strive to live a healthy life. Push for self-love, not some arbitrary size. Be yourself. Love yourself. Rediscover and redefine your idea of sexy. This woman is an inspiration to me and this post should be shared. Bravo!
Thank you for this. I reblogged it, but I just wanted to add– you are beautiful. Inside, outside, you are beautiful. You are worthy. You are an inspiration. I was an after. And now I am back to before. I never learned the lessons that you are working towards. I never really loved me or resolved my issues with food. Now, I’m back on the road to being healthy and truly loving myself. Thank you for sharing your journey with the world. I wish I could give you a hug!
Beautiful post. I’ve struggled when reaching the “after” in many areas of my life – weight loss, career, relationships. I’m constantly trying to remind myself that there is no finish line, it’s really just the journey. Thanks again for sharing!
What an amazing message!! Thank you!! I also struggle year after year with my weight, sometimes I succeed sometimes I don’t when I do, the comments piss me off!! You look so amazing!! That’s like saying, “thank god, I can be seen with you in public again!” At least that’s what I hear! I always say “congratulations!! It’s so challenging to loose weight!! You’re such a strong beautiful person!! You can really do anything you set your mind to.” Because this is what I like to hear!! Recognition of my efforts, and reguardless of the weight loss, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, and you can do ANYTHING!! If I ever got down to my goal, I’m sure I would have the same issue. It’s been a struggle my whole life, so if I ever achieved it, I’m not sure what I’d do. I’ve blamed my weight on why I’m single!! If I ever got to my goal weight, what would be the reason I’m single?? Am I ready to deal with the answer??
Well, dealing once again with “a number,” it does seem like a lot of people _are_ hearing you. (Never, ever, in my life have I had to scroll soooooooo far—and have to keep on scrolling and scrolling—through comments.)
But never mind us. There’s only one single person who needs to hear you: YOU. (Are you hearing…?)
Life is a progression. There is no final “After.” Instead, we go through continuing series of them. One after another.
Equating who we are as something separate and totally “other” from our physcial body is an incredibly nut to crack. I can (sometimes) get it in theory, but never have been able to in practice.
Keep on keeping on becoming/seeing/hearing who you are. You’re so worth getting know—especially by your ownself. (You get that I’m talking about _you_, not your physical form, right?)
yes, so this. Im struggling with the ‘after’ too as I dont think my journey will ever really end. Thank you for making me think of the now.
OMG! I have been trying to put into words this very thing. I was “after” a couple years ago. And I was terrified. And I thought I failed because I gained some weight back. Turns out I had to face the demons through some amazing life coaching and eventually lose my “identity” in a couple ways. And through that I found myself.
THANK you for this. It really helped me bring into tight focus the reason I indeed feel peaceful, though I am not at any sort of a preconceived goal weight. My life is just good in so many unexpected ways. Many Many virtual hugs
What a beautifully written post. Thank you. I went from 225 down to 165, but have been slowly gaining again. It’s so hard. So incredibly hard and the temptation to try anything drastic, even if it is unhealthy or harmful, is strong. Especially when you’ve been That Girl Who Lost The Weight and now everyone expects you to keep going. The pressure is insane. I need to get back to a healthier lifestyle, but it all seems overwhelming. And even at my smallest, I don’t think I was ever necessarily happier than I was at my biggest. This post has reminded me to keep going but also to remember to try and love myself where I am and be happy in the moment. It’s not something I’ve ever been very good at, but you’ve given me the courage to try again. Again, thank you.
Wow. Where have you been all my life? So much truth here!!
I lost a lot of weight but still hated myself. Eventually, I gained it all back. I’m just starting to get back to focusing on myself. Thank you for posting this.
Oh wow, you nailed it so hard! Hell yes, you are strong. And you’ve said what a lot of women in your position are feeling, but not daring to say out loud. I had similar struggles when I hit my own “after-not-after,” and while it gets easier over time, it’s still no picnic (if you’ll pardon the pun).
But your radical honesty with yourself and with the world means you’re going to be just fine. Whether or not you believe it right now. Great essay. Well done. Thank you.
I did a weight watchers type program before my 2 children and was very successful.
I had postpartum with my second child and put on medication that caused me to gain a lot of weight.
The dr. that prescribed me the medication (that I am still on) has told me that I need weight watchers.
I am unhappy with the weight that I am but I am having an extremely hard time this time with counting calories.
Can I ask what your stratigies you used in your weight loss?
I need to loose at least 45 lbs. the dr. would say more like 60 lbs but, 45 would make me feel good about myself.
One of my fears at 39 with so much weight to loose is excess flabby skin. Did you have this problem in the stomach area?
I just stumbled across your blog. I will read it when I have some quiet time alone. I also signed up to receive updates.
Thank you for being so open and honest.
Tara
Thank you for articulating what I have been experiencing. I have finally gotten to a healthy weight but still find myself looking at the scale and anxious because it’s not going down. My mind hasn’t registered that I’m at a very healthy 123 to 126 pounds for my 5’7″ frame. And that I have maintained that for over a year. I still struggle with seeing food as a reward or retreat from an overwhelming world. I work daily to shift my thinking and re-establish a reward system that isn’t food focused. It is such an inspiration to hear such honesty and to recognize we’re not alone in our thoughts and struggles! Hugs and positive wishes of support to you!
I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but we are on this same journey and I feel that I am walking in your footsteps! Thank you for these words, as I will use them to try to help myself deal with the “after”. Know that you have lifted me up today and I thank you, Anne
Wow! I was in tears reading this! I’m on my journey now and your words are so inspiring! I LOVE it! And I hear you. This really touched a part of my soul, and I will remember this through my journey of discovering myself!
So, I read this and realized that I’m lucky…I’ve been struggling to get to my “after” for a few years now but recently I realized that I’m already living my after. The scale is what the scale is and, of course, I wish the number was lower…or my body fat comp was better…but it isn’t. It is what it is. In the meantime, I’m stronger than I have ever imagined I would be, I’m doing amazing things at the gym, I’m hiking, I’m camping, I’m enjoying time with friends, I’m challenging myself. I no longer see the old me in the mirror. I finally see the strong, confident woman I have become. I’m happier than I have ever been…I’m living my after…and loving every moment.
thank you for putting into words my thoughts. I read this and cried-twice. You couldn’t be more on point.
Thank you for sharing your courageous truth!
Reblogged this on Mishakal's Mind: A Blog of Healing Thoughts and commented:
In my experience, healing is truly more than skin deep, more than body mass index deep. It’s about learning to love you just the way you are. Every day. Inside and out.
I can hear you.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I am so glad to know someone else has this struggle. Two years ago I lost 50 pounds and everyone congratulated me and kept talking about it and focusing on it, but I wasn’t happy. I had worked hard but I wasn’t enjoying it…I felt I had lost me in the process of what I thought was trying to find me. Since then I’ve gained back 15-20 pounds and I’m working to get back down where I was numerically, but I refuse to do so again at the expense of myself. I have finally come to feel that I love who I am and the skin I’m in. I would prefer that the number on the scale read less, but regardless I’m happy. I’m more healthy now, physically, mentally, and emotionally, than I have ever been before. I looked in the mirror finally, after months of searching, and finally saw “me” again, regardless of what anyone else sees.
wow. I’ve lived a similar journey and you articulated it brilliantly. Thank you.
THANK YOU! I’ve lost 60 pounds, 11% body fat and over 51 inches. I can relate to everything you posted here. I did start because of my blood pressure, which I’m happy to report that I have not been on meds for over 8 months now. There isn’t ever an after, it is a struggle every single day. That roll of Girl Scout Thin Mints that I would love to chow on…
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
I can. I hear you and I feel you. I know the struggle all too well.
Thank you
these posts are AMAZING!! very up in your face and that is not meant as a negative statement it is a HELLOOOOO paying attention kind of thing. We forget that people have many different ways of coping with things and sometimes they are very negative ways, my negative ways are eating, and its never things like carrot sticks and celery oh no no no its things like half a carrot cake. I have bought a piece of property and with my brothers help I am going to learn how to build my house, not me paying someone to build it I am physically going to build it myself. I am 50 years old, do I wish I had done it when I was younger? ummm yep but here is the thing, I am 50, VERY overweight and wanting this weight off, but to be able to do something like build a house, something I never thought I was capable of doing, I am very excited to get started. I lost 75 pounds a couple years ago, yeah me right? well yes and no, I did it but clearly the true problem was never dealt with cause I gained it all back, I am a nurse, yep, arent we supposed to SHOW how to live healthy instead of just TELL people the right ways, well between building my house and wanting to be a better nurse I am focused, more water, no white products ie bread, rice, potatoes, sooooo here we go!!!!!
This is the truest, most honest, most accurate thing I have ever read on the subject. You, madame, are a rock star.
I hear you.
Thank you!
This was incredibly helpful!
Thank you for your honesty. I “found” your blog on Coffey’s FB. Working with Coffey’s principles, I am learning not to dwell on the “after”. Learning to live in the NOW, and applying the lessons I’m learning are helping me to heal. I wish you peace and acceptance during your journey.
I can hear you 🙂 thank you for one of the wisest statements regarding weight loss I have ever read
Lisa, this is a truly beautiful post, and has obviously come from a truly beautiful person (inside, as we’ve clearly established that beauty is NOT what’s on the outside). I am very much physically where you were in your “before” pics, but thought that I could not progress towards your “after” pics until I had worked out the mental/emotional/phsychological issues that kept me physically large, and so I have postponed my weight loss push. My issues have always led to overeating, and until I can control that, I feel that weight loss efforts in my personal case would be pointless, another yo-yo ride at best, and we all know how unhealthy that is!
So I have postponed it all, working on my mental health first, and making some slow but steady progress along the way. And as you said to one of the earliest comments (I have not read all of these, only the top few, there’s a ton of comments here!), the answer of “why change” may come up as “don’t” once I finally get there. I think it will come up as “for my greater physical comfort” eventually, but one never knows. I am finding love and acceptance at the size I am (hovering somewhere just over the 400lb mark), and I never thought that possible before, but it IS. I have men tripping over their tongues lining up to get at me. I have a steady boyfriend of over four years who is quite devoted to me at this size. I have a society which is on the cusp of revolution at the idea of accepting people of plus size. I’m coming to terms with my weight. It’s all very exciting, to be honest.
You are clearly a brave, strong woman. You have what I would call a lifetime membership in the Order of Fat Ladies, because you’ve been there, you understand it, and I doubt, from your writing, that you will ever be able to forget what it was like. Take it as a compliment, that’s how it is meant. “That girl is me,” you said in reference to your before pictures. And you’re absolutely right, she is. And I’m proud to have met you, even if only via your writing. Thank you for sharing your courage and strength and your skill with words. Your epiphany is enlightening, and helpful to others. My day is brightened by seeing the world through your eyes for a moment.
Thank you.
Josie – I think you need to be my new BFF! That girl is me and I am that girl.
Reblogged this on Walking a Different Path and commented:
Awesome thought process…
This is an excellent, strong and brave post. It takes a lot to go beyond the platitudes to what’s really happening knowing a lot of people don’t want to take the time to hear it. I think it makes perfect sense that you have this situation and I know you’re not alone. I’m sure that the emotional component is responsible for the high amount of rebound weight gain that happens to people who’ve worked so hard. Recognizing and accepting this in yourself is a great way to address it so you can overcome it. You’re definitely strong and brave and I hope a lot of people read this blog because it’s very inspiring and good for people to know they’re not alone.
I hope that you find the peace you are looking for. In my own experience, Traditional Chinese Medicine (acupuncture) is very helpful, as is meditation, writing/journaling (which you’re clearly already doing) and yoga, which, like meditation, really helps connect your body and mind to each other.
I wish you lots of luck and I send you hugs.
I hear you Sister. And welcome to the Sorority of Brokenness…I wrote this piece years ago and every shock, growth spurt or cycle of suffering I or someone else close experiences, I pull it out to
read and remember. For you, dear friend.
The Sorority of Brokenness
Welcome to the Sorority of Brokenness. We don’t have Greek letters or even a symbol for our kind
We populate the world mixing in with the rest of womanhood
We are at once easy going and indignant, grateful and hopeless, accepting and outraged
We know that belonging to this club has been worth the cost of all the dues paid
We have contributed those dues whether handed over gracefully and willingly or given kicking and screaming the entire time
You have paid your dues like the rest of us
…. From our heart, broken a hundred times into a million different pieces. Only to be melded back together again with tenacity and intention… to continue to forgive and to love
…From our mind, which has been broken a hundred times into a million different pieces. Only to be fused back together by our commitment and drive to keep sane and sincere…. to save and to serve
…Dues from our bodies, broken a hundred times into a million different pieces, only to be glued back together by our need and yearning…to hold hands and walk with our lovers, our family and our friends
This club will not accept the unscathed, the protected or the inexperienced…no; you never join this club in one piece…this is the Sorority of Brokenness
Welcome to the club, dear friend
Atlanta Ferrall 2009
Beautiful before AND beautiful after. I do congratulate you on your hard work to be healthy. Hope the happiness comes soon, too!
Well, that was perfect. For anyone, any struggle. I’m going to remember this: there is no before, there is no after, there is only during.
I know this. Thank you for putting it into words. I copied what you wrote onto a post-it note for my desk… “Don’t change; Discover. Don’t become; Be.” I have gained and lost a few times in the last 13 years and at a point now where I want to lose again, I am asking myself who will I be if I succeed. You have assured me of a vitally important thing… I will be me.
This is a lovely post. I lost weight and work on maintaining with intermittent fasting. It’s not always easy. I know I’ll have to do it the rest of my life.
You are right. There is no after. There is only today.
The past is done. We have to let it go.
The future holds promise.
But all we actually have to enjoy is today.
My journey has been different from yours. It included weight loss and exercise, but then it included alcohol abuse and compulsion.
I’m also on a journey to me. It’s all inner work.
Stick with it. I have found more enjoy and happiness learning to love myself than I ever could have imagined.
Anne
Hi Lisa! I’m an editor at the Huffington Post and just came across this powerful post. I think our readers would really connect to it. Would you be interested in reposting it with us? If so, please email me hayley.miller@huffingtonpost.com. We’d love to feature your voice on HuffPost. Hope to hear from you!
Thank you for sharing this thought. I had a very similar experience (supported weight loss plan for a while, then myfitnesspal, lost 86 pounds) When I reached my “goal weight” I had no idea what to do, and in fact my last 10 pounds took a very long time because I was terrified. I had never, as an adult, maintained a healthy weight. Being the “fat one” or the “one who is losing weight” had always been my identity. It took a long time of acting out and trying to figure out who the new “me” was before I started to feel comfortable with myself.
I still struggle with food, exercise, the number on the scale, anxiety, depression, and my self esteem everyday. And it is great to know I am not alone, but also sad because I would never wish these feelings on another person.
I read an interesting book about finding yourself in the after. The story is different, but some of the feelings are the same. Not sure if it would be helpful on your journey, but it was for mine.
This theory is true for many situations in life. The fact that you were able to put it into words is applause worthy. I feel that way about becoming a mother. Before. During. After. I am the same person. I morphed into something I maybe don’t recognize now. But I am still me. I am happy for it. I like being a mom. I love being a mom. I see myself in photos or in my mind are frozen images of myself before during and after. My after is now my kids are in school. Not needing me every minute of every day. And this is not the same as losing a lot of weight. But maybe it is. Emotionally. People judge each other. We judge ourselves. We change. We stay the same. You are lovely. You have made changes. But your are the same and that’s ok. It’s great actually. Because you were fine before. And you are fine now. You will sort out what to do. It seems you already are. I think people may feel this in a divorce. Before marriage. During. And after. A death. Coping. It’s brilliant really. Simple. Thank you for the insight.
I hear you and I get it! I struggled with bulimia for over 20 yrs. For most of those 20 yrs., the number on the scale NEVER moved more than 10 lbs in either direction but even 1 lb could imprison me with my thoughts and obsession that somehow there was a “pot of gold” somewhere that contained my happiness. If I could just lose a little more weight, all my feelings of anger, inadequacy, shame, jealousy, worthlessness, etc would somehow vanish too. Those feelings were where my work was and they had nothing to do with a scale or food.
I don’t struggle with this today, and I can say I TRULY love who I am and even see my eating disorder as a gift that has given me deep insight into pain and healing….perhaps that was the pot? Keep moving forward. Your honesty IS your healing…stay true, life’s a process of learning to love and forgive yourself. Thank you for your courage to be honest. You cracked a door for many others to walk through.
Fantastic! You have summed up perfectly what we all need to know and understand. There is only now. This phenomenon affects all of us to some degree as we go from stage to stage of life…. From kid at home to adult on your own, from single to married, from athlete to exerciser, from mom at home to empty nester. We all should strive to find out who and what we are outside of those labels so that when the label changes we don’t lose ourselves! For better or worse we are the sum of our whole existence. I wish you all the best discovering you! It sounds like you are headed in the right direction. One step at a time. Each step into now.
This is such an amazing post, thank you so much for sharing. It is so generous of you to share the inner struggle of your experience. Too many people are bombarded with just the images of the mold of how to look. Not enough people are guided through the journey of working on both mind and body together as one. Love, love, love your post!
Reblogged this on The Life of a Fat Runner and commented:
This post speaks volumes to me. I think that she nailed the WHY of why I keep slipping back, and it’s the fear of the after. I struggle with who the Cory who is at his target weight is, I am afraid, a little, of who Cory at 185 pounds would be. Would I even know that person? Would I like them? It’s a scary thing for a lifetime weight loss expert, cause thats what I am, a weight loss expert. It’s the maintaining that I fail at, and it out of fear. I know this… thanks so much for this post…
Wow, powerful and honest message here. I had never stopped to think about this myself. I am on a weightloss journey, and although I have got close to my “dream weight” before, I have never truly felt happy about myself. You brought tears to my eyes because I felt identified by this. Thanks for sharing.
I wanted to thank you for this post. It was honest and hit me at all the right places. More people especially girls need to hear these thoughts and internalize these emotions. Everyone has their own struggles and secret issues and you taking the time and confidence to voice them out loud has helped me greatly -so I just wanted you to know that you’ve touched at least one “stranger” today. I’ve been struggling for the past year with my weight, self confidence, self image and happiness – never thought I would be in this situation I’m in. Thank you for this blog post. It has helped me think about a lot of things that I was too scared to admit to myself.
i absolutely hear you. This is so awesome. I have been there and failed miserably at understanding all of the feelings and why my life wasn’t completely different at “after”. So I am back at “before” and moving through “during “. Thank you for this!
Found this blog through a buddy of mine, and even though I am a guy not yet to “goal” I relate very well to what you’ve written. I am still in the phase where I have a lot of weight to lose to get to a healthy place about 50 lbs) and I am down about 25 from my highest point. I have been very close to my goals in the past and self sabotaged/bs’d my way back to where i started or worse several times. I look forward to reading more about your journey thus far and I will be following along and reading your blog, and going on back thru your posts. This was a very well written article. I wish you success on your continuing journey!
This is GOLD!!! You have put into words what so many of us have/are going through. I can not love this more and will be sharing with many friends. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
I hear you and it wasn’t until I lost 100 lbs and still was unhappy that I figured that I had to deal with the rest or end up on my death bed regretting a life I didn’t lead. I applaud your courage and hope that someone, anyone who desperately needs a light will find you.
I too am working with the AMAZING Kelly Coffey of Strongcoffey.com. Check her out…She’s changed my life and given me tools to live it with love.
I hear you loud and clear. I am living the same life. I lost over 200 i have also found some again. Because it is a constant battle with food. Food is my drug and old habits die hard. I will forever have to struggle with who i am. I am trying to love me , flaws and all. And i know i can only live one day at a time.
DAWN
So true and beautiful. Inspirational as well. Here is something another inspiring female has created to help women develop that loving, self-celebrating relationship with themselves. It’s called This Body of Work: https://www.facebook.com/thisbodyofwork?fref=ts
I encourage you to check it out. And thank you for sharing.
I. HEAR. YOU.
Wow…you hit the nail on the head! Thank you! You were able to get in my head and say all those things I think and feel but haven’t been a able to articulate.
Thank you for this beautiful and honest post. I just wanted to recommend YOGA as part of your journey. For many, yoga begins as a physical practice, but after time you will find that it truly works to peel away the layers to reveal the beautiful, Divine light that shines from within. You are clearly shining very brightly right now! Sending you peace & love on your journey! ❤ Julia
What a powerful post! So well written. I understand that feeling and struggle with truly loving and accepting myself at any weight. You expressed this so well. Keep up the hard work. I have worked hard and made progress, its a journey.
I have lost a lot of weight. I am terrified every single day of waking up and I’m fat again. If I skip a day of exercise due to time constraints, I’m terrified of not going the next day and never going again. I always say that weight loss is as much in my head as on my body. I’ve been in this body for a few years, but my head is still in my bigger body. It hasn’t caught up yet, and not sure it ever will. I’m a lot older than you are, but you’re a lot smarter than I could ever be. Thank you for articulating what I have long thought.
Oh Beryl, I’m with you 100% and working on my head to catch up. At the same time, for me maintenance takes the same amount of vigilance, discipline, and effort that losing the weight did, and it took many pounds lost and regained to learn that lesson. I feel pretty good about food, but I struggle with taking rest days, even though I know they are beneficial.
Reblogged this on The Muse's Darling and commented:
Oh wow. This is so valuable. I’m going through something similar myself–very, very similar–and I’m experiencing the grief and anger upon getting down 50 pounds. Nowhere near my “after” but closer to After than Before. And now I’ve put 25 pounds back on because I just can’t bear it. I can’t stand the change I’m going through. I have change-fatigue, and this blog post helps me because I can see something now that I couldn’t before I read it: part of my problem is that there is no “tomorrow when everything’s perfect.” There is no tomorrow, there is no perfect. There is only now, whatever that is.
Thank you for your beautifully honest post. You are amazing.
This is PHENOMENAL truth, which is exactly what I said when I shared this extraordinary post on Facebook. Thank you for being willing to share your truth. These are words that so many can relate too. I keep reading what you’ve shared over and over and every time I’m left with a feeling of wanting to YELL at the top of my lungs to anyone who will listen and simply say THIS is THE truth. Your vulnerability is inspirational. I see you. All of you. Thank you. Truly. Your words are life changing. Blessings to you on your journey.
I hear you loud and clear! I’ve been you your shoes, walked that walk, etc. I’ve lost (but prefer to use the word “relinquished” because we tend to want to find things we lose) 220 lbs. Yes, 220 consecutive pounds (not the drop 10, gain 20, drop 20, drop 10, gain 20, thing – but 220 pounds). I still get on the scale, I’ve found it to be the only true friend because it doesn’t lie to you no mater what. Not that a certain number is important, but it does keep you honest. But you are mistaken, you should be congratulated for your victory. People would congratulate me for all the time and I gotta tell ya – I was embarrassed when I would say “thank you”. Why embarrassed you ask? Because all could see was the fact that I allowed myself to get so large that I had to lose (relinquish) 220 lbs. Then it hit me – I didn’t do it for anyone else but myself. If people want to congratulate me, fine, and thank you. I’ve learned so much over the past few years. How to have healthy mind, healthy body, and healthy finances. It’s like a three-legged stool; if one of the three is broken (or missing) the stool falls over.
Thank you for sharing your story. Just know you are not alone.
I hear you, because I am at the before. And I wonder, if before I can have a during, or after if I should discover first. Because there is little motivation to start when you don’t feel worth it in the first place. Sometimes discovery needs to come first.
So true.
have you ever thought of doing Landmark? It’s changed my world in so many positive ways. It’s helps you find what’s really important to you and empowers you to be in action to make THAT life real.
Old Chinese Proverb: When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
You’re heading in the right direction.
Reblogged this on #2Sizes and commented:
A powerful message about “After. “
Thank you for posting this.
What a lovely honest reflection. You might consider the universityofsantamonica.edu where the programs and workshops are about how to align our physical, mental, and emotional growth to create that inner fulfillment you are describing. We can literally shed the limiting thoughts and patterns that have us in the illusion of judging ourselves and others. Congrats on your great strength of heart and willingness to be a real inspiration to others. I see your goodness and beauty.
I totally understand. I went from 257 to 153. I actually got down to 146 but didn’t feel like sustaining that. 153 is most manageable to me and the funny thing is, I struggle cause I want to be 151. 2 lousy lbs and I’ve been struggling to get back to it. I remember when I hated being overweight but I also didn’t weight myself every week. I think about every meal and how I can keep my calories below 1600-1700. I am happy at my “after” but sometimes I think about spending the rest of my life working out 4 days a week and counting calories and it gets depressing. This, by the way, is not meant to be discouraging. I just wanted to let you know that I understand.
Oh yes, I can hear you. I’m so glad to have found your blog. I would like to link to this post from my blog, with your permission. Weight loss and body image issues are so complex and hearing your perspective is both interesting and important.
BB
You absolutely have my permission to link to the post. Thank you! 🙂
Thanks!
I’ve thought about this a lot – I’m glad someone else feels the same! I am nowhere near my goal fitness level yet, but just getting 30 pounds off feels better already. Still, I waited a long time out of stubbornness – I have never not liked myself, and I want to make it clear I’m doing it for ME – not for other people to say, “oh you look so much BETTER” NO. that’s hurtful. I am still me, have always been me, in my body. It’s not complimentary to have ire towards me as an overweight individual but suddenly see me as “worthy” when I’m losing weight/get to a sustainable, healthier weight. It’s all the progress. You’re great, I hear you.
I hear you and I thank you for this post, on behalf of everyone who weighs anything.
Wow. This is so beautiful and moving; there’s so much truth and power in what you have to say. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve been working on a blog post on a very similar theme; I’m at the beginning of a renewed commitment to my health and I found myself down the rabbit hole of the mania of before and after pictures/narratives. There was no self-care in that, only alienation and negativity.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to link to this post when I’m done with my own. Thank you, again, for this beautiful essay. Im looking forward to reading about the next stage of your journey, If you decide to share that here.
I have been heavy and thin and back again. I never understood people who say “I can’t believe I was that person” with disgust. That is you. You are still you. You can be a different version of you.
You may want to submit to Huffington Post. Really. It’s amazing.
Yes. A thousand times yes. Thank you for putting into words my swirly storm of feelings about pictures of “when I was fat”…I *want* to love that girl too — IT’S ME!!! Thank you for saying that it’s somehow scarier *now*. Such a powerful post. Thank you.
I’m on the same journey as you (and coincidentally am trying to lose weight also). People dish out the compliments and while I know they are meant to be kind and encouraging they make me think – was I really that bad before? I hope that you get to know yourself more and find happiness & thankfulness in every moment. You are you. You are deserving. You are not alone.
spot on! I have lost 80 pounds and thought I would be “done”. I too realized that there is no “done”…no end of the race no “now I am at my goal weight and can eat anything I want”. I struggle every day with my weight and with the feelings of self doubt. It is a journey with no end and I wish more people would be honest as you have been!! let’s not even START talking about the extra skin!!
Wow! Thank you for posting this! As someone who decided to go on this journey 4 years ago I too didn’t realize what “after” meant. I thought that would be when I got to my ideal weight, well that came so I stopped exercising and boom hello weight again. To this day I still struggle, I have gained, lost, gained…I try to take it one day at a time but I do see now there is no “after” I am on another cycle of exercising and eating well and I feel great but I know how easy it is for me to fall off this train, so I look at what I can do to keep myself on track.
I know people mean well when they look at me and say you don’t need to lose weight, why are you exercising? What they don’t understand is if I don’t exercise I won’t feel as great as I do and I will just gain the weight right back.
Keep your head up and remember no one understand you like you do. I hope all these positive messages help keep you where you want to be.
I hear you. : )
First, congratulations! What you did took incredible focus and strength.
I am working through a similar journey, just taking a different path.
I don’t know you at all, but I could identify with your current struggle. Weigh Diwn has helped me with the heart issues. Just consider looking into it. It could help.
very powerful, and so very wise. Recognizing and naming the issue is,
i suspect, a major part of learning to live with your relationship to food. I applaud your ability tto articulate the feelings so well.
First, congratulations! What you did took incredible focus and strength.
I am working through a similar journey, just taking a different path.
I don’t know you at all, but I could identify with your current struggle. Weigh Down has helped me with the heart issues. Just consider looking into it. It could help.
I loooooove this post!!!!!!!!!!! Write more! I love your honesty and you discovery!
Very powerful….thanks for sharing, and best wishes to you!
I hear you! Thank you for this. Thank you so much.
Thank you for sharing your story and perspective with us all. We can all learn from each other and I appreciate your story. I wanted to share something I learned a while back as well with whomever runs across this. In the book “Psycho-Cybernetics” author Maxwell Maltz teaches what he saw in his patients – that until they could see themselves differently, nothing really changed. I would recommend that book to people wanting to change what they see in themselves, as well as the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks. These are great tools to changing how we see ourselves, an to believe that things tomorrow do not have to be what they are today. Good luck with the ongoing journey!
You make perfect sense. We live in a culture that is very body conscious.
The outward struggle that was always there is still there. If you have reached your goal, then throw out or put away anything that has reduced your life to a battle with weight; like scales. Your clothes, and your energy level will let you know if you are falling into old habits.
Who are you? Why are you here? Where did you come from? Where will you be after you are no longer here? — These are the big questions we all must seek answers for. You have a very positive energy in your writing style. You have encouraged many. I encourage you to seek truth, and walk in peace.
Thank you for sharing
I hear you.
I hear you and I am so thankful that you’ve shared this. Thank you!!
Lisa, I saw your blog post in my FB newsfeed this evening and I was immediately drawn to reading it. Thank you for being so open with what you are going through on your weight journey. I hesitate to post a link to my book (because I’m not trying to self-promote), but I feel that it would be wrong not to, since I believe that the concepts in my book could help you shift your mindset to one that is more self-loving. Anyway, my book is called Love Yourself Lighter: How to End Your Weight Struggle by Changing the Way You Think. If the concept of ending the weight struggle in your mind by learning how to truly love yourself speaks to you, I invite you to check it out. Take good care, and thank you for sharing your story with us.
My very best always,
Suyin
I hear you! For so long I have been in turmoil with myself, both trying to love and accept myself and simultaneously hating the body I am in. Thank you for putting a voice to the inner argument that goes on! I wish u all the best with your adventures in discovery 🙂
I love this. You just be you! I can find myself getting really obsessed with eating the right things and not enough and exercising more, but when I become too obsessed, I stop doing the things that make me feel happy and feel like me.
This is an awesome post and something I also struggle with every day. Thankfully I have a brainspotting therapist that is helping me find myself and make a path with my “new to me” self. So much under that weight that just drives you insane everyday and she is helping me uncover all those layers of self protection to get through one day at a time so that I can be free of those things inside that tie me down and don’t let me fly freely. It is so hard and such a process. I admire you for admitting these things freely. So cool to see. 🙂
Be well my friend. 😉
so beautiful, honest, strong and vulnerable at the same time! Thank you for sharing this!
Reblogged this on Still Keeping Afloat.
I hear you! I’m on my own journey and it’s so hard to not think of myself as Before or the “fat me” because I am me no matter what the wrapping. Thank you for your words!!
I hear you. I’m currently on my journey. I’ve lost 123 lbs so far. I started out at 422, and just hit 299 today. It’s really hard not to obsess about the number on the scale, more so than the pant size even.
I already know that I’m always going to have to count every calorie, or else I’m going to start gaining weight again. It’s going to be a constant struggle….For the rest of my life. Not many people understand that.
Thank you for sharing your story. I haven’t been following the whole time, but read the beginning and end. I plan on reading the middle too.
Reblogged this on The Pyrrhic Mother.
I absolutely loved your words! I am going through so much of what you described. I have been the before and after at least 5 times! It’s a definite struggle everyday to remain in the after. I have lost over 100 lbs 3 times and over 200 twice! I never thought of myself as not existing without the need to lose weight, but you have opened my eyes to a new reality! I often think that if I could just love the body I’m in it might stop the roller coaster. I am heading for the after again, this time only 50 to lose. I will try and incorporate some of the knowledge that you have shared. Thanks!
A crucial and beautiful message. Very thought provoking. Thank you.
I, too, have spent my life “needing to lose weight.” You are right that’s it’s not ultimately about losing, it’s about finding and acceptance. I always thought being thin would somehow make me a happier person. What I have realized is that the weight acted as my cloak of invisibility. Without it, I struggle daily for self acceptance. Your journey is inspiring and familiar.
Wow! Thank you. I have struggled with weight issues my entire life. I was so looking forward to the “after” but no longer. I am now going to focus on the “during.”
Thank you thank you thank you.
I hear you loud and clear! I am a nearly 60 yr old fat gal who doesn’t mind being fat–just not as fat as I am now. But the more people make remarks about my weight, the more I could care less. I don’t want to be another person for people who so shallow they can’t, or won’t accept me for who I am–for all of me. I realize this is detrimental to my health but I need to be able to come to a balance with who I am, instead of who others want me to be to be acceptable before I can actually lose weight and want to keep it off. Thanks for sharing your struggle, and your heart. It has helped me to redirect my focus, and that’s letting go of others opinions of me so I can do what’s best for me. May your life be completely fulfilling and full of peace!
You have articulated the true meaning of significant weightloss it’s truly NOT just the numbers on the scale much deeper than that
I found your commentary very powerful. About ten years ago i lost almost 100 pounds. I did a lot of it in an unhealthy plan that could not last a lifetime. Of course the minute i deviated from the program i gained it back…well most of it/half of it…then i tried lapband…lost 75 ish…gained back about 30 of it. This time ive decided i am eating the WW plan and trying to learn to eat in a healthy lifelong way…not to use 25 points at night on foods that hold little to no nutritional value. But more importantly i am trying to learn to want to be healthy…to “think like an athlete”. When i lost the 100 pounds i was proud, yet scared. I felt like a sham…i hadnt been perfect…i still had 100 to lose…and i started feeling exposed. I have used my weight for years as a protection from the world…as an excuse…and i have decided that before i retire i will make sure i know hiw to live healthy and happy. I will feel deserving of a healthy body. I like me…i like the woman i am, the mother i am, the teacher i am. And i dont need to lose myself and become someone else. I dont care what size i am as long as i ddont see obese beside my stats and i can walk for an hour without feeling like im going to die. Great post…great share.., i wish you well as you continue on this road to discovery!
I hear you.. I understand you… I am you! Thanks for beautifully expressingrr the feelings & anxiety that bounce around my brain everyday.
What a great blog. I hear you on your journey to finding yourself. It can be a long journey to recovering yourself and rediscovering who you are. Remember to have the time of your life as you find you…the amazing Being that you are.
Much love and many blessings on your journey.
Oceanna
I can only echo this person’s sentiments…
syren123 on April 21, 2015 at 6:44 pm said:
This is the truest, most honest, most accurate thing I have ever read on the subject. You, madame, are a rock star.
I hear you…
I know how you feel. Thank you for sharing and keeping it real. It means a lot.
Can’t remember how I landed at your blog exactly, but wanted to share that I just finished reading the book “It was me all along” by Andie Mitchell. She talks about the same thing you are going through after she reached her goal. I think it would really encourage you. All the best to you in your journey.
I hear you. You’re right. I lost 70 lbs 15 years ago and because I didn’t figure out what you’ve figured out, I put it all back on and more. It was so uncomfortable. I hated the comments well-meaning people made. Every compliment felt like a slam against who I still am. You look SO good really meant you used to look SO bad, thank goodness you finally got your act together. Guys started touching me who’d never touched me before as they made comments about my weight loss and my looks. It felt awful, awkward and uncomfortable. Kudos to you for figuring this out and saying it out loud. Nope, you’re not the only one struggling with this. Who we are has little to do with how much we weigh.
i lost a lot of weight and on returning to my hometown I had people I knew fairly well literally not recognize me. I don’t mean just for a second. I had one guy I had to explain how we had all gone on a group trip (sharing a house) and how I owned a coffeehouse right next to his wife’s boutique, where they came in for coffee 1-2 times a day… He could not remember for probably 5 minutes. People very often don’t see the person behind the fat, including ourselves. I broke my back & have gained almost all of it back and I don’t recognize myself at any incarnation right now. I think people are so visual that it’s hard to accept yourself when you don’t even recognize yourself. I remember having several moments loosing weight when Id look in the mirror and stare at the stranger looking back. I’d make faces & move my face with my hands, almost to prove to myself that it was me. It took me a while, but I started to associate with that “new me.” Im always me, but I couldn’t not change on the inside when my outsides had changed so much. I never got over how much more I was seen by strangers. It made me angry, especially the men who were all of a sudden treating me with kindness. These things are so very hard to wrap our heads around. Now, having gained so much back, the thing I miss the most is how strong my body felt!! I had SO much less pain and so much more energy! I’m headed up that big mountain again for THAT feeling! Hopefully your body has found some physical relief that you can focus on. Good for you for putting these feelings out there!
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wow well done you! I need to lose that amount at least and its a struggle. I tend to lose up to say 14 then get stuck and put it back on. Been gaining and losing the same 14 for years lol
Wishing you well with your new life
Thank you for sharing your truth. The idea that ‘thin’ isn’t the perfect end state, but just a different state, and that it doesn’t, of itself, cause happiness is an idea that our culture soundly rejects. It’s good to hear it from someone who has been there, done that, and is still searching. Your words make a difference. Thank you for sharing them.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I’ve lost 110 lbs and have been at my goal for about 7 years. It is still hard to love myself everyday. I still don’t love my body. It is still a struggle everyday, but it gets easier. Stay the course. I prefer to focus on how much healthier I am now, not that I am “better” or “improved”.
That was a beautiful post. Wowl. I appreciate the struggle. Thank you for sharing your story!
Beautifully stated. Send best wishes and warm thoughts on your continuous journey ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I hear you. Every single word you wrote resonated with me. I lost 175 pounds in 2006 and could write a book on the topic of before and after. Almost a decade later, I don’t know if it’s any less complicated. Warning: if you thought you had bad self esteem as a big girl, wait until you become thin and then gain some of the weight back. It’s a tough place to be mentally and emotionally. If that happens, remember –as you yourself said–you are still you! Godspeed on this journey. Treat yourself with continued care.
Best,
Martha
I so needed to read this. I’m two years post-VSG and hit my “after” so quickly I never really had time to process it before the reality hit. I’m up 30 pounds and feel out of control most days. It never ends. And I KNEW this, and thought armed with knowledge and confidence alone I would succeed. Except…not really. Thank you for putting it into a much-needed perspective for me.
I’m listening
Thank you so much for this…I knew something was not right and you just hit it spot on of my own journey that started 9/22/2014. While the weight has not melted off and I am only 1/2 way to my goal I have been having these same feelings mostly because my weight loss has stalled for the last 4 weeks and I work harder at it now than ever before and I start beating myself up saying I can’t even do it WLS. Even though my voice has starting to come back as the pounds have left I still find it very hard to love myself, accept myself and just feel enough. I struggle everyday!
I hear you! You have a strong voice and an amazing spirit! Enjoy your journey…it is yours and yours alone – no one can dictate the terms to you. You are powerful!
I have been realizing that all of my food, supplements, clothing I wear etc has been shaped by my constant desire to get thinner. What I’ve been learning on my journey is that I need to embrace and live each moment and become healthier to do what I enjoy doing! Not what others expect that I might do! I’ve decided to look in the mirror each am and find one thing, Anything! that I really like about me! It might be my extra curvy figure. It might be my ble eyes. Or it might be my compassionate heart, but there are many things people love about me and I need to love them too!
You are heard – and thank you so much for one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read. You are wonderfully you and you are so many others, too. Thank you for saying what so many struggle to find the words for – just thank you.
My wife tipped me to this post, knowing that you and I have a lot in common. I made the same discovery you made: that the fat guy was also me, and I had to put down my dualities of thought and love who I was as I love who I am. Here’s my story. http://hughgoesthere.blogspot.com/2014/03/new-soul.html
I also know how scary this time is. When I approached my goal weight, I was terrified. I was sure it would all fall apart as it had before. Then, when I found out just how much my metabolism had changed, and that I had to start eating *more* in order to maintain my weight, I was even more scared. I wrote about that in this post from 2013. http://hughgoesthere.blogspot.com/2013/11/not-listening-to-body-dysmorphia.html
I reached my goal weight in October of 2011, and I’m still maintaining that weight and still discovering myself. As you know, the latter turned out to be more important.
Keep doing what you’ve been doing. I’ll keep checking in. 🙂
Thank you. I struggle too and have been after and back to before and slightly later :). Thanks for the reminder that we are all “during”. Blessings on the finding yourself part.
I feel compelled to share with you a book entitled Idol Lies by Dee Brestin. You can and will learn to love yourself when you come to realize how much you are loved by your Maker and your Savior, Jesus. In this world and in our flesh – we are unlovable for a myriad of reasons. Yours is related to weight. Mine is related to a sense of control/comfort.
Keep up your good work and keep searching as to how you can love yourself – but look for the cause, not at the symptoms.
Amen, Gwen. Thank you!
A double amen from me!
I hear you! I feel so blessed that you popped on to my Facebook newsfeed this morning, I don’t know how or why but you did. I to am on a journey that I thought was about weight loss and finding “after ” but I’ve learned ithis about finding true happiness. I lost 80 pds this past year and kept it off for 6 months but then over the course of 6 months gained 20 ugh, 5 pds at a time. I looked back and realized what I did wrong so happy to have reached my goal that I didn’t have a plan for true maintenance, so happy with a new life partner, a divorce, raising my kids and running my business (I am also good at doing😃) that I fell back into the pattern of ignoring my needs and just being. I’ve just lost 10 and back in the cathy zone where I try to balance verses juggle. I’m learning everyday and today you were my teacher. Thanks a million,
Cathy
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your truth. Your truth is beautiful.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I lost 75 lbs at weight watchers, in a little over a year. I have been a yoyo dieter all my life. I began dieting in 8th grade and I am 71 yrs old now. My life has been one big diet or binge. I am at goal weight and just introduced to THM about 2 mo ago. I have been maintaining my weight loss for about.6 mo but it is a struggle. Actually I find maintenance harder than weight loss. But like you said there is no after. Love today, love the person you are and live for today. Thank you for sharing your story.
Really powerful. Thank you!
I hear you! And I’m walking this path with you.I hope someday we meet along the trail. xo
Wow! what an amazing post. It is so true. Thank you so much for putting it into words
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m in the midsts of ‘changing’ my body but I’m also trying to remind myself to love who I am now so I can love the person that will be me later. I just keep thinking ‘love the skin I’m in’.
This is truly refreshing.
Thank you for this post. it popped up in my FB feed via a friend and reminded me. I need to live in the moment more and not worry about what I WILL do WHEN I loose the weight. As you say I will still be me what ever weight I am, what ever I look like. I need to try and “just be” a bit more.
Thank you for this! It helps to realize I am not alone feeling this same way. I laugh when people pick on the “old” me (Before the weight loss)…but it saddens me that they don’t understand it hurts cause that is ME! I thought reaching this “after” me was going to be a turning point in my life….my new start…a new me! Well I’m after….and it has left me feeling the same….nothing changed…inside. I’m STILL me….I’m STILL that same exact “before” girl….inside! Ugh I wish people heard me screaming sometimes!!
i lost 200lbs since 3/2013. Between exercise and gastric bypass. Your post is so true. I established an identity as the day guy both privately and professionally (I’m an actor). Now that I’ve lost weight I struggle with finding who I am. After two failed marriages and being totally single for the last 17 years, due to the fact that I couldn’t find anyone who was the least bit interested in me, now I am at a reasonable weight. Now, I don’t know who I am as an actor. What roles can I go out for? How do those in casting see me now? I can’t fall back on “the fat guy”..and as a private citizen, I am unclear as to who I am. How do women see me? Do they see me at all? Am I still horribly disgusting and unattractive ? Am I ever going to look in the mirror and not see the the fat guy? I know that I am, at my core, a good, reasonably intelligent man. I’m not rich, or young or socially gregarious. But, I am giving, open, creative and ready willing and able to love. But, I must not be radiating what I need to bring people into my life. And I know it’s that despite losing 200+lbs I am still battling the weight. I understand your blog more that most.
Thank you so much. I keep telling myself this is not a race, because that signifies an end. Then what would I do at the end? So I let myself know this is a journey and I need to enjoy each day and live each day.
Hearing you. Thank you. This is beautiful and the kind of vulnerable I strive to be. *hugs*
Wow oh Wow – so thankful this popped up on my Face Book page today and that I heard you! – feeling like I’ve been doing “ok” on my weight loss journey and also how GREAT I will be (and feel) when I lose the weight. Then completely forgetting that I need to be and live in the moment – I am GREAT now and deserve to be loved NOW (by me!!) Thank you so much for your honesty in expressing what so many of us fear to say – I love your “there is no happily ever AFTER”!! God bless you. ((HUGS))
I can hear you! Thank-you so much for such an honest post! I also just discovered you and I plan to visit often!
Thank you for sharing the truth of No After. I’ve never read your blog before but it showed up in my Facebook feed, and was a perfect start for today. May God help us all to see ourselves as He sees us, enjoy the gift of the present, and learn to travel on life’s journey.
The pot of gold is not your looks. It is that you are healthier, you will live longer and you can do things that you never could do before. Looking good is pleasant side effect.
I thought is sad that she couldn’t celebrate the healthy her.
She’s lived her life from there’s a place to get to, and now that she’d there she’s feeling lost. It doesn’t sound as if it’s complete for her. And, of course, there’s nowhere to get to. If she got that, she’d relax about it. It would all be something in the past. It’s a great achievement. We get confused about results – good people get good results, bad people don’t get results. When who gets results are anxious, fearful human beings. Of course she’s right that who she is, who she’s being, is what’s important. I’d love her to acknowledge her greatness. She took on health and wellbeing and was responsible for it.
I hear you, and I remember that. It was awful. And hard. And if it helps, this is what I found that did help: doing things…..any things, and seeing what I could DO. I needed that shift in focus. So that I wasn’t what people saw, I was what I did, who I became through living. Does that make sense? But mostly, I do hear you.
I hear you. 🙂 in so many ways it’s scary! Keep going, girl 🙂
I hear you and I thank you. Everyone needs to hear this message. Love yourself and everything else will follow.
This is the truth. I have lost 50 pounds but it took me almost 4-5 years. While losing the weight I have had a support group which helped me deal with the real issues, food is but a symptom.
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Wow. This resonates so well. People, even strangers, treat you so differently after a large weight loss and you wonder why? I was the same person when I was heavy and was overlooked, almost invisible. Now that I am “normal” looking it is like I was accepted into this secret club that I had missed out on for so long. Ultimately it was depressing to realize how much depends on looks and how little depends on who you really are. Stay strong. You are worth it.
Thank you so much for your insight. I have never gotten to goal, always working on it and I think you hit the nail on the head with the “there is no after” As much as I enjoyed your post, I have also enjoyed all the replies to it. I think you have touched more people than you ever thought possible. I am going to keep this going by sharing with some friends who are fighting the same fight. I think I will print it to reread as I continue my journey.
I’m on a journey, and like you, I don’t like the word “after” when I show my progress pictures. Mine is “before” and “current”, because it’s all about the now. Like you said, there is no final “after”. There can be an after —- pounds lost, but we all have a goal and the “after” is probably the hardest part: maintaining and being ok with the current you. Loved your post. It mirrors so much of how I feel in my journey.
Wow…as I lose weight and enjoy living life a healthier way, I am learning similar things. I enjoyed hearing you and knowing I am not alone in the frustration of”wow, you look great!”… Or “wow, you look beautiful.” WE ARE BEAUTIFUL as we are, and it doesn’t take losing weight to be that. But the journey to healthier and more energetic has made me different and I’ve discovered deeper beauty in the getting stronger physically and emotionally. You said it all. Thank you. I am me. Before, and during…And after is when I’m gone, not when I get to my goal weight. Well said…Well taught…Well living!
Well put, and blessings to you on your beautiful journey! What you wrote about being present and not fixating on the after is so keen, so insightful; knowledge reaped from the wisdom of experience! Keep on sharing, this is inspiring and imperative information for people embarking on a lifestyle change. May prosperity and joy be an integral part of your day, every moment, and may you continue to let that loving light shine and prosper ❤ Congratulations, and way to take control of your life! Before, during, and every step, may your light continue to SHINE! 😀
this is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. I really believe that self-loathing and worthlessness are epidemic in this country. So many people walking around hating on themselves. Yet, there are so many simple was for you to rewire your beliefs about yourself. A great place to start is Louise Hay’s: You Can Heal Your Life. Hypnosis is also a wonderful tool to release outmoded beliefs and create a new pattern of being. Best of luck on your journey!
Wow! Girl, you have guts and grit. You do “LOOK” great and you are a true testimonial to the fact that changing your appearance doesn”t change your heart.
Seek out and find YOU! May I suggest you get the Lord on your side, if he isn’t there already. He Will guide you to the person that is inside your heart. A courageous young lady such as yourself should not only look as great as you. They deserve to feel as good on the inside and out. What a story. Prayers will be lifted up in your honor. You inspire me! Please keep me posted on your progress?
I hear you. Life is the every day. I know now I will never be happy with what I look like but I love what my body can do. That has become enough and I have started to appreciate what I look like because of that. I hope you can get there too.
I hear you because this is my truth!
I honour you and all that makes you, YOU! I am learning to do this for me too. My my what a journey that in itself is.
To your journey xxxx
Powerful and inspiring. Coincides with my Facebook post today about how people are fat and gorgeous. Or skinny and gorgeous. It doesn’t need to be either/or. Hope you find your gorgeous. Nobody can do it for you!
I hear ya sister!
I love that you were willing to put your vulnerability out there. It will help so many people. I pray that as your journey continues that you can find a way to love you – just as you are. I don’t know you, but I know that you are worthy of love, and worth treating well.
This is so well written. I was plus size my whole life, topping the scales at over 300 pounds at one point. I lost and gained, lost and gained. My average weight for the last 15 years was around 250 pounds. Without intention, I started losing by getting more active, then I got focused and lost 95 pounds in 15 months by changing how I ate and how much I exercised. People I’ve known for years don’t recognize me. It’s weird. It’s hard that what they see doesn’t match the image I have in my head – the girl who weighed so much more. Like you said, it’s a daily struggle. Something that my 43 years of life won’t change in just a year and a half. Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time. You are so not alone. ((Hugs))
Thanks for this. I hadn’t considered weight loss in quite this way until I read your post. Whatever your struggles with food might be, you are wonderfully eloquent and insightful . . . as I suspect you have always been. Perhaps you can love that. The rest of use surely do.
Thank you for the wonderful truth and the hope. I lost 100+ pounds more than 20 years ago and have, by the grace of God, kept it off. I too discovered the larger me and the smaller me was still me. I have kept it off by finding myself and why using food as a coping mechanism (that may have worked in the past) was now just a destructive habit. It has been an incredible journey full of joy, fear, laughter, tears, good and less good. I have learned that living my life by embracing myself and all that life is makes the journey awesome every day regardless of what is swirling around me. Life is full of love, light and laughter I just need to choose what to focus on. Choice is powerful and attitude is everything. Life is good, one day at a time, one moment at a time.
WoW. Some days I learn very little. Today, I learned a lot. Thank you.
What a great story, you are an inspiration in the truths you tell. Hopefully you can focus on the health benefits I’m sure you have gained, if not for now, then for the future when you, aahhemmmm, get older!! The ‘you’ will continue to evolve as you grow and live each day. I used to want to lose weight to lose weight and ‘get there’. Now I focus on being strong, healthy and fit. I love the way that makes me feel.
thanks for writing this – this is such an important message (one that most people don’t see).
where ever we go, there we are. thank you for the reminder
I think this is a wonderful piece with a lot of good things to contemplate in it, but I have to take issue with the central tenet. There IS an After. Ideally, you should integrate the After persona with the During persona so that when you reach The End in terms of weight loss, you are not so lost. I am in therapy. I was before I began my weight loss and I am now that I am midway through the journey (70 pounds to date). I have a long way to go, but I am not losing weight with the belief that once I get to whatever number is The End, I will be Okay. I need to be Okay with who I am now as well as who I was and who I will be. We are ALL OF US ONE PERSON, but we need to be integrated. Only once we understand who we were Fat and who we are Thinner and who we will be Thin will there be an After. There can be an After. You just have to plan to get there as a whole person.
I hear you. You are articulate, honest, and willing to be vulnerable. You can find peace.
I am a compulsive eater living in recovery, one day at a time. There are a lot of tips for living in recovery on my blog at http://www.lds12steps.com. The 12 steps helped me understand the underlying issues, accept them, and move on. The 12 steps taught me how to apply the atonement in my life, and learn to live myself like the Lord does, and not trade my food addiction for a different one.
Keep writing. You are telling the truth and by so doing you can bless the lives of others, and yourself.
Absolutely hear you. Lifetime of struggling with weight issues left me realizing that I, too, was fooled into thinking the ‘after’ meant ‘ a perfect life”. In fact, in all of the before year’s, I truly believed that everything in life would suddenly become perfect if only I was thin. Really believed that people without weight struggles had nothing in their lives to deal with… How could they? They were skinny, after all, and I’d always blamed everything wrong in my own life on my weight problems!
Of course hubby cheated! Who can ever really love a fat person, right? Didn’t get that new job because they thought you were too heavy! Not included in stuff cuz friends figure you’re unable to keep up and fit in properly… The list goes on and on.
LOTS of self help books and a deep interspective realization of all my positive aspects have finally helped in the overcoming of far too many years of believing in all those negatives I drowned myself in.
Very powerful and so encouraging for those of us who fail to look within! Thank you and Congrats on being YOU and continuing the ever lasting battle of someone finding him/herself.
I want to first thank you for sharing such a naked version of yourself. I can not say I understand or that I know what you are going through as we are different people and different struggles. I can’t imagine the difficulty of sharing this about yourself. Love yourself is such a difficult struggle and I wish you the best on your journey. 🙂
Thank you for posting this. I haven’t known how to express those words myself. I lost 80 pounds five years ago, and for three years I struggled to be happy and trying to find myself. I have now gained 65 back because of this. I thought I was alone and still think I am at times. Now that I am trying to loose it again and this time I am working on myself at the same time. I am not happy I gained the weight but I am happy that I am learning about myself
Your words hit home HARD! Last year I lost over 100lbs training for Ironman which I completed successfully as one of the heaviest on the course. In the last 8 months I’ve put more than 100 back on. There was no answer, no finite amount of work that would lead me to peace. All I found was deep rooted self hatred. I’m trying to find the energy to recommit and I haven’t yet. It’s so very hard. Thanks for your words and good luck to you today.
What a true, moving, and wonderfully written piece. I have not had struggles with weight, but I, too, have lived my life focused on “After:” “after my big trip, things will be better,” “after I’m not single, things will be better,” “after I get a new job, things will be better,” “after this breakup, things will be better.” But in the end it isn’t about changing your external climate as much as it is about changing your internal climate. I took a fantastic trip around the world while hating myself. I achieved a lot of professional goals while hating myself. I am right there with you, trying to learn to love myself, in the now, one day at a time! Thanks so much for writing!
Wow! What a powerful message. Its wonderful to hear you say that it isn’t about being skinny, being a size 2 (or 10! or whatever!), its about you. Loving who you are. Being healthy and taking care of your body is one way to do just that, love yourself. Your on the path and I wish you the absolute best in learning to define yourself as YOU and not a weight. ❤
THANK YOU for posting this. It has given me some much-needed perspective and motivation.
This is a good read for anyone who is trying to change their lifestyle and take charge of their health. Having read it thrice now, I feel like throwing my $0.02 in (when do I not?)…
Regardless of her chosen preposition, I have to disagree with the writer on the “I don’t look better, I look different” part of her story. She DOES look better. There is no denying that. I don’t mean that as some superficial esthetic, I mean she looks happier, healthier, more vibrant, and like she’ll live past 40.
Better.
As for me, I am at “During”, in many more respects than just my weight. I’ve lost the first 35 of many pounds (I don’t have a goal weight because as she hinted, that is sabotage), my gut no longer hides my belt buckle or rolls over the top of my desk. I’ve got my BP under control, triglycerides are down to at least below “OMFG” levels. I guess if I have a “goal”, it’s to maintain that *without* BP and cholesterol meds. I’ve also made and stuck to the decision to be much more patient and slower to anger and, (bum-ba-ba-bummm!) as of this week, I have quit smoking. There are still other aspects, which I will not discuss here, in which I am decidedly still at “before”, but those are the things I consider to be “next”.
That’s a lot of “during”, the constant self-evaluation and concomitant loathing have not ebbed for me, nor do I expect them to. I suppose I will use them as a constant reminder of “before”.
She’s right: There is no after. If you look at lifestyle changes through the lens of some sort of distant goalpost, or finish line, or , you will fail. As I’ve experienced first-hand, you can think you’re at “after” and then wake up one morning in shock at the realization that you’ve arrived at a “before” that was even worse than the first one.
You can never be done with it. You can never let the compliments of others lull you into thinking you’re at “after”. If there is a trophy to be had, it’s your health and wellness.
Thanks , I needed this. 🙂 Just know your not alone. God Bless!
I get it Completely
I was never obese or really over weight but I wasn’t happy with myself. Out of shape and a little more time than I wanted. I started watching what I eat and portion sizes and I starting working out. Gradually I got better and better at it. Stronger and longer workouts. I love working out and being fit! But I don’t like feeling trapped by it also. I have my schedule and I stick to it religiously. Neurotically? I love being fit and healthy- but how healthy am I really? How emotionally healthy am I.
Am I really carving my own path?
Stay strong – time to feed and workout ur inner self now
I hear you.
I am a nurse in a treatment center for men and women (some as young as 12, as old as 65) with eating disorders….they will be exposed to you, in hopes that they, too, will hear you. Please know that you are not alone in your “during”. I have not struggled with my before and after-in relation to a number on a scale, but in other ways that make my “during” just as palpable, painful, and real. As women- as members of the human being society, we are often held to standards that we adopt as our own… often times they have nothing to do with us at all. I hope that your words reach others the way in which they have reached me today. They have reached me. I have heard them. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing – I’m currently at a weight loss of 105lbs from my heaviest weight, physically I feel better than I ever have. I have struggled with accepting compliments from people though. My husband is from Ghana, so we have a sitter who is from Ghana. They are a very blunt type of people – she often says “you were so FAT, now, you are perfect!” I’m in process of learning to separate my identity as a person from my weight. My weight has nothing to do with who I am, who I’ve been, nor who I will be in the future. “Perfection” is not a way I would ever describe myself, physically or otherwise. I still have weight loss goals to reach, but it is not a reflection on who I am. I am not a static being – just as my weight has changed I as a person have changed over the years as well, but I am still ME ME ME!
A very true thing. I guess it’s the same with any life change: six years after divorce, I’m not some sort of re-configured “After” figure. I’ll never be done being after-the-divorce. Everything is after-the-divorce. I’m just me now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Sometimes I can’t even appreciate that there’s been any change unless I look back. But I don’t feel like the me that survived the bloody aftermath of that event was a different person than this me. Not at all. So yeah… thanks. Very well put.
So much, this. I teared up. Thank you. Ive lost almost 100 lbs. I’m the same person. And I’m fine, no I’m not trying to lose any more weight, nor do I feel like I need to answer to you about my body. This post is so spot on.
I needed this. I’ve needed this for a long time. I miss the big me. I miss my 80lbs I’ve lost. I recently gained back 20lbs after 3 years because, frankly, I wanted to. I’ve become my weight loss to a lot of people and that’s not what I am. Gaining 20lbs and suddenly I was hearing, “you used to be in such good shape.” And my thought was “NO, I was never in good shape, I was sad.” At the height of my weight loss I went through the worst breakup ever. Gut wrenching, life changing, heart demolishing , two-years-later-and- im-just-seeing-the-light type horrible. So thank you. Thank you for putting words to what I’ve been feeling for so long. Thank you. People around me just don’t know. I am so grateful you do. I am me and I beed to be healthy because I love myself and if weight loss is part of that, then yes, you will see my journey towards self live on the outside but the change is deeper. That’s hard to aknowledge in this world for people
Thank you for honestly sharing your truth. It takes a lot longer for the brain to catch up to the new body. You are still you!
I love when you talk about how when people look at the old you they look at the old you in disgust and then you say, “Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be?” We all deserve to be and feel and experience and our society too often forgets that! I cried when I read that part because I am so hard on myself as a 200 lb woman at 5′ 4”. But I deserve to be–even as I am. Right now. Years of therapy and you just taught me my new mantra and self affirmation for when I feel down. Thank you so much!
Amen!!
I always have mixed feelings when I lose weight, because I am literally disappearing. There is less of me than there was before. Why should I be happy about that? I find that what helps me is to focus as much as I can on what I can do now that I couldn’t do before. I have two goals right now. My immediate goal is to run a 5k in two weeks. That keeps me out running every other day, and doing muscle building a bit on most of my off days. But my real goal is to hike with my daughter this summer in Vermont. Last year, I couldn’t keep up with her up all those mountains. I’m sure I still won’t be able to keep up with her (she’s 11 and fast, I’ll be 41 and never have been) but if I feel strong and capable while climbing those mountains, I’ll have a better time (an even better time) than I did last year.
So as I age, I try to focus on having a strong body that can do the things I want it to do. Of course I can’t help but thinking about how I look, too. But the point is to live life and enjoy it. Because that’s what life is, and I don’t want to miss opportunities for fun because I’m not strong enough, or healthy enough, and damned sure not because I’m ashamed of what I look like.
Keep up the struggle. As my mother and her friends say: Onward!
Wow. Your post made me cry. I struggle everyday with my weight and truthfully it’s not food that is the issue. It’s other health stuff. But, the point is that loving myself is hard. And you are right, screw the after. Live in the now. You are all kinds of awesome. You existed before and you exist now. Inside is where we live. The rest is just the vessel that carries us.
Your struggle to self discovery touched me deeply, you have an inner strength and a beautiful soul and the vessel is the least important of these!
It’s like being an alcoholic – you are always an alcoholic but in recovery. I’m a foodaholic and I’m just starting my road to recovery and recovering who I am and who I was. Trying to love yourself TODAY is the hardest part and will always be. Keep blogging.
Excellent! You spoke the truth that no one hears (or sees). Thank you.
This is the truth. I have been so scared to even try to lose weight because I am afraid that I still won’t be happy. Thank you.
I lost 100 lbs and I cannot relate more to this. You lose yourself along the way and almost try to create another identity for yourself afterwards, ignoring the fact that you were the same person you are now. Amazingly written!
what an amazing story. I have been there so many times and in fact this week truly felt like giving up and just accepting fat as my life story. Your blog has inspired me to go and weigh in even if I think the person at the scale looks at me funny. (How many times can I lose and gain over three months never actually reducing the number). Thank you. I can do this!
I have been at this weight loss and fitness journey for more than 4 years starting at age 69. I do not struggle (much) with weight loss. Mostly I enjoy the journey. But I thank you deeply for expressing so wonderfully something that has eluded me. We are all afraid at some level of going back to “before”. You have enriched my life sharing that there is only “before” and “now”
what a beautiful post. you write beautifully. thank you for sharing so intimately. bless you in your new discoveries and may you continue to struggle less and less not only with who you are and who you have become, but who you have been. All of these identities help us in our lives…and of course struggles with weight aren’t the only hurdles that we must face as we continue to become who we will ultimately be. We are of course, as you stated well, all of those people. Congratulations on recognizing that so early in your life. Peace.
I love this!! I’ve lost 50 lbs in the last year, and hope to lose 50 more this next year. But I’m still the girl that started at 260! I will always be her and I liked her just like I like me now!! 🙂
I hear you. And you made me cry and nod my head. I’m glad you have realized that both women are freaking incredible, and I hope you are able to find who you are aside from weight.
What an honest story — thanks for sharing. I’ve lost over a third of my body weight in the last year and I can relate to what you’re saying. I’m still the same person although I am a lot happier in my healthier body. My brain and eyes seem disconnected because I struggle to see the me that people say they see… thin, sexy, pretty… I don’t see it.
Hang in there and keep learning about yourself and what you like and love and are passionate about. And stay strong and healthy. Learn to love yourself and see yourself as the valuable being you are.
Amazing! Thank you for being so open and honest! Your post hit me in a place I can’t even describe or understand. Just thank you.
I genuinely enjoyed every bit of this, and empathize with you. You are beautiful mind and body.
I’ve lost 97 lbs and struggle with all of the issues you talk about. It annoys me people comment on my weight. Even the compliments which I loved still made me feel like my value was a size. I’m still me big or small. I struggle now on the other end, instead of overeating I’m so afraid to gain weight I under eat. I’m looking for balance and my worth not connected to my size
There is some beautiful wisdom here. Thank for the encouragement.
OH my gosh, I love you. *print*
Great article. Good luck on the rest of your journey! You understand the problem and that’s half the battle. Stay strong, you’ll be fine.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it is really important for people to hear. I’m down about 195 pounds from my heaviest weight and I can relate to a lot of this things you describe. http://www.modspinster.com/blog/weight-loss-my-personal-journey
You are inspiring!
I hear you! One day at a time. I’m 8 yrs out, still holding strong. I’ve won a battle (losing the weight) but the war with the issues that created my MO still continues…
This. Thank you for being honest. You and I don’t know each other-I realize this, but you just took the thoughts out of my head and put them to paper. We’re on similar journeys. I currently have lost over 150 pounds and have about 50 to go to get at a goal of 200 pounds. And while hitting a goal of 250 was great, it’s also been depressing. My trainers, friends, family, and even strangers are confused why I find it so difficult at times to find motivation that at times I lose. I know the reason why-in the grand scheme, the weight loss is easy. It’s the emotional and mental part that’s hard. It’s the struggle with food. It’s the fear of losing myself. It’s having to decide if today I will love myself or hate myself, both the present me and the 400 pound me, as well as all of me in between. It’s having to heal my habit of covering up my lack of self worth with fat and unhealthy or dangerous choices. I have struggled with why no one understands me. Thank you for helping me see that I’m not the only one who realizes there is no “after” to this journey, and that it’s not really about the weight loss.
This is a very powerful and beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing this!
You are beautiful, and strong, and if losing weight is a goal then you have accomplished it. But the before is beautiful too. You chose to change. I understand because Iost 80lbs and everyone told me I looked great but I felt like I looked great before I lost the weight- the weight loss was to help diabetes no other reason… Now I am working out for ME because I want to change, not because I want to lose weight (though that is a goal) but because I want to be able to move more and do more. Congrats on your realization, and know that you can do what you set out to do!
When I close my eyes and say “I AM” I am reminded that I am all of me that I have ever been and all of me that I will ever be and I AM the same as all that are closing their eyes and saying “I AM” and all that have not thought to do so. I AM all that there is in the universe and all that there is is the great “I AM”… I AM not *this* body – but I am grateful for the experiences it affords me. I am not the pain and I am not the the pleasure, but they are parts of the experience and the potential of this experience is limitless. Namaste
Beautifully said! ❤
Wonderful post. And so true. I can honestly say that I am happier person now than I was when I was very thin. Back then I thought that if I could just reach that mythical goal weight, I would be happy. Like those 6 pounds were the reason for my whole lack of love for myself. For reasons that have nothing to do with a number on the scale. Losing weight doesn’t make you a happy person and gaining weight doesn’t make you a sad person. Your weight is a just a a part of you like being blonde or left handed- it is not who you are. Learning to be happy with who you are rather than what you weigh is one of the most important lessons I have learned in life.
Words of true wisdom. Thank you🌻
Awesome and so very true!
Please go check out the book “Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything”. Her book is exactly what you are dealing with right now. REally what we ALL are dealing with in our lives. I can’t believe how much I’ve learned by reading it! It’s spot on! And so is what you are saying:) Best wishes!
Loved your post. I just finished reading, “it was me all along” by Addie Mitchell. Very similar story. You can also find her on Facebook on the page, “can you stay for dinner?” You should check her out!
My weight watcher leader sent me your article. It is so very powerful. I have lost 160 lbs and am going through what you have described. I would love to email you. My leader thought you might be good to talk to. Yours words really spoke to me. I used to think the after would be just wonderful when in fact it is just the beginning with more ups and downs. My email is christina6871@att.net
I hear ya loud and clear. Xxxxx
I lost weight without facing my self image and food issues. Sure enough, once I landed a demanding job that triggered all my anxiety and depression problems, I gained 93 pounds in about 11 months.
Now, I lose slower but I am facing these issues. I struggle exactly the same way you do each day. I hear you and you are not alone.
A friend sent me the link to this post today. I am 350 lbs plus and AGAIn trying to figure out how to begin a journey to finding me in the weight. I have failed so many times. I am so happy you found a way to get thinner and healthier and that you are learning so much about you and after. Alot to think on in this post.
I hear you! 🙂 What a powerful post. Thank you.
I totally understand where you’re coming from. Losing 115# since 10/2006, I still have a hard time excepting compliments( because I never received them before). I’m learning though. I am also an addict in recovery, I replaced food for drugs and found myself to still be in this miserable place in my life. Now that I am in recovery and follow a 12 step program it is teaching me how to love myself. I enjoyed your blog very much. Keep it up👍
Reblogged this on Adventures of a Wocket.
Excellent post.
Thank for being so brutally honest. So man times people thrive during the process of losing weight and then fail at living a real life.
Thank you for this. I hear you.
I had a really similar experience several years ago when I started losing weight. I thought I would be happy but I actually felt very scared, and even depressed. I wrote about the experience on my blog: “I realized that the feeling that there was something wrong with me, that I had a fatal flaw that would keep me from ever being loved, from ever being truly happy, went much deeper than my feelings about my weight. The weight was actually a protection for that deeper fear, and when it started coming off I was terrified that I would see — and others would see — the thing that was actually wrong with me. I don’t know what I thought it was. But I was terrified of it.” http://tenthousandplaces.org/2014/04/15/accept-let-go-my-messy-beautiful/
Thank you so much for posting this. It is exactly what I needed to read today. I don’t know why I struggle with negative self-imagine, but I do…and so do many others (regardless of the number on the scale). Your story will stay with me, especially on the difficult days. Thank you.❤️
“Self-image”…thank you auto-correct!
Reblogged this on In The Bears Den and commented:
So very passionate, so very accurate. A great read!
I never weighed over 135 (I’m over 5’7″) until my mid-30s, when I gained 50 lbs over a couple of years, apparently in a depression and a troubled marriage. I took it all off a few years later–only to add it all again 10 years later when my marriage ended and an injury put me on disability for nearly a year. I took it off again as I recovered from my losses and gained a newer, happier outlook on life. Now, over the last year or so, another disability and other losses in my life, I’ve put on quite a bit of it again. As a lifetime member of Weight Watchers, I know all the nutritional info, all the strategies for dealing with food and life, all the ways to identify when it’s going south. I identify only with photos of me as a thinner woman because that’s how I’ve been the majority of my years, but I, too, even after all that, still struggle with *me* and managing my needs and fears. So, yes, losing weight doesn’t fix that. I wish you luck.
But also, congratulations on your weight-loss journey. It takes a strong person to manage that. You clearly have many internal resources that I hope you can credit yourself with. I’ve read only this post of your blog, so best wishes.
Beautiful and important perspective, and thank you for your honesty. I’m an instructor at a holistic nutrition program, and will be sharing this post with my students.
Thank you. I’m 52 years old and have lost 48 to 52 lbs depending on the day, like you. I still battle the mirror every morning becoming aware of how I would tear myself down…every single morning. Now I look myself in the eye and say “I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU!” Smile & wink and go on with the day. Some days I believe it, some days I don’t. But it’s my way of convincing myself that I am enough, right here, right now. I am enough.
Ditto. 50 years old. 50ish pounds down. Get tired of “you’ve lost so much weight” etc. I’m still the same me. Seems weird to look at the “before” and now the “after.” I still feel overweight, even though people are telling me to stop losing (I do still have 15-20 to lose technically). Weird. Wonder when I’ll ever be satisfied with who I am right here, right now.
Absolutely know how you feel! At 47 years old and 50+ down, the struggle to maintain my weight and stay positive with all the comments gets old real fast. I still struggle with the food cravings and have given in only to find myself in the same bad habits that got me to where I was in the first place. I don’t think I will every NOT be watching what I eat.
Powerful. Thank you. The after is lonely for me. I don’t even want to totally go there. At 65 I wonder if I will go to my grave feeling that way. Your essay has given me much to dig into here. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing this. Your thoughts speak to me in ways I can’t explain.
Wow so well written. From your heart from your gut. I understand the emotions the fear we are still who we are just a bit different. Yes, for I feel the weight is a protection to the outside world. And we have to as you said ” peel it layer by layer” Thank you for sharing and being so completely honest.
wow.. Just wow.. Thank you
i love when you wrote ‘it’s not about losing weight but gaining life’
i totally identify…i too lost over 100 lbs…but didn’t have the courage and perspective to stay there…and i am up again…and trying again to loose…but not having any luck..thank you for your words.
Your blog hit me like a ton of bricks! I could have written it word for word! It makes me want to tell my story because very few people know it and no one understands it! Thank you!!!!
Please do tell your story!
I hear you, girl! In a PC world where it’s still universally cool to dis the fat girl, where we are increasingly inundated with images of skinny as the norm and to disdain bodies that do not conform to the current air brushed norm, it’s no wonder we have such difficulties embracing and loving the flesh that houses our spirit, whatever size or shape it is. Thanks for sharing your journey thus far, and kudos for recognizing that the “during” is our continuing challenge as humans!
YES!! I can so relate. After losing 130 pounds and being over 20 pounds lighter than I have ever been in my adult life, I too am trying to figure out who I am without the weight loss “struggle” (and realizing the struggle never ends). I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. Sometimes I’m proud of how I look, sometimes in terrified- mostly the latter, though because I’m so deathly afraid of regain. I have a long history of being able to lose weight but have always gained it back plus. I’m determined not to do that this time, but I know it will only happen if I can learn to be ok with me. I’m not there yet, but for today I can be kind to myself and nurturing towards myself. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Love it and you are right!
my story is so different but yours still resonates deeply with me. I’m 5’6, 120 lbs and struggle keeping weight on and staying healthy. I inherited a combination of rare disorders which makes it really hard to even maintain my current weight. Working out is fatiguing and constant pain is my norm. I constantly receive comments about my weight and body – everything from “you are too skinny, you need to eat more” and “You should work out more” to “you look so great, how do you do it?”. It doesn’t match how I feel. I eat even when I’m full to try to gain weight, I lose muscle instead of gain it if I workout, I feel like a stranger in my body and the comments all make me feel even further disconnected. Being skinny means I’m not part of the club of “real women” with “real bodies”. Being this weight makes me self-conscious – that women see me and don’t like me. I wear baggy clothes most of the time because I feel this hate from other women. My body is real too. None of us chose our bodies. All our bodies are ok.
its a journey. That is all.
Thank you ~ God bless Your journey ❤
No it’s a commitment to your body and sole! I to have made a journey as of 100 lbs. and have maintained since 2013, you always look for other ways to either improve some type of look or just lose another 2 lbs. to prove to yourself you can!!! I bottomed out and was told to gain at least 15 lbs. back. So you and your sole have to compromise and stay balanced ~ That Will give her because your heart never changes its the people around you who do? good or bad you need to enjoy yourself and life as it comes 🙂
Although you may be referring to fish, or shoes, when you say “it’s a commitment to body and sole”, I don’t think you are. I think the word you were looking for is “soul”. Also where you say “I to”, the correct version would be ‘I too’.
I can hear you. Loud and clear. And it brings me to tears. I’m here, right with you, in the middle of ‘the during’.
Wow, hits home — though I’m not actively trying to lose weight – several years ago I lost nearly 60 pounds because I couldn’t swallow well. People congratulated me constantly at my weight loss and commented on how “healthy” I looked. I was miserable, I was starving most nights lying awake in bed — and I was worried that something was terribly UN-healthy about me. I thought it interesting that my physical body became so “owned” by all who viewed it — but that is where the connection with most people ended — I felt very alone, afraid, sick and terribly frustrated every time someone commented on how “great” I looked. I have gained most of the weight back, I can eat again — I eat too much (maybe because of 3 years of not being able to eat much), but nobody tells me how “great” I look anymore. Weird stuff.
I’m reading this. Its so true. All of it, at least for me. Thank you for your blogs. But at 60 years of age and being the chubby girl since 9-10, I’m afraid i will never get to know why or how to do what youve done daily. Its so ingrained in who i am. Kc
Wow..I absolutely loved this post of your blog. I just stumbled across it on facebook.
I began my weight lost journey a couple of years ago as well. I lost 40 ponds and just stopped for awhile. Then I kinda floated on and off. I was at my heaviest 290. I am now 240. But this is the first time I have ever lost weight for myself…for me. I always did it for a dress..occasion or a man. I committed this year to myself…no boyfriends..just me. I am doing ok…but strangle the first couple of months truly broke me…I didn’t like being alone and it scared me that I didn’t know what to do with just me..lol. but after depression a 20 pound weight gain again…I am starting to feel happier..therefore wanting to loose the weight for me…to change my life. I still struggle and have lost most my recent weight gain. Getting to know me…loving me…seriously the hardest thing I have ever did…and is still. I love how you pointed this out in your post.
“No matter where you go, there you are.” You are still the same person just in a different package. Getting healthy physically is only half the work. Your emotional well-being is just as important. Doing THAT work is often much more difficult. It takes courage.
Wow! Thank you for having the courage to share that with us! I sit here and have 100lbs to loose and have been able to understand why it scares the shit out of me, now I have a clearer picture. I am scared of having to find the me that lies beneath, the me that can no longer hide behind the weight!! Thanks again for your honesty!!
And I hear you!! Keep searching and digging your heals in every single day!!
You were beautiful before, you are beautiful now and you will always be beautiful. Learn to love yourself inside and out. It takes a strong, courageous, brave and powerful woman to accomplish all that you have. Your future is bright with or without the weight. See that in yourself and take it one day at a time. Everyday is a blessing.
Bless you for sharing, I wish you the best each and every day, you deserve it.
I spent my life in larger skin. In the last 5 years, I have gone from larger 320 to skin and bones 115 and I was never happy with myself and always finding a flaw. Now trying to get back to contentment which is some where inbetween. I totally understand where you are coming from, a sad fact but true. Thanks for sharing.
Someone earlier on in the comments made the very important point that, too often, we can use our weight issues as a way to avoid looking at deeper problems. I know this rang true for me; maybe it will hit home for you as well. It applies to all ends of the spectrum. It’s just a lot easier to focus on weight than to look at other things in the boxes from our lives. Because at least, with weight, we can do something about it.
Beautiful well said…..I know exactly what you’re saying
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I have never thought about my weight loss journey like this before. It makes perfect sense and I’m so glad I came across your blog posted on in a weight loss Facebook group!
I hear you. And I love love love this post. You articulate what I feel myself. Thank you!
Wow! Just wow! What a powerful message…and yes, people are listening. Blessings while you continue on your journey.
I lost over 80 lbs on Nutri System 30 years ago or so and got a ton of recognition, attention, and became the “it” guy in my social group..(church)… That only pissed me off. I was still the same person! Why didn’t they “like” me before?? I couldn’t handle what it said about us as a society.. I was too idealistic to accept that people are this way. Now, (I gained it all back quickly), I am focused solely on my own healthy reasons for being fit and healthy. I choose to forgive the world around me, and have grace for the mis-steps that become evident as I once more become the shape that they are more supportive of and comfortable with. This shallowness is so woven into our fabric, and I am as guilty of it as any I know… That’s what I didn’t want to face.. I choose to forgive myself, move into the present of simple, good choices made for simple, good reasons, to be the person that thrives on being present and available to those I care about, without hang-ups or physical restrictions due to poor health.
Yes , I hear you. I hear that inner cry for the Maker: the only one that can fill that empty heart. You are spirit. Our spirits long for a spirit relationship. Listen to that still, small voice of the Maker calling you. Then, as a child aims to please the parent, aim to please your Maker. There is joy in doing that. Just ask me ! Make Him your first love and not self. It works. It really does.
You can’t judge a book by it’s cover. The cover has change but the story remains, a few paragraphs are written every day. The cover only hides the struggle, but your honesty, your love and your courage are the tools that will win that struggle, why? Because you’re fucking strong.
Thank you, I’ve shared your text with all my friends who struggle with weight. Bless you.
I just want to send hugs. One day at a time is really the only way. I wish happiness and contentment for you 🙂 🙂 🙂
This is beautiful, wonderful thoughts and a great story.
I have dieted my whole life. At 17, I lost 90 pounds but always saw a fat me when I looked in the mirror. I have been up and down over the years. I gained a lot of weight when I had my children and I finally learned to love the fat me. A year and a half ago my knees really bothered me so I decided to lose some weight and after 20 years, finally lost my baby weight. I look at pictures now from 25 years ago and I looked really good but I never believed that at the time. Thank you for your article – I can definitely relate!
I cant tell you what impact this post had on me or the person who posted this, what timing. I’m YOU, today, right now I’m the 5’6 118 pounder. I’ve been a size 2 all the way to tight 14. I’ve been up and down the Rollercoaster ride and have already started some sabotaging behavior the last 2 weeks. Then today I read this and I know I need to deal with this. My question at the end of every diet goal has been WHAT NOW..didnt know that, but this is what led to self sabotage and the cycle happening again. Not this time. Thank you so very much. I don’t know if you’ll ever feel how you touched me today and the difference you’ve made.
Thank you for your writing! It is inspiring and gives me a lot of hope.
You have expressed the AFTER dilemma perfectly. After does not exist. Process is the before, during, and always. There is no end point. And those tricky numbers are just that. Health and happiness and wellness and self-confidence are a constant process. Thank you for posting your journey and the process. Sharing!
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, at first I was scared to read it, yes a 45yo woman was scared to read a blog post…. why you might ask…. because I have been going through the same exact thing. I’ve lost over 50lbs in the past year and though I may physically feel better, mentally & emotionally I have no idea how to deal with it. I’m still the same person just in a smaller body. I’m scared. I don’t recognize the person starring back at me. Thank you so much for sharing this, it is exactly what I needed to read today.
Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t struggled with my weight a whole lot in my life but I so totally hear you about loving yourself no matter what you look like. I hated myself, and hated how people would treat me based on how I looked. How a person looks doesn’t make them who they are! It took me 25 years to finally love myself and my body even though people would still judge me based on what they saw. I’m so so glad you posted this because alot more people need to hear and know this. Yes it’s good to loose weight and take care of your body so you are strong and healthy but to put your identity on that (how you look) like so many people have……not just women but men too is wrong and I’m glad you have enough strength to post this Because it definitely needs to be said! Enjoy life….thick or thin! Love yourself for who you are and what you want to become. you’re right though, there is no “after”…..there is just the here and now So enjoy it, live it, love it, and don’t let it slip away!!! God made you beautiful inside and out and it’s up you to take care of both and by the sounds of it you are doing a good job!!!
Im the before. Wishing it were different, easy, questioning myself as to why cant i get this under control? Self-condemnation a constant battle. Like you though i know im strong. I can do this! Gods going to help me! He used you to give me hope. Thank you!!!
I wrote about this once before, (can find it here), but there is a difference between self-discipline and self-abuse. The line is thin sometimes, but when I find my self-talk drifting down a darker path, I try to ask myself two questions: “would I say this to somebody else?” and “does this empower me?” Chances are, if I wouldn’t say it to someone else, I shouldn’t be saying it to myself. And, if it is tearing me down rather than empowering me, I should definitely not be saying it.
Your story is inspirational and so heart felt. I too have been on a weightloss journey. Funny how our journeys are as different as we are. When I was my lowest weight I’ve been since high school. I actually had a deep breakthrough kind of thought. I don’t want to be too cute. I’m pretty self-confident in so many ways, so how can being cute or pretty be a bad thing? I think of my childhood, and the girls that I saw things that they didn’t really want to happen, happen. How come that happens to any of us? Why did I put on the layer after layer of fat to cover up my cuteness. Not that it doesn’t come through, I know I shine. I do. I shine with an open heart, ready to show the world, the shiny me!
Shining with layers and layers of fat, is so different than with cute curves. I have layers of fear now, that I’m slowly working through. Before with the layers of fat, it protected me from men who could or would want to hurt, manipulate me or my heart. That fat protected me from getting noticed by guys who were shallow and were into women to be use and abuse for looks alone. Did I mention I shine! I do, I don’t know how long I’ve known that I’m afraid to shine my shiny cute curviness. Fuck! It’s scary. Vulnerability is scary, how can I be me, cute curvy, and feel safe? Does anyone feel that way? Can anyone hear me?
I’ve been working on making myself strong, learning to protect myself, and also to use my awesome judgment to let some males in. sounds easy, but it’s not. Dating is an adventure… sometimes good, but mostly comical.
I have a long way to go. I’m nervous about the next step, exposing more of my curves and losing more layers.
I hear you
Thank you for sharing this! I sooo get where you are coming from! I am struggling right now with loving myself
Completely. I am so happy and so blessed in my life-yet I am still carrying too many extra pounds. It is a challenge to figure out how to Not Focus on the one thing that isn’t great. I love myself, I am beautiful and confident, but there is room for improvement in how I see myself. So strange to live with such conflicting points of view.
The “after” myth doesn’t only apply to weight loss. Anything we’ve spent time working toward can leave one empty by the time the goal is reached. That can be a downside of goal setting if there isn’t a follow through. Not achieving a goal is much easier. We can say we tried and failed and everyone can pat us on the back and say, “oh, that’s fine, I love you anyway” and that’s that. And some people are cool with that, but you DID IT! But here’s the dirty little secret. Real life is lived in the time in between life events. I think that’s why faith in Jesus is so important to so many people. Because that time in between can be a real bummer. There are lots and lots of afters in life that are more work than anticipated. After you’re married. After you have kids. After the kids move out. After you quit drinking. It’s never “done” – it’s effort – everyday – and it’s work – every day – it can be drudgery or it can be glorious. Be grateful for everyday good or bad. Zig Ziglar has a saying (he has lots of sayings actually), one that comes to mind and doesn’t apply at all but I’ll tell you anyway is “To make a friend, you have to be a friend.” We have to “show up” in lives of others. To get what you want (joy) you have to help others get what they want (joy). Life really can be joyful work. Enjoy!
This was excellent! ! I’d love to talk more…
please tell me your secret why do you doing
You are such an inspiration. I had just a small taste of the after dream ,years back when I lost 60 lbs. in 4 months. Everyone treated me so differently. It was almost surreal. I loved it . I hated it. I lost faith in humanity, because of all the false shallow priorities and reactions people had . I let it stop me.
I was like, “hey, guys, it’s still me!”
Now I weigh a lot more than when I started that journey.
It’s not the end. It’s the beginning, in many ways. I wish I had seen that then. Now I struggle in middle age weighing almost 3 times my ideal weight. I am so scared and disillusioned. I want to see my daughter grow up. So far, WW and OA are lost on me. Why am I so impervious, so stubborn? I have declined surgery twice because I knew I’d mess it up and make myself sicker- because I had a sense of what you speak of, but that I couldn’t control myself. I need to think hard on what you say. There is so much wisdom in there. And I am scared.
Thank you.
-Stacey
My heart goes out to you, Stacey. I can totally relate. I would love to help you. I am a health coach who has ” been there done that” and wants to help people regain their health. Feel free to contact me at loseitforgood1 at gmail dot com
Wow. This made me cry. I can SO relate. You said it all so exquisitely.
Thank you so much! I needed this today… This whole post is like you’re reading my mind. I’ve lost over 100 pounds and what an amazing journey it was. I thrived in the thrill of my success and was so excited to get to my “goal” weight. Well I’ve been miserable more often than not ever since. It’s been a constant battle with determining how to “maintain” the loss, I’m constantly stressed over the number and struggle to focus on living a healthy lifestyle and the number not mattering. All my problems weren’t suddenly resolved when I reached my goal, I’ve had the same realizations… The journey to self discovery has just begun. All the best to you!
I can hear you! And I want to thank you. Like many people, this is my struggle too. I’ve still got pounds to loose, and I’ve been feeling so stuck lately. I have recently started to uncover some real truths about my being overweight. Not the least of which is how completely misunderstood I feel when people see whatever they see when they look at me and decide that all I need is to stop being lazy, eat well, and exercise. Because this body – THIS body – has been signalling the world that I just need to be seen and loved.
Once there was a little girl who was lost and voiceless in the midst of so much pain and chaos. And when it became clear that no one could see her, or hear her, no matter how much she talked, or cried, she decided to find a new way to signal for help. A body that would say to the world, “Something is wrong. Please see me!” Except it backfired, and everyone got the wrong message. And she’s been pretty pissed about it ever since. I feel so angry and misunderstood.
It’s a really long journey. A journey of witnessing ourselves, in our pain, our anger, our grief. After a lifetime of trying to get the rest of the world to see me, love me, understand me, witness me, tell me that I’m justified in my pain and anger, I’m starting to realize how important it is that I begin to do that for myself.
I’m here, today, with you. In the during. Thank you for sharing your “during” with me, and with all of us.
I lost almost half my body weight 8 years ago, and was finally at a healthy weight. I felt great physically, but I hadn’t dealt with what made me fat in the first place. Unfortunately, I gained it all back, and then some. Your blog is so true and I wished I’d figured out how to be comfortable and happy regardless of my size. Being thin was NOT the answer. I will get there again, and this time, I will work on more than just the numbers on the scale.
Thank you so very much for your beautiful depth and honesty. You expressed what I feel inside but have no words for. Thank you so much for the healing you are giving me just be being yourself! Sending you so much love, strength and joyful rediscovery of all the beautiful yous 🙂
I hear you.
I’m on my journey of losing one kg at a time (in in NZ)
I will remember this write up.
I Don’t want people to make clear how they think about me now being bigger when i get smaller.
‘Oh you look so much better now’ …wonder what their thought processes about my image are now when im overweight.
Good to know to work on that internally while I’m ridding myself of my fat.
Thank you. Glad this popped up on my feed x
wow! Loved reading this. I have struggled with weight all my life. Lost and gained over and over again. I have been SO close to goal only to suddenly STOP, start eating again, and gain it all back. I started my weight loss journey AGAIN a couple months ago. I have been at this point so many times before and, just like before, I am telling myself that “this time will be different. This time I will keep the weight off.” My fear, of course, is that it won’t be different. I know (and your post brought it to light for me again) that I need to figure out WHY I put the weight on again each time. Because, until I do that, I may never reach goal. Like you, I don’t think I would know who I was if I finally reached my goal. Because I have NEVER been happy with my weight and it would be completely new territory for me. Maybe the fear of reaching goal is what keeps me from getting there. I know that it is something I have never wanted to look too closely on. It’s true that this entire process is a never-ending journey. We are not going to suddenly become someone different once we finally see the reflection in the mirror that matches the image we have had in our head for so many years. I think a lot of soul searching needs to take place. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
kudos to you! Life is learning and accepting and learning to accept- we ALL strive to accept who we are, no matter our size, gender, race, orientation, etc.
what you have so brilliantly stated and have perhaps started to understand for yourself is that sometimes that is hard, it takes work and is a journey, which does not end. The joy is actually inthe journey not in the end- thank you sooo much for sharing – I hope others are listening 🙂
This is so true. I struggled with my weight, and still do. I look completely different. I still struggle with my self image and healthy boundaries with food. Thank you for putting your experience out there for us to see. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, yes, yes!!! I am right there with you!!! Congrats on learning to love you, in any skin you are in!!
I hear you. I’ve been there. The hardest thing for most of us to do is love ourselves “as is”. It’s a continual process. I wish you well.
Wow. Wish I had come across you about three or four years ago. Eight years ago, At the age of 57, I began a weight loss journey that ended up in me losing over 100 lbs. I had struggled with weight and self image all my life and I really thought I had licked it this time. Since I had always been the “chubby girl” all my life, I loved being a size 10 and even had plastic surgery to improve the physical appearance. Of course, I loved all the attention, not to mention the clothes! I did stuff I had never done, including two triathlons. Then life happened. Lost my best friend, my dad and FIL to illnesses, ended a 22 year career and moved 1300 miles from all family & friends – all in the course of 18 months. Now, three years into the aftermath, I’ve gained back nearly 3/4 of what I lost. Food is my friend and my enemy, all in one. I hate myself for this, yet know that I’m the only one who has the power to do anything about it. Reading your comments has helped me to realize even at the age of 64, I still don’t really know, like or trust myself. Guess it’s time to grow up. Thanks for your insights and God bless you on your journey.
I hear you loud and clear!! I’ve struggled with my weight and my love/hate relationship with food for 45 years. Serial relapses. I like how I LOOKED when I was at my goal weight, better than how I now look carrying way too many extra pounds. But I never FELT like that person. Never accepted that person. Never quite connected that she could be ME.
You expressed it so well. I have tried to put these feelings into words, for myself, and to communicate it to other people. I am 60 years old, and weighed over 200 pounds all of my adult life. At one point I weighed 300. Today I weigh 180 and am struggling to lose the last 25 pounds to my personal goal. I have maintained this weight for 18 months. While I am smaller and healthier than I have ever been as an adult, I am extremely critical of my body, of what I eat, and of who I am. I am still trying to “catch up with myself”. Thank you for putting it into words.
Thanks for this. It really made me think about what I’m doing and why and where I want it all to go. Losing weight is never, NEVER just about ‘losing the weight’, any more than gaining weight is ever just about too many cakes (for me anyway). Important to remember that, ESPECIALLY when the weight loss regime du jour is ‘working’. Thank you.
Thank you for being brave enough to post this. It is such a hard and awkward subject to explain to people. I know because I experienced a similar experience during weight loss and still struggle with my relationship with my body image and with food, but this has greatly improved for me with the addition of setting goals in my life to bring me back to life. You will rediscover yourself eventually and find happiness about yourself again. The fact that you were able to outright say that weight loss was not a fix-it-all solution to body image problems is the first step. Rejoice in the fact that you are brave enough to write this. You have touched me and will touch others with your story. Best of luck and thank you.
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What an absolutely AMAZING post. I’m so, so glad that you put those thoughts into words. You’ve obviously done an incredible thing in losing the weight, but you’re also right…it’s not enough *just* to lose weight if you can’t feel at peace, if you can’t like yourself and enjoy your life.
I really resonated with what you wrote about feeling like you are *still you* – that your body now isn’t better, it’s just different, and it can be tough to feel like other people put down the old you in an attempt to praise your progress.
I’m actually a coach and I help people who want to transition away from dieting and towards a more intuitive approach to food, and I find that so many people of all kinds of weight – from 100 pounds to 200 pounds and beyond — all those people struggle with feeling safe around food, with not obsessing and really being able to enjoy their lives. So I just want to say that you’ve achieved something amazing, and that it *is* possible to also do the inner growth you’re looking for. Geneen Roth’s book “Women, Food, and God” is wonderful for this if you haven’t checked it out, and I also blog about it.
I hear you. And I have chills after reading this. So incredibly powerful, thank you.
i don’t even know your name but I hear you. I hear you and I’ve had similar struggles. I am recovering from an eating disorder. I don’t really like the word recover. It doesn’t totally encompass everything I’ve been though and continue to go through. All I can say is you are not alone in this battle. Keep working at it! You can do hard things!
I think that the after involves the journey and the learning that you are reflecting in this post. I only just found you, but I think I’ll be sticking around. Go you!
I hear you! For years I had goals to lose weight or be skinnier. I’ve recently changed those goals, for many of the same reasons you discuss here. Now my goals are to be fitter, healthier, more active. My goals are for me because I want to live longer, feel better, and experience more. If I happen to lose some weight while I am becoming fitter and healthier, so be it, but I don’t want people to like me or complement me just because I’ve lost weight. I am the same person and if you don’t like me now, I don’t need you ‘after’! Thank you for sharing this message on a public forum.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
Wow! Truer words were never spoken. I’ve lost 50 pounds in the last year or so, that was the goal; but, I never had body image issues when I was heavier. Now that I am 50 pounds lighter “I feel fat” all the time. It’s a struggle to recognize my accomplishments myself and to figure out why that is so.
I hear you and am crying in solidarity with you. Thank you for expressing this! As a yo-yo dieter all my adult life, it is so hard to struggle with the “after” being good and the before being a person of no worth. Well said!
Me, too. I’m 62 now and am currently ‘thin’ for the past 13 months or so. I’ve lost the same 50 pounds at least 4 times. Sort of exhausting, I must say. I’ve read that the odds of keeping weight off are less than surviving metastatic lung cancer, which is pretty darn depressing. Someday the smart scientists will have cracked this puzzle, but until then we must all cope with our body issues.
Yes, I hear you! Although, I have not lost a ton of weight. I have actually gained in the process of uncovering who I really am. But the me that I’m uncovering is the real me, a fantastic me and it is one day at a time. Learning to love myself at my heaviest takes everything I’ve got. But it is a beautiful wonderful journey and I wouldn’t trade anything for where I am.
I SEE YOU! I HEAR YOU! 8 years ago I lost 75 pounds. I was at “normal” weight, but I never hit my “goal.” I still felt like my body was the same; bad or damaged somehow. I never viewed it as beautiful. Over the years I gained it all back.
After having a baby, weight is coming off slowly with breastfeeding. I’m not trying. And I know when I stop it will probably come back. I’m trying, now, to just see myself as I am and accept it. To know that fat is just something I have, it doesn’t define me. It’s nearly impossible.
I don’t know how to break this in me. The need to be an ideal. I think it’s really society that needs to change. How do we do that? How do we make people accept fat as acceptable?
Thanks for this. Well said.
Great blog. I had not ever really thought about where I am as ‘after’. I am always striving for Better:new goals, new adventures, new adrenaline rushes. I do understand the journey you are going through, I have been on it for 8 years now. Hopefully you discover yourself and enjoy simply being on the path of Life. Time spent experiencing what it is to be you is glorious and should always be enjoyed to the fullest!
this is beautifully written from the heart…you’ve stated what I too have come to realize, I am ME no matter what my scale says, and I am loving ME and accepting ME more and more daily.The journey is beautiful,hard, horrible, courageous and yes,sometimes weak and less than other times, but it’s mine and I love it! Thanks for sharing your storey…it’s about time we ALL get real about ourselves.
This is the first time I have read your blog and I was so blown away by what you wrote; A strong woman telling her truth and speaking a language so many of us know is a rare gift. There is so much of what you wrote worthy of quoting to every woman I know but instead I will share this for others to read. You have touched me today and I wish you continued success on your journey. Thank you!
Having read your post, I now know that you are, and always have been, beautiful inside and out. You are you, and there’s nothing better you can be. You struggle just like all of us struggle, whether it’s with food, exercise, procrastination, drugs, depression and on and on. Thank you for your honesty. You are real, and people love that.
The discovery of self happens when one decides to look at themselves based on the qualities of the person they are. The things that cannot change like personality. Characteristics of one’s self. Not on the outside. It’s not what we are or how we look which most people base their identity on its who they are. Who ever did this post I would like to work with you on this. Let me know. And it’s a journey to self discovery and the great thing is…..you’re on it!!!!
I totally hear you. You are such an inspiration!
it is awesome what you have done. But if you need more tall ships is where it is. You can cross the world with supportive people who will love, yes you will come to love them, for who you are. And how well you can sail:?
I hear you! Thank you so much for sharing. I honor your strength and your heart. What a beautiful and honest human being you are…keep sharing and growing and being all you are. All the best to you and sending you lots of love!
First, I love you for this and thank you. I have struggled with the same journey although I’ve never been able to put it into words as well as you have today. I’m 5’7 and about 10 years ago I weighed over 215 lbs., I lost about 60 lbs., rather quickly thanks to a little magic pill called ephedra (now banned) and hella exercise. Before the weight loss I couldn’t get a single man to look at me, after the weight loss, I couldn’t fight them off with a stick! Like another reader said, it was surreal. I wasn’t a new person, I didn’t have new feelings, but I did have a different perspective. I fluctuate (still to this day) between knowing what a beautiful person I am and complete self-loathing, and a total disdain for humanity, like, “fuck you, look what I had to do to get you to notice me, and treat me like a human being.” I don’t really feel like a “skinny girl” I sometimes feel like a fat girl in a skinny girl suit. But I have to say that we’re not impostors, we get to see the world from different angles, and how many people get to do that. We have to believe that we are beautiful, that we deserve the compliments, we worked hard, and we can empathize and help others in the same struggle. The way that people treat us on the outside doesn’t define us on the inside, although sometimes I wish it would, but it did made me stronger. Anyway, that’s what I have to say about that. I look forward to seeing what others have experienced. Take care everyone and be well.
Just started following your blog! You hit the nail on the head. I’m not defined by my size, number on a scale or pair of jeans. I’m defying who I am every day by challenging myself to be active and become healthier. One step at a time.
What a fantastic article, which had me nodding my head in recognition at all of it. I bought into the whole myth of how everything would be better if I lost weight and imagined some mythical place where everything would be better if I was a size 10. It wasn’t. I would shun all my “before” pictures (which unfortunately encompassed the first few years of my son’s life) and assure myself I’d never look like that again. Well, what do you know, I never did crack why my emotional state and my eating and drinking are linked and the bigger clothes are back out. At least this time I’ll be focusing more on my mind than my waistline as I try to get fitter and healthier again.
Yes. I hear you. Thank you for sharing this. I’m sitting here crying because I am a heavy person that does not love myself, and I’m unsure I ever could at any weight and this just hit something deep and I’m trying to figure out what it means. Maybe I can do the weight loss after I learn how to love who I am now. Maybe I can learn to the allow the person who stares back in the mirror to exist as he is.
Thank you.
I hear you and I see you.
Enjoy the journey as you discover all the parts of you.
xox
Nicci Dot C A
hug
I hear you. thank you.
I am 8 years out and finally learning to love myself. Somedays not so much but I agree 1000 percent. The weight is but the smaller physical part of it and it happens fast. I am just now learning of my strength inside and out at 8 years. It is amazingly slow but I want it to stick. I no longer want it to be about reaching a number. I did reach that number again a few months ago and then I sat there thinking now what? Now I choose strength in myself and my body.
Good Luck in your journey. You sound like you are headed in the right direction.
I hear you. ((hug))
The mental aspect is far more difficult to overcome then the physical.
I’ve lost 138 lbs.
For three years my battle has been against myself. The scale my enemy. New clothes my reward. But it’s so much more then that, and to those who have never lived this, will never understand. All they see is “Before” and “After.” Not understanding that YOU are still YOU at every size.
And yes you are fucking strong!!
No weak person could do what you have accomplished, and I applaud your struggle!!
I have had a Before photo, and I have had an After photo. Now, I am bigger than my original before photo. There is no AFTER…………this is a journey. You know they say that the destination is not the joy but the journey is? The same goes for this thing we call weight loss, healthy living etc etc etc. This is a journey ……..one we have to walk slowly on. There is a reason we became fat, obese, overweight (whatever adjective you want to use) and we have to unpeel all the onion layers to find that. Then and only then can we work on what makes us who we are. We are the women in the BEFORE photos, and we are the women in the AFTER photos. We are still that person, with issues. Issues we covered up before in layers of fat, cholesterol and what have you. We have to be comfortable in the BEFORE skin before we will ever be comfortable in the AFTER skin. Its a journey…………so make that journey worthwhile
I LOVE THIS!!!
I feel like I am reading how I feel when I read this…
Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
My life has been over 30 years of before and never quite reaching the after. I have had middles and almosts and continually bemoan my inability to reach the after.
I really loved this piece. I love your honesty, vulnerability and strength all beautifully and eloquently written with such heart.
I wish I had found your blog before today, but now I will go and read back through. Thank you for sharing, shining and embracing your beautiful self.
Reblogged this on You've Reached The Winter Of Our Discontent and commented:
This. This is fucking powerful. You are yourself and only yourself in any given moment. There is no before and after- there is only now. Thank you for writing this. I came by this knowledge painfully over the course of many years and I only wish I’d known it 15 years ago.
I just stumbled upon this last post; I know nothing of your specific journey, and yet I can hear you in so many ways. I support you being you.
I hear you, sister. I’m struggling closer to “before”, but I’m afraid of the ” after” part. Once you get there, there’s so much pressure to maintain it, so the struggle with yourself remains. What’s the point, then? If I’m not guaranteed better body image and happiness with myself, why bother? But, “after” and “during” have to be better for me than where I am now.
you need to give your self fat more credit then you have and to that more and often CONGRATULATIONS !!!
Beautifully written, and thankfully said. I appreciate you. Your words. Your strength to say this. Thank you!
So very well said… The journey never ends…
I hear you! Amazing post – going right up to the top of the list of best things I’ve ever read. I’ve struggled with weight issues most of my life – dieted for 3/4 of my life… Our worth is not measured by our weight. Life doesn’t wait for us to hit a number on the scale. We are given a finite number of years on earth – don’t wait to start living and loving and enjoying until you hit a number on the scale. You will miss so much. Thank you for posting this – truly amazing and exactly what I needed. I rarely comment on articles but had to on this one.
VERY WELL SAID! There are so many people who have made this journey, more than once too. . For me it has been 3 times, and each time for different reasons. This last time has been over the span of a year and that is only 50 lbs ( a lot for me) reaching my healthy weight in a matter of weeks now. I wanted to go slow because I needed to learn everything I could about food. What it does to my body, what is healthy, and what works for me, what causes hunger, what foods keep me fuller longer. As far as dealing with stress and food as comfort, I remember all too well the WEEKS of stalls with no loss and thinking I will never put my body or mind through this again! This time my loss was based on health and feeling comfortable. Carrying an extra 50 or so was miserable most of the time– for my back, hip, feet , trying to breath when bending over, lack of energy, having to take medications due to excess weight. Of course compliments are nice and welcome, but for me and this is probably related to age (68) it was my journey to better health. I hope you can find the happiness you deserve for the great gift you have given yourself, and enjoy the freedom your loss will give you. I see you have been hiking, backpacking, and that probably is more enjoyable with a trimmer you. You were an awesome person before the weight loss, and you are still an awesome person. Especially your writing skills!!
I love your truth. I have yet to find my self our love me for me I was thin once and now I’m fat!!!! People say all the time don’t you care? What does that mean care? I hardly look in the mirror only to put make up on and to fix my hair. No photo’s!!!! One day I hope to start to find me but as of now I have 4 special need children who take all of me and there for there is no more me for me. God bless you and keep talking and one day God willing we will find our selfs.
I know exactly what you mean! I thought losing weight would fix all my problems and the truth is everyone has problems. I thought men would look and love me differently then when I was heavy, but the truth is I did not see me different or love myself. The journey just begins after the weight loss ends. I turned to alcohol instead of food. Now just taking it day by day. I am 7 yrs out and have lost 110 lbs!
God came down from His throne to suffer and die personally for you. He loves every hair on your head. If He who created you loves you knows every cell in your body, agonizing just to have a word from you for all He has blessed you with, is waiting to show you who you are. Love you in Christ Jesus.
I hear you. I am proud of you. You have accomplished something most people find impossible, so you are very strong and capable. I hope you can find peace with yourself and enjoy life, you deserve that.
Thank you very much for such a poignant, honest post. I have been before and after and because I too struggled with the unhappiness with me, i am starting the journey all over again. Thank you for having the courage to help all of us who need to learn ourselves During. I hear you. You are beautiful in all of your phases.
You ARE a strong, beautiful girl. It took a lot of courage to say what you did…and a whole lot of truth in it. Enjoy the “now” and know that we are ALL discovering who we are and changing what we need to until the day we leave. Keep going….YOU are an inspiration!
I hear you loud and clear! Thank you for that revelation and inspiration! It came into my life just as I needed to hear it. Thank you!
we hear you!
Hon, let me tell you that telling yourself the number on the scale is just a number and meaningless to the person you are is great for the logical side of your brain, but the emotional side will never be happy with that explanation and keeps telling you different. It is a struggle that some days you will win and some days you will lose, depending on how you’re feeling that day BUT THAT’S OK. It’s ok to feel great one day and not so great the next. I had the opposite experience of you, was anorexic for over 16 years and am now at a healthy weight; but some part of me still tells me that I am a fat slob some days even though, logically, I know that is not so. The key to being ok in the skin you’re in is to love yourself no matter what, whether you’re too fat, too skinny, or somewhere in between. We are all beautiful, all wonderful, powerful creatures that have important and meaningful lives; the struggle is being kind enough to ourselves to believe it. Hugs.
Thank you for this blog. Thank you for your courage…every day. Reading this suddenly helped me to see something about my weight problem that never occurred to me. I need to work at finding me not a smaller dress size. After that what will be, will be. I heard you.
I can totally relate! It’s a journey that doesn’t really end. The weight is just a symptom of much deeper things. I have lost lots of weight as well and struggle with feeling truly connected to people. Many who wouldn’t give me the time of day at 300 lbs now want to be my friend. And those who were my friends have changed and the friendships are fragile post weight loss. When you lose so much weight that you look like a new person, I feel like it causes a bit of an identity crisis. Congrats on your weight loss and good luck on your journey.
Listen, I just came across your blog today. I haven’t had as drastic a change as you. However, three years ago, I found a photo of myself at a work Christmas party. I remember the photo being taken–I felt stunning. And then I saw the real photo–I was the heaviest I had been without having childbirth to blame it on. Granted, I was 160 lbs. but I made a choice that day to never be there again. I lost 35 lbs. it took time and more effort than most people can imagine. My Husband did Ideal Protein, and I went to the initial meeting. A woman looked at me and said “why are you here?” I told her I was here for the same reasons as everyone else, and to support my Husband. People call me skinny mini now, but I still have fat and I still struggle with food. EVERY. DAY. Being thinner has introduced a whole host of other worries. And like you, it takes me forever to lose five lbs now. Keep your head up, and try to be proud of who you are. This process never ends.
I so hear you. I am on my journey at this moment and have lost a total of 68 pounds to date. I have at least another 50 to go. I am fearful when I reach that point as to regaining the weight. I have focused on myself finally after all these years at age 48. I am loving at chipping away one pieces of “not me” one piece at a time. Congratulations on your journey and relearning yourself!! Love this post.
Thank you for writing this. As someone who will not, I think, ever manage to LOOK like an “after,” your post makes it easier to be in the body that is me, which everyone is so eager to whittle down to a body that will look like not-me and will fit their notions of worthiness better. Some days, I manage to feel worthy in the body I have. Posts like yours help.
This is an excellent article. You nailed it. You managed to uncover what the rest of us have struggled to put into words. Thank you!
thank you so much for saying this “out loud”. No one talks about this.
Thank you so much for writing down exactly what I am feeling. I am still not where I want to be, but am a skinnier me than I was before. However, the more I lose, the more I feel I have to lose. I don’t feel like there will ever be an “after”. When I post pictures, I always say “current”, ’cause “after” doesn’t exist.
Yes, being at peace with the YOU. And it’s not just about getting thinner, but we each need to be happy with ourselves. I struggle with health issues that I never thought I’d have cause I’ve always been “healthy as a horse” and now I’m trying to gain weight, eat what my body needs, and slow down for my body to heal, all the while being at peace with my body and not angry at it. It is me, after all.
Beautifully and skillfully stated, and I thank you. Geneen Roth is the finest writer about inner “weight loss” issues that I know. She has a Facebook page. You might like her book: “Women, Food, and God.” It speaks to the spiritual beings we are; it does not espouse any particular religion or set of beliefs.
All the best to you. Your courageous honesty will help to carry you to that place where neither “Before” nor “After” will be anything other than terms. ♡♡♡
I am down 151lbs about 11 years now…I struggle everyday to make good choices and get off my butt and exercise. I have been fighting 20lbs for a while now, it does not get easier, you are not your weight. I can so relate!!! xo
Reblogged this on The Healthy Habit Lady and commented:
Excellent post.
I have lost 50 or so pounds towards my goal of losing 100 pounds.Every word you spoke is so true and so powerful.Thanks for expressing all of this.Weight loss is an accomplishment AND it is not a statement on who you are as a person.You were song and gorgeous before,AND you are still that.Also as you said,it is an on going journey.Thanks again!
Strong
I love every single word of what you wrote, it is so real, so true, and you never hear people articulating this! It’s like the emporer has no clothes–there is no after! It’s a mirage that keeps disappearing as you get closer! But I hope you will find that a few years down the road, if you continue your focus and curiosity and exploration about who you are, all of a sudden one day you will realize “Hey, I got there–I know myself!” The learning never stops completely, but you will feel a lot more whole than you do now. If you continue working on it. Good luck & peace to you on your journey. You have a beautiful soul.
Beautifully said. Thank you.
You, all of you that is and ever was, are strong, eloquent, and beautiful.
Beautifully said. And I believe this can apply to so much more than people’s weigh (loss, gain, or otherwise)… this is what should be said about life… ❤
You are an amazing person it does not matter how much you weigh. People are the same losing weight does not make you happier if you are not happy wirh yourself. I would love to lose weight but that is not who I am. I am a loving, honest hard working single mom who trys to be everything to everyone. Losing 100 lbs will not change whats on the inside and if thats what people look for then they are very shallow. You are honest about your struggle and that makes you amazing and I hope you rediscover the inner you and you become all you want to be .
This is such a great post! Thanks for sharing your struggle and your journey. My ex basically divorced me because I gained weight over the years. He would say I was a different person. I tried to convince him that I was the SAME person, I just looked a little different, but he couldn’t see it that way. I tried to lose weight for years and couldn’t until I met a man who loved and cherished me no matter what I weighed, and as he convinced me that I was worthy of love and I learned to love myself, the weight started coming off even though I had given up dieting and exercise. It really is so much about loving and accepting yourself. ❤
I hear you. For all of us going along the journey, you have spoken the truest words. There is no “after” and that is most definitely the hardest part to discover once you get to where you think “after” should be. There is no parade, balloons, marching band, or welcoming committee saying “TA-DA! You’re here!”, but there still is the dealing with life, stress, depression, what made us eat in the first place, and then after all that, there is coming to that place where we realize we need to love ourselves. And yes, THAT is the absolutely the hardest part of all. To everyone who is on this same journey, give yourself one positive comment each day. Stand in front of the mirror and say “I love me!” and BELIEVE it. Accept compliments when they are given and let the appreciation of others sink into your soul, rather than allowing those negative background “yeah, right” thoughts seep into your head. Ours is a life-long journey. First, to lose the weight, and second, and most importantly, to accept that we are wonderful beings and to love ourselves. One small step in front of the other; one day, hour, minute, second at a time, we WILL continue on with this work in progress. Every day love yourself a little bit more. Oh wow, do I hear you.
Love this. I hear you. I see you. And I have love for you and your journey.
I found this post because a friend shared it on Facebook. After reading, I felt the need to congratulate you on getting physically healthier. It’s a lot of hard work.
I also wanted to share a point of view. We aren’t what we are, we are what we do.
We aren’t a number on the scale. We aren’t the clothes we wear. We aren’t the color of our skin. We aren’t the religion we choose to follow or not follow for that matter. We aren’t the job title we have. We aren’t the number in our bank accounts.
We are what we do to help ourselves. We are what we do to help others.
We tend to see that in our friends and loved ones, but not in ourselves.
I my goodness. This is our life story. For people with food and body issues, this is all about connecting to our souls, our authentic selves, and that’s some work. At least now, there’s some space when the obsession is quiet. Keep going on your adventure. No one is judging. We don’t have these issues for no reason. This is not your fault or my fault. It’s just the way we finally got our attention to get a good life going.
You are perfectly imperfect and you are so loved. xo
You have done something absolutely incredible! That being said, you figured out that this is a lifelong journey. There will never be a day you don’t think about food, exercise, and weight. There will be a day however, it isn’t as much of a struggle. I used to teach medically managed weight loss as a nurse educator so this issue is very real and hits a spot in my heart. Most often for overweight people, the struggle isn’t the food. Most often there is a beast hidden within that an overweight person is battling. I would strongly urge you to find and attend a support group as there are many people who can relate to the struggle you are having and are having the same struggle themselves. As you stated, you will always be you, with or without extra weight… You just have to learn how to be happy with that person and overcome whatever beast is hidden below.
Good luck on your continued journey. You will find your way!
So beautifully written AND so true. I needed to hear this today. THANK YOU!
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You’ve already gotten so many responses, but this affected me so deeply that it brought me to tears. The last time I lost weight, I went through such a dark period that I couldn’t understand, wasn’t I supposed to be happy?? You described what I was going through so well, and I didn’t even KNOW that those were the feelings I was experiencing. I shared this on my wall and I hope the whole world reads it. THank you!
A beautiful, wonderful, relevant, inspiring, truthful post. Thank you for your honesty and openness.
You ARE beautiful, you have ALWAYS been beautiful your just a little lighter and healthier 💕 well done stay strong and be proud of yourself xxx
I myself have lost 350lbs and I read your blog and it was so right. I thought for years it was the weight making me unhappy but found myself less happy after losing the weight. Is it because every aspect of my life is so different now and I resent myself for living so long like that or is it because I still don’t love me for me. I hear so much ” you look so much better” and i just say well that’s rude i thought i was always a beautiful person which is a lie but then the back peddling starts “no no i always thought you were handsome but now ?
Profound. Real. I highly recommend the work over at http://www.beautyredefined.net Twin sisters with PhDs who have researched into these very issues of body image, self-acceptance, and media messages. I strongly recommend it to everyone. Blessings to you and thanks for sharing your journey.
I hear you, I’ve been there. I don’t think it really ever get’s much easier, but it gets better. I can’t tell you when it will happen or what it will be, but sooner or later you’ll have that moment when you really start to like yourself for who you are. Just remember, it’s your story, don’t let anybody else tell you how to write it.
Thanks for writing this.
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Thank you for being so honest about your journey! I’m 63 and your words touched my heart. I’m wondering who I am at this point in my life. I’m going to refer to your post for strength and courage to face the TRUTH. I hear you, loud and clear!
Beautifully articulated. I LOVE this post.
How awesome! Keep keeping on!!
Amen! There will never be an after, there will always be a DURING!!!! As long as you don’t fall into or allow yourself to be sucked back in to the before and you continue to move forward to be a better you on the inside as well as the outside, a healthier you inside and out it’s called progress, and your progression will carry you through life. Don’t stay stagnant, staying fit and healthy all the way around takes a lot of work. Don’t ever stop working. You’re still earning that paycheck by maintaining that healthier body inside and out. If the workout is getting boring, try something different, take up a sport, Karate, kickboxing, rock climbing, ballet, mountain biking. make a goal to do a triathlon or a decathlon just to keep yourself motivated and moving forward.
I hear you, too! Thank you for sharing!
Incredible words….feelings…it’s me, my battle daily…thank you. I pray we all find peace in this process.
You are a truly gifted woman. You have a command of words that I can only dream of. You paint a picture that I can relate to. You are already uncovering “you” you just can’t see it, but the rest of us can. Keep looking and you will see that wonderful woman too.
“She’s standing right here, and she is fucking strong”. Yes she is. Life is a journey not a destination. That affirmation…that roar from the depths of your soul proves it. See you on the path…ROAR!
Don’t know whether you will see this post; there is a great book that was published fairly recently that you might find really useful in your continuing journey. It is available in audio and Kindle as well: beyond willpower by Alexander Loyd. It provides some tools that can be very valuable for deprogramming and reprogramming the mind.
thank you so much for your beautiful story. It is very much the truth for myself, my friends, and those i coach as well. Life is not a case of “when I get to ____ (weight, bank acct $, place, relationship status, etc), I will be done and I will be happy”. Acceptance of what is what creates Joy, and that acceptance is what we work toward. I applaud you for becoming a clearly physically healthier version of you. That is a huge step toward self love. Have you read The Untethered Soul? It sounds like you would really find your next steps there. All my best to you.
Lindsay Sacks
BREAKTHROUGH TO BLISS
This is fantastic, and you are wiser than many. As someone who frequently dreams of becoming an After (which is really just another word for Perfect), this was a much needed kick in the arse. Thank you for the reminder that the rainbow has no end – there’s today, there’s during, there’s LIFE.
And for all I may lose, I hope to gain that twofold in richness of truly living.
I hear you!
This is such a rare story to tell….to tell the absolute truth of what it is all REALLY about.
I have not had to ‘lose the weight or inches’, I have not had to struggle as you have but…yet I do….on a daily basis.
No it is not about the weight or inches, but ALL about YOU…about ME…about the person in each of us.
Thank you for this story that I will share with hopes that so many others will share, as well.
Well put, my friend.
️️Hugs to you.
Thank you so much for sharing! I can empathesize because I had lost 100 lbs and was in the same place as you! I always had to assure people that I wasnt sick, but was trying to find the healthy me. I also only saw the heavier version of me, rather than the thin version. I found myself being even more critical of myself the more weight I lost and the more attention I received from people. Congrats on your strength 😄
I needed this! I NEED THIS! I feel lost on my loooong journey but after reading this it gives me hope. Thank you for being so very honest as most of the time I feel so very lost. I try. I fail. But I have to keep trying! GOD BLESS YOU!!
I too have struggled with weight my entire life. Several years ago I lost 95 lbs. The result? A smaller body but shockingly for the first time in my life I felt a dark depression. How was that even POSSIBLE? I was thankfully able to overcome the depression. I subsequently gained back about 20 lbs and have stayed at that weight ever since. Your words resonate with me. Apparently I was not ready to give up my ‘shield’ of weight although I had been spending my live trying to rid myself of it. I agree, there is no after. There is simply during. I will continue to learn to love myself a little more each day because it is THAT which I ultimately want. Not smaller digits on the scale. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
A powerful post! The strength in your words came thru loud and clear. I also struggle with my weight daily. I understand your anxiety, frustrations and everything else rolled into one.Your journey is ongoing and whether you know it or not you are one courageous woman who will take this fight with strong determination and a will to succeed. I am thinking about taking the big plunge to do something about my weight.Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts showing us what it is to struggle with something so dramatic that turns ones life into a topsy-turvy roller coaster. As Matthew stated….ROAR Woman ROAR! Hugs
This is seriously the most encouraging, honest, raw, and thoughtful thing I have read. After my parents got a divorce I thought my world had ended so I buried my feelings in food and have just kept on eating in a terrible way until I gained probably 100 pounds. But now I’m on a “weight loss journey” so to speak. But this has been one of my biggest fears, that I’m losing weight because I no longer love myself and I want to be someone different and I worry that when I shed all these pounds that I still won’t like the girl I see looking back. So yes I hear you loud and clear.
Hey there, thanks for the honesty and I just wanted to let you know I’ve been there too. You ARE all of the girls and women in the photos. Your spirit is you no matter what body you are in. You’ve shown grit to lose the weight, and I’m betting you will use that grit to get to know yourself. Let me know if you ever need an ear. I care.
I hear you. Great post with a powerful message.
I hear you. And I want to salute and recognize the value of your During, even when it seems like some of it is ENduring.
I’m fighting the same kind of battle. I’m not looking for After. I’m looking for health. I’ve decided I like it here on Earth, and I’d like to stay here awhile longer. There’s much more stuff to see and do, and I’m learning that none of the best stuff is about food.
“Instead of asking if your glass is half-full or half-empty, be thankful you have a glass.”
I hear you! Bravo!
Well put. It’s the journey, not the destination. Because there isn’t one. 🙂
You look amazing !!! After loosing a lot of weight … peoples are struggling with extra skin .That is not your case …can i ask : what did you do about that ? Because you don’t have any …
I’m an after as well, and it’s so much harder than the process of losing the weight. Thank you for being willing to share how life is not instantly happy once you’ve dropped 100lbs. I recently wrote about my struggle with loving myself when the scale moves up a tick. Here is a small part of my journey:https://michellelessly.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/hate-me-today/
Leaning to accept yourself as a humanBEing is a life time journey. Just to BE is enough. Sending Light and Love for your journey. Thank you for sharing your story…I hope you write many more chapters. NAMASTE
Thank you. I am 65 and have struggled with weight issues for 50 years. Your reflections helped me to crystallize the problem for me – now I will be successful.
Beautifully written…your thoughts and words resonated with me and I definitely hear YOU
Wow.. what a wonderful to write your struggles with your person not the weight
I hear you! I find you courageous and genuine; these are worthy characteristics. I think we are all involved in self-discovery every day, every moment. We define ourselves on many levels: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual. My personal thoughts are to not depend on the physical or anyone else’s opinions, but depend more on introspection and self-observation – and most emphasis should be made on spiritual attributes. I read God’s Word and ascribe to become more Christ-like each day – this is my measuring stick of evolving into the person I choose to be!
Wow, I’ve just read this and I know your blog is making popcorn pop in my brain. I’m down 65lbs so far with another 20 to go. In 10lbs I hit my ‘fantasy weight’ that I look at as the weight I hit when I start doing certain things (which I could be doing now). That concept of after, you’re talking about to a certain degree.
I’ve been able to make peace and accept who I was, and who I am, and who I still am. I get what you mean about, ‘it’s all me, she is me’.
We will always live with who we are and these struggles, but we now have tools to help us out.
Thank you for sharing.
i hear you so loudly! My issue was my teeth being crooked. My whole life, that was the goal, get ‘Em straight. The very minute they put those braces on, I knew I had made a big mistake. Five years later, braces off, I am still the girl with the fangs. Just as an aside, I’ve been ‘skinny’ all my life. I have Crohn’s disease and my thyroid stopped working a few years ago… I am 150 lbs and I like it! I am so damn happy that no one asks me why I M so skinny anymore! As you’ve found out, ‘skinny’ doesn’t equal happy.
Happy equals happy.
Recently I’ve had so much stress, I’ve broken five teeth from grinding them at night!!!
I just wanted you to know that I love you both ways and that you will find your ‘happy’. Bless you for your blog.
Victoria x o x o
Wow! What an incredible and powerful message! I’m so impressed with your honesty and GIRL- I HEAR YOU!!! I’m no where near having the level of acceptance you’ve reached but I understand the obsession about the number in the scale, the strive for perfection and then the debilitating disappointed when I don’t reach the unattainable expectation. Thank you for sharing your strength!
I freaking hear you girl.just start livin….meditate. so proud of you.just live.firget the other bullshit and enjoy as you deserve to.wow so very cool you are.hows it feel to be awesome and strong because…THAT’S What you are!
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I hear you. I appreciate your words more than you can know.
XoL
you are amazing! why? because you are telling the truth. I totally get where you are and where you are coming from. am adding you to the blogs I follow!
I wish I could find myself again. The layers keep coming back & taking over my life. I want that before & after picture…. I just can’t find that path! Thank you for sharing what “after” is…. Your so brave!
This is the very best thing I’ve read today!! I think we all need to start enjoying our DURING!! What terrific insight! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for bringing awareness to this element of weight loss !! I applaud you for acknowledging that the journey isn’t done with “reaching” the number on the scale. So many think that getting to a set goal was all they had to do, and now could go back to their life… Which leads to weight gain.
I have been there myself, and learned about the importance to uncover and resolve the hidden emotional causes for weight. Now I discover patience with myself as I peal away emotional layers…
Would you like to share your story in our FB group Hopesity – Hope for Obesity!?
Incredibly well said! I’m going to keep this for those times when I need strength to fight the self-doubt that losing over half of myself didn’t resolve. It feels like it created more.
Thankfully you know that it is not about the weight ☆ it is about you. That is t he key. Congrats!
I hear you! I made the same mistake several years ago thinking when I lost the weight I would finally ________. Fill in the blank with any number of things – be happy, healthy, better, find love, etc. etc. and when it all didn’t fall into place like I thought it should, I let life get in the way and gained it all back plus another 30. So now I’m at the start of another journey. This time it’s just for me. I’ve decided I will not be a number. Not on the scale, not by age nor by bank account or statistic. I am me! And like you, I’m strong and can do anything I set my mind to do!
Post Bariatric here, ten months out. I hope I hear you fully. My thrill these days is doing things I couldn’t do before. I am literally running from where I used to be. Be strong.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I’ve been post 145+ weight loss for a few years and keeping it off is not the issue, embracing me as I was, am, and will be are the hard parts. I do my best to treat myself with kindness and never say to myself something I wouldn’t say to a friend. It doesn’t always work but you have to keep practicing to master a skill.
How did you verbalized my internal dialogue?
It’s as though you spend time in my head, and saw through my eyes, then wrote the words I have yet to say.
Thank you.
Very insightful and appreciated.
I am on a journey also. I have lost a significant amount of weight for medical reasons (very bad wrecked knees), and wanting to be able to do things that I love doing. So I can really relate to this and know the “after”is the scary part. Losing weight and gaining weight is the easy part, its the underlying issues that makes us turn to food that is the real issue. I am treating this as a time for learning and growth, but I know the after will be scary. I am still the same person, just in a revised body! thank you for being so open and honest about your journey, the good, the bad and the ugly!
Beautifully written! Made me cry.
Now you need to build your faith in a living God who made you and will always love you as you are. Please try reading the devotional Jesus Calling. Start with the introduction and be faithful in reading the short page for each day. You can get it for your cell phone and the scriptures are all written out My personal struggles are strengthened when I lean closer to HIM through these daily devotions
Blessings to you and know you are loved
I have always been “small” or smaller than most… But struggle everyday to be healthy-to become stronger. To be happy with myself. As women, we compare ourselves to others and (for lack of a better word) it’s not fair to what we have accomplished as individuals. I work hard to maintain my size as I age and raise 2 girls of my own. People comment, “you must have a fast metabolism”. I just smile. I have to because I work hard. Everyday. I let them believe it’s just my metabolism because I don’t want them to compare themselves to me. It’s my struggle-and they have their own. No matter what I can say about my body, I can’t make them feel better about theirs. It’s your body, your life…treat it how it deserves, but don’t deprive yourself of living and enjoying it!
Well said. Mine has been a lifelong struggle also. I didn’t even keep it off after gastric bypass despite very much knowing exactly who I am and loving the person that I am. I think what has finally done it for me has been becoming vegan because it’s no longer about me anymore and also finally reporting being abused as a child 36 years ago. Buddhism helps me greatly as well. You sound very determined and emotionally intelligent in the sense that you have a really great idea of what your own individual issues are. You will get there!!!
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I manually approve all responses 🙂 That way, I get to read them all.
Sylvia said it best. You have a gift with words. If you are looking to fond who you are, then surely this must be a large part. Also, strong, determined, brave.
Well written, live for today, be thankful and happy with what you have, not what you dont have, thank you for remi ding us to love ourselves -:)
Reblogged this on The Weigh and commented:
So true
I love this! Thank you! I too thought that I had reached my after. People talk about the “old you” (myself included) that it’s this person that died, and that you are now some super hero, and maybe you were all along but you were always that other person, and you still are. It’s still a struggle, still very real. Nice to see there are others like us out there 🙂
Such incredible truth! The world is full of beautiful people learning to love themselves unconditionally and without the clause of “if I <work hard enough/weigh this amount/feel this happy/etc.) then I will love myself." It's so difficult and a journey I find myself deeply part of every day. Just be ❤
Brilliant post. Although no, these are not the same girls. These are two different girls: we are never the same, and this is why we are to struggle. You have changed yourself, so you are different now.
I have a question: what do you do to uncover your-new-self? Maybe you are afraid to begin to love yourself, because you are afraid to loose the stimulus for struggling? Because you don’t want to stop struggling, because you, actually, like your-present-self?
Looking forward for your posts on a new journey. How to love yourself. No… How to keep loving yourself.
Fantastic blog post! Thank you for sharing your journey 🙂 I’ve been at my goal weight for 4+ years. It’s always one day at a time. There is no -“Done”
Wow. How profound. I don’t have the words yet to respond in an eloquent manner, but wanted you to know that you made me stop and think. Stop and think about how I judge myself and others. Thank you. For your honesty and your bravery.
I too am trying to lose weight and have thought about what it would be like when I reach my goal. I’m stuck in a rut right now…. Only 2.5 months away from my wedding and not comfortable with my body what so ever. I hope the last 20 lbs come off so fast so I can look the way I have pictures myself on my wedding day… Which is not as I look now. Great post and very thought provoking.
Thank you so much for being so honest and writing this. I think what you have written is beautifully put. It takes a lot of time to realize that weight and the number on the scale was never an issue. I thank you for sharing this and it has been very inspiring to me. You’re a beautiful person in your before and after picture. I like how you put it :”Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different.”
Inspiring words as I seek to discover who I am at 58 and to understand my unhealthy relationship with food.
Love this! My advice to you during your next journey of discovering yourself is to travel! Backpack with a friend or a partner, but especially, by yourself! You will uncover so many things about yourself you never knew before. You will meet and befriend people who will teach you things you never dreamt of learning. You will experience cultures, spirituality, and most importantly, yourself!!
Oh my goodness….I can soooo relate! Thank you for sharing! You’ve put, eloquently, in to words what I’ve been feeling the past 6 months. People who haven’t seen me in ages go on and on about how great I look, and how great I must feel. I’m still me…I still feel like me. Every day I have to, still, be mindful of the food choices I make, and continue to push myself to choose to go to the gym. This is a life-long journey, and it’s taken me 2 years to realize that there is never an “after”.
Hear you loud and clear, and you ROCK!
I hear you.
I truly understand what you are saying! I have lost almost 100 lbs over the last 6 years and I still struggle. I actually struggle more. I was always the cute fat chick. I always had a good self esteem for the most part and the weight loss was really not about the way i looked but more to get healthy. I watched my grandparents die so unhealthy on both sides of my family. Diabetes, kidney failure, heart failure, etc. On both sides all the way back. My parents have always had issues and have been “old” as long as I can remember from being over weight. I wanted to get healthy for me and my kids.
Now it’s more about the way I look. I am much more aware of the way I look and a lot more self concious (sp). People don’t get lt either. Good luck with your journey!
Fantastic. “I must REcover myself…I must DIScover myself.” That really hits home.
Thank you for sharing your story! I wish you continued success and improvement as you continue on your journey, and an ever greater appreciation of all the wonderful aspects of life that are out there just waiting for you to experience. I am working on my own transformation, but I’ve consciously made myself focus NOT on losing weight, but rather on increasing health. It is very much an entire lifestyle change, and one which unfortunately often flies in the face of conventional practices and customs in our society, particularly in terms of eating and exercise habits, but it is absolutely worth it. I am feeling better both physically and mentally, and the results are noticeable. Although weight loss was not my goal, it has happened as a natural consequence of the changes I’ve made, and so far I’ve dropped more than 25 lbs, 4″ on my waist and one T-shirt size in the past 4 months, and for the first time in more than 25 years, I now weigh under 200 pounds! I mention this only because I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life, and none of the diets or programs I tried ever had lasting effects, and only now have I been able to break through that barrier, which previously seemed impossible.
What I needed in order to change was a better understanding of how my lifestyle was threatening my health, and what I needed to do, in order to counter that trend. It is a simple solution, though not an easy one – eat better and exercise more. I eliminated as many non-essential carbs from my diet as I could (sugar, pasta, breads, potatoes, corn and rice), and added more whole foods in terms of quality meats, fruits, veggies and legumes, while being more mindful of the size of the portions I ate. I also made a commitment to myself to exercise 30 minutes every day, whenever possible, and not necessarily high impact exercise, but simple exercises like using an elliptical machine, going for a walk, practicing yoga, etc. It was very difficult for the first several weeks, but once I broke my addiction to carbs (and I swear, it was an addiction in every sense, withdrawal and all), it started to get easier and I started feeling better, which gave me even greater motivation to keep going. Although I am happy about the weight loss and my appearance, what I’m most thrilled about is the improvement to my health overall. I was on course to developing a full blown case of diabetes and my cholesterol readings were reaching dangerous levels, but I’ve managed to push back on both of those to the point where my cholesterol is now within normal levels again, and my diabetes is completely under control without any insulin or other pharmaceuticals.
If I can make this kind of change in my own life, I absolutely believe without any doubt that others can do the same, by learning not just how – but why – it is so rewarding to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Life is a gift, and one that is here for us to enjoy, which makes it all the more important for us to value it and not simply throw it away. Living life to the fullest isn’t about cramming as much as you can into it – it’s about learning the fine art of doing it well, for yourself and your own body, in how you interact with others, and how you leave your mark on the world. None of us are perfect, but all of us are able to do even better than we think we can, when we put our minds to it. Keep it up, you’re doing great! 🙂
I understand! The weight goes but the anxiety starts! You are so brave to share this. I have never found anyone who would admit to what you (and I) experienced. I know there are others and your openness in sharing is so important.Thank you. I am praying for you. You WILL learn to love yourself! Don’t give up!
I hear you. I love what youve written and it makes me feel love for you, the you you looked like then during and after. You are strong beyond belief to live one day at a time hating yourself. I don’t care how I look, to a fault at times. But I hate myself because of my brain, my mental illness. I have been fighting for, begging for, praying for After for 20 years. But there is nothing to do but try to love the exact place my feet are on the ground, whether I am moving forward, backwards, sideways or in circles. If it’s my butt on the floor because I can no longer stand I have to learn to love that my butt is on the floor and that is me. I don’t know how to do it yet but I finally know that’s what I need to do. Thank you for reminding me there is no After. There is only the opportunity to love the me that is now. I am hearing you and bearing witness. We are fighting together with many others.
How dare you post about your weight loss as if it didn’t can get who you are. You’re healthier, you can actually participate in activities that require movement, your self esteem has to be through the roof. You should be ashamed of yourself, intend of sounding indignant, you should be incouraging young women to do the same. Explain that yes it was a hard road, you did and do can they. And honestly I think your full of crap trying to convince people that losing the weight had nothing to do with wanting to be more attractive. It’s ok for that to be a reason, he’ll that is what everyone wants is to look their best. So if you don’t have something uplifting or at least half way intelligent to say about weight loss, SHUT UP, the young people of today need positivity not the ” o wo is me ” bullshit your feeding them
I find it odd that you say I should spread positivity while simultaneously telling me I should be ashamed. I can only say that this blog is not meant to be negative; it’s meant to be real. And the real truth of the matter is that my weight issues are a symptom of a deeper disease. Treat the symptoms and not the disease, and eventually, the symptoms will come back. Treat the disease. The disease of self hatred. Treat that, learn to love myself, and not only will the symptoms resolve, but the change will be permanent. That’s the message of this blog. To look beyond the numbers.
Wow! Thanks so much for sharing!!! I can so relate to this whole seeking the “after” mantra. I fight my food addictions daily. I have to look at posts on Facebook to get motivated to leave my “office” (gym/home/electronic devices), and start my own workout. Got lots of “Likes” on my transformation pics from #MotivationMonday and #TransformationTuesday. What they don’t know is that #meVSme pictures are my way of reminding myself that I’ve done this prep thing before. Even though it’s been 17 months since I’ve stepped onto a competition stage, each prep is hard. It doesn’t get “easier” just because I’m a competition coach. The foods that I crave don’t magically turn into asparagus. I still cheat. The less I cheat the less cardio I have to do. Just bein’ real.
I recently went through ALL the pictures from my entire life, putting then into albums. I looked at the ones from my teens and wished I would’ve enjoyed the body I had then instead of thinking I was so fat. Now that I’m older and have had kids, of course I’m bigger than I was then. But I realized, “What about when I’m 80 and look at pictures of myself now? I’ll wish I would’ve enjoyed my healthy body that can do so many things, even if it was a little chubby.” So I decided to be happy with my body now, before time goes by and it gets worse and I’ll wish I would’ve appreciated what I had.
Hi, you don’t know me but i know you. Because i am you. I can’t even loose weight of it. It’s a constant struggle. I lost one all THE weight and thought i was going to be happy. But THE truth was i was only happy on THE outside. I convinced myself to be happy on THE inside..
So 2 years later it hit me right in THE face. I had a burn-out and couldn’t do anything more than crying and feeling sad noone understand my pain. I didn’t understand my pain. Now i begin to know That there is more to Life than weight issues. I have to live NOW not When i lost THE weight.. Thank you so much for putting it into words.. I Will print Your story and put it in my little writing book (where i only put happy things in and things to appreciate Life, my life..). I Will keep it close by as a reminder of what my journey Should be like. Not a number on THE scale but About ME.
Absolutely listening. That is a very fresh, and well needed perspective. Thank you for putting it out there. Good luck on your journey of discovery. You sound like you are, and will continue to be, an amazing thing to discover 🙂
This is amazing. Thanks.
Thank you. I am writing a book called ‘Largesse’, in which the heroine is a woman who uncovers herself. I honour you. 🙂
This is just what I needed to read tonight.
Thank you for sharing! I can relate to your story as I too was over weight and my goal was to look good. When I reached my goal I didn’t feel complete though and like you said it’s because we forgot the importance of the goal.
I just read your blog for the first time today and I wanted to say how much I appreciate your openness and honesty. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone while struggling through this ongoing internal battle with learning to love oneself.
I lost over 100lb in 2012-2013 and kept it off until 2014. I’ve slowly been gaining it back and none of my family or friend can understand why. WHY would even think about gaining the weight back after ‘all my hard work’ or that it had made me ‘such a different person’. I laugh every time someone says that to because losing the weight was not the hard part and it didn’t make me a different person. The hard part is learning to accept the ‘smaller me’. I’m still the same person but when I look in the mirror I don’t see the same person and it really messes with my head. After I lost the weight I had a very hard time even liking the slim woman in the mirror. She made me uncomfortable. Wasn’t this ‘new’ person supposed to be ‘different’? After all everyone kept telling me “you look so different’ or ‘you seem so much happier and stronger’. What?? Did I change that much? I didn’t think so. I did feel healthier and had loads more energy but it was still me. Because of all of this I’ve become very confused at who I’m supposed to be now and has resulted in me becoming insecure and somewhat of an introvert. Which is funny because when I was heavier I was confident and outgoing, or at least I gave off that impression.
Needless to say, I’ve started gaining weight back but this time I’m seeking help because I know it’s not a size or scale issue but an internal issue with me.
Basically this is a very, very long winded THANK YOU for reminding me I’m not alone in my journey and my self worth should not be dictated by a size, a number on a scale, or how others think I should feel.
Congrats on being a healthier you! I love your post because I think it can pertain to a lot more than weight loss. I hear you and I feel you.
Who you are is real, who you are is honest. From just this post I see determination, courage and spirit. Who you are has depth. Who you are is wonderful!! I hope you find the journey of discovering yourself an excellent journey. There may be days you don’t like who you are, but who you really are is found in the choices you make each day, each moment!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I am in this journey too, journey of loving living and being with me. As the pounds melt away all of the fears and unknown comes back up to the surface and a lifetime of running and hiding from what/who….from me from love….. I am finding that being mindful of me and feeling is an important daily minute by minute process. I too am Strong Worthy Loveable and I am no longer watching & waiting for an ending, but living in the moment of the journey.
Wow – this was so powerful to read. I’ve been working to be healthier for the last 2 years – physically, emotionally and mentally. Your words resonated with me so much. So far I have lost 200 lbs and the final small stretch has been just emotionally exhausting to commit to. I keep feeling like I need to finish what I started, but I guess I’ll never really be finished. I’ll always struggle with choices. Right now I feel like I’m floundering a bit. I hired a personal trainer last week to push me where I can’t seem to push myself. I was mortified to work out for only 45 minutes today, almost pass out (scaring my PT to death), followed by throwing up. There has to be a better balance – one where I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to in order to live a longer healthier life and one not involving extremes. Cause let’s face it – extreme behavior is what has made me so unhealthy to begin with. I will save your blog post and share it with my therapist when I see her tomorrow. I’m sure it will help us gain some additional insight into my current feelings and perhaps how to overcome them.
Happily ever after, as you show so well, is a wonderful notion and a fairy tale bit, not reality. Seems you’re doing great and you’re successful, realistic, motivated, confident: what more can anyone ask for really? Outside of a fairy tale…
Your words are true and strong. I, too, am on this discovery of me. My brain tells me all kinds of things. I finally am realizing that is is just today, this moment, this is me. I am a very good person and I am trying every day to love myself as best I can. Thank you for your beautiful self and may favor be granted to you. 🙂
Excellent point. We are always in the middle of things. And however our disdain for self manifests it unhappily is so unbelievably common in our culture and your story must resonate with so many people. So thank you for sharing.
I just want to share a reference that has helped me work through an understanding of shame in our culture: Men, Women and Worthiness, a talk you can get on audiobook by Brené Brown, PhD. She discusses shame and how it relates to what she calls our need for love and belonging as irreducible needs of men, women and children. She’s a fantastic communicator and phenomenal researcher.
Well said! It reminds me of a T.S. Eliot quote I love “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”. We are all on a journey to “now”! Thank you for your honest reflection!!!
Thank you for articulating this message/feeling so well. I really relate to this and have had trouble explaining to others how assumed compliments can be hurtful, without being made to feel ungrateful or self depreciating. This has been useful in getting my head around explaining myself, thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
You are beautiful, your mind, body and spirit! To be able to share your journey and articulate those words hits deep in my soul. May your angel wings continue to carry you on your journey and your spirt spread like the wind as encouragement and knowledge to all of us would fight the battle everyday. One step and day at a time.
Thank you for this, You have just said exactly what I was explaining to friends last night. Losing weight was hard but maintaining is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I struggle every day with the battle to control my weight and the negative thoughts that it brings and that’s hard, it effects everything. I wish it didn’t and I try and try and try to be positive for I have a husband that supports and adores me and 2 great kids. For anyone thinking losing weight will be the answer to all your dreams and prayers please be prepared. It may be just that and I congratulate you for getting that balance right but remember It’s a complete life change not just a diet. Learn to love the change as you lose weight and be prepared to keep working hard on you. It will be worth it though so keep going. Thank you again for your inspiration. I lost 78lb to get to my goal and have been trying to maintain for 13 years this year. Xx
Reblogged this on Kell Frillman and commented:
Well, fuck. This girl just said every fear I have ever had in regards to my dissatisfaction with my body and with how I am perceived by others, and how at times I have perceived myself, because of it.
Thank you for sharing your story It gave me chills, mostly because I can relate. “I am here now” is one of my favourite mantras. You are a beautiful soul and may your message reach all the girls & women in the world!
Lovely blog, keep it up honey. I have gone through this myself and i understand where you are coming from x good luck with your journey xxx
You are an incredibly gifted and wise writer. Thank you so much for sharing this incredibly moving piece that evoked so many emotions related to my weight loss journey. I host The Choosing2Change Podcast which launched a few months ago and features in-depth interviews from people who have overcome tremendous obstacles to transform their lives. I would love for you to consider being a guest as soon as we could make it work for your schedule. Could you contact me at nolan@choosing2change.com so I can share with you more details? Thank you so much again for the incredible post!
Went on that journey. Discovered all those wretched things-much to my shock and frustration. And now heading back. Losing the idea of the After. Just being, learning to love. Thanks for the honesty! You helped me.
You certainly are a srong person! I hope you “find ” yourself, love yourself. We are all living life and only a few can say that they have and do. I’ve always been slim but always fought with myself to stay that way thinking should I let go I would end up at your before. I have always been looking for myself too and hoping that one day I would be content, what am I looking for? I don’t know, maybe we all need to give ourselves a break and embrace ourselves and try to just be happy and healthy in our skin. Enjoy your life hun you are a beautiful person xxx
I thought I was the only one who thought that. I have hit my goal many times in life.. and then its like… ok now what.. i dont need to loose wt anymore. its almost like I need to gain some back to get back in my comfort zone of needing to loose wt again to have a purpose or occupy my mind. crazy. thank you so much for sharing . you are not alone and now Iknow I am not either!
I hear you. I feel you. I see you. I wish you peace and heart-healing.
Thankyou. Thankyou for your honesty, your rawness, your inner perfection that was and is always there. Xxx
thank you for writing this. It is mind blowing and sooooooo true. I am on my journey too.
Wow! This was so beautifully written! The sentence that u lost the weight faster than u could deal with the underlying disease was so powerful bc I am right there…struggling with the underlying disease still over two years later! Thanks for sharing. This post meant so much to me.
im in a similar boat..developed a happy face and as i grew up secretly started to hate my self and i covered it so well that it became all automatic and i forgot that i hated my self.the self distructive mode operated in many aspects of my life and i had no clue and because i also had a talented artistic extrovertes creative side, i confused that with secure and liking myself. but i only liked the surface as i was not able to see underneath. i had so many problems and i just got continual issues with health untill it got sooo bad that it finally got my attention and i saw what was driving my descisions and now though still sore, i am gaining acceptance for me..all of me. loving me.
There are so many of us
Robin, there sure are….and it completely amazes me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since first reading this blog and the raw, honest, real comments that followed. Women with weight loss issues are hurting, even after- especially after – the loss. While my own weight loss journey was only one of 25 lbs, I too had been the overweight, just a bit too heavy girl all my life and finally took it off for good. Now my desire is to help others….. I have a blog and am wondering if there is a need for a lot of blogs out there on this topic so we can all help one another?
I know exactly where you are coming from and going. It is hard I have heard the same things people are telling you though I lost heaps of weight and inches there is still me inside. It is a long slow journey past weight loss. I am here to tell you its worth it. To discover and be able to be the old and new you in one body is what it is all about but remember the old you brought you to the new you and both parts have changed and grown learning to love both sides is worth striving for one day at a time and sometimes 5 minutes. Feel free to add me on fb would love to hear your story and share mine Thank You for this post cause it reminds me where i came from and struggles i went through.
One step at the time
How poignant. How well put. You made me cry… for the you “before”… I’ve been there (a number of times – at the moment, I’m back at the “before” stage) and I’ve always mourned the me before even though I always hated her at the time I was in it. Everyone else congratulating the you after makes you feel as though the you before was never loved, accepted and respected. How sad and unfair. What a contradiction. What a terrible confusion….
Absolute. Truth. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently. For all of us.
I hear ya! Roar, woman, roar! I’ve been overweight just about all my life. I lost 80 pounds last year because I became homeless and had to spend a Lot of hours walking the streets in all kinds of weather! Is this a ‘diet’ I’d recommend? Not particularly. But guess what? I discovered that a lot of my personal problems were from trying to fit into a society that doesn’t suit me. I have been MUCH happier being homeless than I have ever been housed!! Happily pursuing life on a whole new set of terms now!! Good luck in your self-discovery process. It won’t always be fun but I bet you’ll find it worthwhile!! Yay, you! Yay me! Yay Life!
Congratulations to you and you have hit the nail on the head – some of us are still hiding behind the weight and know its all about what is inside us that is the problem – and losing weight won’t change that. As you say – we will still be the same person who began the journey – albeit fitter, stronger and more determined. Have strength and carry on – you are worth every moment of your journey.
WoW! Great insight, great writing. I hear you and appreciate your willingness to share this. Cathartic, eh? I am on this weight loss path behind you. I value your perspective and will heed your thoughts. Thanks!
Beautifully written. I have the same struggles. I also hated seeing how much better people treated me when I was thin after I lost weight & then I ended up gaining it back. Now I feel even worse than before. Now I recognize the difference. I value the people in my life more at a higher weight than I do at a lower weight. I know they didn’t judge me for my looks. & it is such a struggle. I applaud you for having the courage to tell the world. You’re not alone. It’s hard to love yourself after you’ve beat yourself up for so long.
I hear you..
Wow!! I love your insight would you mind if I share your story with young girls!
Yes. 💜
Reblogged this on Realology and commented:
This post is everything. Such an important read. Thank you for the honesty! If you’ve ever struggled with your weight, please read.
Oh I hear you! I hear you loud & clear…
I’ve been four years at ‘after’ & you’ve just made me realise why I still struggle with it not being ‘enough’…
Thank you 💕
Pingback: What’s Waiting at the End of the Weight Loss Journey? | BulgingButtons
THANK YOU for writing this! As someone who made a large body transition by losing 100 pounds after literally blood, sweet and tears through a very disciplined lifestyle change, I got too thin.” To the point where family and friends were concerned I may have had a form of eating disorder. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns in the skinny girl world. Needing to gain back weight after working so hard to lose it was just as hard. Good luck with all you do. You are beautiful inside and out no matter what size you are.
Very interesting and moving last post. Love your blog. Now that you have reached your goal, go get yourself a new interest, an new focus, a new hobby! 🙂
Wow, I totally get you….! You are beautiful! Now, and befor! Greetings from the Netherlands
Wow I hear you! Beautifully said, I too am on a similar journey of my own and my proud moments are when I say ‘no’ to something offered to eat without feeling sad! My joy is being able to sit comfortably in a bus seat! I think it’s vital to love yourself at all your stages! You are strong and you can!!! It is the now and the everyday now that’s important!
I am on the same journey, and I have discovered after three years that I finally was able to accept who I have always been. I still work on my weight and will for the rest of my life. Thank you for your honesty and helping me to remember the size I am aiming for is not just a goal, it’s a way of life that includes more physical activity and better food choices.
Thank you. Beautiful. Heartbreaking. Honest. Thank you.
Just had to throw in an f-bomb at the end, I guess? No other word would express what you wanted to say? So wearisome! Otherwise, a great post!
lol I debated it. It’s the first one I’ve ever used on this entire blog. I appreciate the feedback. I promise it is not habit 🙂
I hear you. I’ve never heard anything like this before. It’s powerful, and probably more accurate than any other thing I’ve read on weight loss, and/or personal discovery. Thank you for sharing.
wow! This is the best, most honest expression about weight loss I have ever read. I too struggle with myself. It always hurts when people talk about how I need to lose weight, like I am not a viable human being unless I do. My Dr keeps encouraging me to get a gastric bypass but I tell her that I would still have the same issues. I got this way because I am an emotional eater. My emotions can not be fixed with surgery. I always leave the appointment feeling ashamed.
Thank you for such honesty.
Thank you for being authentic. Blogs, twitter and FB often show only the best version of ourselves. So it’s wonderful that you’re being real so the rest of us who struggle can relate.
And we all struggle with something. We are imperfect people who are here for a purpose. To grow and learn. One of the best ways I’ve heard of describing this yearning, this search for happiness/fulfillment/feeling loved/accepted…fill in your own individual blank….is we are trying to fill a Christ sized hole with everything else that just won’t fit. I encourage you (and everyone) to reach out to the Lord and see where He takes you. It’s not fancy, just a prayer of acknowledging Him and asking Jesus to reveal himself in your life. That you can see yourself and the world thru his eyes. It’s all about love and He loves you so very, very much. If you’re a bookie, maybe start with “Letters From a Skeptic” by Greg Boyd. Then if you want to go old school awesome, pick up anything by CS Lewis, but “Mere Christianity” is great.
You’re amazing! Will be so awesome to see how God will use and fulfill you if you let Him. And if you already are a sister in Christ, wahoo! I’ll see you on the other side some day. Keep your eyes on Him, in the Bible and with a trusted group of fellow believers. You are loved!!
I hear you loud and clear. I’m afraid I will never know the “after” everyone speaks of. Losing weight messes with my brain. I never saw the loss, just the “old me” trying to peak thru what everyone called the new better me.
I hear you, I am you. You’re so not alone.
Wow… At 51 years old and 330ish pounds I sooo hear you! I’ve been heavy my entire life. It’s who I am my extra pounds define me. My struggle to find myself has started and stopped so many times. In my life I have found security in my weight. No relationships, bad relationships, ended relationships, promotions, travel opportunities… It’s been so easy to use my weight as an excuse. The recent loss of my father, who I have taken care of through two years of cancer treatment and the fact that I will be retiring from a 33 year teaching career soon have me in an impending tailspin. I’m not a wife. I’m not a mother. I’m not a caretaker. I won’t be a teacher. Who or what will I be?? And there it is again… Fat. I can be fat. I’ve been there for 51 years… It’s safe there. It’s comfortable there.
Very well written and so true……as I journey with my health, I am realizing that the weight is just another one of those things I need to get to the root cause of. Doctors want to throw pills at my illnesses, but I want to find out what the cause is and fix that……I realize, I should find the root cause and treat that and then there hopefully won’t be a weight “problem”.
Well said! Remember that you are not your body – you are so much more! As you say, you are about to discover yourself, and when you do – when you see your true self – you will also be able to love yourself. And then perhaps you can see a healthy body not as a must (an obligation to people around you), but as a gift to yourself. Mental and physical health go hand in hand; USE your physical health to strengthen the mental health, and vice versa! Again – not as a must, but as a gift!
“You” and “Her”, as you put it, are of course the same – and yet they are not, because we are all changing – all the time. Eaven though you don’t want to see your work with your body as an achievment, you have proof of your inner strength, especially since this journey haven’t been an easy one.
Always love yourself – you deserve it!
I hear you and so do a lot of others. I believe it was Roseanne Barr who was asked (after she lost weight) “at your heaviest did you always feel like there was a skinny girl waiting to get out?” She replied “no, sitting here right now I feel like there is a fat girl waiting to come out.” The audience laughed but she wasn’t. I know your journey. I’ve been on it most of my life. Turning 60 this year and FINALLY learning it is not about getting to a number but loving yourself. You have learned this at a much earlier stage in life – good for you! Well written blog and I wish you much continued success – however YOU define success!
PS – I absolutely loved your “f-ing” statement!
Reblogged this on Being At Home with Myself and commented:
Wow– the thing everyone thinks but is afraid to say–what happens now? Unless we realize our worth, regardless of size or circumstance, the journey is never over.
“I am the goal.” Powerful. Thank you for sharing.
I am scared to death to lose the weight. Everyone tells me I have a dynamite personality, I am loving, caring, funny….but I need to lose about 70 pounds. I have not had a date in 3 years since my divorce and I have been told by more than one it is my weight. Because the rest of me is amazing. So….what if I lose the weight and still don’t get a date. Then I will know I just wasn’t good enough all along….it had nothing to do with 70 pounds. I am not desperate for a man. But I would like to share my life with someone. The weight is the issue in my mind….but is it REALLY the issue. Thank you for sharing your story. It has touched me to my core.
I hear you, I have been you. This is what helped me (not that you asked but here it is): learning food. For me what that ment was accepting my love of food and learning about “real” good food. My new motto is not : lose weight, but instead: play in the dirt. Growing food and being part of the whole process is not only delicious, but fun and a great way to exercise without exercising =) picking fresh cabbage, celery, peppers, onions… turning them into a zesty slaw: delicious magic. Getting your hands dirty and watching things grow, calming. I have never before felt “right” in my body till now. I am not my thinnest, nor my biggest… I am losing weight but not stressing (which in itself is new and odd) but more then that: I like me. I am happy with me. Each meal had become a “look what I can do” moment. Each bite: I did that! When I look I’m the mirror I see growth… and pruning, but it has a new feel, that doesn’t make me feel shameful. I can’t say it will work for you: but I am loving living it and it has changed me.
I so appreciate your honesty in sharing your journey and pray you’ll never stop discovering YOU! We are made in God’s image and we are all beautiful, powerful, intelligent and loving! I was going to share your story with a presentation I’m doing for a public high schooler audience I’m doing tomorrow morning but the one Fbomb prevents me from doing so. Any chance you would edit that?
Please don’t ask her to change her magnificent voice! Modify your presentation and acknowledge that change accordingly.
I can hear you and I can feel you. Needless to say that in all pictures you look beautiful. Every woman I’ve ever met shares a similar journey: hating her body (or some part of it), trying to lose (and sometimes gain) weight, and regardless of weight, there’s still this body dissatisfaction and food/exercise negative mentality that doesn’t seem to ever disappear (even when they are good days). I feel your agony and I can hear you, the way I hear the little voice in my head that says I’m not good enough. BUT your voice makes me feel stronger because we’re in it together xxx HUGGS!!!
Excellent post. About a year ago, I was exactly where you are now, not regarding the weight loss but trying to like/love me. I think for many people this is to do with messages we receive from others in our childhood about ourselves that become deeply engrained in our psyche. At least that’s what it was for me anyway being raised by a mother whose words and actions always told me that I wasn’t as important as my brothers. What turned my thinking around and taught me how to self love was working through mp3s on quantum freedom healing that I downloaded from an Australian lady called Melanie Tonia Evans. I listened to each one over and over until I had gotten rid of all the ‘junk’ that I had carried from childhood that was holding me back from being happy and appreciating myself for who I am. I am not affiliated with her in any way but just sharing what worked for me as I was glad I stumbled upon her website when I needed to work on learning to love me! It was a long process and took a lot of commitment and hours of work but really worth it as I see myself in a different, better light than I did a year ago. I wish you all the best with finding, loving, being you 🙂
Good gracious, if ever there was a time to use a word that’s powerful when used sparingly, that was it! I can’t imagine why anyone would take issue with it. Fantastic post and you’ve clearly spoken to myriad people who feel the same way; what a service you have done. You look beautiful in all the photos you’ve posted, but perhaps it’s a focus on looks that makes it so hard to feel grounded and happy. Look at what a wonderful writer you are, what a gift. I hope your writing helps you find a powerful sense of self.
Hun, I am in the very beginning and I understand. Every pound I lose is like grieving a friend. My fat rolls protected me from the leering of a sexual predator. My numbers shouted at him to stay away. He is gone now, but not forgotten, and my relationship with men has not improved. Every day is a challenge in redefining me both inside and out. I have to decide new levels of what’s acceptable to me. You are not alone. My daughter and I are working together, you can follow us at mommy and kaylee transformation diary on facebook. I’d like to keep in touch because I believe we can help each other.
Wow! I am, once again, embarking on a weight loss journey. I have failed every time I’ve tried in the past 10 years. I wonder if I sabatage my weight loss because I am scared. Scared because I have lived my life thinking everything will be better when the weight is gone. I know I’m lying to myself. Thanks for your insights!
thank you for this. You have explained exactly what I’ve gone through. My after is not here after 9 years. I was 242lbs and today I am between 117-120 depending on the day. It’s a daily struggle. I’ve lost the weight baggage but am still learning to live my body and myself. I thought going from a size 22 to s size 2 would do that but it hasn’t. I still go into a department store and cannot find clothing to fit. At 5’1 I still have to purchase clothing at specialty shops and tailor everything else. I am inspired by your blog. Thank you
Such a courageous blog. You are an amazing young woman! Wishing peace and joy on your journey of discovery.
I wanted to encourage you. I know about not always loving yourself. I have found there is oonly one way to learn to do this and that is to learn to love Jesus Christ. When I began to learn how awesome He is and how much He loves me, I could learn to love and accept myself for who He made me, struggles and all. It is terribly freeing and I pray you go in search of Him. Find out who He is. Take care.
Wow. This really hits home for me. I absolutely hear you.
You have the right of it from someone who had lost and gained hundreds of pounds over 45 years. Just image what you can now do with the mental energy you’ve expended on the extreme focus it took to transform your body. That energy is now yours to do with as you wish and you have a better fit body to execute your dreams. You’re hunger is still there and can only be filled with a life balance of Body, Mind and Soul. Is there an element that is out of balance? Jesus is the missing link for me. I pray that you find what will “Fill” you. All the best~
Thank you for saying this – Jesus is the missing link for most folks- that’s what breaks my heart reading these posts of gals who are struggling so deeply with who they are before, during, after and somewhere in between…. they need Him who can heal and bind those wounds securely. I always tried to fill the hole with food instead of with Him, but He does a much better job of things!
Congratulations! I’ve been there, too. Stop worrying about the disease, get out and do things that make you happy! Try something new every day. Ifind passions that consume you more than food does. If you can’t find them, try finding activities that help others, and watch the results. Negative thoughts are overcome exactly the same as pounds are – through grit, determination, and constant vigilance. You’ve had the strength for the latter, so you’re more than capable of tackling the former. Find ways to pull you out of yourself, and into the world you want to live in. Find activities that make your brain stop spinning the old, negative records, that make you focus in the moment. Give the same care and concern to being beautiful inside (which you are, but you must come to recognize it yourself) as you have to being beautiful outside. Be well!
My friend, a really wonderful book that you need to read is called “captivating” by Jon and Stasi Eldridge!
Also “Made to Crave” by Lisa TerKeurst!
YES to both!
I had my surgery going on 4 years ago, and I still haven’t lost the “desired” amount of weight. Once I got myself down to just under 200 pounds, I felt for a period of time complete. I felt beautiful, and I became a conceited person. I started to hate who I was. I was so evolved with myself and found myself making fun of the people who I just a year prior had been the same size as I was. I had to take a step back and evaluate myself. I’ve stopped being that person. I hated her. Now I struggle with body image. I still feel like I have more weight to lose. I hate looking at my sagging, loose stomach, and my flabby legs, which I feel are still too big. Although I became a healthier person weight wise, my mind finds things for me to pick apart.
Last year, my husband and I ended our marriage due to him being unfaithful – and I’ve since become involved in a new relationship. Which in itself has struggles. He’s not the typical man that I would have been attracted to before, and I struggle with my identity being with him. He’s a tall, slender man, who I find exceptionally good looking – and when I look at myself, I struggle to understand why “someone like him would want to be with someone like me”. He tells me every day I’m beautiful, and does everything he can to show he cares beyond words – but I hate my body so much, that I struggle. I don’t let him see me naked. I cover as much as I can when we go out, as we live in a small town, and his ex girlfriends are all extremely slender women. To them, I’m fat. To me, I’m still fat. Although they may or may not judge me, I ridicule myself far worse than they could imagine. I’m always feeling judged. He tells me all of the time that he’s jealous of the men that stare at me, and in my mind, they’re not staring because I’m attractive. I feel they’re staring in ridicule.
I can relate to your image. 4 years ago, I was the girl who was “pretty for my size” and still needed to lose a few pounds. I was 340 pounds at my heaviest. The day of surgery. So even still, I see myself as the girl who still needs to lose a few pounds… the girl who is pretty for her size. I don’t see anything beyond that as hard as I try. I’ve lost who I am in the midst of losing the weight, and strive every single day to find things who identify who I am as a person.
Wow. I so related to that post. I have been very fat and very thin. At my thinnest times, I’ve never felt thin; I felt like the same neurotic mess who used food as a salve and exercise as punishment, diet as The Answer. Eight years ago I was the thinnest I had beem since a teenager and I thought I’d suddenly be filled with confidence and go charging into the world. But that didn’t happen. I felt EXACTLY the same but with smaller pants. EXACTLY the same. It was disappointing and confusing. Today, after regaining all the weight but doing major soul searching, recovery work and therapy, I feel good. I love myself no matter what size I’m am. I don’t wince at old photos, postpartum and otherwise. I actually have compassion and love for myself which is major. Thank you for sharing your story.
Wow, I have been listening to Abraham-Hicks for 16 yrs, and just recently embodied the truth that we have to get happy and then… Doing whatever it takes to be happy is my priority, and in the high vibration, the energy that creates worlds can be accessed. This post confirms that without inner happiness, no matter how the external looks, life is way harder than it needs to be. You can google Abraham, youtube and any subject. Listening and then actually applying the teachings to my very own vibration, moment to moment, is shifting my experience of life completely. Thanks for sharing, and I share with you that lightening up happens from the inside out and vibration is everything. ❤
Fantastic post. Very inspiring and such a great reminder that we are so much more than a number on a scale.
I CAN HEAR YOU. And I see you, every iteration of you. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and [en]during with us.
I am on a journey for a smaller self and have struggled the whole time with Who am I? I have always been the bigger girl in the group and it terrifies me to be the “normal size.”
I hear you! I completely understand your struggle. It’s not over just when a number shows up on the scale. Far from it. Have you heard of or read anything by Geneen Roth? Her writing about weight loss and how it’s mostly mental completely resonated with me and helped me begin my journey of shedding 25 lbs. I highly recommend reading her book titled, “Women, Food and God”. I saw myself in print on almost every page. Get to one of her retreats if you can afford it. But, READ that book! (and she’s written others – read them ALL). The best line in the book was, and I’m paraphrasing – “If you don’t understand WHY you’re eating, you’ll eventually get to your goal weight and you’ll be a thin person who’s happy for five minutes”. BRILLIANT! The loss isn’t the goal. It’s getting to know why we eat, what to replace it with, who we are without having a diet goal always hanging out there for us like a carrot before a horse, and learning to love who we are, That takes way more than a needle on a scale to figure out.
Awesome read. I totally understand. I have lost a lot of weight and got close to the goal weight and gained a little back, not near as much as I lost thankfully. I think the thought of no longer needing to lose weight scared me. Maintaining is scarier. The mental aspect of losing weight is harder than actually losing weight. You are still the same person with the same problems. A lot of friends and family don’t understand that. My life was not bad before losing the weight, I was not healthy, but I was for the most part happy though. The parts of my life that I do/did not love were and still are there. I have had to learn that I will always be a work in progress.
Dear….just realized I don’t know your name. Dear Dear,
Thank you for your blog, for sharing your journey. So many of us resonate with every word you wrote and it gives us strength to see it, read it, receive it in this way. Clear, brave, audacious. I feel you. My way of living it was writing a little song. And I wanted to share it with you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdqjSmr6WR4
I support you. I love you. And I don’t even know you. But that’s what happens when you are willing to put yourself out there in such a vulnerable way. People fall in love with you. Bless you. Keep on.
Love every word. Hello beautiful person. I like you.
Those words..they echo me. So powerful, so true, and so insightful.
i had a goal to run a marathon. I did that. Then felt the same way as you describe. Goals by definition are periods of time. There’s still the before, and after. Don’t diminish your accomplishment, you set a goal, you did it. What you didn’t do, and what many fail to do, is think about the after. That’s depressing, just google “post-marathon Blues”. I did this and couldn’t figure out why I was so down after completing such a monumental goal. It’s because the “after” is not an after, it’s another beginning. So now, you’re in this big field of possibilities and wondering which way to go. You do the same thing you did three years ago, set a new goal. Life is an evolving process of discovery. You’ve gained insight, now go gain more. Because as long as you’re alive, you’re given an opportunity to make each day better than the one before.
Hi! I’m so excited to have found your blog. I plan to work back from your first posts and catch up but was wondering if you took up an exercise plan as well as the Weight Watchers? Thanks!
Hi there. I do remain active, but I choose activities that aren’t your traditional “working out.” I ride horses, mostly. Also, I’ve taken up hiking, trying to bike to close-by locations, and I do Krav Maga once a week now, but all of that has been recent. Horseback riding once or twice a week was the only real activity I was doing while losing weight.
Reblogged this on DK Gets Fit and commented:
A very important read.
I couldn’t have expressed myself better
I feel pretty much the same way
There is no after only today
Reblogged this on lifezeal and commented:
Found this blog by a fellow wordpress blogger. And, chika, she is incredible, inspirational, and right on the money. Here’s to today!
What a wonderful post. You are recognizing a process that is never ending. We are our biggest (no pun intended) critic. If you are like me I found that I was hiding behind my weight. There were many things that my weight kept me from doing and I didn’t even realize that I was using it as a crutch instead of just saying I don’t want to do that. Also my weight kept me on the straight and narrow. I couldn’t go out and drink heavily because no one would be able to or want to help the fat lady, I certainly couldn’t make poor choices in one night stands because no one was interested in the fat lady and I had plenty of reasons to avoid awkward social events based on weight.
I am now in the process of losing by barrier (weight) and am learning to love myself no matter how much I weigh
what you said! 🙂
I hear you. My own change was not as dramatic – 5’10”, 200 lbs to 155 – but I know all about the myth of “After.” “During” makes the change a lifestyle adjustment… but doesn’t make the love of self any easier. I look in the mirror and still appear overweight.
One day at a time.
I can hear you. Thank you for expressing what this feels like for those of us, me, who haven’t been able to put it into words. Your experience has rocked my world. Thank you for finding your voice and making a difference … because you do. You are beautiful inside and out and yes, you are fucking strong!
Yes, I hear you. Thank you for posting. I am where you started. I hate myself, what I’ve done to myself over the years. I was 160 lbs in high school and got teased badly for being “fat”. I gave up. I am ready to reclaim my life. I am in therapy to learn to love myself. I have been on the journey to have gastric bypass since 2013 after my Mom passed away. I finially see the surgeon tomorrow to get my surgery date. I am addicted to food and feel I need a tool to help me shed this weight. I am at 323lbs down from 398 in July 2012. Your blog has really resonated with me and I’m glad I discovered the awareness that I will always need to work on me.
You’re incredible brave. Thank you for sharing your story and your struggle. It applies to so broadly to anything about which we think “before” vs. “after”. Brava, you! The struggle to love ourselves, to even know ourselves, is a huge human struggle which most people are either numbing out to or just ignoring or writhing with pain about internally somewhere in themselves. It always expresses itself, and some of us express it partly with body insulation. (Me, too.) I think that’s one of the least destructive ways to handle it: holding extra weight. As hard as it is, I’m glad that has been my struggle vs. something worse.
I became quite slim for my body once, and I felt like a raw, exposed nerve. It was terribly vulnerable for me. I wasn’t prepared or ready for the attention (and type of attention) or for just meeting the world with less insulation. There was a rawness to everything. I ended up gaining back some weight quickly due to comfort eating under stress, and it compounded over the years to the point that I’m back now to about where I started – older, but also hopefully a bit wiser. Your blog post is an important reminder for me.
You have discussed your own journey so beautifully. This human thing is hard. Casting off our crutches in this world is hard. Progress is not linear. Some of us are just more conscious of it and grapple with it more deeply – it’s how we are built. But I believe we are also built for developing the inner resources we may need to manage through it and end up being able to shine a light for others – as you have so eloquently done. Keep being you and expressing yourself into the world. It needs you in it, being you – however that evolves. ^_^
Rock on. 🙂 Your/my/our/everyone’s goal should be to be happy and healthy. If that is at a heavier weight then OK Healthy AND happy. Keep on trucking… you’ll get there.
Thank you. Just thank you. That’s what I needed.
Your story is poignant, raw, and powerful! I just wrote on my blog about the need to step away from calorie counting, and the need to change our relationship with food and exercise. I write on body image and changing our mindset when it comes to what we see in the mirror.
I am on a mission to tell Body Image stories. To encourage the world to share their story so that others realize they are not alone. I would LOVE to feature you. You are Brave, and Oh So Worthy.
I Can Hear You. ❤
You have made remarkable progress toward your health. I want to say something that I have learned in my life. I have learned that who I am is not what my body looks like. I want to tell you how I came about this understanding. I don’t have a weight problem and never have. People have made fun of my looks for years, but there is one thing about my looks that may surprise you after I just said that. I am considered “beautiful”. Growing up people made fun of me and when I was a teen I grew to be 5’8″ tall, with long blond hair, full lips, big eyes, curvy shape, and eventually became a model. I wanted what I think most everyone want’s “true Love”. To Love and be Loved, that was what was so important to me. Everyone wanted a piece of me. I attracted both men and women without doing anything. I have been valued and hated for what I look like, not who I am. There was a time when it did go to my head and I basked in the glory of my beauty. I soon found I was in a prison. I had to be “her” all the time, or disappoint all my thronging fans. I couldn’t just let it hang and be myself. In fact, I didn’t know who “myself” was. My identity was based on what I looked like and that was one of the most isolating and loneliest experiences I have ever known. When my darling mother died, I was devastated. I have been to the darkest hell and have somehow found my way back. Grief rewrote my address book and I am grateful for this. Everyone who I thought was someone, turned away or on me and I found myself completely alone. It was one of the most liberating experiences I have had up to now. Grief scraped the barnacles that had attached themselves to me and were sucking the life out of me. At first without others I felt a miserable wretch and good for nothing. But then I began to “discover” the real me as time passed. I am a kind and giving person, a Loving person. I don’t need anyones admiration of my looks, my gifts or who I am. I am Loved by the best, me. Andrea
Excellent blog, the reason you feel the way you do is tied in with your self image which i believe you’ve started to understand. I highly recommend you read the book Psyco cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, everything will make sense about not only weight loss but life in general. Becoming self validated and having core confidence is the greatest journey you’ll undertake, and will be 100 times more rewarding.
Thank you for your courageous post, and for sharing your journey. I can relate. I remember times in college when I shed the excess weight, and suddenly, the people I was desperate to have attention from finally noticed me. It disgusted me, because it was so obvious that they had no true appreciation for who I am– just the body I wear. But then… I didn’t accept myself as I was either. Then, or all these years later. In the past 2 years I have lost 50+ pounds to reach my ideal weight, and then gained 70 pounds back after being laid off and slipping into depression. It all comes back to the struggle between loving myself and hating myself. I wish I had the answer. After I lost all the weight, the goal of “maintaining” did not engage me like the challenge of losing the weight. It was like the sadness you feel at the end of an epic vacation (the kind where you climb a mountain or something, not sit on a beach and drink), or like coming to the end of a really good book. I never figured out how to live once I “got there.” I hope you do, and I hope you continue to share your journey with us. Your vulnerability is strength, don’t ever doubt it.
If you enjoy podcasts, I find the HalfSizeMe show wonderful for the unicorns from the land of “after.” There is also a community and the focus is maintaining. http://www.halfsizeme.com/
Thank you so much for finding a way to put into words what has been haunting me. As I was reading I felt as if you were finding the words In my heart. These ideas will be appearing in my journal for some time.
WOW! This post really resonates with me in a BIG way! I’ve always had “needs to lose weight” as part of my identity and though lately that’s been changing to “needs to be healthy”, it still implies an unhappiness with a part of who I am. I am scared to change and become a person I can’t imagine being, have never known. Your honesty really helped put that struggle into words and recognize that I’m still me, will always be me and am always changing and that’s ok. 🙂
Beautiful truth.
Awesome blog, the reason you feel the way you do is tied in to your self image, which it sounds like you’re already understanding. I highly recommend Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Once you understand how your self image can propel you or hold you back everything about weight loss and more broadly life, will make sense. Becoming self validated, with true inner core confidence will be the greatest journey with the most rewards in your life.
I love this post – yay there is SO much more to life than the scale. Such freedom to be and love who YOU (and me) are !! Woohoo …..
Our identity is often wrapped up in “what” we are in stead of “who” we are. At 220 lbs I struggle getting to the “why its worth it”….when thinner, there is more attention, more travel hassles when I am on the road alone, and yet I know I prefer health which is not 220. having been 127 and 220, I’d pick healthier every time…but probably in my mind this round its more at 50 at 145…healthy but not so focused on a specific weight.
This is the day I have, so living the life I want to live is this one, and if I can improve circumstances or health as I go, then I am working to focus that it is the small actions that make the big picture nd that is not dependent upon weight.
Thank you for your post, it means much to me.
Listen to me…the fact that you are so clear in your thoughts, shows that you are more ‘after’ than you thought, but you are right, and you are smart to think about today, and what is to come…INSIDE! You sound like a remarkable human being, and though I don’t know you, I feel so proud of you and your strength and determination of loving yourself. You rock girl. Keep it going, and going and going. I agree there is no after for any of us, as what we should really be, is who we are today, and hope to be a better us tomorrow! Be well! 🙂
I hear you. I so get this. When I got down to goal, I realized I was still defining myself as Before. Only now I was saying to new people, the ones who’d never seen me 60 pounds ago, that I’d lost 60 pounds. It was a real eye opener. I somehow couldn’t just see myself as me. Just me.
Flash forward to having gained 40 back, and I am focusing on getting to goal again, this time with the knowledge that the REAL goal is to be here now. That as you said, it is all during. That I am still me, no matter what the number.
Thanks so much for this post, it feels comforting to realize that I’m not the only one who has felt this.
I hear you.
wow….I feel kind of naked after reading that post this morning. I’m nearing the end of a 90 day challenge, after which I hoped to arrive at an “after” once and for all. I am progressing, but it looks like nine months is going to be more realistic to reach my goal weight and body fat levels! Your revelation, while sobering, brings me encouragement. In the process of choosing deliberately what I eat and what I do & how I train, I have stumbled upon several surprising instances of finding new love for myself. In yoga class, where I felt pretty vulnerable and certainly not pretty, I was shocked to discover myself leaving the class loving my body or is it more. This was 70 days ago! I was still extremely the size I did not want to be! But my instructors invited me to love my body. They touched me, I mean literally touched me, with such reference that I could not help but respect this vessel in which a living and I am dwelling.
I wonder if you know how much you have helped me. You are a gifted writer, and you have touched me today. I am left with A good question: how can I better choose to love me? Jesus behaved as if I’m worth it. I believe I must deserve it. God commands me to do it. Thank you for your provocative nudge. Bless you in your journey
Here’s the thing. You DO love yourself. Otherwise you would not have persevered to lose the weight. Even those of us who have always been normal weight have trouble loving ourselves. It’s a journey we’re all on!
You said so much in your blog that rings true for so many of us. Like you said there is no pot of gold at end of rainbow. Thank you so much for posting this. I hope you someday find yourself and I will be on the journey with you. Take care and have a great day
Thanks for pointing out it’s about self love and Body Love. So many amazing young women – of all kinds of sizes – are blogging and writing about Body Love. I’m working to love myself regardless of the number on the scale.
I would say that this is a common story for girls and boys alike. Even grown men these days are finding themselves held to ridiculous body standards set by media.
Awesome
Did you have a lot of extra skin?
I do, yes, especially on my abdomen. I plan to have it removed after I’ve had children as the excess skin can cause infections. (TMI sorry!) But no point removing it NOW since I don’t have kids yet 🙂 Might as well avoid stretching it back out!
So perfectly said. Thanks for sharing your struggle which is the struggle of so many of us.
I am just now starting the pre-op part of gastric bypass preparation and I loved reading this entry. The self-loathing I live with, daily, has to stop. My therapist actually said to me a couple of days ago that I need to realize that THIS Cheryl deserves love and acceptance just as much as a smaller, post-op Cheryl will deserve it. And it starts with accepting myself.
Thank you for your raw honesty.
So true. It’s hard to appreciate what you have accomplished when all you see is how you have failed. I wonder how it will be when I get to where I want to be, or will I ever get there, wherever there actually is.
You’re awesome
I hear you. I am 58 years old, and for 20 years have been overweight. It’s not as though I gained weight on purpose, or didn’t try to eat in a healthy way. But between working and raising my kids, trying to cook satisfying for 3 growing sons and a their dad, depression and stress as well as all those inner things you have talked about uncovering, the weight crept on and stayed, and now I need to lose 100 lbs which seems insurmountable. I have had my family, friends and co-workers treat me dismissively and I can’t help but feel it’s because I am no longer young and “pretty”. I became very sick early on and lost a lot of weight too quickly, only to have people tell me how great I looked. I only wanted to say, LOOK at me, can’t you tell I’m sick for crying out loud? My mother has told me that my dad would love to see me thin again before he dies — why? So I’ll look good at the funereal? So this week I have been diagnosed with diabetes and high cholesterol, and I am facing unwanted medication, and adding exercise to my day whether I have time or not, and tracking everything I eat. It is overwhelming, but most overwhelming of all is that journey to rediscover myself that you have written about. I am proud of you for persevering. I appreciate your honesty. And I am heartened by your story. Thank you for sharing it.
I’ve been a member at Curves for a long time… 30 minutes (really) will give you strength training, cardio, and stretching. Know one member who joined the Curves Complete diet program, is 60 ish, has lost 50 # in less than a year. Is off her diabetes Rx, on minimum blood pressure Rx, cholesterol is great, kidney function improved 21%. Look into it.
Thank you for this article. I hate myself & I have been all shapes & sizes & I do understand that making myself smaller is not going to cure the inside but it doesn’t stop me still trying as unfortunately I live as if I cannot be loved as I am now & I’m smart enough to know that, that is not true but I cannot seem to listen & I know that no matter what I do on the outside if I cannot fix the inside there is no point. But, I will save your article & read it again & try to start to believe in a positive future.
Elaine,
Keep trying, you’re worth it!!
I agree. I keep thinking when I’m thin I’ll be happy. If ure not happy now u never will be – I tell myself. Clothing sizes won’t make u happy or a smaller number on the scale. Have to understand the real issue and work on being happy now. “I think myself happy”
I hear you and love you for posting this!!
You are amazing! We hear you, loud n’ clear!!
Please don’t ask her to change her magnificent “voice”….modify what you present and acknowledge that modification accordingly.
Love you!!!!
Reblogged this on Writing It Out and commented:
I love this so much. Excellent!
After having three babies and then battling (and beating!) breast cancer, I’m finally ready to tackle all that baby weight and the last couple years of comfort eating. But before I coul start, I knew I had to be ok with me just as I am now. 60 pounds overweight. I am so much more than overweight. I am also a good mom, wife, friend, sister. I am intelligent and creative. My body has done incredible things over the past few years, among them making three human beatings and then bearing trough chemotherapy and a few major surgeries. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I’m not ok with me now, I won’t be ok 60 pounds lighter. I am not my weight. But it can be hard to keep that perspective when we live in a society that says the opposite. I pray your heart can find peace. Who you really are is beautiful, no matter the shell or what the world defines as beautiful. Finding yourself is also an incredible journey, and you ARE strong. You’ve proven that. You will find your beautiful self, and you will love her, and that’s when real peace will reign.
I understand, and hear you. I have lived in my skin for 56 years and my weight is stable. I am overweight, I know that. I understand the health risks but I am always moving. I exercise 3 times a week, work 2 jobs and have raised two children. Through out my late teens and into my 30s I dieted and dieted. I came to realize that this wasn’t a “normal way of thinking”, that it was unhealthy and I was tired of dieting so I stopped. I gained weight, it was inevitable. I dieted again in my late 40s wanting to capture feeling young and valued again and lost 68 pounds hoping to keep it off, 9 years later it is all back. I have been cutting my portion sizes back again and trying to be conscious of what I am putting into my body, and after 9 years of my exercise routine I still at it. I have instilled some of my dieting habits into my life from my early dieting, I guess it is always a struggle. Keep moving ahead, one day at a time. You are the best, you are courageous to have taken this on. Your honesty is helping others as well.
Truly touching. YOU are beautiful
Hello!
“Can anybody hear me?” Yes! Thank you for you honest disclosure. It’s one thing to change the body and another to change the soul! In fact, I actually blog about the soul side. (Although that is not the purpose for my response to you) I simply want to affirm your journey and echo back YES! “After” never really comes. Sometimes we find a glisten of sunlight after the quiet settling of a good rain but the ground is still wet! What a beautiful journey you are STILL ON. Life can only really be encountered in the “now” . We can remember the past and we can hope for the future, but at the end of the day all we have to encounter ourselves and (I would say, God too) is the moment we’ve been given. As I encounter the deep love of something gllarger than myself, I am learning to love…myelself, others…and even God differently and more freely. Thank you for your honest post.
I hear you, Lisa. I went through something very similar 35 years ago. “After,” I felt like a little boat in a big ocean, and like I was going to capsize any minute. People treated me differently. People who did not “like” me before were suddenly anxious to be my friend. People–men in particular–with whom I used to have intelligent conversations suddenly started talking down to me. I still struggled with the weight and the food. When I was heavier, I felt like no one could see “me.” When I lost the weight, I still felt like no one could see “me.” Hang on tight, woman. You are still you. Get to know yourself and love yourself, one day at a time. Blessings on you *HUG*
I hear you. I really do.
I don’t know you, and I’m not quite sure how I found your blog, but I feel like you’ve written my story, except I’m at ‘Before’. Stay strong and continue to be an inspiration to the rest of us. 🙂
ditto
Loud and clear. Thank you for the lessons. You moved me to tears with your hard truths. I think you are half way there just being able to articulate this so thoughtfully. Just know that you are so worthy of love and self love. Having stopped to read your blog has enriched my day and compassion is beaming your way!
So true!
Beautifully articulated.
This brings to mind a hymn from a Buddhist service I recently attended:
“No coming, no going
no after, no before
I hold you close to me, I release you to be free…”
I hope there are beautiful days all along your journey.
I hear you. I’m listening. You are and have always been beautiful . You. Not the shell of your exterior, you. Your only as pretty as you feel inside . It’s ok to have many ways to feel, about your self, about everything . Stephen Hawking is a role model of beauty. Look to others who have overcome , give yourself credit, give yourself a break. Love yourself!
oh my goodness, this hit home for me on so many levels and the way you described your feelings are something I’ve been trying to puzzle and present for the past year since being in recovery from anorexia because of a “before” this is incredible. I give you so much recognition for reaching into your core roots and recognizing this, a lot of people would never be able to describe something like this. you’re a beautiful strong soul.
You should focus on the health benefits of you new weight . Embrace the new things you enjoy doing , the strength , power and endurance of you thinner body. Food struggles like most struggles they never end. You just learn to manage them. The key is enjoying who you are and being comfortable with who you become.
i soooo hear you. you really are awesome. truly inspiring post girl.
I hear you Sister!!! Loud and clear..love yourself, through thick or thin💖
I hear you. And Thank you !!
Wow. I read that and thought how similar it sounds to my journey. 170 pounds later and I am still struggling with loving myself. Still struggling with the emotions that come up around food, especially since I am limited to an almost liquid diet…still struggling with the “after”. 5 years after weight loss surgery, I didnt think I would be this much of a mess. However, this is my journey and I am much closer to happiness than I ever have been before. The after is now, is every day and is how I choose to make it. The after is not that I was 320 pounds or 130 now, or the fact that I have since struggled as an alcoholic …the after is that I wake up every morning and be happy for what I have …that is my after, and that is closer than I was before. I loved your blog and think you are awesome. Thank you for your story.
Hi there,
6 Years ago I decided to actually start losing weight. I went from 320lbs in two years. Since then I have been a yo-yo 215 -> 275 -> 230 -> 265 -> 235.
I’ve never liked my body’s “look”. I was fat from the age of 7 and took on the personality of being fat. Loud, funny, outgoing etc. I felt I needed to fit all of the likable characteristics of being a fat person so that I could have friends, because no one would want to be friends with a fat person if they didn’t have the great personality to match. At 6’4″ my family always thought I’d just be big. I played football because that is the sport where fat guys fit in. I put on dresses in plays because a big fat guy in drag is hysterical. I tried so hard to be the likable fat guy
I had an ah-ha moment to lose weight after college when I looked pregnant. I’m a male. I had a job interview with two twenty something guys and a referral from the VP of the North American division. I remember the looks on their faces and the way they stared at my body during the interview. My weight was negatively impacting me to the point that having a great personality couldn’t make up for it anymore.
I started losing weight very easily. I counted every calorie I had and didn’t lie. Lying to myself and saying a few drinks won’t hurt always stalled me. When I weighed every calorie and worked out regularly there was no problem. The problem was the fact that my personality had shifted to “the weight loss guy”. Every conversation I had was about where I was and what my next goal was. “Good for you”, “That’s amazing”, “Keep it goings” were my driver.
When the weight was gone and I had no more to lose, the problem was that what I saw myself as had dissolved. Two months before I could sit at a table and tell people I had just lost 60 pounds and was trying to lose another 10 in two months and everyone would love to hear about what I’d done and what I was planning to do. No one wants to hear about health and fitness from someone who is already in shape.
The thing that had given me so much pride was gone the second I reached my goal.
I now had the power and knowledge to know how long it would take me to lose weight, so I wouldn’t put effort in to my health unless I had an actual goal in mind. Drinking, eating, working out would all be put on the back burner. I would slowly start to hate my body. I would be disappointed that I would let myself go, but couldn’t find the motivation to start taking it seriously again unless I had a time table.
I know why I don’t like processed food with added sugar. They lead to me overeating and getting fat. I know why I don’t like getting drunk, it makes me feel sick the next day and leads to not working out and getting fat. I’m not one of those people who can indulge without my body showing me what I had done.
The things you hope to achieve during a weight loss goal are appreciating eating healthy, working out to have a strong healthy body and mind, and giving yourself the healthiest life you can. The problem lies in that I had looked at these things as a punishment I had to take due to bad choices, and not as a gift I was giving myself each day that I would never want to stop.
I don’t really know what point I’m trying to make. I think I know how you feel. It’s scary. and frustrating. It’s a never ending struggle, and even when I know i’m living well and appreciating the benefits, I know that there’s always the disdain I have for it the second enough people in my life say “who cares”. I care. I care a lot. I don’t know how to talk to normal people about this because they end up taking it personally and think I’m criticizing their lifestyle. I’m not! I want to hear about your job, and your kids, your parties and anything else in your life. Why is it the second I start telling you about mine you take offense so quickly?
I think my brother summed it up best one time “you’ll always be fat to me”
I appreciate reading your comment. It’s very insightful. I hope you find more supportive people or that the people in your life stop being so threatened by your lifestyle choices. I especially loved this: “The problem lies in that I had looked at these things as a punishment I had to take due to bad choices, and not as a gift I was giving myself each day that I would never want to stop.” Keep up doing what makes you healthy and what makes you feel good.
I do listen to you. Fighting this “body” and strugvlinv with food hacen’t been easy. Ups and downs that make me just think what I am doing wrong. Everytime I see mysekf to the mirror is just going sad and searching the person I used to be before this “body” absorbed me. But reading you, I’ll persue my goal of losing weight but not losing myself. Thanks for all what you wrote along all these time.
i hear you, baby. loud and clear.
I hear you! I honor your courage, your honesty, and your commitment to looking within.
I hear you…
Oh, do I hear you. I went from a 34 BMI to a 24. I’m now in the “normal” range according to the charts. I still “feel” like the obese person I was. Losing weight didn’t magically solve all my other problems.
Dear Lisa, you are not your weight! You are YOU.
Weight is not an identity, it is just that, weight! You focused on losing the weight, that you have trained your brain to work and focus on that. It is normal that now your brain goes to the same path over and over again. You need to re train your brain now to focus on what serves you. You are a beautiful soul, let it shine! We see it, maybe if you can take down your ” weight ” glasses and look you can see it too.
Your life is what you focus on, so choose wisely!
It takes training ( I believe it is 40 days to rewire our brain to a new thought) so, be persistent, choose to allow yourself to be seen for what you are.
Joe Dispenza has a book that might help you: “Breaking the habit of being yourself, how to Lose your mind and create a new one”.
It is important to identify what needs was the weight meeting for you and at what level (1-10). Then find another way to meet those needs at high score and in a positive and sustainable way. My guess is that one of those needs was for love and connection. If your weight met more than 3 needs at high level this was like an addiction.
This is from the human need psychology (Antony Robbins / Cloe Madanes – SI Training) There are SI coaches that specialize in weight loss and they start with this type of work.
Hope this helps! You are brave and kind!
Thank you for writing this, for sharing. I am there with you!!! Learning to love all of me…, you are love able no matter what numbers say… That is the key and you wrote that so beautifully! Plus for me it’s scary being “skinny” people do treat you differently and that still breaks my heart! I want to scream “ITS STILL ME!!”
Thank you!
OMG. What a great article. FYI, when I look at the photos (any of them) I see a person with a great face…a face that tells me this person is kind. The type of person to smile at you on the street or give up your seat on the bus for someone else. I see a person searching for her “true identity”. Sort of like a super hero lurking underneath all the worry. Keep practicing being good to yourself. It takes practice to change the self-talk from a constant nagging to confidence. Keep practicing!!!
THANK YOU! I’m in the process of discovering me again. I appreciate your words.
Reblogged this on Author Fallon Willoughby and commented:
This is what so many of us need to realize.
Wow, that was an incredible read. Thank you so much for sharing. It was an amazing perspective.
This is the first time I’ve ever commented on a blog! Because I wanted to say:
“YES we hear you loud and clear!!!”
And we love you for it! Keep going forward on your journey! You’re doing great!
Heard you. Fabulous You! Well done. I’m 58 and should have done what you have and are doing twenty years ago. Now I’m very tired of the start stop regime I have constantly dragged myself through. Been close to giving up. This however has inspired me to wonder if it is really possible, for me to heal and shed
Thank you very much for such an honest account. Here’s to you finding and loving the wonderful person you are 🙂 xxx
❤ And this is where the real adventure starts. Have fun learning who you are and what you love and exploring the world and yourself in the process. You rock. You're inspiring. YOU ARE GREAT.
Thank you for this. I’ve been struggling with some grief as I lose weight myself, though my grief has been mostly about the quality and smallness that was my life when I was over 300 lbs. I’ve lost 100, 100 more to go. This has given me a new perspective and a new way to think about myself. 🙂
i love this article, it’s the truth people need to know. I struggled with an eating disorder and always thought losing weight would fix me, but just drove me more crazy. Now I’m better but the thoughts are still there. That loving yourself process is the hardest part to rewire in your brain. And now I struggle with my weight more because of what I did to my body then to try to be thin. Not enough people talk about what happens when you get there, that it is not the end. Thank you.
Oh my goodness, I just clicked on this because someone had shared on facebook, I haven’t even read your past blogs. You have written so incredibly powerfully and so incredibly insightfully that I am blown away. I am somebody who has never had an ‘issue’ with weight, but like everyone we all have issues with ourselves, some more so than others, and what you have written is so clearly about this. Your journey is only just beginning by the sounds of things, but it is beginning so positively, because you recognise it as such. We All Hear You – all of you. Well done for putting a voice so eloquently to the images, before and after. Good luck and you are doing so well, I am excited for this stranger I have just stumbled across whilst skimming FB. x
That could not have been said more perfectly. And clearly defined. Thank you.
This is amazing. I appreciate your honesty here so much and it was just what I needed to hear today.
I love your blog.
And i love your personality.
If anyone is interested, I was recommended by many of my friends to try this method out, and it works really well for me, i hope it may help some of you!
http://fitandhealthier.com/amazing-system-for-weight-loss/
You are so right. No matter how many pounds you lose if you don’t deal with the deeper stuff then it takes away from your accomplishment. I hope you are able to deal with your deeper issues. Thanks for posting this so that maybe others trying for a number will realize there is more to it.
I heard you so plainly and clearly. I’m on this journey and already can see, feel and smell the fake bs coming out of me for the benefit of fitting another mold that isn’t mine.
hello,
(sorry for spelling). I just wanted to say you are in a similer place as I am. I am me. I have always been me. whether I am bing told I gained or lost I am me. and I needed to read this today. thankyou form the bottem of my heart. we are us. and that’s ok.
I am so touched by your powerful post, and by your honesty and courage to contribute your truth to the weight loss surgery community. I deeply resonate with your post, and love your writing. Your message is powerful, truthful, moving AND I hear you loudly and clearly! You deserve to be seen and heard, just as we all do, no matter what the scale tells us, and no matter what our inner critic tells us! This is the true work we need to do after WLS. Changing our relationship to the way we think and talk to ourselves about our bodies, our value, and our right to “be” ourselves, no matter what.
I would love to share your blog post in my Newsletter, because you are expressing something that is so relevant and so common to so many of us. My name is Jill Temkin, and I have a website called: livingthinwithin.net, which speaks to exactly what you are talking about. I would also love to talk to you about writing for my Newsletter, to see if that way of contributing to the community would hold any interest for you. Please check me out, and my website out, to see if you would be up for having me share this post with my readers, and if you would like to talk at some point about contributing more writing.
Thank you again for adding your voice and point of view to the discussion. Developing compassion, love, and a commitment to care for ourselves IS THE JOURNEY, and our weight is merely a sign, or indicator, of how tuned in (or tuned out) we are to developing a deep sense of our own value and worth, no matter what!
Wow, thank you for your post. I have been lost inside for so very long. I’ve lost 155 pounds and still couldn’t find happiness inside. It’s only the external that people see or comment on…Yes I was a large person, yes I lost weight but I am still me….I want to love me, I want to be strong, I don’t want to be anyone’s door mat anymore. Looking for me : *(
I hear you!
This is how to express something I had no idea what words to use. For years now I’ve balked at getting to “that weight”. I am not a weight loss project. It’s not even necessarily weight loss I need to work on, but my relationship with food (I am a chronic meal skipper with bad results) ands my view of myself (I have dignity and worth too). There are notions about food ingrained in my culture (food is for enjoyment, not health) that I wholeheartedly hate and live by. Navigating this culture of health and beauty is more than difficult. Sometimes it’s nearly impossible. Especially when my husband has a love affair with sugar that is expensive and destructive. Sigh. It’s like pushing a boulder to the top of a mountain every day and at the next dawn, starting over again. Endless.
No you can retrain your brain.. that is what i have to do also..i know the pain.. food is fuel for our bodies..when we feed it good natural food we run at our prime but when we eat heavy food that is not that great we run our bodies down..i know i am in the process of doing it right now..but u can do it!! We can do it!!!:-)
I will not congratulate you for looking great. I will congratulate you for the strength it took to lose the weight and deal with people’s reaction to that weight loss. I had a serious health problem that caused me to lose 25 lbs. in a year. I was not over weight to begin with so to go from 135 to 110 was prettying shocking to me and everyone who knows me. I stayed at that weight for several years, being unable to gain more than a few pounds before my body would react and I would lose that weight and then some. Through a lot of perseverance
and experimentation, I finally determined what the cause of this loss was. I am intolerant to Carbs. All carbs, but even a slight amount of sugar can send me into orbit. I am not on a low carb diet–not to lose weight but to gain! By managing my carbs it has actually allowed my body to absorb nutrition, rather than everything I ate going directly through me. I’m at 120 now and feel so much better and no longer look as though I’m a cancer patient. It has made me very thankful for each day I have. You do learn that you only have today. Each day my husband calls me at lunch time and asks how is today? My goal is no longer to “cure” myself, it’s to link as many “good days” as possible together. Since I have adopted this outlook, I’ve discovered I’m so much happier. I am gradually letting go of many of the things that controlled my life until now. Though I’d never had high blood pressure, when I was the sickest my blood pressure spiked so much that when I went to the doctor because I was dizzy and my heart was pounding my blood pressure was 200 over something. He wouldn’t even let me leave until they got it down into a more reasonable area. Since balancing my carb intake, I am off my blood pressure meds, am less hyper and more satisfied with life. You are finding your balance. You will adjust to that new person you see in the mirror. You can love yourself, if you’ll just let yourself. Best to you as you go through this transformation.
Hey… do you know about Tara Brach’s Book “Radical Acceptance” … i strongly recommend it. Sending you strength!
Great post! Thank you for this! 5 min reading your thoughts made me think differently about life. Cheers!
This is the truth. Raw. Thank you.
Congratulations on being heard! It’s a great message, and thank you for sharing it. All the best!
I hear you…whether you are 300lbs or 120lbs…I hear you & you are right…go after that person you were destined to be, go after something you are passionate about, go after making a difference, just like the difference you made in your weight. Except now, do from the inside!!
If you ever need help with that, please feel to reach out to me…hopefully you can see my email below.
Take care & be healthy all over!
Danielle
You have touched my heart and mind. Your truth is stunningly comprehensive and perfect.
Thank you.
Dear lady forget about appearances and focus on how much good you have achieved healthwise. You have substantially reduced your chances of getting diabetes or a stroke for a start. This must be wonderful news for your family and friends. Plus you can now climb stais and go for lovely walks without being embarrassed at holding everyone else up. I speak as one who has struggled with weight gain all my life and I know how much better I feel when I am a reasonable weight..and I certainly notice the increase in my energy levels and my mental capacity when I’m not having to haul round extra weight. You don’t need to be skinny but you need not to be obese. Thank God for your life and take each day as a gift xx
Thank you for speaking for me.
Started at 331lbs – down to 170 at 5’10 —- people say the same thing “oh I do not recognize you in that picture” and to be honest I don’t see myself in that picture either. Nor do I still see myself when I see current pictures or even looking in the mirror. It’s not about the #’s or the pictures and nobody else seems to get it. Its about being happy in the skin you are in regardless of what that means. I struggle with it daily. I still think people see the fat and overweight me and judge me for it. I’m always afraid people dislike me because of what they see. Its hard to admit that the dislike comes from within and not without. Project I believe they call it. All I know is that no matter the # on the scale I have to find a way to love myself…to look myself in the eyes and find my happiness. You seem as if you are on the same journey to “self”…I wish you as much luck and happiness in it all.
Gosh I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
You are amazing. I don’t know you but I am so very proud of who you are today and yesterday. God made YOU perfect, remember that always.
I have lost 150lbs and it took 5yrs to do it and I always say I am thankful for every one of those days because in the beginning I really hated myself and was considering suicide as the answer until I saw an interview with Kim Bensen and so my weight loss journey began. I have reached my goal but now I am struggling with the aftermath of abusing my body for 40+ years, namely loose skin and pockets of fat that just won’t go away. But I didn’t get to this place by giving up and I know that this is an ongoing process and by paying it forward by helping others it helps me feel like it’s all worth it. Reading your article made me cry because I know that struggle with food and the effects of the scale on peace of mind, which I have daily!! I’m always hoping it will get easier to love myself and I will never give up hope!! I am proud of myself and I have my on and off days, but that’s life, and thank God I have the support and love of friends and family that helps me get out of bed each day!! Thank you for sharing and being so honest!! Most people think once they lose the weight everything will be sunshine and roses, but the truth is, you have good and bad days, just like you did before you lost the weight, you just have to power through it and know better days are coming!!
WOW. Yes, I struggle with the same thing.
I do hear you, and I’m in a quandary myself about who I am also. I begaoding weight to be healthier and feel better physically but the mental part also needs to change. How does that happen can anyone tell me? So I take it one day at a time
You have to change your thoughts..you have to retrain your brain!! I am in the process of doing in right now too..you have to remain conscience with your thoughts..notice when you are telling yourself something negative and stop it!! Talk to yourself with caring and kind words!! And powerful and positive things.. it is not easy..i know..lol.. i have been conscience in my thoughts for a while now and i still have alot of reprograming to do..the more we do it every day the more it will just become natural..we will just think that way..but we have to keep working on it!! Good thoughts to u on your journey always and me too!! Im in the process of learning to meditate..that will help also tremendously as it keeps us present in the present moment but that is work too..especially for me..things just scare me..lol..i have lived my life so far waiting for this and that to happen to than let myself do this or that.. terrible programming i have had in there..lol.. but im aware now that just because we have been conditioned to think a certain way by who,what,where,when and why we have been around so far it doesn’t mean we have to live that way forever!!! We are our only power no one else!!! If it is not working for us and filling us with love we have the power to change it!! Happy thoughts and love to u!!
Hi there
Thank you so much for this post. I have had a baby and had a hard time getting this baby. I had struggled with my weight too up and down and mainly have stayed from 120-130 for about 10 years but the consistent worry and stress that has come in innumerable ways (did i cause my fertility problem from my weight?, will i have another babe?, am i ok? am i ok?…) and seeking to answer this Am i ok thing…has led to confusion and misery. Even now i have 6-8 lb or so before i get back to my pre-preg weight and constantly still feel the weight monkey sit on my shoulders about getting there. I also am wondering at this moment if i dont want to get there (despite my expressive YES I DO externally) or if i do. I struggle with the idea that you’re damned if you do and damned if you dont–the food is not peaceful because of the lack of self love, self trust and safety and the fear and guilt of being a certain weight and all the stuff that my mind associates with that. Anyway, I am not sure how clear that is but the subconscious and conscious paths take a lot to line up —–BUT the bottom line is that self love and acceptance is at the core as the solution.
I here you and I thank you!
I hear you loud and clear! I’m going through the same thing. Learning to like me and realize that although I’m no where near my “after” I can never lose sight of what makes me me
I hear you. You will always be you. You will always be beautiful. You will always struggle to be happy, but there will be moments. Cherish those. Live today. Live “during”, as you say. It’s really all there is.
As you said, it’s not about the number on the scale, it’s about being happy with yourself. And once you find your “happy spot,” then you’ve succeeded in improving your life.
Oh how inspirational this post is. As I sit her today… I dream of the “after” I can’t wait to have weight loss surgery so I can begin “a new life…” I have spent countless hours dreaming of what life will be like! I am 37 years old… And I have spent my ENTIRE life obese! I truly have no idea what it will feel like to walk this earth not having all those extra pounds on my body. I dream of the day that I can finally pick clothes to wear that I have always wanted to wear. I dream of going to Disney land for the first time of my life with my son and being able to ride the rides with him… I dream of the different more friendly looks I will get from people and less judgement from others as they have NO idea who I am or the struggles I have lived! And then…. I read this… And how it makes sooooooo much sense! Here I have spent my ENTIRE life in this beautiful over weight body! My main focus in life has been to lose weight in hopes that people can just see me…. Monica! And the whole time…. I’m me I’m not my body! So soon…. I will have surgery, and the pounds will melt away… And the undying fear of what my “after” will be… Who knows… But I do know I will still be Monica searching for other people’s happiness and acceptance of who society believes Monica should be! So take a long look now! No matter what my body looks like…. I am Monica, I am me, and I love every inch of me! I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am important! And I will fight this good fight so I can have a longer life with my son! But at the end of everyday whether inside this fat body or in a smaller one… I am Monica! I am me! I am beautiful! And I am important!
I just discovered your blog and I think you’re fucking amazing and super strong. You look amazing and of course it’s important to be healthy and feel good about how you look on the outside, but this is such a good reminder that happiness (and, I think, the truest kind of beauty) comes from where you are with yourself inside. As much as you might feel this isn’t true, you’ve come a LONG way – and you are going to get there. As you say, there is no “After” – it’s all about the journey – and I don’t think thats a bad thing because there’s the opportunity for constant growth. You’ve got this 🙂 xox
Holy smokes!! What a powerful post!! THANK YOU! You are so right. There’s no AFTER…. There’s me… There was, and will always be ME. And those around me. Thank you again.
This is incredible. I could’ve written it myself. You’re amazing.
This is the first time I’ve ever commented on a stranger’s blog, but I just wanted to tell you that your honesty is so beautiful and brave. I am not in the same place you are, but the struggles you identified resonate with me and sometimes it’s enough to know I’m not the only one feeling like this or struggling this way. Thank you for being willing to share your heart with the world.
I hear you ❤ I'm closer to before than after physically, but mindfully, much closer to after.
As a mental health practitioner with considerable experience in this area, I highly recommend you find a good Neurolinguistic Programming practitioner (NLP) and look into Tapping (EFT) as well. These modalities are direct routes to connecting you to your unconscious mind, who definitely, absolutely, knows who you are. Get her (self, from your prior post, is who she is) on board, and everything will shift. It's fast, and it's brilliant, and sometimes very hard or painful- but it's so worthwhile. I have read your whole blog today, and I am very proud of your progress as a person. You are doing a great job 🙂 keep seeking, and ye shall find ❤
YES. I probably will be losing weight in the coming years due to starting to love myself and to enjoy moving my body. And I am resolved that I love the me who was 25 pounds heavier than this and I love the me now and I love the me at whatever weight I may be in the future. I am me and I am strong. What a moving post.
Reblogged this on risquédivorcée and commented:
There is no “after” there’s just before & now! We are always rediscovering ourselves & transitioning to the next “now”!
I love so much about this post because I really understand what you’re saying. I’m not at an after, I’m barely at “during”. I’m learning to want to change to make myself healthier and nothing else. A lot of emphasis is put on dropping pounds in my family and it really bothers me. No one really says you look nice unless you look like you’ve dropped a few pounds. And then they really roll out with compliments. About how small you’re getting and how great you look skinny etc. And if they only comment when you’re looking smaller, that means they really were focused on how not small you were. And I hear what you’re saying about how that’s still you. That’s you at all sizes, all shapes, all struggles and all triumphs.
You look great, you look healthy and you look like you’ve worked hard. I hope you find the happiness you’re seeking, and I hope you find it no matter what your scale says
Do people treat you differently now that you’ve lost weight?
I don’t know, honestly. Before I lost weight, I spent a lot of time avoiding being noticed – I stayed rather invisible. I’m much more visible now. People treat me MORE now that I’ve lost weight.
Invisible can feel safe.
Indeed it can
You are really strong! I could tell that by reading your blog. In your after you might consider being a writer! I could feel your emotions reading it. This is great. Write it and send it to me I’d love to make your movie as my debut feature! You are really cool.
In your after if you consider writing as a story I would love to adapt it to a movie. You really have a writing talent and expressing your emotions. Would love to be your friend and collaborate on a project.
Very accurate, honest, and forthcoming. A reality check for those both on the inside and outside of any issues involving self-confidence and loving yourself just as you are.
I hear you..more than you could imagine! I am in awe of your post and the strength and courage it took to put it out there. I blog as well and I am going to share this with people that I know. It may have taken time for you to see, but you are seeing now. You will discover yourself and you will enjoy the journey that involves.
Wow! I was just introduced to your blog this morning. I’ve only read two entries, the first one “Before,” and this one, “After.” I am absolutely impressed by your raw honesty. You have a gift for communicating your emotional state viscerally – a rare thing indeed! I intend to read your blog a little bit each day until I’ve read everything you’ve written. It’s an immense pleasure to read material like yours. You are a truly talented author!
On another note, Oscar Wilde once said, “Learning to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” I can say from personal experience that is the honest truth. When I began to see myself as loveable, my whole world shifted dramatically. It was like I was living a different life. Although the possibility of being loveable occurred in a profound moment of insight, actually taking it on as my reality took daily practice for about three years. It was a matter of intentionally watching and combating that little voice in my head that seems only to want break me down.
I suggest you take the Landmark Curriculum for Living (www.landmarkworldwide.com). Landmark promises that if a person does the three classes as they are designed to be done, that upon completion that person will have a life they love and will live it powerfully. That was such a huge promise to make that I HAD to do the classes. Landmark delivered! I couldn’t believe it, but it was true. I’ve suffered from depression most of my life, and I hate taking drugs for it. For at least eight years now, I’ve been able to say that I’m a basically happy person. It’s been 18 years since I took that first class at Landmark. It’s been worth all the time and effort.
I wish you well on your road of discovery. I know you’ll find what you need!
Thank you. I hear you, with the struggles in my heart of hearts. I hear you.
Amazing post. Thank you for your courage, and for sharing your truth.
💗
Love your post!!! You were able to right down so many thoughts I have had/had. I am the before version of me right now but… One day not too long from now I will start a journey to my “after”… And the truth is there is no after.
Thank you for sharing yourself and being so authentic. I am cheering for you!
Thank you. What a brilliant post. It is so hard to let go of that worry about weight, I don’t think I ever will, whatever my size, and so self acceptance needs to get louder, and I feel I need to keep striving for that. Because loving myself has done more than hating and judging myself ever could, so hopefully I will one day soon fully accept myself! xxx
That is super powerful! I haven’t been in your shoes, you’ve lost more weight than I ever weighed. But I can relate. When I was anorexic, I wanted to recover. I thought gaining weight was the key. So I did, but I also fell into binging. Then I stopped. I was eating normal, was at a healthy weight but I wasn’t happy. Self-discovery and true healing came later when trying to heal from my chronic headaches. I healed my headaches, but healing never stopped. It is not about number, not about pounds, inches, calories, miles ran, countries visited, money made, blog posts wrote etc, it is about peeling the layer courageously, living fully and embracing the journey. Now I know. And this is true living, happy and healthy.
Well said friend!
I hear you. My struggle with showing up in my life as a human being looks different from yours, but the two are the same as well. You write powerfully. Thank you.
Tell the truth sistah! What a brave & wonderful post. I am applauding.
I read a study once that said that no matter what changes in your life – you get fall in love, you win the lottery, you’re in an accident and paralyzed for life – it changes how you feel for about two years. And then you go right back to where you were, emotionally. The work we need to do to be happier is INSIDE not OUTSIDE. The goal isn’t a number on a scale or on your bank account but the ability to say “at this moment I love my life.”
A lesson I keep learning over and over.
I hear you….
I just happened upon your block and look forward to exploring your process. I struggle with depression, have had it for a long time, and am finally getting the courage to treat it. I realized that the gnawing pain in my stomach, the grief, sadness, hopelessness, inertia, etc., that make up my emotions, have caused me to think I was hungry. Truly the pain went away temporarily when I “fed it”, but then I rebounded with depression and the feeling that goes with overeating. I just spent $1800 on Positive Changes. It truly is working but I, like you, am left with the painful emotions of struggling to like and accept myself, to let others see me. Such a risk! Reading your blogs will really help me as I continue on my process.
Thank you for your bravery and honesty. YES, weight is just a number. I used to struggle with an eating disorder and can relate to feeling like food/weight loss is your identity. Discovering what’s beneath all of that is scary but also really awesome. Sending positive vibes your way on your journey.
I hear you. Loud and clear! I made that same journey. I would dream I was still where I had started. As I gained back every effort I would dream that I was at my after. I went through it three times losing between 60-80/lbs. I can’t say I didn’t feel great but there was something that drew me back. I’m not a shy person. I think once at or maybe during the journey to the after, there should be major counseling happening.
To accept the new look. I really do hear you. You are beautiful both ways. Good luck.
This brought me to tears! Its so easy to just focus on the Finish line we forget to enjoy the actual race. I always tell myself if I lose all this weight, if I go back to that thin girl I used to be, I will be Happy. But in all honestly that would be a lie. I have to love this body, take care of this person, Myself. Im still me give or take a few pounds. Thank you for sharing this.
oh yes…. I hear you…. loud and clear…. I ve been fighting with myself over weigh loss as long as I remember me….. thank you so much for sharing your inner feelings….
Incredible moved and so impressed. You may had just uncovered the reason why so many people tend to regain weight after big loss. The person I’d still the same. They love the same people, smells, sounds, even food. Giving them time and love they will love there new healthy bodies again. Be Proud. You loved yourself enough to do this journey. I send you hugs of congratulation and you go girl
I hear you! Check out my page, it is very much about learning to love yourself. I wish you well on your journey! http://www.facebook.com/ruudawakenings http://www.ruudawakenings
Wow. Very powerful. Thank you for sharing. And I thank my sister for sending me this link. Ur beautiful. I wish for all of us to love ourselves…that is me deepest wish…
I’ve just read your blog from start to finish. Somebody shared this post yesterday, and I started at the beginning. Your honesty and your writing are brave. I wish you all the best in your life, and really hope you continue posting!
Thank you so much for this..for your honesty and openess…I’m just starting my journey and have been discouraged when I’m told to find a number because that number is important when all I want to find is someone in control of her eating not someone controlled by food in a room. I get a lot of “you go” and “more power to you” but it’s accompanied by looks of disbelief and a lack of understanding and is usually followed by “but what number are you trying to reach”…thank you for pointing out that it isn’t a number but it’s in finding the new you that loves yourself exactly where you are at…this is truly the conversation I want to have with others areas well!
This resonated so strongly with me. I lost about 70 pounds almost 7 years ago and I still struggle with negative self-talk and body image. Thank you for posting this, we all need to hear it.
Having lost 75 lbs and dropping 12 sizes in 10 months about 13 years ago. I was down to 142 lbs and a size 10. People DO look at you differently and treat you differently. I understand what it is to face yourself at that junction when you’re not ready inside. Unfortunately I’ve been losing the battle as I am now over 300lbs and struggling daily to accept myself. Those comments of “you look amazing” and “you look so much prettier now that you’ve lost the weight” haunt me now. They feel like daggers of failure marking my daily routine with every decision I make that goes against “the norm”. You are right. I am me. At any size, shape or physical level and deserve love. Especially from myself. This has been the hardest struggle of my life. You reminded me it’s a process. And it doesn’t start once I loose the weight but it starts here and today inside me. I realized this a few weeks ago and have been really struggling to look in the mirror. The harder it is the more I’m convinced it’s the place I need to start. Thank you for your honesty and for recognizing that just because we may not be where we want to get we are the same person inside and that is always a work in progress.
Amy, I am right where you were, where you use to be and where you are at now. I know and feel the same struggles you are facing. I know that I am loved and that people care for me. I just wish I could love me, care for me and who I am. I thought things would be different. I loved the New me look and thought I could fit well but after a while I still did not love ME then an accident happened, then a surgery and on and on. Slowly the weight came back plus some. I failed me. Just like I knew I would back in my mind when I was almost where I wanted to be. The dreamed of the perfect me. I know hate myself for the failure and am trying to find the courage to loose the weight for me and the journey is to be about only me. I am struggling to e en start again….
Thank you for sharing. Everyone here, thank you for opening up and sharing. I needed to read that others are EXACTLY experiencing the same individual worth struggles as myself.
Yes, yes, yes! I am in the same boat. Lost 65 pounds years ago and gained it all back plus lots more. I have a husband and four absolutely precious children who love me and i just cannot love myself. I NEVER look in the mirror. I want to lose weight (because I’m not physically WELL), but I am so discouraged that I just don’t know how to start without more self hatred as the motivator. Thank you both for sharing.
I am Very impressed… Your wisdom and courage is a lovley breath of fresh air. I am very proud to share your post/blog on my facebook page! Thank you, for sharing!
Reblogged this on The Walking Non-Dead.
Thank you for posting this!
That’s a pretty powerful revelation. Congrats on understanding that the process is so much more. I hope you learn to love yourself soon!
Reblogged this on Warm and Dry and commented:
There is no after ……….. important concept for me to remember as an alcoholic and addict .
God, this is such a beautiful blog. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this resonates with me. I have been battling me weight my entire life and I feel like everything you are saying here is everything i wish i would say, but have been too afraid to do it.
Your writing is so accurate, so genuine, so real. I just want to shake your hand, give you a hug, or at least personally thank you for this writing.
I could go on and on, but that’s the gist. If you ever decide to network out, I would love to have an actual conversation, even through email.
good luck to you n everything you do!
John
I hear you! Great job & great insight!
Thank you for putting this down on paper. It is both sad and reassuring to be that others feel the same way. I have lost 108 and I thought I would happy, content, or confident I am to and extent happy cause I can do more things that my weight limited for me. However I am by no means content or confident, learning to love yourself is hard, not picking yourself apart is hard. Thank you for helping me feel normal. 🙂 Congrats on your journey.
Thank you for your blog. I am 63, married to the same man for 36 years, have three grown children. This is in response to your comment about loving yourself.
I didn’t love myself until about 15-20 years ago. I grew up beautiful, smart, talented, a normal size for 5’2″ (115) I got lots of attention, praise, boyfriends, and I hated myself.
What changed? As I said, about 15-20 years ago, I stopped hearing the tape-loop of my father’s voice saying “You should, shouldn’t, could, ought to, don’t, do, do better, try harder, can’t…” You get the idea? Every time I did something there was the voice in my head. (It’s important to note that I wasn’t physically abused, molested, or beaten by my father or anybody else)
It took years for that tape-loop to fade away. I had to live far away from my parents. One day I realized the voice was gone. I looked in the mirror and said,”I love you! You’re beautiful! You’re likable!”
Since then I have had a tough marriage, not abusive, just hard. We raised a son with Asperger’s Syndrome (he was violent at times, very difficult, but he’s 29 and he’s ok now), my beloved married daughter has distanced herself from all of us emotionally, my dear mother died. And I gained 60 lbs. And lost, gained, lost, gained. So here I am, still 60 lbs overweight with no motivation to go through the arduous task of trying to lose it again, but I still love myself. I can look in the mirror and like, accept, appreciate, be proud of, and love what I see.
I hope you find what’s holding you back from loving yourself. In the meantime, you can still love others, care for them, and stay a normal weight.
I love what you said….I am 57 and feel the same as you do….a lot of the gals posting here are young and don’t realize how things change as you age…. 🙂
beautiful.
I’ve been an “after” picture many times in my life, and each time, I skittered back to “before” with even more pounds. I finally gave up. I still have a problem with food – with my own body image, with believing that I deserve to have a happy life. I tip over the apple cart every time I get a little lighter physically and picking up the apples gets harder and harder every time.
You do have to work on believing every day that you are deserving of a good life, that your size does not matter when it comes to that. Keep up the good work and hopefully all your “during”s will be good ones. I wish you the best.
That was was beautifully well said. Thank you for writing this.
Amen! I have more to say but I’m struggling right now. I’ve lost 247 lbs and, yes, I’m healthier but the pounds are creeping back and I need to get back on track I’m happy and helathy but know I need to be better. Thank you for this.
Wow what am accomplishment! awesome 🙂
I think you are amazing! And fat or thin, big or small, happy or sad, we are all just finding ourselves,find and do the things that make you happy. You are an amazing and inspirational woman xxx
i am with you as well, i lost the weight and saw a new me but wasent really happy with the loss i still thought of me being fat and that point i became anorexic in a bad way ,i had to gain weight who ever thoguht after wls you would be told to gain weight or else be hospitalized with a feeding tube so i gained and gained and now im just not a happy in or outside ,tried to be but not . everyday is a battle for me i weighed over 400 lbs in 2006 and went down to 120 in less then a year and a half..now im back up to 178 and i need to lose or want to lose 45 lbs but thats so hard to do when you dont have the support really to intice you to eat right ..your mind says your hungry so you eat but my mind never tells me to stop eating now ..everyday is a struggle for me..i have many other health issues and my weight issues out weigh sometime the others like parkinsons and dementia and vascular lesions on my brain and im only 54 yres old. its a day by day thing for me. so hang in there everyone who is going through this after and before ..its your life and live for today not for yesterday or tomoroow. …
Thank you for being you and being honest and raw about who you are. The all of who you are past present and future is amazing. Again thank you!
Yup!
Your post is a very honest recount what alot of people feel. Having a few kinesiology sessions would make a huge difference to help you shift your thinking and change your patterning. If u want to know more I am happy to help. Details on Centro Health Website x
Go out there and find your thing. Not your going-from-being-fat-to-being-thin thing – but just your thing for you. Mine is triathlon. But maybe you love to sing, or run, or craft, or help out with a youth project, or….whatever. But you are not a number-to-a-number defined by your weight loss, however awesome a job you may have done at that particular task.
Brava! That post should be mandatory reading for everyone struggling with weight loss and/or maintenance. As someone who lost 60 pounds 10 years ago, I needed to hear this. Whenever anyone says “well, you’ve been ‘after’ for so long, it must be easy by now”. I remind them that I lost weight – I didn’t have a lobotomy. Inside most every “after” is a “before” trying to return.
I so hear you! Yes. Yes. Yes.
Wow! Your post made me cry! I feel EXACTLY the same way. I’ve lost 57 kgs (around 110 pounds I think that is?) in 2 years. I thought I would lose the weight and my life would be perfect! Like ‘bang!’… perfect! I resonate with what you are saying, I don’t know quite how to be anything other than the Julie that is losing weight rather than being happy with the now. I find I need to be strict with my food, and strict with my training, I am gentle with myself and treat myself with kindness. The rest will follow, of that I am sure… love and hugs from me, all the way from Brisbane, Australia xxx
This was beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing your change in perspective. ❤
Thank you for sharing this. You are beautiful in all of your pictures. I appreciate your honest and insightful comments.
Perhaps losing weight didn’t gain you the happiness and/or sense of inner peace, but you can, now, quit worrying about looking/being overweight. Its something that many will continue to struggle with, and may never get to where you’re at. Happiness? Please define it for us once you get there…
P. S: how did you lose weight?
I was on weight watchers for 3 years and then switched to MyFitnessPal after a year of maintaining my weight for my wedding.
The writer is trying to share that it is a myth that “after” exists. That getting down to a certain weight, being thin again, means you stop worrying over your appearance. She also wants to acknowledge her self worth existed at ever number at the scale. It does for every person out there. The sad realization comes when you reach a weightless goal and don’t magically recover that sense of self. I hope you can hear her imploring each reader to love themselves, inside. Always work to be strong but always acknowledge your worth no matter your size. As for how she lost the weight, read more of her blogs. If it isn’t there, she isn’t ready to write about it yet.
You are inspirational young lady!
Thank you
I love your post for a specific reason – just today I’ve been reflecting that bodies like mine, and bigger – I’m currently slim, I used to be big – all bodies skirting the norm or outside of it, not “fitness fit” or “perfect” are considered – obscene. I’d realised that I want to be a dance instructor, but am holding back because I don’t LOOK FIT ENOUGH. That’s enough comment there….
And you pinpoint beautifully the fact that the job is “mourning”. You are mourning the identity you had and shed with those pounds. Finding a new one, a self-loving one, takes more time and effort than this; not being determined by society’s rude comments is a job in itself. You are beautiful and you deserve to be heard, witnessed, acknowledged – yes, it was all you, is all you.
And when you create change in your life, resistance crops up, because change is terrifying. So all self-hating thoughts are louder (because it’s scary!) and clearer, because you’re changing the rest of it, so they’re more noticeable now (like a spider on a wedding cake…. ).
Your self-awareness is amazing. Best of luck on your journey. ❤
Nice.
Thank you for hitting the nail on the head. I hope this powerful message gets heard far and wide. Keep up you insight, self-care and connections.
You are beautiful in all your pictures and incredibly brave to put all of you on the internet (which is often a mean, cruel, nasty place). You are healthier now and should be proud of that!
I love your post. It is very insightful and helpful to anyone with or without a desire to lose weight. You are on a life trajectory and I, for one, thank you for sharing it with the rest of us.
F. Jane Colton, LCSW, ACADC, Boise, Idaho
Thank you for this. It rang very true for me. Last year I lost 80 pounds and had a goal of getting under 300. As soon as I hit that goal and got to 297 I fell apart and quit all together. And now have gained a good chunk of that 80 pounds back. I believe it was because I was so focused on the number 300 that once I had beaten it, I still looked in the mirror and was still me, and still was overweight by alot! It was devastating! I appreciate your resistance to The After because it’s so true that weight or no, we are who we are. We can lose, we can gain, but we’re still us! And it’s us we have to learn to be ok with in order to be healthy there’s no one number on the scale that will magically give us that
I admire your honesty and strength. Do you have a relationship with God and know Him as your creator? He loves you more than you know. Maybe turn to Him? What could you lose?
I have lost over 100 pounds about six times, and gained it back five times. You put it exactly right. Not getting to the essential need to overeat just disguises you temporarily. I feel better now, as I am halfway “there” again. But the thinner I get the less I feel like myself. I am now trying to get used to a healthier body feeling normal to me. This time.
Yes, I hear you. Thank you for writing this. I’ve successfully reached the “after” and had a similar experience. I gained back all the weight I lost. In the “after” I was still uncomfortable with myself, still cry uncomfortable in my skin. I still covered and hid myself. It wasn’t the magic I expected. I’m working on being comfortable with who I am. I’ve made great progress. I still have a long ways to go. Thank you for writing this. I know exactly how that feels.
That is one thing that people like me never is going to understand why food become such a enemy to certain number of people like this lady. I love food and no matter how much I eat my waight reminds the same. It is a truly shame that in a world were famine does exits, exist certain group of people who have the privilege of choosing to eat or not to eat. Whereas in this precise moment there are millions who would get a bullet for an once of the very basics of food. Of what are you proud?? Are you proud of playing God, deciding whether to eat today or no. What I see on the “after” is the same person with inferiority complex traying to gain fake self-steem by other people’s comments. If you want to be a roll model that lazy overfeed of your kind, you should try to impress others with your inferiority complex. Teach them discipline Which is what they luck
I hear you ! Sitting here crying. I was there physically and not mentally and now I’m back to before and still hating myslef. I hear you…
I am at the BEFORE and I get you! Oh. thank you so much for putting these vulnerable words out there to nourish readers! You nourish famished souls.
thank you so much for posting this. it’s the first time i’ve ever read that someone feels the way i do. i thought i was crazy. i was embarrassed to tell people how i feel. i’m not even at my “after”. i’m about half way to my goal weight. but i don’t recognize myself when i look in the mirror. i don’t understand this body. i don’t recognize myself when i look at photos of me when i was at my highest weight, either. so confusing. congratulations on your weight loss, because it is an achievement, however hard it was and is. i wish you luck on the rest of your journey.
Beautiful. That’s just it – when we have a big goal that we’re sure will bring happiness – and reach it – and the happiness isn’t there… then what? Makes it even harder for “high achievers” (however you want to define that), because there is nothing left to hope for. At least, not the current ways and means… and then we begin again – and we begin on the inside. Namaste – beautiful!
Thank you more than you ever will know. Your post was EXACTLY what I’ve been feeling. I couldn’t have put it more eloquently than you have. Thank you. You’re heard. And you’ve inspired. Time to go rediscover me…
Thank you again.
So very glad I found this! Someday you and I will go on a hike together once my journey gets further along! I started a blog too scottsjourney1976 my first post was my life starting at 698lbs. Love the process right!
You said that you uncovered yourself, one pound at a time. So what you are facing is the first time you’ve ever seen your real ‘self’ naked. The real you had been hiding behind the weight, but that protection is gone. It is a traumatic thing to lose that defense and have to face yourself and the world without it. But you were strong enough to shed your cloak and you are strong enough to see yourself and come to love and accept yourself. You are evolving, not changing to some magical after. I know you can do it, but you also have to know that you can move to the next stage of your life.
This is exactly what I needed to read in this moment… Thank you for your raw honesty
I hear you, sister. Loud and clear.
This is an amazingly genuine post, and I really appreciate someone who has been a “before” writing it, and writing it so eloquently. As women, I think we tie a great deal of our self esteem and perceived value to the number on the scale.
The want/need to lose weight has been part of who I am for just about as long as I can remember. In high school, as a cheerleader, I was a base in our pyramids because I was one of the ‘big girls.’ I weighed 125.
More power to you as you work through your non-scale issues. May your victories there be as significant as the changes on your scales.
Oh I hear you loud and clear! I’m still early in my journey and I struggle with so many of these things in my head. Some that want to sabotage my efforts. It’s an ongoing struggle I know you know. Thank you for writing about it here, it really does help! And gives me perspective. Bless you in your discovery!
came across this on my Facebook newsfeed and I’m so glad I did! I cried reading it as it felt like it was my own words, my own story so very similar. Body confidence comes with time and I do hope you soon realise just how beautiful you are, before, after and now!
Hali x
I just came across your post via a friend of a friend of a friend on Facebook. We don’t know each other, but I felt compelled to tell you how moved I was by your post, and to thank you for sharing it. Best wishes for your continued journey, wherever the destination may be.
I hear you, learning to love yourself is hard I am still learning. I wish I could have traveled this journey with you but this is my 1st time finding you. I need a confidant though to loose weight with, to be healthy again.
Thank you
This is so spot on. I once tried to explain to a fit friend that being fat is literally like having a safety vest on. It protects you from people because people don’t notice you as much or engage with you as much. I know this because I suddenly lost a lot of weight due to anxiety and severe depression. I noticed that people all of a sudden were nicer to me. And that hurt because I was feeling the worst about myself that I ever have and now people were being nicer than ever to me because of how I looked. It was like getting slapped on the other side of the face.
My friend couldn’t understand. “Why don’t you want people to notice you? Wasn’t that a good thing that they were nicer to you?” I couldn’t make him understand that being nice to me just because I looked good was just the same as being treated poorly if I looked bad, it was jut the other side of the voice. In neither situation was I being treated well because of who *I am*. To me it was better to be left alone and fat because at least I had that fewer people to deal with.
You’re so right about having to learn to deal with yourself no matter what your weight because if you don’t you’re just skinny with problems instead of fat with problems.
I’ve not struggled with my weight to the extent of some others, but I’ve stared at my reflection time after time throughout my life and been disappointed. This year I gave birth to my first child and only then did it dawn on me how miraculous and precious and amazing our bodies are. They deserve our respect no matter what their apparent “shortcomings.” Every woman’s body is beautiful – let’s take care of them!
Jesus hears you, he made you so special and Isaiah 41:13 says “I am holding you by your right hand–and I say to you, Don’t be afraid; I am here to help you”. Give it all to him.God Bless you!!
Congratulations! It looks like you have a few readers.
Thank you for an amazing post. I’m still on my number journey but my mental one seems to be keeping up. I related to your journey deeply. XX
Thank you for saying what I feel.
I became a life model so that I would like who I was now, in preparation for who I would be when. But I am still in the now. Your post as opened a door within, one I can slowly pries open and explore my feelings and find the strength to face the endless questions.
Onwards and Upwards
Brave and powerful words!
I think that the problem is that there is no “after”. No big epiphany, no miraculous change, no restarting of life. World doesn’t stop for a while, everything just continues. This may come as a disappointment. Outward appearance changes, but inside stays the same, insecure and vulnerable.
Take a joy in what you have achieved, as it was a difficult struggle, and you came victorious. Every time, when in doubt, remember “hey, I battled with myself – and won”, as you have to have an enormous strength to do so. Use this thought as a support in hard times.
I’m not sure if a happiness is ever possible without some goal, a pursuit of something good in life. I’m unable to find one and I’m not a most cheerful person on the inside. Try to discover one, something you love. And be good to yourself. I wish you luck.
A big hug from somewhere in the Centro-Eastern Europe.
What an amazing story. I to am almost to “after” part of my weight loss journey too. I am 5 10 and weigh 150lbs. I’ve lost about 64 lbs now. I think part of my identity is process of loosing weight too. What do I do with myself after I have “arrived” I sooo get this! Everyone tells me I look great and I need to stop but I look in the mirror and still the pooch in my belly and think, I’ve got to lose it. I don’t feel I am overly skinny. I am in a size 6 and I think I look good in my clothes but not nakey…know what I mean? Thank you soo much for sharing! Drastic weight loss is more than just pounds falling off you. It is an emotional journey and its true that others think you’ve become this different person but you are still the same on the inside. You rock!!! Great Job!
Thank you so much for this. I lost 60 lbs back in 2005, then soon after found out I was pregnant with my third child. It was so hard watching the number go back up. I worked for Weight Watchers…that’s how I lost the weight. Two weeks after my daughter was born, my oldest son was diagnosed with cancer. I struggled to not comfort my fears with food. I lost most of the baby weight, even through the hardest year of my life. He had 10 months of chemo and his leg amputated to save his life. All while caring for him, a 2 yr old and a newborn. After he finished treatment I started providing for the families who also had kids with cancer, started a support group and provided resources. I never got back down to my goal weight that I was in 2005, but I was only about 10 lbs from it. Then I quit working for WW and started to see the weight creep up since the accountability was gone. Then while doing hospital visitation I met a little girl who had just been diagnosed with leukemia that didn’t have parents to care for her. That was in Oct 2013 and since caring for her I have gained to where I am more than I started WW in 2005. It has been a stressful road to walk through this journey again. I get bitter at having to care about what I eat. I find myself “rewarding” myself with ice cream or Starbucks. Just this last week I spoke at a fundraiser event and cried when I saw pictures of myself. I have started tracking again and have lost 4.5 lbs since Sunday. I had planned on going to a meeting today…even added it to my calendar, but my now adopted daughter had to go to the hospital because of fever. She is still on treatment until Dec of this year. I know I still have a lot of challenges in my way, but I’m working to get back to a healthier me. I hope that I can get to the point of loving me through thick & thin. I need to remember to give myself a little more grace and less judgement.
I think we all get lost in the end goal. We are so unhappy where we are at that we just “know” that we will be happier when we are…fill in the blank here. It is all a journey with no true end.
Thank you so much for sharing your truth candidly. I’ve gone through a physical transformation as well over the last 6 years, though it contained varied weight gains and losses throughout it was a different healing transformation at its roots. When I began in 2009, I was driven through the inctdfie hardship of it because I felt for the first time in a very long time if ever, I was moving towards life instead of death. The healing I have experienced since, though massive, continues and though the challenges look very different, they are still there so much and the drive of getting to the “after” as you so put so well has faded as the length of the journey has worn on me deeply. Perhaps it’s time to find some greater peace in the ongoing “during” however hard that may be. Best wishes for your ongoing journey and again, appreciate the insight and light in your words.
this was just wonderful. Being one that lost 80 lbs. and keeping it off for 4 years, I am ashamed to say, I lost myself through pain and health issues and I’ve gained it all back. I’m on “take two” of loosing weight. this has been a REAL inspiration.
all of you, every stage , every age is beautiful. Thank you for such a beautiful sharing of your odyessy into finding ghe treasured jewel within. Wow, you inspire me! Ellen
Beautifully put.
Before or “after”……… you are a beautiful person inside and out.
I lost a good amount of weight almost ten years ago and gained it all back. I did not like the ‘After’. It was flabby and saggy without clothes and with the clothes hiding all of that, I received too much attention for the wrong reasons. Even wearing my wedding ring and standing right next to my husband. My cloak of invisibility was gone and I could not handle it. I hope you, ‘make it’ & that you can continue to keep the weight off. Good luck!
So understand this feeling.
spot ON! Best wishes for your continued progress 🙂
Hi there. My name is Ken Turner and I’ve had a life-long struggle with my weight. I’ve had tremendous highs and tremendous lows (weight, emotionally, etc). I can relate deeply with your story.
I also teach media studies to high school students and we have been discussing hyper-sexuality, hyper-masculinity, media-generated body ideals, etc, and this blog, particularly the most recent entry, would be a spectacular addition to my course material.
With your permission I’d love to use your story as an ongoing part of my curriculum. It truly is spectacular and would be an overwhelmingly valuable asset to my course.
Thanks so much for sharing your journey. It’s wonderful!
Ken
Wow thank you. I’m still recovering and discovering me today. The numbers shouldn’t define…stop looking for the after. Live my best life not chasing a number. But who God designed me to be a beautiful, strong, woman. Today. Truth is like water to the soul.
You took the words out of my mouth. Thank you for putting this out there.
“She’s standing right here, and she is fucking strong.”
So POWERFUL and meaningful to women and girls with image issues—because I feel like I have always had them, growing out of some and into others. I am writing this down with my list to mentally fuel myself thru my first 100 ultra. Along with the one below.
I believe you found what is on the other side of the rainbow:
“There is today. There is now. There is during. There is life.”
Brave, Honest, Vulnerable….. thank you…. your share was that and letting go of weight …( not losing it … I for one do not want to find it ) of that illusion that the weight is a protection from the rest of the world hurting me… and from myself, in fact is what I am beginning to realize. 15 years ago I let go of 35 lbs and it came off easily as I changed my “mind “, changed in the sense of letting go of those negative beliefs and tapes that others have talked about and referred to…. ( I also changed my eating habits ) and I wonder sometimes if it isn’t just part of the journey to uncover what the rest of those tapes are so I can let go of more of what no longer serves me, not just the 10-20 pounds that I wanted to let go of and havent quite been able to but those limiting beliefs that I am declaring that I am willing and eager to let go of. I think liking who I am right now, loving myself unconditionally, feeling good about who I am and how I contribute to the world are some of the things that help me.
YES girl. Just yes. ❤
For sure. The battle with weight is never over. I lost 42lbs a few years back through diet and exercise. I gradually gained back about 14lbs over the following three years through lack of attention to diet. But I have keep it stable for the last 10 years by being (mostly) careful about what I eat. Maintaining a healthy weight is a constant battle against all of the food temptations out there. And, as I have discovered, you can’t out run/cycle/swim a bad diet. But don’t despair. The health benefits in the long term – both physical and mental – will mean that you will most probably enjoy a much happier and healthier middle and old age. And over time, the battle becomes more routine and less arduous. Keep up the great work and feel proud of what you have achieved so far.
You nailed it,spot on..thank you for sharing something im always pondering on..as i am on a self journey of falling totally, madly head over heels in f@#%ing love with Carla!! I hope you too can love yourself more and more every day and it becomes effortless for us!! We rock!!! Xo
Not to be a hater, but if you are loosing weight strictly for self image, than you need to figure out a few more things about life. I lost over 100 pounds, was never upset about my weight, just needed to loose it before I died from it.
Hi there. I certainly didn’t lose weight strictly for self image. At the beginning of my weight loss, I had acid reflux, GERD, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and was well on my way to more health issues. I began my weight-loss journey with Weight Watchers in order to “learn how to eat” because I thought I would need bariatric surgery. Fortunately, I was able to avoid that route. I no longer have any of the above-mentioned conditions. Also, I no longer snore and an old knee injury no longer bothers me. Health has been a huge part of this journey for me. 🙂
So inspirational AND true!! I feel the same way. It’s always present, the struggle. I went to WW and lost 70 pounds and now work for them. So I can totally relate! It’s a struggle to learn to love ourselves. May I share this on my Facebook page?
I have struggled with my weight my whole life..I have lost…I have gained…I have lost…I have gained back more…YOU are an inspiration! Thnak you for sharing. I again am on the weight loss journey. .WISH ME LUCK 🙂
I hear you. I think you are a voice to my thoughts and struggle. I just returned from a family gathering where I had last been seen 135 lbs heavier. Some didn’t recognize me while others never knew I had changed and changed again. I have gotten good at smiling and saying thank you; At lying about the greatness and how I feel. I’m not to my after even. I have 25lbs to go and yet I said I was done to avoid the discussion. I can’t find balance. I will read more of your journey hoping to learn something, but definitely inspired to do more than reach the after. Inspired to see “me” no matter what the number is.
Loud and clear!! As this is what i am working on right now..thank you for this!! I too am on my journey of totally, madly falling head over heels in f@#%ing love with Carla!! I hope as each day goes by where you want to be becomes effortless!! Me too!! We rock!! Xo
Thank you…thank you for sharing your truth….I did think it was about the “magical” after number….very wise. ..blessings on your journey to rediscovering yourself
Thank you. One million times, thank you.
Thank you. One millions times, thank you.
One day at a time. Try to think of it as a gift you have yourself to become a stronger, healthier you.
Your blog is truly inspiring and I feel you’re here for this purpose! It is the ones who experience the deepest pain that rise to the highest plane. I am grateful your blog crossed my path. I’m working on losing weight (again x 10) and feel like this time, I’ve found the perfect way. I have recently landed in a personal development program which has a system packed with super foods that energizes & cleanses my body while providing amazingly calm energy! Weight loss is just a really pleasant side effect! I had been unable to become motivated on my own. I am middle aged and the heaviest I’ve ever been. I know this is why your beautiful blog showed up for me! Like attracts like. Allowing emotions to be truly felt and no longer suppressed is key. No more covering up. Best wishes much appreciation for you.
Thank you writing this post! It brought me to tears. Your words are so poignant. I have struggled with my weight and food and hating myself deeply as well, and judged how “well” I was doing by a number on a scale. You’re right, we are so much more and it takes inner work to discover who we are. We are beautiful and loved no matter what our size!
Thank you for this post. This is something that people who are chronically ill, especially the ones who weren’t chronically ill for at least the first two or three decades of life have to fight. We have to fight the inner contempt of not being able to do everything we want to, and we get outer contempt from others over stupid things like parking spaces, having others think it’s ridiculous that if they want to build something for their place of business, they have to spend money making it accessible to the handicapped. There is only and always the “during” as you say, the right now. You are strong, and you are beautiful inside and yes, one helluva fighter.
Thank you for understanding what I have gone through as well. I dropped 170lbs in about 5 years and when I look in the mirror I still see that guy I was 5 years ago. There are days it is truely gut-wrenching and some days I am ok with it.
I look at food and now I am presented with a challange. Do I eat that or not? Do I cheat and have a piece of that or not? Most days I can do it. Some days I can not and its when those days hit that I truely can hit my low.
I know that I will live with this battle for the rest of my life but at least I know there are others that feel the same way.
Awesome. Thank you. …during
I love the insightful honesty in this post.
Great work!!! Amazing
I understand and feel you well. Just less than three years ago I had lost over 100lbs. Everyone was like you look great and all I kept seeing was the old over weight girl I had been all my life and I let it get to me. I have gained all of it back and then some. What people don’t understand is when you lose the weight it is hard to see yourself as that new person you just see your old self unless you can find a way to change you way of thinking and how you feel inside it is really hard. I wish you all the luck and I hope you find a way to Discover who you are now but at the same point don’t forget where you have come from.
I can’t express how scared I am to admit this is how I feel. I’m never going to be happy with how I look and that’s terrifying. So the only question I have is, how do you learn to love yourself?
Amen, sister! Every day is a lifetime in itself. Goals are important: they help us know where we’re headed. But the steps we take day by day are where the real work (and the real joy!) live.
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your story. It is truly beautiful.
Thanks for sharing. As a therapist and fat woman, I went through a hell of a lot of self-discovery and a journey to self-acceptance, and I work with clients to accept themselves. My weight volleyed up and down for a while as I learned to accept and love myself for who I am – and it has made all of the difference in the world. You are not alone in this struggle – so many of us have external “if only”s – If only I was thinner, if only I had more money, if only I had a different job… the list goes on and on. But the only thing that we can really change to change our battles with ourselves is our relationship with ourselves. It sounds like you’ve learned the hard way that losing weight hasn’t helped you to love yourself more. I’m sorry. 😦 Unfortunately, the only thing that will help with this is a lot of soul-searching, a dedication to self-acceptance that rivals your dedication to changing your relationship with food, and the daily commitment to KNOW and love yourself no matter what. Only when we come to terms with and accept the best and worst of ourselves can we really be happy – and I totally believe this. 🙂 I hope that your journey continues on a path of fulfillment and joy and self-discovery and love. It sounds like you have some pretty awesome support along the way! Again, thanks for sharing. Hugs!!!!
You are an amazingly courageous and brave soul. Thank you for inspiring our world with your truth and inner power.
Sparkles of love and joy,
Jacqueline
Thank you. I have always been scared of losing my weight. For the exact reasons you gave here. Just because I change in one small way, does not mean I change entirely. If I’m not happy now, who is to say I will be happier at a lower weight, who is to say I won’t be. It is just too scary to contemplate.
Reblogged this on The Farmers Taft and commented:
Love. This.
This is powerful stuff. I’m about halfway to goal weight and I really needed to read this today. Thank you.
Thank you! I lost 85lbs 3 years ago and still struggle with food and how I feel about myself. This is a beautiful post and very much appreciated.
I hear you. finding yourself, liking yourself… those are really difficult things to realize, let alone do. I won’t congratulate you, because you don’t wan that. I have faith that you will, with time, find yourslef, like yourself, and eventually love yourself, because you have SEEN THE NEED for that. finding all those things also in not the After. there really is no After, as you have discovered, it is infinite During. I wish you a kind journey. xoxo from a stranger who read this on FB.
That was ringing so many truths for me it’s scary.
That is inspirational. I haven’t found the real me since I was a child !!
Thank you for sharing your words and feelings , it’s good to know I’m not alone
Yes, yes, yes!!! You put into words how I feel when I start losing weight and people treat me differently and say things that are supposed to be positive because it’s the “right” thing to say. I’m still very much struggling with my own weight and trying to lose it so I can be around in another 30 years, but it scares me to lose it because people treat me as if I’m somehow a better person, a more beautiful person, because of it. When in reality, I’m still just me. I loved reading your experience because I now know I’m not alone in that feeling. Happy to see pictures of you out enjoying life, no matter what size you’re wearing!
wow… thank you so much for posting this. I got very heavy, and through tons of sacrifice and hard work, achieved my “After”. I LOVED what I looked like, but I lived in constant fear of “how long will it last? When will the pounds begin to pile on again?” Soon after reaching my After (about three years), I began gaining again. I’m only 15lbs away from my Before once again, and painfully realizing I wasn’t happy then and I’m not happy now. Thank you for sharing your depth, it’s so encouraging ❤
This was such a lovely read, I read the “before” & “after” & as I’m lining up things to prepare for barriattic surgery, this jewel was exactly what I needed. I want to say I love you though I have never met you. Thank you for telling the world your story. May you continue to prosper on this new journey of discovery on finding you. Please continue to write more. Your writings are very encouraging and inspiring. And that is exactly what the universe needs. So thank you dear one.
I’ve never encountered such honesty. Really. Truly. What you say here touches me on a far deeper level of my *self* than I ever expected when I clicked a link in a Facebook notification.
Thank you for what you say here, and especially how you say it. I wish I could be half as honest, courageous, and caring as you have been in this post.
No, I don’t hold you up as better than I am, just more willing to share and risk all that that might entail.
You’ve inspired me to redouble my efforts to be a caring, loving person toward others and myself.
Thank you so much.
Your post is just perfect. Last fall I was diagnosed with diabetes and Hashimotos and a liver problem. I’ve chosen not to take medication, which would have allowed me to keep eating as usual. I found the number on a blood glucose meter to be much more motivating than a number on a scale (which is more likely to go up than down). On a low-glycemic diet, I’ve lost 25 pounds in 6 months. I’m happy with that but I don’t feel like I’m a better person or a different person.
I intend to lose 50 more but because of my age and thyroid that is unlikely to happen. I’ve got to be okay with that, as long as the blood sugar numbers are okay. For me, there can be no AFTER. Diabetes runs in my family. The specter of my aunt lies before me; she died blind and with both legs amputated below the knee. As my body ages and changes, I will have to pay attention. I will have to be honest. I will have to accept the changes and adapt.
Loving myself as I really am will quite literally be the only thing that saves my life. Of course, that was true all along. It just took a medical diagnosis for me to understand that.
Wow. So much truth here.
I hear you loud and clear! You put into words exactly what I have been feeling about losing 115 lbs. I weigh 118-122 depending on the day, and I am learning that my battle with food will never be over. Some days I honestly think that I am worthy of being happy. Other days I see how far I have come and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry, I meant that I am not worthy of being happy.
I wish I knew about this before I started writing my blog called “Searching For My After” where I’m currently testing 12 diets in 12 months. I’ve been hoping to snap an ‘After’ photo all my adult life… I’ve gotten close, but I always gain it back and then some. This goal has consumed me and for the most part, made me miserable, especially since I’ve never attained it.
Thank you for managing my expectations and reminding me that the journey does not end when I reach a certain number.
I wish you all the very best, and I hope that all of us struggling with our weight stop counting calories and start counting our blessings instead!
Mare
I see you, I hear you. You’re going to be ok.
I cannot believe what I just read…. I have been struggling with the same thought process as you described one hundred percent! I didn’t know if anyone ever get the exact same way! I just wanna thank you for opening up and actually expressing it rather then bottle it up like I’ve done for the last 2 years.
Jake
I do have to congratulate you at dropping the weight, not because you lost the weight, but because it takes a very strong, determined, and focused person to be able to do this. Not every body can find this strength in themselves!
Moreover, it is this strong personality that will see you successful in anything you decide to put your mind on. Many people come across these “empty zones”, especially athletes.. Reaching a goal is being identified with “being done”, but it´s not. There is always better, more, something else. For an athlete this is easier to fill in with another athletic target, but for non-athletes, or retired athletes, there is this excruciating nothing. But I promise you, something will come up that inspires and motivates you onto whatever next level that will bring you (just can´t promise you how long)
Thank you for being so brave and honest, and sharing you story. Best of luck with whatever comes on your path next, regardless of what the nr on the scale says. xx
Your struggle reminds me of a friend with a different monkey on her back. She’s been sober for a while but fought off and on for years. I thought: sober = problem solved! No. She now focuses on positive groups, books, and counseling. She says she loves herself for the first time ever. I always thought she was a strong happy person. She is finally working on herself. I know she’s not done. There is never done, just closer. Thank you for sharing. Hope your next goals go well.
I LOVE your post! You are so dead-on right! The heavier you was not someone to be pitied and the thinner you is not “acceptable” now. You always were and always will be acceptable, lovable, someone of worth, and someone to be admired at ANY WEIGHT. You are still you and I wish our culture could see and promote real beauty- the beauty of our inner souls
I HEAR you and I’m so glad you are talking about this. On the same journey. Weight gain or weight loss aside-I want to learn to love ME no matter what. I understand the words “unconditional love” but am yet unable to behave that way toward myself. That is my journey.
Congratulations. As counterintuitive as it seems you’ll be happier when you focus your attention on others. Make others your goal. Take disadvantaged kids hiking, or something focused outward.
This is the best thing I have read in a very long time. You’re words are so deep, so personal, so moving, and couldn’t be any truer. THANK YOU for sharing this with the world , this is definitely what I needed to hear. You are beautiful!
There is no before or after. I agree. There is beauty, each and every step of the way. I have just turned 50 — and it has taken me this long to realize it. Enjoy your during. Enjoy your beauty.
You look fantastic and must have worked very hard to lose all that weight. But you’re right, being thin doesn’t equal happiness and satisfaction. That has to come from other parts of your life, like family, friends, hobbies, work, accomplishments. Now you can focus on who you are rather than how much you weigh.
Wow
Good luck.
i wish you happiness on your great journey! so many of us dont know how to deal with the hole at our center. you are brave and wise, and strong. thank you.
Thank you for sharing where you are in the story of your life. I like how you recognize the need to love yourself first- that is the struggle worth having. I don’t want to sound preachy- I may come off that way anyway. For me, religion and a absolute belief in a God who loves me no matter what, and an eternal perspective in my life, are the things that fill me up with contentment, peace, light. Physical strength is just one part. Emotional and spiritual strength are just as hard to master… Give yourself the time to find them. Oh, go look up the poem ‘Desiderata’ I promise it isn’t a waste of time.
this has got to be the very most honest statement I have ever heard about someone’s outside transformation. Thankyou so much for that. I love the new goal. I am starting a weight loss plan and Inam going to keep everything you blogged in my head and try to do both or all 3, transform with all of my mind/body/&spirit💗
I hear your story. I’ve been fat and been thin and been miserable at both. I only sorted my relationship with food and began feeling consistently positive when I balanced my brain chemistry through nutrition
I read Kathleen Desmaisons Potatoes Not Prozac and got support through the website Radiant Recovery to make the changes that make the difference
So now, no more depression, no more cravings and a feeling of being settled and calm in myself comes from knowing what and when to eat
Really worth looking into and I’m happy if you ask me more about it or check it out for yourself
u rock! So, in love w u and what you’re saying.
I think you’ve done a lot and grown a lot though. Def don’t think you’re the same person you were before this process though. You have a wisdom and realness that only comes from experience, which you now have so much of. :). Thx for sharing
Thank you.
You have voiced what was in my gut and altered my course of action as a result. Thank you
I understand exactly. I went from 240lbs to 140lbs. It was a struggle. I kept getting told by people that I was still wearing my “fat” clothes. I needed to start dressing thin. I didn’t feel thin, I felt the exact same way I did at 240lbs. I was still that same person and I didn’t love myself. In fact, I hated myself. I had a lot more shedding to do, only this time is was layers of me and not layers of fat. I finally discovered myself after an accident almost killed me. I actually died 3 times and suffered slight brain damage. It changed me as a person. It woke me up and I discovered a lot about me that I hadn’t known before. That I was stronger than I ever though possible and a survivor. I realized that while I was thinner than ever and now my entire stomach, which I fought so hard to make perfect, was deformed and yet, I loved the new me for the first time in a lot of years. Scars, deformity and all. It was a battle but I got there. 🙂
This describes so much of my battles with food and weight and me for most of my adult life snd I’m in my 50s . A few years ago something clicked, I needed to have fun now, like myself with my imperfections and gradually renegotiate my relationship with food. I have lost 6 stones, really slowly (no melting for me) I could do with losing another stone and hopefully I will get there, but losing weight is not who I am. Good luck with whatever you do, and thank you for sharing something that speaks to so many of us x
This is a very powerful story and often we forget the “After” consequences. For anyone on a journey to lose weight, I feel they need to change their relationship with food first to actually crave and want healthy options. Secondly find some goals that you might not be able to do when being obese. As you say there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but if, for example, you are too scared to wear bikini or swimwear, set your time for weight loss realistically and book a beach holiday for that time. Reward yourself. For others being active is more difficult when heavily overweight and our organs start to shut down. I could not imagine being unable to play with my kids or worse case, getting so ill that it becomes fatal (food related illnesses) and I am no longer and round to see them grow up. As you say it is not simply a before and after, it is the whole process of finding a new identity. Focus on those goals throughout.
Your honesty is so refreshing and helpful! It is kind of you to share your thoughts…you cannot know how many you have helped in their struggles with weight…but be assured you have helped many with your honest feelings that you expressed so well! Learning to love the inner human being regardless of the outer shell is a life-long learning experience.
You’re not alone! You’re right that too many people expect you too be happy because you’ve achieved your goal. After years of my weight being up and down I think it’s better to think about being fit now rather than being thin, this way you focus on the benefits of weight loss in a more healthy, less superficial way. Don’t be scared, be determined to keep fit and healthy, don’t focus on the numbers too much. Beauty is just as important inside as out. Good luck 🙂
You are perfectly beautiful ❤
I’m really glad that one of my friends shared this on Facebook. I have to admit, I don’t and have never struggled with my weight but I had never really thought about the internal struggle people go through when on their weight loss journey, which has no actual end but a continued journey that is taken day by day. There is a misconception that losing weight will make you feel good about yourself because you ‘look good’ but when reading your blog I’ve realised how much that really just isn’t the case. I have personally struggled with self worth issues and in all honesty, one of the best things for changing the way I thought about myself was studying yoga. No matter your age, ability or size, it truly brings freedom to the mind. I understand it is not for everyone but to give a little bit of background on why I think it helps with this, here is a little about me. I suffered with anxiety most of my life and had to take medication but by studying yoga I’ve now been off it for almost 18 months. Sure there are still ‘bad days’ but the good outweigh them. My reply to your post is meant to help, and not hinder and again, thank you for sharing as it has really opened my eyes.
Beautifully put. Thank you for the enlightenment. I am right now reshaping my body and I am happy with what I see. I haven’t had the problem of not loving myself but I thank you for giving this insight into what others might feel. And even though I have always felt loved, I can see I need to be careful about my goals for my body and appreciate every nook and cranny. I hope you find yourself, when you do, give yourself a big hug from me 🙂
Thank you for this post. I went from 305 to 185 in the span of about a year. It has been nearly 2 years now and it is still hard to reconcile the big me with the new me. I still have to be mindful of what I eat and I sometimes have the argument in my head about that slice of pizza or a cookie. But the one thing that I have come to accept as truly different between before and after is that I can. The heavy me couldn’t run or be active. The heavy me struggled to get through the day. But now I look at things and say I run 5 k’s and 10 k’s. I changed my whole life and life style. If I can do that I can figure out how to do anything. I congratulate you on your weight loss. You look amazing. But it is more the pack slung over your shoulder and the fact that so many of your after pictures show someone doing something and not just trying to get through something being done that are amazing. I hope you can learn to love the skin you are in and be proud of your accomplishments. Not because of the socially accepted look you attained or the number on the scale but because you chose to make yourself stronger and healthier, you made the investment in yourself, and you serve as a motivation to so many people out there struggling with I can’t. Thank you.
Right now I am at ‘during’ right after the ‘before’. I once was at ‘during’, close to ‘after’….. It makes no difference. I am who I am. I am still me, with or without fat. Right now, right here I want to be accepted, loved, befriended, told I am beautiful, strong, interesting, creative, intelligent, happy. Because I am.
I know there are more to us than is meeting the eye. Now, then or later. I too am scared of after. Maybe that is why I made an about turn so many times before. Expectations? Of myself and others not only to look different, but BE different. What if I am NOT different? What if I am the same? What if I still don’t like the outdoors, hiking, running, going to the gym, going to parties? What if I still like to stay indoors, to draw, paint, dream spend time with my family. What if I still don’t make new friends easily and hold on to old, dear friends for life. What if I’m not happier, perkier, more excited about life. What if I’m still scared? What if my before and after inside are still the same? What if I’m still me?
At after, will I be able to stay quiet and listen to others, well meaning bad-mouth the old me in order to compliment the ‘new me’? Will I cringe and smile and agree? Or will I stand up for myself and who I am, who I was, and who I always will be?
All this to say: I hear you!!
Wow – just wow. I just randomly bumped into your blog, but i felt compelled to give a comment becourse you completely threw me off the ground. It started out with some long comment, but id actually much rather keep it to this.
Posts like this impacts and changes lives and proofs that your are exactly what you said – You are fucking strong. And your conclusion is the most positive thing i have ever heard – life is all about about living. Thanks for making my day all the more positive 🙂
Brilliantly put.
There is today. There is now.
So true.
Thank you so much for sharing, very emotional, very true, very here and very now. It’s similar to where I’ve been. Felt like I was living, now I know I was existing. Ready for the next step, we can all do it, without apology, without regret, living for the now and not simply for the future.
My sister had read this post and told me to come and read it. I am so glad that I did. My husband and I had Gastric Bypass surgery in 2003. I can’t lie. There was definitely a honeymoon period when we were over the moon with ourselves. Then in 2005, I lost that precious man, and I was angry with my weight loss, I tried eating more than I could and threw up all night, and it took me ten years to figure out what I needed to do. You know what? It didn’t have anything to do with weight. It didn’t make any difference when I was becoming a physician assistant or working as a nurse. You are so right. There is not AFTER. No magic hour. Just now. And we have to do what we are here to do no matter what the scale says or anything or anyone else. Thanks for the reminder.
You have really highlited something very important here. A world that values control, a good thing but it’s all gone a little mad. You are Beautifull whatever way you look. It does look like you have enjoyed things that are healthy and fun like hiking, these mental and physical benefits are a nice reward for your efforts, something you may not have enjoyed before. Embrace the good you reap, as my painting teacher told me, know when to stop and reward yourself with a pat on the back for a good job. Now you have look at your good fortune within the scheme of things in the world. Remember, each one of us are unique, enjoy that and tell yourself occasionally you love yourself, you are Beautifull, the end, the after. x😀😀😀❤️xx
Totally agree with ur blog, u are still u…but it’s others that feel the need to say u’ve changed. My husband and I found it very difficult while losing a lot of weight in the past…it’s others that made the journey so weird and uncomfortable, but I said back when losing the weight we really needed the help of a psychologist as the transition of losing a lot of weight was bizarre. We are still the same person with weight or without the weight!!!!
I can relate. I’m still struggling at 225 as I did at 400 pounds. It’s one day at a time I think about my weight every day when I should be thinking about living.
Hi All! This post and your comments really touched me. I have been there in a different way. My weight didn’t fluctuate more than 15-20 pounds, but I still hated my body and me. I was bulimic, and the bulimia stopped way before liking and loving me started. Similar to what you’re saying… you can lose the weight and still struggle with who you are, I stopped binging and purging but that didn’t change my relationship with me.
My journey to loving myself started when the bulimia stopped. I feel like many of you are there now. I want to let you know that the next part of your journey is going to be friggin amazing! Ok, possibly an uphill one, but trust me it’s beautiful along the way and at the top! I’ve been on this road for 7-8 yrs now. And through the ‘loving me’ part of the journey, I’ve found the real me. And that part of me that wants to help other women who struggle with food and their weight, love themselves and find their True You.
If this speaks to you, I’d love to connect with you. My website is http://www.thetrueyouproject.com and I co-run a private fb group that provides a space for women to discover and love themselves. http://www.facebook.com/groups/lovefoodlovelife Hope to see you there! ❤
Thank you so much for sharing! I love that you credit your “before” self for being just as strong and worthy as your current self. So often we forget that our “compliments” are actually very hurtful to the person’s struggle, de-valuing the person, only to praise the “after.”
You are beautiful (each step of the way), and I truly hope that both you and I learn to love ourselves in the skin we are in.
I can hear you. X
I am 56 years old and know exactly what you’re feeling. I still struggle with it everyday. I always said I was afraid of success. It’s frightening and you’re not alone.
I am a 55 year old woman who has been fat for at least 52 of those years. Yes…52. I wasn’t pretty and plump or cute and chunky. I was FAT! Believe me when you are FAT you are reminded daily…like you might forget from one minute to the next. When you wake up and look in the mirror you see FAT, when you get in the shower you see FAT, when you get dressed you see FAT, when you get in your car you see FAT, when you leave your FAT haven and go out in the public you are FAT and you are quickly reminded by the stares, the giggles, and the jokes. The list goes on. If I lost weight people noticed and if I gained weight people noticed. If I had a new hair style, new outfit, new car, new job or a big ugly pimple in the middle of my face no one noticed. After a thousand diet attempts and a thousand and one diet failed attempts, I had a lap band procedure. It worked for a while. Regretfully, I did not, could not or would not (unsure which one or why) follow the regimented program. I ate too much, too often and all the wrong things. As I began to eat I quickly began to gain and the more I gained the more I practiced the fine art of making myself throw up. It somehow seemed like the punishment fit the crime or the pain was the payment for the pleasure. I wound up having to have the fluid taken out of my band because of continued health problems from the abuse I was actively subjecting my body to. The fact that the acceptance, happiness, peace and self love that I so desired wasn’t there made me more depressed, frustrated, defeated and angry than ever before. I kept on telling the doctor you may have all the tools necessary to make me thin but you don’t have the tools necessary to make me love me. Seems to me that it out of order completely. People that never really “REALLY” battled their weight think it is easy and that those of us that do are lazy, sloppy and uneducated. Fat people are discriminated against openly, daily, publically, freely and somehow justifiably. I hope to someday find myself at peace regardless of my dress size or what someone else thinks I should look like. I am a Christian and know and believe God loves me just as I am. I am trying very hard to build on the fact that He loves me sight unseen and ultimately He is the only one that has the right to judge me. I am defined as being obese…but being obese does not define me. The road isn’t easy and it isn’t short…it is a journey. God bless all those who suffer from this problem.
Reading your comment was really inspiring! One thing I feel we (fatties) can’t forget is how brave we really are. It takes guts (pun intended) to step outside knowing how the world feels about our bodies. It’s none of their business! You are right. We are discriminated against. Every.Day.Just like when I go to a new Dr. and each time I’m told lose weight and it will solve all my problems and that it is MY ONLY PROBLEM. My weight is not a scapegoat for all my “problems”. But I keep going. Keep struggling. Keep trying. That’s the love I have for myself. Some days it is enough to eat healthy and exercise, but sometimes it’s only enough to climb into clothes I hate and leave the house feeling ashamed and sorry for myself. If you haven’t struggled REALLY struggled, you will never understand that. Ever. We are discriminated against on so many levels, but we keep going. We are strong! I am proud to be a “fat lady” I’ve been one my whole life just like you. It doesn’t mean I’m always happy about my body, or satisfied in my own skin, but everyday I get up and I try. That’s what makes us who we are. I’ll never be ashamed of that. Ever. Neither should any of us.
“Afters” are for epitaphs. You’ve reached a milestone in which you can take pride, but there’s more life and living to be done! Your struggles and persistence continue to be inspiring.
I understand I have been there. I went through a 4 month program that saved my life.
Createagreatlife.org
Reblogged this on Deeper breaths: a life in transformation and commented:
Reading this strikes a huge cord with me, so many thoughts to digest
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I’m sitting here crying as I read this. It’s all so very true! I’m tired of hearing “well you lost 100, so you’re done”. Sorry, I’m not. I still have struggles. I always will. I’m still on my journey and it will be a life long journey. Fit is a way of life, not a destination.
I’m reading. I hear you. I’m your before, but I’m also your after. That is; I have weight to lose but I’m living every single day.
Every night my Mr6 asks us all around the dinner table what’s the best part of our day and what’s the worst part. I always find a best and worst – weight having nothing to do with them. That’s how I choose to live. Yes, I want continue losing weight and to be healthier but that won’t define me any more. It’s all about the best and worst of every day.
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I hear you and I will take your words to heart. I will work on being happy now–the during–instead of waiting for the after! Thank you, and God bless!
Kudos to you for recognising your being. It sounds like you are well on your way to enjoying yourself. The paradox of life seems to be that we live between two opposing emmotions. Some of the key seems to be enjoying the sine wave of the back and forth. Embrace your strength and your weakness, your growth with achievement and your growth with not meeting an expectation. Thank you for sharing your honesty, it makes a difference and contributes to how we embrace each other. xx
This is the first post I’ve read of yours. A friend re-posted it on FB and I clicked.
I hear you. I had gastric bypass 5 years ago and am at my “after”. From now on I will be thinking about it as my “during”. Things changed for me, mentally, once I started really considering food as an addiction. After years of therapy with a hundred different therapist,s I changed my tactic and went to an addictions counselor. It was whole different experience and I finally broke through. Instead of blaming my issues on being lazy, having no will power, blaming my parents, and all of the other hateful things we fat people think about ourselves and our food issues, I realized that it’s not about the food. The food could be alcohol or drugs or sex or shopping. We chose food. It’s not about the food. IT’S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD! Once I got that through my head, it took a whole bunch of pressure off of me. No wonder none of those diets worked. It was never about what I was eating and it never will be. You’re right. It will be a constant battle for the rest of our lives just like alcohol for an alcoholic or drugs for a drug addict. It’s supposed to be. We’re ADDICTS.
Here are a couple of things that have helped me the most, then and now…
Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth (http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543082/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1429877322&sr=8-1&keywords=women+food+god)
http://www.momastery.com
Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. One day at a time.
Foodaddicts.org
I spent years in other programs, this saved my life and my sanity (what was left of it anyway!) 🙂
I had 160 lbs to lose, obese my whole life. You are correct, the food was just a teeny symptom. This program was FREE and gave me the best friends I’ve ever known. People that “get me”.
You are “beautifully and wonderfully made”. God doesn’t see things the world sees, he sees the heart. You are seen, heard AND loved.
Amen!
Amen, indeed!! And add a Hallelujah to that!
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Thank you so much for sharing this truth about yourself. I think you have touched on what so many of us feel, but can’t even describe or understand. This is beautifully written and touching! Good luck to you in your self discovery and may you find joy and peace.
Matthew 16:24
John 7:38
– fellow weight loss survivor
Thank you for posting your raw feelings. I’m struggling with a different issue, though similar emotions. I was diagnosed with diabetes out of the blue. I am a good weight for my height (5′ 9″ and 162), and (as a runner) I carry my pounds in my legs and not in my belly, but genetics and age (45) caught up to my pancreas. I struggle with the numbers on my meter and with the emotions I now equate with food (carbs are evil and protein is my friend), emotions I never had before and that scare me. I long for an “after diabetes” time of life that just will never come. As sorry as I am to hear you are fighting an internal struggle, it helps me to know I am not alone with my demons. Hugs.
I HEAR you!!! I’ve struggled with food my entire life. As well as struggling with my body. SO tired of it. You’ve worked hard, congratulations on your achievement. You were beautiful then and you are now.
I’m just starting my Before, and I recognize the process isn’t JUST about losing the weight, it’s about uncovering and dealing with the issues that got me this way in the first place. So yes… I hear you. And it sounds like a lot of people do. You’ve got a network, a social safety net. I do too, and they let me fall into them when I fall, no matter whether it’s fear, or panic, or desperation, or grief, or anxiety, that pushes me off the cliff. You got this. (Not easily by a long shot, but the same way the weight came off: “one day at a time, one breath at a time; one foot in front of the other.”)
You have opened my eyes..I too have truggled with myself and food, numbers, weight all my life..Your blog is enlightening.
Thank You
Thank you so much for the vulnerability, transparency and realness of your story! I’ve worked with girls for 17 years, and know this battle of image is always with us. As I read through your story, the thing that kept standing out at me is that our STORY a lot of times defines our STRUGGLE. Until we truly understand there is a hole that’s inside of all of us they can only be filled through a relationship with Jesus Christ, we will continue to try to fill that with anything and everything. If you would ever like to talk, I would totally do that. All I know is that my relationship with Jesus Christ has given my life meaning and fulfillment, that nothing else in this world can give.
Awesome! You are awesome. Thanks for sharing!
I agree with the poster who talked about addiction. Your brain is different now. Chemically. Give yourself at least two years for the chemicals to adjust. It has more to do with brain chemistry than you think.
This blog made me cry. It really hit home for me because I have the same struggles. I have bounced from 120 to 350 at five-foot two inches back and forth for years. I’ve battled health issues because of my compulsion and have barely escaped the self hatred.
I think that’s what made this post so powerful for me. I have a very difficult time seeing any good in me when “I’m fat”. The truth that you pointed out is spot on – you’re still you. I’m still me at 350 as I am at 130. All that maybe changes is my activity level and life style but not necessarily my relationship with food or how I view things. I really want everyone to read this because I don’t know of anyone in my life who has this perspective.
My friends and family mostly believe that I’ll be “better”, “happier”, or whatever when I’m “normal-sized”. But I think the truth is if I don’t have any self love it will not matter where my body weight lands.
God is loving and has blessed me so much, I’m just trying to do as He desires so I can be more fruitful… starting with forgiving and having compassion for this saved yet fallen soul, me.
Great Post! I am waiting to get approved for my surgery date and this is a great reminder to start living, doing, and loving myself more today, not just after I have the surgery or when I lose the weight
thank you ❤
I don’t normally read blogs & I certainly never comment, but I was SO moved by what you said, I felt compelled to comment.
I cannot say that I understand where you have been or your journey because, at 5’9″ my weight has ranged between 125 & 160 … BUT … I DO understand this statement:
“I weigh 120 pounds and still struggle with my weight. Losing weight does not mean you no longer struggle with your weight; I wish I had truly understood that. I still struggle with food. I still struggle with me.”
I was already moved by your post, but when I read that part, tears flowed down my cheeks.
What existsnon the outside is what others see but it’s not always what we see. My experience is different, but I know that “happy face.” When others are telling you how thin you look or saying how great you look, you cringe and think hard of something nice & appropriate to say because you aren’t in agreement with what they’re saying.
We spend our lives believing that when we reach “thin,” it’s going to make it ALL better.
I reached too thin, thinking I had reached the promise land … you know what I found? I found I wanted to see if I could drop more, eat less, workout harder. All the while listening to people talk about how “old & drawn” I looked and how “real women have curves” (I had lost ALL of mine. I was in a training bra and belting my pants to keep them up. I was actually losing muscle mass due to over exercising and steadily decreasing my caloric intake.)
You’re right … there IS no AFTER.
But you’re also right in that there IS a “during.”
And maybe that’s okay, maybe “during” is enough.
I’m now at a healthy 135. I don’t count calories. My exercise is some low-impact strength training, a beginner core workout and “chair yoga” (I’m 41 & have numerous joint problems) & I never run more than a mile a day (I was doing 6.5). I have curves again and I REFUSE to use my scale more than a couple of times a month. And maybe I go down or up a couple of pounds here & there. But emotionally, mentally, psychologically, when it comes to my body image issues, I’m healthier than ever before. I take it a day at a time, when I get “that” feeling, I just choose to not look in the mirror until it passes because I know “it’s” wrong.
This is my “during” … there is no “after” … and I think, just maybe, “during” is enough.
I hope that you find your inner happy. I hope that you find your peace. I hope that you find love for yourself.
One day at a time. It’s all any of us can do. ❤
Yes–you are heard. And you are right.
After reading this blog I was compelled to comment which I never do. Weight is my life battle also. I want to say thank you for posting this and feel it was meant for me to read. You hit the nail on the head..no matter what the number on the scale says, you’re still you…I will remember your words for a long time if not forever. I applaud your diligence thru the weight loss though and for finding out what the true after is because I had never thought of it that way. I can see the beautiful person you were and are on the inside and out in both your “before” and “after” pics and I don’t even know you personally…but also know you’ve brought up what is important for a successful “after” and by posting this blog will do good things for someone who reads it.
I just discovered your blog, and am really impressed by your dedication and hard work! I, too, have a weight-loss journey to look back to (I have now been at my “goal” of 125 lbs with 21% body fat for over a year) and I know first hand just how hard it can be. I admire your accomplishments, and i think you are a great inspiration! ❤
Thank you for searing, every word was like a part af my story and so many others. My hart goes out to you and all others that are struggling with the beast that we have inside us. This is a slow prosess and it took me a long time to face that beast but I do it one day at a time…
Thank you for sharing your profound observations and journey with us. You are a person of great character for doing that. You’re also an excellent writer. May peace find you. Many blessings and blue skies ♡
Erin
Yes – I can hear you! I hear you and I am with you! Thank you for your words. I don’t know if I am closer to After than to Before, but I am going to try to be During – more Now. I am going to maybe try to be kinder to myself – my Self. For some reason when I look in the mirror I can see Me, but when I look at pictures (rare – because I hide from them), I can only see Her and all Her flaws. Time to reevaluate what I see and to stop hiding. Thank you for the nudge.
I recognise the feelings you express here. I lost a lot of weight last year, but I still struggle with food, my weight, how I feel about my body and all of the connections between these things. If someone has an answer to this, I would love to know it!
Yes, yes, yes. I hear you. And you are beautifully, perfectly onto just the thing that eludes us all in the before, the during, and the after, which is that there is no “before,” “during,” or “after.” There is only this moment and as soon as we step out of it, we’re sunk. Stay in the moment. Wishing you, and all of us, peace.
I hear you!! I just lost almost sixty pounds and may finally reach my “goal weight” (less than 3 pounds to go). I look great on the outside but I am always thinking “I’M STILL ME!!!!” on the inside. When people say–“Wow, you lost a TON of weight”, I don’t think they realize that I’m still me!! Same person–same feelings–just in a better looking package! I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and I really believe “I’ve got this”, this time; but regardless if I gain it all back or not–
I’M STILL ME!! 🙂
So much of my self-worth is tied to my weight. I know that for the past twenty years of trying to lose weight, I’ve always had this voice telling me that everyone will finally see “the real me” (i.e., the part of me that is worthy of love). I’ve always thought it was funny how I could be the biggest person in the room and yet also feel like the most invisible.
Your blog entry really speaks to me and reminds me that I am who I am now, in this moment. If I ever succeed in losing this weight, I will be the exact same person. So I need to remember to love myself now. And to truly enjoy living now, even at this large size. I am grateful to know that I am not alone in struggling to grasp this fact. Thank you for your beautiful blog.
You now have a fair shot at 20 additional years of life and 40 additional years of good health and energy during which your can discover yourself. As much as you’re concerned the continuity of chemical processes that is you, that blanket of adipose you were carrying around with you was going to suffocate you. The joint pain, the chronic pain caused directly by hormones released by your fat, the eventual high blood pressure, diabetes, early heart failure, sleep apnea, skin fold infections that were your future, that is gone, wiped away by your hard work and determination. Don’t you DARE downplay the gift you’ve given yourself!
Here’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself already. You set a goal, and you damned well deliver, I wish you all the best with your new goals. Your playing field is now wide open with possibilities.
Thank you for being so honest. I know it is not easy to expose your deepest fears to the world but don’t you feel better for having gotten the words out. You are not alone. Lots of us have a bad opinion about ourselves.
I just try to remind myself and my daughter that we do not have to be perfect. God did not made us perfect on purpose. Everyone has flaws. Its our job to learn to accept those flaws. Big or small, its how you feel on the inside that matters. I accept my short comings, some like procrastination, which I excel at, is an ongoing flaw at which I work to improve, but I don’t worry to much if I back slide, I just start each new day with good intentions and take life as it comes. Dealing with stuff as it happens if possible and asking for help when needed.
Losing the weight shows how strong you are, I know you can overcome the hard stuff.
I love this post I feel like so many people lose themselves their real selves while trying to become who they have always imagined… I’ve come to realize that your weight is always going to be a number and the thing that has really helped me keep myself happy while I battle with weight loss is looking at myself daily and saying in the mirror… I love you… Someone once told me that you cannot love someone else without first loving yourself and at the time this broke me because I didn’t love myself when he had said this I hated myself and after I came to the conclusion that he was so right I looked at the situation I was in and was not happy and changed it I changed my whole life and people judged me for being “selfish” as everyone tries to guilt you into believing but honestly if you can’t love yourself who can you love and be as happy and well rounded as you can be!
I hear you. #hugs I’m pretty sure this concept is the major reason I’m struggling to uncover myself in the first place.
I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember, which is how I too came to the blogging world. After I lost my weight, I still wasn’t happy. I’m still not happy. Thank you for posting.
Wow you’ve articulated so much that I have experienced. I shared your post on Facebook and it resonated with so many women. Thank you
Yes, you are heard….and your words are golden and appreciated. I wish this push to skinny would stop and we could all focus on a push to happy, a push to loving ourselves. I so understand what you are saying having lost alot of weight when I was in university. But unlike you it took me years and years to understand that losing the weight hadn’t changed a thing. Congratulations on your bravery. Thank you for your vulnerability. You clearly are a beautiful spirit.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us.
I felt very similar after I lost 150 pounds (after weighing 300 pounds for a good chunk of my life). I had a lot of emotional issues and bad habits. I didn’t do the deeper work while restricting what I ate and working out all of the time.
So, I struggled big time staying at about 150 pounds. I struggled for the first 2-3 years keeping it off.
It wasn’t until I acknowledged that I didn’t need to be “fixed”. There was nothing “wrong” with me. When I learned more about my personality… my strengths… my weaknesses. Then I could accept and love the person I was.
I’ve maintained about 125 pound weight loss these last 6 years. It’s been much easier these last 2-3 years. And that’s when I finally found my passion to help other women.
Like you, I didn’t feel it was appropriate to write about or talk about “self love” or self-help stuff in the beginning if I didn’t even know what that looked like. But I do now. 🙂 ❤
You'll get there too. Just like the exercise and clean eating, the inner part requires action, too. You can only absorb so many "nice ideas" via the internet, books, movies, etc… because you must sit down and do the work for yourself and ask yourself the deeper questions that are uncomfortable.
You got this. I know you do.
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story and self-discovery.
I understand your struggle, and how is ongoing. I know it’s the same person, but you look awesome because you have worked so hard! Thanks for writing about it.
JW
Please know that you are not alone in all of this. I’m over 50, and I don’t have life all sorted out. I mean at times I truly feel that I’m in the “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up” phase, and yet I need to be thinking about retirement. Coping with our existence, understanding and finding meaning and happiness, is apparently a life long challenge. When I was a child, I was certain that I would one day hit this magical plane of adulthood, and everything would be clear. I would “know”. But then I got there. And I realized the uncertainty, fears, and questions all remain. I’m only putting this out there because I can still recall the deep relief I have experienced every time I learned that what I was feeling and experiencing was normal, and everyone feels that way. Losing weight and improving your health really is awesome, and is a gift you’ve given yourself. But that goal no doubt monopolized your focus pretty heavily. I mean, if it was easy, the rest of us wouldn’t all be overweight, now would we? So now you are looking around and thinking some version of “is this all there is?”. What helps me is to take personal inventory very frequently. I have a fantastic wife, 3 awesome dogs, and I make sure I show them that I love them multiple times every single day. Nothing held back. I think you have a big edge on many people, because you clearly understand that as long as we live, we’re not done. We must define the next thing for ourselves, and then go do it. Fully understanding ourselves, and our place, is a lifelong pursuit, and will never be done. But make sure you enjoy the journey, because that’s really what it’s about.
With love,
Mike
This reminds me very much of what I need to tell myself daily. I still struggle with it, but usually only when I weigh myself. After WLS, I got pregnant. It took 15 years before I was able to do that. I gained some weight back. I still haven’t lost it all. I have to remind myself daily that I still have managed to keep over 100lbs off!! That’s a big number. It’s taken years to come to the point where I don’t beat myself up daily. Loving myself had to become a daily reminder, replacing the negatives. IT took 40 years.. but I am there!
Fuck after, girl. LIVE!! Also, I’m sure everyone has their opinions and aha moments, but here is mine. Once you have lost weight, start celebrating what your body can do. Your current body. Can it run? Hike? Swim? Have sex? Breath? And then challenge it to do more. Not to lose more or be thinner or prettier or smarter but to DO more. Doing is living.
I hear you. I see you. You are worthy of love and respect and attention at any point in this journey you’ve so bravely chosen to share with so many unknown readers. I love your thought about not simply losing weight, but adding life. By noticing this, you have added hugely to your life…to mine. And I thank you.
i went from before and after only to go mostly back to before. i feared and it happened. i am working back to after but know in my head it’s during. it will always be during. most without the struggle do not get it. i am going to share this with many people. you haven’t written something i have needed to for a while. thank you.
Reblogged this on travelingeneticist and commented:
Phenomenal blog post about accepting yourself where you are and learning to take things one day at a time.
Before I was diagnosed with colon cancer, I had a very different relationship with my body. It’s best illustrated by how I felt when I lost 18 pounds due to my chemotherapy. I was elated. I felt so good about myself, because I was thinner, starving and sick, but still thinner.
I remember thinking that I could use this time to lose weight, as I had a very difficult time eating anything. The logic of this indicates that I preferred to be nauseated and unwell. Was losing weight preferable to fighting my cancer? For a week or two, it was. Yes, you read this correctly–being thinner was just as or more important than fighting my cancer. That was difficult to write. It’s hard to accept that something as superficial as a number on a scale was just as important as surviving cancer.
Luckily, I made an appointment with a nutritionist who specializes in cancer cases. She helped me see that it was important for me to stabilize my weight, to eat what I could and to modify my diet during treatment. For the first time in my life, a nutritionist told me not to lose weight; she gave me permission to eat the foods I needed to get through treatment. Following her advice, I quickly put on the the 18 pounds I lost.
When the weight came on so quickly, I knew that I had been starving myself due to my inability to eat. That led me to acknowledge that starvation was NOT a good way to fight cancer. I needed as much strength as possible to get through this.
The physical changes that occur when you no longer have a colon are real. Now that I’m done with my chemo, I need to see the nutritionist again to get advice on how to eat with this new body, this new body that I am thankful for every day. I am thankful to be here. I am thankful for every scar, every imperfection. I also realize there is no after. There is just accepting where you are, and taking one step forward.
I am also grateful for the entire MRKH community. On the day when I was my thinnest (and the sickest), I received 5 letters and packages from other MRKHers. Your love helped me realize that the most important thing was that I survived this. It brings tears to my eyes right now. You all truly saved my life.
I hear you! I feel the same way you do, I was actually a size 3 before having kids , getting married and giving up on me!! I now weight 240 and struggle every day to just be me because when I look in the mirror I don’t see tje true ME any more and honestly I hate what I have let myself become. Losing this weight would make me happy I KEEP THINKING but in reality I’m still who I have always been, just bigger! I know for my health I need to lose it but for myself I still need to find who I am again before I can be truely happy and want to do this the right way!!! You are a beautiful women before and after because you are still her on the inside , don’t let this change you at all always be you!
It is enough to like and respect yourself. To say the goal is to love yourself might be too much… At least it has been in my experience. Love is complicated and messy. Friendships are constant. Perspective is the After of everything.
Take care.
Preach on…you are heard. You are heard by those, like yourself, who know that the struggle to weigh less seamlessly becomes the struggle to not weigh more. The struggle for self love and acceptance seamlessly falls into the struggle for the love and acceptance of others.
Achieving a small level of success with, both, weight loss and acceptance, leads instantly to the further judgement of others. Are you loosing weight the right way…are you loosing weight the right pace…are you keeping weight off correctly…judgements that evolve into other areas of value judgement…are you fit…what are you doing about the extra loosely hanging skin…?!?!
All these judgements masquerading as concern are joined by internal questions that lay at the base of reasons for your efforts. Alongside current support and adulation lies the base question,”Why couldn’t I be appreciated when I weighed more?” For myself, the even worse consideration is the question of “Where will the support be if I fail…again?”
As veterans of the eternal weight loss trials we know that 90% of efforts fail, like Charley in “Flowers for Algernon” I fear that failure lies patiently, around the corner, ready to devour the adulation of weight loss admirers as well as the self worth attached to conforming to societal weight norms.
You are right…there is only now…there is only one value judgement that matters…your own.
Know yourself…be yourself…love yourself…and more importantly than others hearing you…hear yourself.
You have a great message and insight! I would recommend listening to you myself!!!
“Judgment masquerading as concern”, “where will the support be if I fail again?” Are incredible statements, Bob. I’m on my journey and am very fearful of what happens at the end. Now I know there is no end. My weight has defined me, so who am I when that’s gone? Thank you for your candor.
You write beautifully. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
Reblogged this on An Iron Life and commented:
The “after” myth… I’m inspired again! More posts coming soon.
wow what a wonderful post. It’s right on the money too. Thanks for writing this. Even in all those fairy tales and Disney movies when they end with they lived happily ever after we need to remember that’s not the ending but only the beginning. There’s no yesterday or tomorrow really only today only now.
The past was only a now that we lived and the future is another present moment in waiting.
Sorry I just read The Power of Now. 🙂
Everything in life is an on-going process, and even coming to that realization is part of an ever-growing journey. Clearly, you had an idea of who you wanted to be, what you wanted to do and how you wanted to do it – and you thought that having a lighter body would help you achieve those goals Now it’s time to go back and look at those goals and figure out, what next? Now – who do you want to be? Now – what do you want to do? Now – how do you want to get there? Life is only the adventure you make it. Live. Love. Dance. Sing. Scream, if you have to. Get out, and live your life the best way you see fit to! Most of all, have an amazing time!
I’ve been sober for over six years. Once the drink was removed, there was still me to deal with, work on, find. I learned that drinking was a symptom, that it was a form of solution for dealing with my internal workings… which worked against me. Alcoholism is a parasite of persistent abuse until you do some intense root work on yourself. The desire to drink, cravings, irrational thinking, self-hatred, body image hatred, fears I once couldn’t let go of, etc removed over time. Our “ism” goes into remission, if one is diligent and also remains persistent in maintaining the remission.
I can identity with the realization you are experiencing. Once I got sober, I was left with me. Your body, my drinking, hid us from ourselves. It was an armor, an alloy of protection even when it actually begged others to make fun of us, to judge us. I identify with that feeling of loneliness, that experience of separation from human contact, from the world. This feeling is a form of mourning. You had to let go of your best friend because she was killing you – your relationship with food. I did the same with alcohol. It was one of the abusive relationships I was in. The other two were with people who I couldn’t leave until I had to make a decision to save my life.
I relate to how hard it is to leave your abusive best friend.
I needed a program and PTSD counseling to get to be where I am today. I will continue to need it, but now I want it because I finally found who I am supposed to be, and that evolves, so it’s never a hardlined goal but a journey of self-discovery.
I honestly believe because you’re out, asking for help in an inquisitive, honest manner, more will be revealed. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you. It’s not about the weight loss, you’re right… it is about the life gain.
Our past and loneliness binds us. So does our search for self-love and answers to our inner-voice. What bonds us is a solution. Keep seeking… it’s an anonymous experience, but an open journey 😉
-A.N.
Reblogged this on motivate to reshape… and commented:
This is an important read!
got it because I too live it. I’m 7 years into discovering myself. I began at 50 and now 57, making peace with myself is the journey, not the scale! Thank you for your honesty.
Hurray for you! I wish I could have known this way, way earlier in life. I am 67, still overweight and still not happy with it or with me. Losing weight has always been “what I am.” Your words resonated strongly in me and I thank you.
Thank you for your very honest and real post. You’re right, there is no “after”, we are always becoming. Loving ourselves is difficult to learn in our culture. It means learning to live more deeply, aligning our minds, body and spirit.
I used to think I would have life figured out at 40 (!) and now at 56 I realize it’s a great blessing that there’s always more to learn about ourselves, and existence, and for me that’s become a reality of my faith. Blessings to you and may you know the journey is all, the path is made by walking it.
Reblogged. Now I understand. Thank you!
After reading this and the comments, it occurred to me of how we celebrate weight loss success with those “before” and “after” pictures. It makes it seem so permanent when you think about it. Maybe if we change the language…how about “then” and “now”? We can own it and say “this was how I looked then, but this is how I look now” but I am me. The person on the inside is the same.
Reading your blog has been very helpful and shows no matter our size, we all struggle at times. I’m 50 and still haven’t succeeded in losing the 100 plus pounds I need to. I’ll keep trying though.
I came across this randomly on Facebook, as a man who struggles with my weight, I can’t tell you how much this spoke to me, and how powerful this post is. Thank you for sharing your heart, for sharing your soul.
Fantastic post. “There is no after … There is only today. During.”
You have nailed what so many of us struggle with but never identify.
Good for you and may your journey be full of light, love, and adventure.
hello friends, I recognize myself in these many truthful messages. “Can Anybody Hear Me?” ~ I’m sorry I don’t see your name here ~ Thank You for opening up the treasure chest that is your soul, so we can all feel the true reflection of our souls. Just over a year ago, I met-up, on-line, with some teachings that have got me on a new path of discovery, uncovering the lies of my facade, to feel what is true inside, all the way through. In my desire for transformative healing, I am opening my soul to communicate with our creator, our first & only true parent, aka God, who has unconditional love for us, the love we long for & need, for this kind of healing. Some of you may feel drawn to this path as well, tho’ it will startle you to learn that Jesus & Mary Magdalene, who have returned, are its teachers! Showing & telling us about real soul growth through their website: divinetruth.com
They understand what it takes to fully & honestly realize the damage & error in our souls, from a lifetime of covering-up, thwarting, substituting, et al, which we all learned to do from parents who also learned (were conditioned, often forced) to make up a self that is not the real self, not the real you, not the soulful one our creator made it possible for each one of us to be… whenever we choose to open the treasure chest, to see and humbly feel all that is there; And from there, to ask for God’s help in making the changes that will lead us to real love, for ourselves, everyone, & everything.
Thanks again for showing us your heartful self, bringing me to tears of recognition!
Thank you for sharing this. I made the same mistake but didn’t understand it until your post.
Thank you for what you’ve said! I so get that!. I am in the after and it doesn’t feel like what I thought after would. My after is somewhat different, yet not. I am 5 years after a separation and the loss of everything I’ve worked for. I am 30 lbs lighter after. I am 6 months after getting off an anti depressant. Yet I’m struggling each and everyday with the after. Sooo trying to take one day at a time. Sooo trying to be in the NOW. Have to be or I would rather die. I have never responded to anyone’s blog and so now, I am after that.
I am 54 years old and by some standards have done some amazing things with my life. I biked alone across the country at 23, to name probably the most amazing. Yet, I don’t feel like I’m that person. I’m suppose to have gained strenght from all I have been through, yet feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt.
I don’t know why I’m reaching out to you, except to say…You are not alone and I suppose I find some comfort in knowing that I am not either. I wish you all the best in you quest and journey through life. You are A Beautiful person!
All the best
Peace and love
Karlene
I saw this on my Facebook. it is a Fact. you are almost the same girl you ever were inside but you have achieved something which most people fail at. However at the same time because of this undertaking you have changed, you set yourself a very difficult task and you achieved it! You are stronger and better for it and it will help you in all of life’s ups and downs. The fact that you realize that you have a ways to go emotionally is ok. You are embracing it and now it is time to move on because indeed you are a survivor! Congratulations to you and love your changed inner and outer self!
This is just a superb blog–really ought to be in national magazines, especially the ones targeted at women. Thanks for posting this, and enjoy all the “during” you can get!
Wow thank you so much for that! That was great. I have some of my own struggles and I never really could figure it out but you seemed to nail it on the head! I needed to read this and I am so glad that I did.
Lovely post. I love the strength, the courage, the smile of the woman* on the left. I hope the woman* in the center is more energetic and has the increase in options I imagine for her. I hope the woman* on the right is learning, improving, getting better lots and lots.
* for “woman in the left/center/right, you might just read “you”, even if the tenses wobble.
Really beautiful. It reminds me of something I saw in O magazine this month.
Oprah: “Have you become the man you wanted to be?
Bill Clinton: “No. That’s a lifetime journey. Every day mirrors the act of creation. Each morning you have to get up and create all over again. The building is never done. If I’m lucky enough to live to be 80, and you come back and ask me that question again, I’d still say no.”
This is so profoundly true and resonant. Thank you for writing it.
This speaks to so many of us, even if the AFTER we seek is not about our bodies. Recovery of the soul is a lifelong process. Beautiful…raw…thank you. I want to send you my book if you’d like it. look at http://www.insightswithdarcy.com and send me your address if you want it. Blessings, love and a forever goddess.
This is one of the most beautifully honest things I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for sharing this. “Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be?” Wow… this is so mind-shatteringly huge. I so needed this. Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you for reading and for your encouragement
Hello, I hear you loud and clear and see your Beauty in all your stages of being! Hugs and thanks for sharing a piece of your heartfelt self with a world full of others struggling similarly. You have the courage to say out loud what some are still trying to figure out. I too have been on a similar journey and it is a journey after all not a destination. I have shared your post on a page I started to help inspire others to feel healthy and well and comfortable within themselves, as I think what you shared and who you are is beautiful at every level. Facebook.com/SteppingIntoHealth and Facebook.com/StayingYoungAtHeart
Hugs Maria
These sites are more than about weight loss they are dealing with what you talk about…all the emotional issues and the whys etc. I hope you see this post and she can help you with the why if you are still on that path. Yes, they are all you. Yes, there is no after really. Love your blog.
http://wildlyaliveweightloss.com/ and http://wildlyaliveweightloss.com/emotionaleating/
I just spent a week at a monastery in California on an organizational leadership course. Throughout the week, but mostly at the end of the course, I was told some truly amazing things about myself – things I had heard bits and bobs of before, but nothing I really believed to be true about myself. Past relationships and unhealthy family relationships caused me to believe that those things could not be true about me, so I wasn’t loving myself enough, or valuing myself enough. At the end of last week, I had to spend some time accepting those compliments and truths about myself from people that I admired and respected.
After leaving the monastery, I spent 3 days visiting friends from high school (from Washington) in SoCal. I’m 100lbs overweight and all I could think of was “they’re going to think I ballooned up.” But I was wrong! They kept saying the nicest things to and about me. They just confirmed all the wonderful things said to me at the monastery. SO I had to stop and think long and hard about my body. It doesn’t define me. And I don’t love this fat, but I do love me underneath – and what’s so amazing to me is – so does everyone that I love. No one stops hugging me because I’m bigger than I used to be. No one stopped valuing my company, insight, or love because of my size. I did. I let one jackass in my past (an abusive relationship I spent far too long in) alter my way of thinking about myself. Years of therapy didn’t do for me what one week in a monastery did. This is me – and I love it. I’m ready now to get the weight off. To find out what food allergies I have and get this off of me, to get my chronic asthma in check and meds under control. It’s not going to be easy or fast, but I’m worth being comfortable in my clothes – when I want to take off running, by God I’m going to do it.
Thank you so much for writing this. Thank you for digging deep and sharing all of this with us. I needed this – and many won’t comment, but they need it, too. You are brave and strong and courageous and amazing – and I appreciate you.
I hear you. And thank you.
Very eloquently raw, thank you. It’s horrifying that obesity is the one tolerated prejudice. It’s actually applauded, like you’re doing that person a motivational favor. As a person who has struggled all my life with weight, acceptance, and self-esteem. I congratulate your raw honesty and real perspective. It’s not what you’re eating, but what’s eating you up inside that you have to figure out. The compulsory is no different than a drug addiction, alcoholic, ect. Highest and best to you dear on your journey!
Thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable personal part of your life journey!! You are a strong courageous young woman and having gone through this dance with numbers myself I get it…..and i hear you!!! You are awesome and amazing and I believe you are well on your way to discovering the true beauty of your true self. That is the real ‘after’. You were created for a great purpose and you are an inspiration….not for the ‘before and after’ photos of a physical you but for the beautiful realizations that your true inner self is so much more than the numbers on a scale and happiness does not come with attaining a number!! Hugs!!
I’m listening. I just began “Before”. Thank you. I get it. I will work on my insides as hard as I work on my outsides thanks to your beautiful confession/correction. You are amazing, before, after and during.
A friend of mine created this http://www.thisbodyofwork.com/ and it is what I thought of while reading this post. Worth a look!
You absolutely nailed it!!!
Reblogged this on People Pleasing and commented:
Beautifully written
I lost 50 lbs in my early 30s. I know that the potential for me to regain weight is a “chronic” life long struggle.
It has to be a lifestyle.
I am seeing the benefits of my lifestyle in my mid 40s. My peers are struggling with diabetes, heart problems. I am running 5ks and climbing mountains.
Keep doing what you are doing!
You were and are beautiful….clearly. Thank you for sharing. You made me cry…in a good way. Xx
Yes I hear you! ❤ I hear you loud and strong. Do I have some inches to loose? Yes, if that is what eating healthy and exercising will bring. But finding me. That is so much deeper. That is the journey I have been on for about 3 years. Finding me. Finding my voice. Finding my time to enjoy what makes ME happy. I spent many years struggling with my outer appearance. I was convinced by society, and ads, and the media that my appearance, being the perfect shape and size is what made me worthy. Worthy of what? Who knows.
In my late teens I suffered with anorexia and bulimia. The only value I saw in myself was if I was attractive. I got through and over that – mostly. But my journey of the last few years has really been about me. What makes me tick. And I think it's okay for that to forever be a work in progress. Learning something new everyday. Learning a new skill. Trying a new hobby. Spending quiet moments in meditation. These things lead to WHO I am; not the size of my pants. Being active and eating healthy (as we can) will take care of the body. But we must feed out mind, our heart, our soul.
I am happy for you finding the physical health. I wish you much love and light in your quest for the rest. You are not alone.
Lori G
I have been big my entire life. I want to lose weight, by t I am terrified. Of not succeeding and of succeeding. I am scared of failure, and of success. I love myself, it took me a long time to get here. But I am not healthy. I know that as I will lose weight I will literally start to lose a big part of me. A part that has been here my whole life. It is part of who I am, and losing a large physical part of Medicare’s me a bit. I’m scared it won’t be enough either. I spent my childhood being an outsider and rising above the persecution of being fat made me the person I am today. I am actually scared of being skinny. I’m scared of the attention during and after the weight loss. I’m scared of getting fat again, the ultimate failure. I’m glad I’m not he only one with fears.
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We hear you. You are beautiful (both “before” and “after”) and strong and worthy of praise and appreciation. ❤
And during, and now! And then too. I heard. Good luck with finding unconditional self love!
I understand and hear you very clearly. I have lost 70 lbs and I have 35 more to go to reach my “after”. But I love feeling strong and I believe I have changed to wanting to be skinnier to wanting to be stronger. I felt like a victim when I was bigger. Now I feel that I can be a hero. Encourage someone else, help someone when they are weak. I love what you wrote. I love the feeling you put into it. Life’s a journey..you have to love and respect all the stages. That’s how I feel God is refining me. Keep it up girl!
I hear you, too. I’ve never seen your blog before. Like you, I live every second of every day with major self-concept issues. I’m still at the “before” part of weight loss. Like you, I used to assume that losing weight would mean gaining self. I assumed it would be setting free the skinny girl who undoubtedly must live inside me—the skinny girl I used to be decades ago.
Even though I’ve struggled with weight and food for a long, long time and basically made no weight-loss progress, I have come to understand—to some extent—that the weight isn’t what’s wrong. The “what’s wrong” is how I see myself and what I think of myself.
That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I think what you’re doing—and I understand that it’s a continuing fight as well as an awesome journey—is tremendous. Bon voyage.
I hear you. Well written. Best of luck DIScovering your amazing future.
You have just put words to how I have felt for a long time now. I started at 425 lbs. Got down to 102, not a healthy weight for me. Now up to 161, much healthier. Thank you for your post!
I hear you! Thank youuuuuu. You’ve put into words something I’ve struggled with for a couple of years now. I got to my “after” and had never felt so lost. I’m still trying to REcover and DIScover myself but the less I obsess over the number that drove me for so long, the happier I am with myself and life. You are truly beautiful and I wish you nothing but the best.
Firstly so well done on your weight loss! I’m just wondering how you lost it? I lost over 50kg (117 pounds) – over 50% of my original body weight – and I’ve kept it off for over 12 years. The thing is, I don’t really struggle to keep the weight off (sure I might gain a couple of kilos when I go on holidays or I’m going through a major life stress event – but only a couple – and I always know that I can lose them again fairly easily). I feel that I must confess now that I run a weight loss business (but I’m not Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers or anything- so it’s not about the money for me – it really is about the satisfaction that I get from helping others). However, what I see time and time again is people who: a. lose weight through surgery and so don’t go through the psychological journey that occurs when you actually do the hard yards and so don’t grow as a person and so just don’t know how to handle their new weight and b. people who lose weight following some specific diet or exercise plan which is almost ‘all or nothing’ – exercising 6 days a week and eating 1200 calories (or equivalent) and so they only know how to go really hard on their weight loss (which you can’t keep doing forever) or stop (in which case they regain all the weight).
Sorry I don’t have any answers for you. I can say that adjusting to your new weight does take some time… but it shouldn’t be that hard….
Life’s not a rehearsal, you don’t get a second chance. Walk down the street look at others do you judge ,?;,???,? What makes you think you stand out enough to be judged ???, get on with life. Make a difference make a life change
I wish I had understood that too.
I’ve lost weight and I struggle every day.
Ive gained some of it back and I feel like crap and so now I feel like I work out just so I can eat. Because I use food as a cruch when I’m stressed or sad or just plain pissed off. It was so easy in the beginning when I was trying to get to the after. I still see the Before me, so what do I do. Keep on Struggling.
I am in this spot too. I have lost my motivation and gained back 1/4 of what I lost. I too found it so easy in the beginning. Not fun now and I’m starting to hate myself.. I KNOW I shouldn’t – there’s so much more to me than that number…
And knowing that I’m the same person inside before and after doesn’t really help. People interact differently with the before and after person, and that’s so shallow and it sucks.
Keep on Struggling.. Maybe it’ll be worth it to the person inside!
I completely hear you and understand… I’ve lost 90 – 95 lbs 3 times in my life so far, and each time I gained it back because I did not resolve the deeper issues. I’m on my 4th try now. I’m so glad I find your blog. Thank you for your courage to show yourself.
thank you!!! I so completely understand your feelings, words, angst! I am still in the process of losing (I’m going to be 60 this summer and absolutely hate the thought of hitting that age with this weight still on me). but I think about who I am inside, and I wonder if I’ll magically find some level of worth just because I’m thinner? I love your honesty! and yes, you…no matter what you look like on the outside…have worth, value, you matter! you are beautiful…period.
By the way, I think that there is something to be said about carrying this weight to not be seen, which works because when you’re overweight you’re overlooked/ignored, and yet when the weight is gone you become visible. It’s all connected.
Wow. You have put into words exactly how I feel in my own journey, but never knew how to express it. I’ve stopped short of that ‘after’ number on the scale (130 pounds down) because I didn’t know how to be ‘after’. Afraid that once I arrived at that ‘after’ destination there would be no where to go but back to where I started. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I hear you…and am listening…will continue to listen as you post on your authenticate journey…the journey of you, to you, for you…thanks for your honesty and making yourself so vulnerable, exposed…it was a great reminder
Beautifully said from beginning to end. I wish more people understood that the number is just that and not a real measurement of what you are accomplishing, the change from within. That requires a Herculean effort and strength of soul both of which you have in spades. Congratulations for recognizing the problem and having the resolve to do something about it.
I am struggling with weight loss, but more than that, with loving myself. I am getting married in 3 months, and due to quitting smoking have just gained 60 of the 90 lbs I lost (completely unhealthy in the way I lost it, being via drugs, bulimia and anorexia). I look in the mirror with disgust and heartache because I don’t feel as pretty as when I weighed less….and reading this reminds me when I weighed less, I just wanted to lose more so that I could feel like I was worth more. Thank you for sharing your journey and that the AFTER is not an end after all, it is not a goal but just another beginning, just another layer to the onion in life. So yes, I can definitely hear you, loud and clear ❤
I relate to this so hard. I had a major mental breakdown when I got to my target weight and discovered that all my other problems didn’t magically disappear along with the weight. I don’t diet any more but try to focus on being happy and healthy instead. Hope you can find yourself and find happiness x
I have bounced between ‘before’ and ‘after’ and you have just truly nailed the issue for me. This explains it all. Thank you.
❤️
You are courageous, brave & strong. Thank you for sharing your truth and the journey!
Great article. There needs to be more focus on the inside… The outside can be mechanically achieved, but the inside, the whole reason we eat away our emotions, is soooooo much harder to deal with. Wishing you peace in your “during”.
You are a woman strong and proud. You always were.
I hear you. Thank you. This is a fear I have always had – who will I be when losing weight is no longer a focus? I was me then, I will be me during, and I am still me after. I hear you. ❤
Thank you for talking about it! I had about 110 lbs to lose and was at the 80lb loss mark when one day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I felt the same inside, but the outside just looked so different! It shocked me, and it scared me. I was treated differently by men and wasn’t ready for that either..not mentally or emotionally. And when my uncle said “I’m so happy you lost the weight…we were all worried about you?” I realized how often people must have spoken behind my back about me…even my loved ones. It hurt…and scared me too. I was STILL that girl inside! But people treated me like I was completely separate from that old me. Would I lose that other me that I really liked? I was still the same inside and I felt lost. Unfortunately it was shortly afterwards that little by little the weight came back on. It’s not an excuse for not being strong, but it’s about the inside taking longer to catch up. And it can really mess you up. Thanks for talking about it. It’s important.
Loud & Clear. I am inspired by your honesty. This is my daily struggle. I battle self-worth and the desire to reveal/conceal. It is such a fight. Thank you for your truth.
Most days (hours) are a choice between moving forward with risk & potential pain vs. staying out or layering on with food & depression. I get it.
Wow. That is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I too lost a reasonable amount of weight, was at 115, and now I’m at 130 pounds, same height as you. I was addicted to loosing weight, now I’m constantly on edge about gaining back. I never have enjoyed the thought of “After”, even at my slimmest. I’m going to school for counselling, and I’m learning a lot during the process, but I still struggle with food. It’s about a lifestyle change. Weight does NOT equal happiness, no matter your size. The mental aspect should be the first thing addressed, and I hope you find peace of mind, whether you find it in therapy or yourself 🙂
Great blog and a beautiful point. We should not define ourselves by a number but I didn’t discover that until after my first journey ended. For me, I did set a goal weight when I started and it did its job of motivating me along my journey of losing over 95 pounds. I did learn when I reached that goal weight that it probably wasn’t the best measurement of my success but it did work for me. I was fortunate that my weight loss journey was several years long and I had time to process the changes as they happened (at the time it was torture). There was a healing time that took place when I reached that goal weight. Time where my eyes and mind caught up with the person I was seeing in the mirror. I call my Before Lana 1.0. When I reached my goal weight, I became Lana 2.0 and I’m working on Lana 3.0 currently. Each event that happens on your journey molds you into a new version of yourself. Lana 1.0 is still in there but just like the iPhone 6 there are some serious improvements. When we stop improving our minds and bodies, then we stop moving and become stagnant. To me, if you aren’t moving forward, then you are moving backwards. Personal development and nutrition experimenting have been the biggest drivers in Lana 3.0. I’m not there yet but she is going to be freakin’ awesome and then I will move to Lana 4.0. I can’t wait to see how many versions I get through during my lifetime. I’m just having fun learning about ME along the way.
I hear you, and am inspired by what you have shared. Thank you for the honesty and courage you have shown.
YES! I SO hear you. I was there. Before, after and back to before. Ashamed, disgusted, and yet still not ready to do what it takes to release this fat on my body.
Thank you for keeping it real. I’ll be following your blog. One day at a time.
You’re amazing for understanding this. It’s something I definitely did not understand. I joined Weight Watchers, dropped 120+ pounds, uncovered myself and found out how much life I had been missing… and then the weight came back. Slowly crept back and back. And now I find myself struggling, having gained back half of what I lost. And it’s partly because I started thinking I was in my After stage; but you’re so, so right. There is no After.
I need to refocus on me. Remember how much life I was living when I was treating myself better. Not because I was THINNER, but because I was listening to my body and giving it what it needed and using it in ways that I’d never used it before.
You write very well, and have expressed your thoughts and feelings adequately. I do applaud your weight loss, because you cared enough about what is happening in your life to take the steps to make a change. You are correct that the inner changes are harder to make. I have many friends that have lost large amounts of weight only to find that they do not know the person that is staring at them in the mirror and not sure they like this new person. Maybe this is why I never jumped in and took the needed steps. Let me tell you though, looking back at my age now, I wish I had tried a bit harder. Saddled with health issues and having practically given up my life due to bad knees, the weight has taken its toll in other ways. Now that I’m older I’ve been able to accept myself as I am and realize that my size does not dictate what kind of a person I am; but my life will never be what it could have been if I would have lost the weight. I urge you to continue your journey to find yourself and love yourself as you are. Fight hard to hold on to your new healthier self. If you don’t you will regret it when you get into your 50’s. You can be whatever you want to be, but you have to set the goals and determine the importance it plays to you.
Don’t give up! You are encouraging others through your struggles. I hope that you will come to know yourself and love yourself as you are.
I’m starting my weight-loss journey. It’s only been recently that I’ve realized how addicted to junk food I am. The detox has been miserable, but I assume it will be worth it. I have also come to realize how many ridiculous misconceptions I have about losing weight and becoming fit. I assumed that once I’m the “after,” I’ll magically enjoy exercising regularly. I assumed that I’ll get to wear cute clothes because I would finally be worthy enough to wear them. I thought that I would wear make up regularly, have fresh fruit and veggies always on hand, turn my nose up at sweets, and do fun hiking activities with my kiddos. I treated myself as if I didn’t deserve to have those things if I wasn’t “fit enough.” I’m really glad you posted this. If I can’t love myself now, then expecting that it would just happen later (like I thought it would) would be setting myself up for failure. I really needed this message right now. This is what I’m going to work on while I work on me.
I was so moved when I read your post reposted on a yoga blog, you summed up how so many of us feel, thank you.
Holy F$&k, YES. YES. This made me cry. Truth. Beautifully, courageously spoken. Wow. What you have written here, I will need to sit with this for a long time. I am feeling this in my very bones.
Wow. Just wow. This hits me deep and hard. So well said.
Your sentiment is amazing. I know I do keep struggling because once you lose it you forget to keep learning about yourself and why you did something in the first place. You are in Your during and that’s special
Reblogged this on irish says… and commented:
I love this.
I could not have read this at a better time. I’m 48 and struggled with my weight my entire life. I’m currently back up, and decided to have weight loss surgery to finally deal with the weight but I’ve been very concerned about everything you talked about. My surgery is scheduled for June 8th and I’m preparing for the physical changes but I need to start preparing for the emotional now too. I’ve been in therapy for a very long time. And I’ve lost and gained hundreds of pounds during the process. I must learn to love, forgive, understand, and enjoy being myself. I’ll be following you!!
Wow, just wow. Thank you so much for writing this. I hope that you truly accept the love and support of all of the people who read this and all of the people in your real life that love and THANK YOU!!!
I hear you! What you are saying is profound and what I have heard others struggle to say. Thank you for putting your struggle into words and those words here for others to learn from.
Thanks you so much for sharing this. I struggle daily with my “After”. My after is around 70 0lbs lighter-and I feel every hour of every day that I need to be smaller. How do I treat this person I have become and be comfortable and acceptant of who I look like now…Not who I am because that has never changed. I realized my relationship with food needed to be adjusted but how do I repair my relationship with myself and be happy with where I am now? My weight only defines me because I let it and i struggle to not let it. I feel like if I am thinner, I could work out better, look better in clothes or “do this or that better”. But how long am I going to look in the mirror and tell myself I need to BE smaller just to BE? I try daily to look at myself and try not to be disgusted with my belly overhang from having 3 girls or my large hips. I want my mindset to change and to love me for me. Not what I THINK I should look like.
Thanks you for letting me know I am not alone that there is someone else that struggles with the “After ” and that this is just a beginnging. No ending…..Just today
Reblogged this on the business tamer.
WOW. Yes. A MILLION TIMES YES.
Thank you…
Thank you. Thank you so much for posting this. You’ve opened my eyes. OMG! So much. I really don’t know what else to say but thank you. 💗
Oh you are wise beyond your own realization! Thank you so much for your words! I have loved/hated/repulsed my own sweet self for years! Guilt is such a large weight on a persons back but it’s hard to lay the weight down when it has shaped how you take every step, turn every corner for so much of life?! You can’t do it easily. You have to set it down gently and slowly. And let someone else help you lift the load off sometimes!
You are right! You are strong! Be proud of you then! Be proud of you now! And be proud of your future!
The thing is, the symptoms have resolved faster than I’ve been able to treat the deeper disease. I’ve lost the weight, but I’ve failed to uncover and learn to truly love myself in the process. I lost 130 pounds. Some health issues and menopause, plus quitting smoking brought 50 pounds, now down to 40 pounds up from that weight release. At times I wonder if I will be that size 4 I was three years ago,but I don’t care. It’s not about the ‘number’, it’s about being whole and healthy, active and loving me♥
Touching and well said. Best of luck on your lifetime journey.
You are so wise about this. I wish I had figured that out before losing and gaining the same weight over and over again. I think you will be successful. You get it. I hope I can lose it one more time and keep it off this time! God bless you for sharing your journey.
I totally hear you and understand where you are coming from because I’m there also. From a weight of 360 ten years ago, I’m now about 135. Those are only numbers on a scale and say nothing about who I am (or who any of us are!). The one big thing I learned (I’m 63 years old) in 60 years of thinking about weight (my parents were obsessed about my weight so it defined me from a very early age) is that it’s not about food or the numbers or imagining what others are thinking about us–it’s about loving ourselves enough to protect our inner most beings from our being cruel to ourselves and not accepting cruelty from others because we feel we somehow deserve it. I learned to say no thank you, NO THANK YOU, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SAY THAT TO ME? And I FIND YOUR REMARKS OFFENSIVE. And finally, YOU CAN GO FUCK OFF AND STAY OUT OF MY LIFE.
Stay true to yourself, recognize the amazing, creative, beautiful being you are and put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I have to tell the committee that occasionally meets in my head about 2 a.m. to tell me what’s wrong with me to “fuck off,” but the committee is holding far fewer meetings than it used to. You are the most important person in your life and you need to treat yourself as the precious woman you are.
Therapy is very helpful, especially with someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. Hold on to your inner light and you’ll grow with this transformation.
Blessings.
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this. I’ve been in my “after” stage for just over a year. Ironically my after has been full of much more disappointment with myself than my “before” time. I’m still trying to figure out my after and trying to figure out how to embrace and love myself regardless of a number. My after has been much more disappointing than I would have hoped.
Love yourself for who you truly are at all stages and sizes in life! Congratulations and good luck DIScovering yourself and your strengths!
I hear you and I agree there is no after. And I think that what you did shows great inner strength. I look back on the metaphorical mountains I’ve climbed and draw strength from those achievements. You should be proud of what you have done.
Beautiful story……beautiful person……before and after. Thank you for sharing with us.
This moved me. In week 3 of teaching myself to eat healthy and exercise which I hate with all my strength. Running is not fun to me and I’m a stroller not a speed walker in life. So this has motivated me a bit more than I was. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for putting into words something I have felt for a long time. I think that when you have been overweight since childhood, you start to believe that all your dissatisfaction about life is related to your weight. If you could just lose the weight, you wouldn’t have any other problems. So when you do lose the weight and you still have problems, it makes your worldview explode.
One of my biggest disappointments came when an overweight friend whom I had felt in solidarity with before became really nasty about my efforts to lose weight — like I was betraying the fat community. That just made me realize that no matter in which direction I went, people were still going to judge me. I hadn’t expected that and it was really difficult. Another reaction I had was that sometimes overweight people would become really hostile towards me if I tried to say that I understood how they were feeling. In my mind, it was literally yesterday that I was living that experience too but now others didn’t see me as being in that category, so they denied what was a pretty major aspect of my life.
What I’ve finally learned is that losing weight is also about letting go of perceptions — perceptions that you have about yourself, and perceptions that others have about you. You know you who are, you know your story, and from here on in you get to choose what you take with you and what you leave behind.
Wow. That is really powerful. So was “The After myth”. I have been heavy…always. I have said to myself the same things you said, “if I could just lose some weight, I’d be so much happier”. Reading what you just said was that oh my god moment. Not the aha moment that Oprah has talked about. I’m hoping for that aha moment to make the right lifestyle changes to take the weight off and once and for all keep it off- which seems to be my hardship. Anyway, thank you for what you just wrote and for the woman who wrote “The after myth”. I guess I have not ever even thought about having the same problems while weighing less. You have opened my eyes. Thank you very much!
Hearing you loud and clear 🙂 Grateful for the openness of all the comments here! After a lifetime of struggling with weight, I, too, have only been scratching the surface of discovering what life is like without “needs to lose weight” as a part of my identity. That really resonates with me!!! Thank you for this honest blog post and let’s encourage each other to be proud of the work we’ve done (in losing weight), but also support one another in the work yet to do: growing healthfully everyday into the people we are meant to be realizing weight loss is only 1 step along that journey, a lifetime of healthful living is the everyday process.
Thank you so much for this.
I found I was just a depressed and miserable at a size 0 as I was at a size 12. (Size 12 is big when you’re under 5 feet)
I had to look inward and that was much harder than shedding the weight.
Good luck on your journey and enjoy it, it’s all ebb and flow. Constant discovery and growth. I wish you well.
TRUTH! I hope you keep blogging because this journey – learning to love yourself – is the most important one.
Have you read Eckhart Tolle? There is no after – there is only now.
i came across this article by chance and I honestly believe that it was put in my path for a very important reason. I am in recovery for a life long history of bulimia, and my internal recovery is very recent. Working with therapists, psychiatrists, and peers is now teaching me exactly what this article is about. Fixing the symptom is not the answer without addressing and treating the cause. I am learning to love myself for the first time in my life, and peeling away the pounds is only revealing more and more of the reasons and suppressed emotions that lead me to hate myself in the first place. Thank you for posting this. You are inspiringly strong!
You have a hole inside that food couldn’t fill, achievement couldn’t fill, nothing can fill but a relationship with a higher power. That is the direction I finally had to take when all else failed. Fortunately, I was introduced to a support group that used the 12 steps to develop a relationship with God that I never knew. AA was the first program to develop this process, but it has been working for so many other areas where spiritual help is needed. Once I found people who felt like me, and recovered, I knew that I could be whole too. Just my experience. Hope you find your true fulfillment. Loving prayers and hope for you.
I am not at my after picture yet. I am still in the journey. I must share though, because having struggled with severe depression and self loathing for many years. I must agree with this previous post about creating a relationship with a higher power to find REcovery and DIScovery.
I have found myself in the last year and I love myself wholly, even with my flaws, and I have many beyond the worldly view of excess weight. I feel beautiful, cherished and accomplished in the eyes of God and He reflects it back to me. I feel whole.
I have learned a great deal more of Jesus Christ in the Bible and also in The Book of Mormon which is another testament of Jesus Christ.
Bless you as you Recover yourself friend.
This link and episode number is a very short song you may like.
http://Www.mormon.org
Episode 68 entitled Child of God
Much love!!!!
Awesome, inspiring post. I’m a blogger on a weight loss journey as well. I so resonate with what you have said here.
You have put into words what I have felt for the past 2 years And way better than I ever could have. I was overweight all of my life. And as an adult I thought all of my problems in life would be fixed if I could just be thinner. If I could lose the weight I’d finally feel like I fit in in this world. But I’ve lost over 140 pounds and I have gone way beyond I ever expected. yes I am healthier all around but mentally I am way worse off. The damage I’ve done to myself and my self esteem after all of those years is much worse than I realized. When I look in the mirror I still see all the flaws and can only point out a few good things. I realize it will take a long time to repair the many years of damage but like someone else…my AFTER is not exactly the way I dreamed it to be.
Thank you for putting this out there and making me know I’m not alone.
Beautifully written. Good luck in your journey and wherever life takes you!
I hear you. I see you. I have lost over 100 pounds and it is still a daily battle. Some days are easier than others, but I realized that the weight was really only a symptom. There are so many different medical supports out there for people with overweight/obesity, but very few (at least where I live) resources that truly approach the mental issues behind the weight. I continually work on those issues, but still look in the mirror occasionally and wonder who the hell that person is.
I cried. Thank you for voicing what I have been screaming on the inside for so long.
Awesome awesome awesome! I’m so happy that you have reflected deeply and moving forward one day at a time, rather than letting it all go. All the best to you!
I absolutely get it–I’ve been fighting my weight for over 40 years but am just beginning to understand that there is no “after”. I keep hoping and praying for the battle to end but it is about just doing well for today. Not waiting for tomorrow and not giving up–just do it today.
Yes I hear you loud and clear. I lost 130 lbs myself and came to the same recollection. I felt despised by people when I was heavier. Approaching girls was even more difficult, one of them once told me to go roll in some mud. What disgraceful disregard for human life and value! The moment I lost all the weight girls started calling me handsome and gave me the time of day, but why was that not the case before? Some people say its because you feel better and have more confidence, but why do people not approach or give the time of day to someone who seems to not feel good about themselves, aren’t they the ones who need attention and love the most? Besides I was a pretty jolly guy even when I was heavier. I am glad I lost the weight for my health, but I am still the same person. A wise man once said “the Spirit gives life, the flesh counts of nothing”. I realized my soul was the most valuable thing I possessed and it was the most important thing to test to see my true beauty. That man who said that quote I mentioned was Jesus. He see’s everyone the way you and I see ourself, a human being who is valuable and precious not because of a number, but because you are just being you. Your value is not measured by who you associate with, what you do for a living, what clothes you wear or how much closer you are to that goal number on a scale, no, your value is measured in the blood of Christ. He loves you that much that He was willing to die for you. Think of it now, the Mighty God who rules over all of creation, He is concerned about you, He loves you, to the point that He would die for you. That is value! That is something you can put to the test and win every time!
I Hear you, and I am finding the same on my journey. Congrats on reaching your goal weight and good luck on your next set of goals wherever they may lead you. I never thought I would love running, or other activities I have learned as ways to help me on my journey. I no longer see the person I was, and the person I am still needs work, but it’s worth it. I am worth it and so are you. 🙂
Yes! Yes! Yes! I hear you loud and clear. No matter my size, skinny or large my worth is still the same. My Self is still the same. Why do others have to see my worth only through the Lens of viewing a thin person? So wrapped up in image, I became, one pound at a time. And yet God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn’t specify, only when I’m thin. So am I worthless? No, I am priceless, at any weight, at any age, I AM who I was created to be. The daughter of the most high……
What an incredibly powerful post. You are brave to write it and admit that you are still seeking the self you have always been regardless of the weight and your love for yourself. Your words are powerful and will help others – you should be very proud.
Wow, it didn’t take long for me to have tears in my eyes as I read. I’m at the beginning of what I know is going to be a very long weight loss journey and I love what you said, yet it makes me sad. Your words are so true and so real. I don’t know that our self images change much throughout life regardless of how our body changes. I’m very proud of you for making it to the “after” number and I pray that you continue to maintain a healthy weight while using your blog to share your wisdom. I have never read your blog before, but I certainly will now!
I appreciate your honesty and authenticity. Your struggle is so rooted in our misogynist culture. Wishing you all the best!
Oh GOOD for you! That’s not in “sarcastic font”. I mean it — but not so much for losing the weight as for having the epiphany of “during vs. after” while you are at the point you are. I lost 107 pounds…. kept it more or less off for over five years…. and slowly gained it back living the “after” life – I forgot the “during”. I missed it. So… I am so glad for you. Enjoy every day of during – learn yourself, love yourself, rejoice in your mobility and health and your now. You give me hope that I can do it too…..
Thank you for sharing what is so often unspoken. Our value as women in society is too often placed on how we look so we easily buy into it, all the time knowing it’s not the truth. So not only do we struggle with our own inner worth but with how we feel others value us. The more we speak about our own truth the easier we make it for others to do the same. So again thank you for helping me find my voice and reminding me my life is now not when I am at some magic number.
I hear you. Though I’ve never had a struggle with weight there have been times when I have not liked the person in the mirror. How the universe made me. I was painfully skinny, a rail and people would tell me I was so skinny. I was offended because I wanted to be perceived as being fit, well proportioned, healthy looking. Attractive! What a waste of my energy. I am totally cool now with me! It took years and years but now that I’m wiser, I hope, I simply don’t give a darn what people think about me! I’m cool with me! This is what the universe gave me, for life. And I’m doing my very best to honour whomever or whatever decided to make me, me! So yeah I hear you! Keep it going! Never give up and only listen to that voice in you!
Amen, sister.
I think your story resonates with more than the “I need to lose weight” category. I have been thin all my life. I’ve had two children in two years and am now going through chemotherapy. All of which has changed my appearance. I am having a hard time finding me again. Thank you for your heart felt post.
“Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Shout loud, ‘I am lucky to be what I am!
Thank goodness I’m not just a clam or a ham
Or a dusty old jar of sour gooseberry jam!
I am what I am! That’s a great thing to be!
If I say so myself,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!’
—Dr. Seuss, from “Happy Birthday to You!”
There are very many ways in which your quality of life has improved as a consequence of your lifestyle decisions. Make a list of them and put it on your fridge door. You’ll thank yourself for it one day.
What amazing insight you have. Here and now is all we have. And, in this moment, we are simply “this” version of our true selves. You are clearly tackling life with open eyes, mind, and heart. Much love to you on your beautiful journey.
Wise beyond your years. Thanks for the thoughtfully written article.
In my 30s, I had anorexia– mostly, I think, to motivate me to get out of a very bad relationship, and eventually it did. At. 5 ft 6 inches, I got down to 105 and heard myself set as my next goal, to go below the 100 lb mark. Fortunately, I caught myself, found a good therapist, left the relationship, and slowly, over years and years, learned that I am not my weight. At 53, with years of therapy behind me and still more in front of me, this is what I come to. I weight more now than I have since my 30s. At 142 lbs, clothes are tighter, 53 year old skin is wobbly (bat wings for arms), I am grey, my knees hurt when I run, etc. etc., etc. but the peace in my heart that comes from walking through my inner desert to arrive at the place where I know I have more peace, more self compassion, more self kindness, more kindness to others, less ego, and less defensiveness is worth the trade off of bat wings and sore knees.. Here is what I have come to–we need to stop being judgmental, negative, and self disparaging. We need to sit down next to our scared defensive selves and just forgive. We are all so amazing by just getting up each day and wanting to make it better. Better comes from within. Looking at myself now, I would rather weigh 142 and have self acceptance than be my old 125-130 and still think I was not worthy to take up space on this planet. Nothing matters but kindness and acceptance of others’ struggles and of our own. If only we were as kind to ourselves as we are to others. I wish for each of us that we can lay down the lens of self judgement and instead, wrap our arms around ourselves and hold on until we can see our worth just as beings on this planet. I know this rant is a soap box tirade, but I feel the pain of self loathing and only wish to suggest that there is another way. For those who are not constrained by a particular religion, perhaps reading Pema Chodren and/or Eckhart Tolle may help build self compassion as it did for me. If you can think of nothing else, think of self kindness. When we are kind to ourselves, we can be kind to others, and we can be at peace.
Very well written! You are not alone!
I hear you, you resonate clear and strong.
I am the echo of you past, the beginning of your journey. Do you remember how tired you felt carrying the physical burden? Embrace that the potential medical issues waiting for you no longer hover at your door.
How beautiful are you to share this. I don’t love how I look but somewhere in my late 30’s I found the courage to love myself, just as I am. Right now. It’s empowering. I hope you find yourself, you deserve it. Physically I have a long way to go but being thin isn’t my goal, reclaiming my health and freedom to be active without being debilitated by my size is. I have many many reasons why I should lose weight. Being kind to myself is one of them.
After is living in the now.
I hear ya.. I’ll remember too!
I hear you and will remember.
I lost weigh a lot i never cured the ultimate problem and it came back! Now im doing it again and this time im hoping to find whats missing at the end
Thank you for your gift of this blog. Your words ring true. At the end of the day its always going to be how you feel about yourself that matters. No-one else walks your path. Learning to love yourself is so important and something I have found a help is Arvigo Therapy®. A simple, daily self care abdominal massage helps to physically and emotionally connect with our body. It is often the key to unlock many a mystery. Keep blogging, keep walking, keep discovering. X
That really touched me,I know what you feel,take care xx
You are a wise woman…. And yes, I hear you.
I can so totally relate! You go girl. Nothing stopping you or anyone else.
I agree, live the life (the present).
Amazing post. I lost 20kg at one stage, but all I felt was shame. Shame at the people saying, “You look so much better!”, as if the old me was less than. I think that’s why I didn’t keep it off, I lost the psychological struggle.
Thank you so much for putting this out there.
Thanks for sharing that. I can totally relate. You had the strength in you when you were heavier and you will continue to grow as a person.. Do not hate Or deny where you come from. It is a part of your journey and allowed you to become who you are now. Use that story to help others grow but focus on taking good care of your body rather than outward image. We all should treat our bodies more like something really valuable that needs good care to function optimally so that it serves it’s goal better (shining lights in others lives and having lots of fun along the way) . The outward image will then follow because we will radiate happiness and contentment..
I agree. The goal shouldn’t be about the weight, but instead.. To be healthy and live our lives to the fullest and stretch our life span. Being thin doesnt mean that youl be happy. Its the society’s opinion but not the truth. Stay strong and dont melt away that wonderful YOU. your character and your true self should always be constant.
I’m another 100lb plus loser and working on a talk about the mental aspects of weightloss–you talk about your heavy self not being an abomination, it’s YOU–that really drives home the whole fat-shaming attitude of our society and how we’ve been treated.. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Self-love is hard to come by but well deserved. YOu deserve lots of kudos for the physical transformation but don’t let that alone define who you are! Although that’s a huge accomplishment, you are even more than that alone!
Congratilations on finding the journey! You are beautiful regardless of your weight, just likely healthier now. Finding who we are isn’t only attached to how we look. Changing our appearance, however we choose to do it, shouldn’t define us. You are a strong, intelligent, insightful, women.
I can only hope my daughter grows up to be like you. Stay strong and stay healthy. You have many great years ahead.
I cried. Thank you for writing this. As someone who has struggled lifelong with being stuck in a body, particularly this one, why this one, why me….. i can relate.
I have never been fat but i have been full to the brim of that dreadful self loathing and man is it exhausting. As a kid i was rail think and the other kids called me skeleton and there were years where i had zero friends. Isolation is the worst. Getting older and “prettier” didnt solve any of my internal problems. The only thing that helps is confronting them and working on them and fuck it is ever difficult. But the more difficult thing i guess would be to not work on them.
I never leave internet comments and i am fully rambling but back to my point, thabk you for writing this. I look at your photos and i see a beautiful and strong human being who exists through time and space and who is much more than just pretty.
Aah typos. *thin not think
Also just looked at the other comments and someone else also started theirs with “i cried”. That is beautiful. Thabk you again for sharing.
Xoxoxoxo
Beautiful.
You have spoken a BEAUTIFUL truth!! Thank you for having the courage to put these words down so bluntly because they need to be said more!! Good luck as you continue your journey!!
I don’t have any advice or uplifting story to give you. But what I will say is “you’re beautiful.” Before or after, whatever, you’re beautiful. You’re brave. You put your struggles out there for the whole world to see. So here I am, a complete stranger from the depths of the internet, telling you to keep being brave and that you’re beautiful. Nice words from a random person. Hope they at least make you smile.
Wonderfully worded….I promise I hear you….
Every word……my motto…..One Day at a time.
I’ve lost 260lbs in a year and half and its been a battle….I truly feel everything you put into words…..Best of luck love….
Thank you…I’ve been up. I’ve been down. I’ve been heavy and thinner…all me. It is interesting how people react to me…pity when I’m up, congratulations when I’m down. I want to just scream at them because their comments treat me like I’m an object – “oh goody right now you look good. So sad you’re heavy again.” Hello?? Like you said it’s me you’re talking to, not my body….but that’s just it…THOSE people are talking to my body, and they’ve never bother to know me. Those who know me have never given me those looks or made those comments because as one friend said, “aww, that’s just your body, you’ve always been the same great person.” And I have! No kidding..it’s a journey.
I hear you. I went through a similar journey. Whether you decide to or not, it’s up to you, but I read a book during this time called Captivating by Stacie Eldridge. Afterwards the journey this book took me on was life changing and I was able to start discovering the real me. A girl of worth and value. A girl of beauty and strength. After 2-3 years of trying to discover, me, this was huge. And has helped to shape me who I am today.
I totally get it, and I hear you. I can relate totally. I lost over 100 pounds, and of the things that people said that were unintentionally upsetting, my two ‘favorites’ were when they said my transformation was ‘crazy’ (sometimes the same person would repeat it several times for emphasis) and when they said that I was ‘disappearing’ (!?!?). Oh, and my other favorite is “you’re not recognizable”. And people feel like it’s ok to give you these intense up and down looks, examining you from head to toe, that they’d never dare give people who haven’t lost weight. Here’s the good news: You are still you, and now you have an opportunity to discover the inner you in a whole new way. You have an opportunity to use this experience to develop even more inner strength. And look at how many people you have here with you on the journey! Thank you for your honest and for sharing your struggles. You’re beautiful inside and out, before, during, after, and always.
wow wow wow! you totally get it. I love this piece so much and this is a perfect antidote to all of the mind-numbing “before and after” articles we read in the diet industry. you have a beautiful soul and I thank you infinitely for this piece!
Thank you!!! I’ve been up and down with my weight since my early twenties but even surprised myself at the amount I was able to gain when I became pregnant with my child. I’ve lost 85 pounds in the past year and four months but never congratulate myself because I still have 50 to go… The most amazing thing about this is how even the people who are closest to me seem to forget that fat or thin- it is still me in here. It is STILL ME. It makes me crazy. It’s like they have a disconnect. It makes me sad too- I feel I am beautiful no matter what size I am- but others do not. I gained this weight creating the most amazing person in the world- strong healthy and able- mission accomplished- but nobody saw that but me.
Thank you for your honest candid words!
Wow.
I hear you.
I have never heard another soul articulate what you have, here.
During. That resonates.
You know, I don’t read your blog…a friend posted this piece to Facebook after her friend shared it, privately. I mistook the link to show a *time line* of three photos: now, during and after. I thought “radical”! A woman who gained weight back after she lost who is still positive about who she is! Your post isn’t that, but I wonder: what if it was? Because: you are on to it now.
I see that you are struggling with identity and self-perception. What would it look like if a woman lost weight, gained it back and still loved herself?
Mind bending.
You are a woman who is fighting the GOOD FIGHT. I love that you are willing to state that the goal weight hasn’t fixed you inside.
May you find peace and love in your life. DURING IT.
Best,
CEF
Received…loud and clear. I have lost and regained 100+ pounds twice, along with hundreds of yoyo pounds in between. As l near 60,I am just beginning to figure out the insights you so clearly express. Please consider writing a book. There is such power in your words… truly the only way to approach life. You are a gift.
We hear you and thank you! This is but one facet of your life. You are the same person – strong, fierce, articulate – as you were 3 years ago, just in a slightly different package.
I hear you. That you are grieving the loss of your old ‘identity’ means you are moving & growing. Forward motion, always. It’s ALL a process. Congratulations on making the changes you set out to. Keep blogging. Keep growing. Embrace your grief, it’s part of the process, strong girl.
Thank you so much for this. I’m a FAAAAAT woman with health issues, and I’m trying to loose weight for a long time now. I keep thinking, ‘I’ll love my body, and by extension me, when I’m at my goal, when I’m thinner’. I’d never thought of the possibility-what if I don’t? But also, maybe it’s not what you meant, maybe it’s just what wanted to hear, but: fat, thin, in-between – you’re still YOU. Why should I wait until I see a number on a scale to love myself? Why not start that journey now? I’m no less worthy of love just because I’m fat – I want to believe that, I really do.
You are valuable, worthy and beautiful …all your life. Then, during, now and always. Embrace all you have and all you’ve contributed. Try to disregard the ugly part of the world that, albeit unintentionally, brainwashed itself to view some body types less worthy.
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wow what a powerful post. Really made me think
Beautifully written, Annmarie. I knew you “before” and as I remember, you were kind, funny, sweet and thoughtful. I am glad to see you are still those things and I pray you’ll continue to fight to be those things for yourself. You absolutely deserve it. This is a powerful message that I think people need to hear. I will be sharing and I think others will too. Best wishes on this crazy journey of life.
I too have had the surgery and lost the weight!! But I still am working on the inside. I am almost 60, and each day is a gift with my new found health and physical abilities? Staying positive has been my biggest help getting through. I know you will be wonderful and strong in your path in life! Wishing you the best!
How did u get so low? I’ve lost about 200 and I’m stuck at 190. I’d like to get down to 165, even though charts say I should be 135, though I don’t see how it’s possible w my build. I was an emotional stress eater and that went away the first three years after w8loss surgery, but this past year has been so stressful. I know part of it is to get back at gym but I still had plateaud at 180ish. Even skin surgery didn’t help because I went to the wrong dr, I look terrible and I think that’s partly why things have gone downhill this last year, plus other health issues.
Finding you and being you, one day at a time… I loved this. Thank you so much for sharing your truth… I can relate.
I sat here for a long time before I started to type this reply. I didn’t know what to say that hadn’t already been said above, but it was more that I was struggling to put into words all the thoughts whizzing around in my head. More like afraid to, I guess. Obviously by now you know that many people can hear you, but also truly understand you and feelings. You built up a nice thick wall of protection to keep the hurt out. You’ve torn down that wall and now you’re just there, a little 120 pound creature, naked and alone and vulnerable. You will find your path when you allow yourself to trust and be vulnerable. What’s the worst that can happen? A little sadness, a broken heart here and there? When you begin to put it into perspective (which, whether you know it or not, you already are doing) you will realize that the fierce girl is still there and she won’t take any more crap at 117 than she did at the “before” stage. So go be strong. Go be brave. Go be fucking fierce, because nobody else is ever going to do it for you. You silence all those voices when your own song drowns then out.
I absolutely hear you and you are definitely not alone. I gained weight because of not caring about myself and being ‘low’. I have an autoimmune disease and my inability to behave the way my soon-ex-husband expected/wanted completely did a number on my brain. I am now trying to figure out who I am and where the rest of my life will take me at 41. Yes, I am a size 16-18 at 5’2″ and I will admit I don’t like it one bit. But that’s because all my life I have been programmed to believe that clothes look best on skinny people. Loving the me I am now and working on being the best, healthiest me I can be is a struggle. It doesn’t matter what our size is – finding our worth in amongst the noise of life is what’s most important.
Thank you!
I hear you. You are strong and beautiful (before, after, during), and you are inspirational. Thank you for being.
There was a Saturday Night Live skit, I think done by Billy Crystal, in which he extolled, “it’s better to look good than feel good”. It was a joke—I get it—I enjoyed it because it pointed out a glaring reality society tends to ignore. You might not “look good” according to fashion standards but feel really good about life and yourself. That’s the one I want. And you might look really good…fantastic by fashion standards…and not feel good at all inside, which is so overlooked when considering the issue of ideal body weight. (really–ideal?) Feeling good is independent of how we look. Looking good can’t make us feel good, but if we feel good…guess what….by the smile on our face and light in our eyes…we look good! I didn’t raise my older children with a scale. (I still have younger ones at home-still no scale). They are taught to keep their bodies healthy with nutritious food and a healthy lifestyle. They are very healthy and feel good…and thus they look maaahvelous!
Wow well done I’ve lost 6 stone I was having a bad day but now I am looking at myself telling me what I’ve done my diebties is under control and I am feeling good
I hear you loud and clear and this post was profoundly well written! Everything you wrote is so true. Losing weight isn’t just about weight loss; it’s about personal struggles within. In all of your photos, YOU matter! I’ve dealt with an extra 20-25 lbs off and on throughout my life and even that has been an issue for me. I’m now 54 and am on the losing mission again, having lost 11 to date. I go up and down. I can lose the weight when I’m in the mindset but maintaining it is difficult and a lifestyle change. Anyway, I commend you for your accomplishment, honesty and for your inner strength and I wish you all the best in your new journey of life.
Reblogged this on Homeschooling Community of Practice and commented:
An amazing story on being in the here and now
i hear you!!! For real!!! I lost 80 pounds in 2011 and the journey of that was so bizarre! I feel the same on the inside (wonderful!), and I always liked myself, I forget about my new size because I’m still that fat girl… So strange!
Thank you for writing, and peace to you on this journey. You are brave and honest. Thank you.
I happened upon this blogpost by a friend who re posted it on FB. Thank you so much for taking he time to up your thoughts into words.
I have been in an interesting place, where a severe depression, I took meds that caused weight and and found comfort in food, and am 50+ lbs heavier than I would like to be.
My mother and many of her siblings were severely over weight. When she was I her late 30’s/earlier 40’s she had a gastric bypass surgery. She lost a significant amount of weight, however to day you would never know she had the surgery. I believe she struggled with what you described as loosing the weight faster than she could deal with he issues that caused it.
So as I approach the idea of loosing the weight myself, I feel very cautions about expecting it to “fix” anything. My errors at exercise are inconsistent, but I am working very hard at my internal “weight” issues. I realize I have a lot to let of inside, and things to figure out. I feel like some day I won’t need the external weight or eating habits, if I keep looking for ways to heal my soul. While exercise and eating healthy are a goal I am constantly working on, I am grateful to understand that, life is managed, not cured. I live the way you own who you are and your right to be valued at any size.
I am curious to know what you did to loose the weight, the most important changes.
And I wish the best of blessings as you uncover your inner beauty, and help the outside to reflect the true insides of what is obviously a courageous, talented, and amazing woman!
You can email me at tannbing@hotmail.com
This is a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing. Mental health for oneself is just as important as physical. I’m happy to read that you are on a good journey to finding yourself again. 🙂
This is an insightful and honest blog entry that taps into the deeper psyche. This book has a chapter about “getting skinny” (or getting richer, or whatever form that takes for you), and he too, recognizes that that goal is really about something else. http://www.amazon.com/This-How-Molestation-Spinsterhood-Decrepitude/dp/B00AF3UT80 More food for thought.
Someone on my WW Board (Guy on a Diet, GOAD) put a link to your Blog. We often discuss of myth of magical thinking, the idea that there is some sort of transformation or epiphany caused by getting to goal. All that getting to goal means is that you got to goal. Now you need to figure out maintenenance, which is much the same as losing. Only you are now on a journey with no end point, like a marathon without a finish line.
I can hear you
I hear that you are the same woman and I haven’t heard anyone else say that out loud
I understand about the mourning and struggling to find out who you are if losing weight is not your major focus
I needed to read this today
I needed security in my own sanity around this
Stay strong be gentle with yourself
I hear you!! I have weight to lose but I try desperately hard to be in the now and love myself where I am at and know this is a journey with “no after.” Thank you for the reminder. (This is the first post of yours I have ever read – love it!)
Your smile is what caught my attention and made me want to read this. My tears after reading this were for the honesty you expressed about the “before” and “after”. Thank you:)
This moved me to tears. Thank you.
Hey You, well said! I’m still in that learning process after losing, gaining, losing again. I wasn’t prepared for the after Myth. Thanks for identifying it as an after-myth!!!
Congratulations on your incredible journey. However I know exactly how you feel, I lost a lot of weight and still wasn’t happy with myself. You’re amazing and I hope one day you will learn to love yourself no matter what.
Helen
Thank you so much for sharing yourself! You speak with such amazing insight and wisdom. You may still feel you have a long way to go and recovery can be a long, scary, lonely road. Only you can travel that road one step at a time. Just know that you have already traveled so far, even if just in the physical world. That is something to feel good about. When people compliment you on your new appearance accept that for what it is… Recognizing the hard work and commitment it took to get you where you are in your journey. We are all on a journey and are all a work in process. I don’t know that anyone has truly arrived at their destination. There is always room for more self discovery and improvement. Let yourself be OK with who you are, knowing you will continue to work hard at things you want to improve about yourself. I hope that you will find a good counselor if you haven’t already. Gods blessings as you continue your journey.
I know exactly what you are saying..when I was 30yrs old I lost 127lbs…I was your size…I had the very same issues of identification…I wouldn’t show my before pictures bc of comments hurtful to the person I was and always will be….I lived the battle for 15yrs and then I became Hypogloximia. ..low blood sugar issues to the point of calling 911 on myself 3 times. ..long story short..Dr. said I HAD to eat six small meals a day…to a compulsive over eater that’s NOT what you want to hear….like telling an alcoholic to take 6 joggers a day and that’s all….of course in a years time…most of the weight came back…failure to solve the problem to begin with….I’m now 63yrs old and heavier than ever..still hypoglycemic. …no way to win the battle of obesity…bad health is my reward…
I said this would Never happen to me…failure to realize that “on the inside if the 127lbs lady” was a 240lb woman dieing to get out!! She won! Guess all in all..this IS who I am!
yes, I do hear you. I’m stuck on before.Thanks for articulating and sharing X
Amen sister! I’m walking a similar journey of heart change. I have lost weight in the past (50+ pounds). And at the end of it I realized I still had things I didn’t like about myself. I still snuck food and fought the beast of secret bingeing to medicate those dark feelings. At that point I realized I would have to exercise hard and give up so many tasty things FOREVER if I wanted to stay in those skinny jeans. So I quit. And I gained wait. And I ate and ate and ate. There were times I wanted to get back on the health wagon, but I knew it would have to be a forever fix, not a quick “until I’m thin” fix. So I put it off until several months back, when I decided to wade slowly back into healthy waters, not by a fad diet, but by starting every single day examining what drives me. I’m plugging along slowly, making changes here and there, and finding that it’s easier on the days when I start by looking at my WHY and examining who I am and how I got here. On days or weeks when I wake up and just “coast” without digging at the deeper heart issues, I slip back into craving junk, loathing my flabby bits, obsessing with the scale, and unconsciously medicating with food.
Life change and heart change is HARD! You are so smart to recognize that you are more than a size or fitness level!
Reblogged this on moonlessgarden and commented:
I’ve had a rocky relationship with the number, and it gets reinforced consistently that it’s the only part of weight loss that matters. I’m really glad someone has put to words what else has to be found in any physical change made.
Such a powerful post! I am currently trying to lose weight but in years before I had lost lots of weight and I dreaded going out as that is all people talked to me about was my weight loss. I hated the attention and there was other things that were more important to talk about.
The reasons I want to lose weight now have changed. I want to be healthier, I want to be able to wear nice clothes and I don’t want to ache so much.
Thank you for putting in to words what a lot of people want to say but don’t know how to
I am undone. I am on that journey, too and wondering how I can get to my goal as I seem to be stuck at the same weight for a very long time. I find it encouraging, though, that you and I do some of the same things. Hiking/ backpacking. I would love to know more about how you did it. You look like an amazing self! To love yourself before and after is so so hard, and something I really need to work on now. Thank you for this wonderful blog. Good food for… thought.
Brilliant…..
I lost myself too losing weight. I didn’t like the negativity of some saying I looked better cause I felt I looked good all along. I felt I lost my inside outlook competing with the outside skin. I laugh at those now who believe that outside looks are more important in some way. I gained the weight back but am gaining my inside back before I lose myself in the weight lose again. I think I hated the thin version of myself more than heavy me! Too many expectations come with thin me! But I am relearning! Good luck to you!
I hear you and bless you for it,I was “after” and did not realize some of the points you made ,now I am dealing with a 10 lb gain,put this is so important I will not be there again.
You go girl! You are not alone and your words are not unheard ❤ no more body shaming, just learn to love you and work to feel good as you. It's hard not to focus on the image, I'm not at my goal yet and even when I am I know I'll still be working in it… It's even more than a lifestyle change, it's a psyche change, teaching yourself to approach life, body, and food, in a new way… You will get to a place eventually that you won't have to struggle quite as much with the choices, they will become more subconscious. As long as you keep supportive people around it will get easier, dont be afraid to cut out the toxic people either!! If they refuse to understand the process and lifestyle, they dont need to be a part of your life. (After giving a chance of course…) Food is the hardest addiction to overcome because you have to face it every day… And maybe you dont think yourself an addict, but I know I am; and really when you look at it that way, a lot of the feelings associated make a lot more sense. Keep at it and you will feel better, there is no destination, its all about the process ❤
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Wow! What an eye opener! I think this blog just explained some of my weight loss behaviors. I have been overweight all my life. My battle with my weight and food has been ongoing even when I have not been on a “diet”. (I would feel guilty that I wasn’t trying.) The biggest OMG for me after I read your blog is the realization that I have sabotaged my journey to a healthier body EVERYTIME I have had any success at weight loss and my reason for sabotaging myself is FEAR. Fear of who I would be in a smaller body; fear that no one would like me in a smaller body simply because I have never been in one. You are right that being overweight is my description of myself and if I lose, who am I and what am I worth?
I wish you well as you recover and discover yourself and your courage and honesty has inspired me to continue my journey.
I hear you. This post is such a testament to your strength and wisdom in realizing that YOU are still YOU. Brava and best of luck in your further travels to discovery!
I am currently heavy. I have been light. And I have always been irritated at those who look with horror at their fat “befores” and have congratulated me on being thinner. I am always the same person. I am no better when I am thin than I am when I am fat. I agree with you that the real “after” has nothing to do with weight.
needed this just now. How can we keep I touch??
YES.
Thank out for sharing this. It’s true. Hat you’ve lost e weight is one goal. The harder part is always loving yourself. Thank you.
Jenn
I so needed this that I teared up a little. Why don’t people understand that we are the same person, whether heavy or thin? And I’m sure most of us have been both. Maybe it’s because WE did not realize that we are the same person, whether heavy or thin.
I am closer to the before than the after, and I have been my own after in years past. I think because I never came to accept and love the before version of me, I was destined to reclaim her. I’m glad I did, even though it has been hard to find acceptance at a weight that is some 60 pounds from my goal. I’m glad I did because I can come to love her before she’s gone. I can love her and every other version of myself along the way. It is not easy to do in our culture, but thank you for your brave message of how important it is to fight to love our before, our during AND our after.
I hear you. This is such an important distinction! THANK YOU!
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Thank you for your beautiful blog, and you put down exactly how I have been feeling. I am still in the process and not to after, so my picture I post of my weight loss saisd “today”, that’s all I live for is today..
This is great insightful read. Thank you for this fresh perspective.
You are you, the you you are might be healthier at a lower weight, or you might not. You are lovely however you are. Nobody should be defined by how much they weigh, but by how good a person they are. Just my twopennieworth, but I am tired of people being definted as ‘good’ by being thinner. I am (as I usually am) sitting at my ideal weight, but it doesn’t make me nicer or better, Big hugs to everyone who struggles with weight and diet. You are all beautiful, whatever you weigh.
Reblogged this on . A.K. Anderson and commented:
This is not only true of weight loss….
I have been heavy and I have been thin. Am thin now, but would like to lose 10. LOL. Always. However, I disagree that you are always the same person, regardless of how big or small you are. Maybe I am missing the point, but I am much more comfortable in my skin when thin. Parts of me will always be the same, but not that part.
Thank you. Your courage and vulnerability is inspiring. You are a truly beautiful person then and now.
Well said. Thank you for your honesty. God’s mercies are new every morning.
I can fully relate. You put this so very beautifully! I have been on a journey of weight loss, and the thing that has been so surprising this time around is that for every pound of fat lost there have been an equal amount of years shed. I realized that food was not just comforting, but food was a friend. That friend had to die, and I had to be the one to kill it. I had to mourn a friend. I have had to learn to feed myself “love for self” very strategically and consistently. It’s an amazing journey, and the goal is not thin the goal is love. Thank you for sharing this.
You articulated so well the many fears I have. I am terrified of not being the girl who needs to lose weight. Constantly worrying that I will lose myself in the process. The self, that is funny and warm and caring. But the self that I feel is made up to deal with beingvthe girl who needs to lose weight. Because how can I lose so much of my physical srlf and not somehow lose other parts of me. How can I put my energy into losing pounds and still have energy to hang on to myself. So thank you for letting me I am not alone.
You are heard, you are needed, you are thanked with the kind of deep gratitude that you feel in your bones when you read truth. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for posting this. Just … thank you.
Dear Can Anybody Hear Me?, what is your name? You write beautifully, but you are not giving yourself credit by giving yourself an identity. It’s okay to choose a pen name (a blog name?) but don’t neglect to tell your readers who you are!
I am newly diagnosed diabetic. I am eating differently to achieve the correct blood sugar readings in the mornings without the use of pills or insulin. 25 pounds loss means nothing. I am happy I feel better, but that was not the true goal. I am devastated daily if the reading is high. So I am still struggling. And friends and family do not understand that. Thank you for the insight. Love this blog.
I had a goal to lose 50 pounds. I started my weight loss journey and was successful. But I have to say that when I got close to my goal, I started to get scared and even cried over it. The reason I was overweight had more to do with the emotional issues I had. Once I reached a certain weight, those issues didn’t disappear. Even 4 years later, I’m still struggling with those issues and I’m struggling with my weight. I hear you, loud and clear. You are not alone.
I have been in that place. But at least now you know that- life is a journey of learning about ourselves, isn’t it? You have spent a lot of time, so it seems, on a journey learning an amazing lesson about life, and people. You look great. You can do things you used to not be able to do. The weight loss will help you be a better person, just as any life lesson that requires hard work will do. Congrats on your joureny and good luck on the second part of it in this chapter!
So eloquent. Thank you.
Thank you! I am turning 56 on Monday and I have struggled with weight fluctuations since high school. I have lost and gained so many times I have lost count. I am currently on a program called Shape Reclaimed and I am working toward being healthy. I have lost 20 pounds and I have 10 to go. It is and always will be a struggle and I agree…there is no after. You expressed what many of us feel, but are unable to verbalize. Thank you and yes, you are fucking strong!
What an intelligent philosophical piece of writing. I will look for your next post. And yes I know exactly from experience where you are coming from.
Thank you for sharing. A wonderful perspective.
Awesome comments and just Oh So TRUE! People say, have you noticed that you are looking different?? DIFFERENT??? Yes of course! BUT it is still ME!!! I want to scream! I.AM.STILL.THE.SAME.PERSON!!!! it is just that now I am more comfortable, more (dare I say)presentable,more manageable, more active, slightly more confident but still learning how to manage my weight. There is no ‘END OF WEIGHT LOSS’. It is just the beginning of weight management from the other end.
Never thought of it like this, but get what you’re saying. Well written! I hear you!
Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly. I admire your courage and appreciate your insights. Your post inspired me to write again. I have kept my ongoing weight loss/maintenance and eating journey quite private, but I have found that it is tremendously helpful and healing to write about it and also to connect with others who struggle and understand. I have written dozens of devotionals on the topic in the past and am ready to share. I just published a new experience “Name the Pain” and I also added an excerpt of “I will be Satisfied” on WordPress. Feels a little scary to share, but here goes: https://sweeterthanchocolatejourney.wordpress.com/
I hear you.
I just absolutely love this. I can’t say how much this rings true. Thank you for daring to say it. Congratulations on an honest life of ‘during’. Just so beautiful to respect and speak about “her”, who as you say, is still here. Always you. May you come to see your constant and ever true perfection, at every moment, in every incarnation. Wishing you, and all of us who walk this road, peace.
Thanks for sharing.
I hear you! I’m with you. Life is each moment. Xoxo
What a brave post. I hope you enjoy the process of finding you, of being you, of being in the now. This, I think, is a lesson many of us are still learning – it’s not only you. Keep it up!
I love this! It is true for many of us, even if weight hasn’t been our struggle, even if it was a 20 pound weight gain/loss cycle…the deeper issue must be resolved. Love the idea of uncovering, recovering and most importantly DIScovering ourselves! Beautiful story. thank you for sharing!
Oh boy do I hear you. I have done and heard all of this. I am 52 years old and have lost and gained the same 50 pounds a million times. It is so sad. People treat thin people so differently. It just pisses me off. I love to eat. Period. I know how to eat but it is not fun for me and expensive. I honestly hate exercising. I loved karate and loved Zumba but I have bad knees and a bad back. Sucks! I have never learned to love me. Sad but true. I feel your pain. Good luck with all you do sweet girl. You are beautiful before and after.
This is do true and enlighting. The struggle is never over but continues. Thank you so much for this post I am still far away but I will get there!
Beautiful. You are SO RIGHT!! Thank you for sharing.
Well put. I also have hated when people would go on and on about how good I looked after I lost weight. I would think “if they only knew how bad that made me feel about me. I was still me. Just more covered with fat. Just because the weight came off doesn’t mean I stopped being me.” The reason I put the weight on was still there
I thought that if I got to my goal weight I would finally be happy with myself. I didn’t realise that happiness comes from within, not just a number on the scales. You are so brave for sharing this hard truth, I wish you all the best on your path to self discovery x
There is so much involved in self-image, “food as friend”, and weight maintenance. It seems like a lifelong challenge. Jessica Ortner’s book has been helpful to me. Your story is honest, but ultimately inspiring. Best of luck on your journey. http://www.amazon.com/Tapping-Solution-Weight-Loss-Confidence/dp/1401945112/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1429998794&sr=1-1&keywords=jessica+ortner
Beautiful! Yesterday, today and tomorrow in every iteration of self. Thank you for sharing your Truth. It is the truth of so many of us, fat, thin and in-between.
In February 2012, I began a massive diet and excercising regime and lost a 100 pounds in just under 7 months. Fabulous at forty was my goal and I made it, just in the nick of time. February 2013, I had brachioplasty to remove a half pound of skin on each arm. I could not work out for 8 weeks, in 7 months I’d gained 30 pounds. In February 2014, I broke up with the man I’d fallen in love with while dieting. He lived over 2000 miles away, so I had goals set up before I could see him…or should I say before I’d allow him to see me. I sweated that fact daily…on the treadmill, at yoga, doing lunges & squats, during Zumba. This gave me the motivation I needed and I got 70 pounds off in 4 months. Let me repeat that. 70 POUNDS in four months. That was 2012. I gained 30 in 2013. In 2014, we broke up, I fell into a depression I had not seen in over a decade. I drank. And then I drank some more. I also injured my knee, so working out became painful. I withdrew from social activities. No one could see the bad food choices I was making and judge me for it. I had to buy new clothes and didn’t enjoy it. Shame shopping, only yo-yo dieters know this feeling. It is not fun. Post breakup, pre-knee surgery, I had gained half of it back. I danced my ass off in a musical and didn’t lose a pound. It barely kept the Pinot and burgers at bay. It is now seven months post knee surgery and I’m just 10 pounds shy of where I stood a little over 3 years ago. I never got to after either. I refuse to be at before right now. I am pretty now. Larger, yes, but still pretty. I would like to be smaller. But more than anything, I want to love myself enough to know I can be loved now. Right now.
I struggle with emotional eating and morbid obesity. I’m working on conquering the issues that cause the overeating and the weight loss. This, your story is exactly what I needed to her. Thank-you so much for sharing. Can we keep in touch?
I hear you! thanks for sharing this, it’s truly inspiring! I’ve never had a weight problem, but that’s never the real problem, is it? it’s just some form of expressing it, like so many others thet we experience! and of course it can’t stand for an “after”, only you can because it was always you in the inbetween 😉 so I wish you goodluck with your discovery, I’m sure you’ll get there if you keep up this courage; but be gentle with yourself and don’t focus so much on a “goal” – that’s just like a set up for yet another “after”; keep up the enthusiasm and the curiosity instead and enjoy on the ride because self discovery it’s an amazing journey!
Beautifully said! Thank-you.
Thank you for this brutally honest blog. I have been on this same journey over the same time. Our pictures reflect similar progress and I totally get what your saying. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in wondering when my head and heart will catch up.
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While I DO congratulate you on your healthy weight loss, I understand your despair. When we have a life-changing even (I had to retire early because of health issues) it makes us wonder just WHO we are now. I have never understood why so many people treat large people so rudely; how on earth do they know the WHY of their weight and how hard this person is working to discover a new self, not just weight, but who they really are?
I hope you are getting help discovering who you are; sometimes the struggle is harder than the event; in your case, losing the weight. And yes, it will be a life-long issue in keeping that weight in check, but I am encouraging you to continue to monitor it and enjoy living in your new “receptacle” as it were. Just because the packaging is different doesn’t mean the inside has changed. Good luck and God bless you for sharing your struggle.
This is great to read. I am fit, have just run Paris Marathon and am about to run Toronto (3 weeks apart), I used to be a skinny but now am not. I am a UK size 14, not massive but would love to drop 2 stone , 28 lbs doesnt seem much but it is so hard to do. Love food/wine and life and cannot lose weight
Hey There!
I can totally relate! I know we don’t know each other, and I know this may come off as weird, but I too lost weight and struggled with finding me, I still do. However, I found this human potential program, that really helped me discover the ME inside…it’s quite the journey..I don’t know if you’re interested, but I’d love to tell you more about it! Again…so random, I found this blog through a friend on FB, but I’d love to chat! Please contact me if you’d like kayla@socialvoracity.com
Best to you!
I’m heavy because i hide behind being Deaf, and having Autism by eating. Food has masked itself as my best friend. I’m losing weight now, but when it’s gone i will still be Deaf and i will still have Autism. How are you recovering yourself, how are you discovering yourself? I want to be my own best friend.
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I hear you. You are you in every form, shape, size, colour, texture, covering… You are more than the vessel, and valuing the vessel is a part of valuing yourself. But you are still you and understanding the ‘you’ is a life long adventure. Along the way, know this, you are enough x
awesome blog. Lost 100 pounds, reversed diabetes, basically went from horribly fat to more normal “weighty.” No one is grossed out by me but it’s a constant presence in my life. It’s weird, isn’t it?!
Thanks for your post. I see so many people think ‘If I could just weigh x’ I’ll be happy. And I’ve done this myself. Although goals are great to motivate you, what we’re actually trying to achieve is less tangible. For me, it’s about being physically fit enough to do the things i want to do and reducing the risk of me getting obesity-related diseases. If I lose weight on my journey towards those things, yeah great, but it’s no longer my specific goal. This TED talk helped me work this out http://www.ted.com/talks/srikumar_rao_plug_into_your_hard_wired_happiness
I can understand. I have been there so many times. Learning and discovering is where I lack the inteligence to understand my “why”. I struggle every day and one day hope to break the cycle.
What an absolutely incredible post to stumble upon. Best to you!
I need someone like you who has the same struggles as I do. Trying to concentrate on the now and present after a 65 pound weight lost. God bless
I hear you. The real you shines in the sparkly eyes of both “before” and “after”. Your smile looks joyful in both. Thank you for elucidating this incredibly important aspect to change. It’s the heart, not the mirror, that reflects the true person. Saying a prayer for you as you live in the “during” and discover yourself in all your glory. 🙂
Lovely. THANK YOU!
My favorite line: “…not about weight loss… it’s about life gain.” Bravo.
I am very grateful that a friend shared your blog post on facebook. This is such an incredible read. Your honesty is humbling and I think it’s awesome you are able to write about it so clearly. I really relate to this situation. I have lost thirty lbs and then gained fifteen back. I have realized that I was also leaning into that number on the scale as, this is who I am, this lower weight, I knew I was in here…. but the reality is, I am every number I hit on the scale. This body is precious, and amazing, and it doesn’t lose any amazingness when it weighs more than what my good looking jeans fit. My journey with food has also been my strongest pointer to finding the grace and compassion that is always here inside me. When I am using food, I sometimes don’t take it seriously, until I start gaining weight. When I take it as a signal that I am numbing from something, then I learn a little bit more about how to be here, present and inquire into what is really here, what is true. Anyway, I love listening to some different ‘teachers’ about how to realize your true self, and I hope you have some too. It’s so particular to where we each are in life as to what pointers really hit home, but incase you are interested, I like Gangaji for learning how to inquire directly, without any other steps in between. Also, before I started really getting her message, I was first told to check out Byron Katie, and I learned some good stuff there too.
This struggle is part of your path, and you have it there to help you grow in the best way for you, so don’t be too hard on yourself (something I am telling myself as well)! Thanks again for your clear and bullshit-free post, totally refreshing and encouraging to me.
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thank you so much for sharing this. I also struggle every day with food, with accepting myself, with dealing with those who don’t think i’m good enough (my father was one of them), he’s gone, but there is always someone to take his place to tell me “if only…” I love me, and I hate me, but your words reminded me why I love me. thank you for writing.
Such a powerful message! Hope for you all the best 🙂 We are all pretty in any number!
I know just how you feel! I lost 95lbs in my past and it happened so fast… but I never saw myself as thin and definitely never learned to love myself. And despite the successful weight loss, I was even more critical of my body than I ever had been. And learning to let go of “overweight” as an identity, that’s rough! So even after losing that much, I still needed to lose 20 lbs because I didn’t know how to live life without trying to lose weight. I literally never had done that. I kept trying to lose more weight and in the process gained back 50lbs. Thanks for writing this. Many of us struggle similarly.
Your body, before and now, are not who you are. The person who you are is your mind, your emotions and your desires. So many of us, me included, focus on the outside. This can be in different ways and to various degrees. Where your focus was before it no longer needs to be right now, or possibly any longer. Have you changed? I would say yes, the process you have just come through to get you to this point has changed you. Your success would seem to say that it has benefited you. Your focus has changed and so now you might need to refocus on something new and different. I am a life coach. feel free to contact me if you would like to continue on your road of success and maybe refocus your goals. http://www.yourlifehelp.com You have accomplished much and I hope you can see that!
Wishing you and all of us a loving coming-to-terms with what our souls choose to wear over their ever evolving complexions.
Weathering
My face catches the wind
from the snow line
and flushes with a flush
that will never wholly settle.
Well, that was a metropolitan vanity,
wanting to look young forever, to pass.
I was never a pre-Raphaelite beauty
and only pretty enough to be seen
with a man who wanted to be seen
with a passable woman.
But now that I am in love
with a place that doesn’t care
how I look and if I am happy,
happy is how I look and that’s all.
My hair will grow grey in any case,
my nails chip and flake,
my waist thicken, and the years
work all their usual changes.
If my face is to be weather beaten as well,
it’s little enough lost
for a year among the lakes and vales
where simply to look out my window
at the high pass
makes me indifferent to mirrors
and to what my soul may wear
over its new complexion.
Fleur Adcock
Do not let your head , your thoughts dominate you. Nobody can give the answers one needs, only yourself, and you achieve that by being in silence. Learn how to meditate, the mind confuses you either way, it feeds your ego or it destroys you with insecurities, and yes only NOW is important. You are beautiful either way with or without the weight. FEEL the beauty do not listen to your thoughts, sometimes they are not even yours and you think they are.
I SEE you in your words in this blog not in the pictures.
Your beautiful, you are strong and you are here now.
tearfully beautiful truth .. thank-you for putting YOU out here on the interweb, naked and stunning! 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing. I have had a similar issue, although not with weight, so I completely relate. I actually think you should be really proud of yourself for being where you are in you personal journey – to be able to identify yourself as the same on the inside even though your different on the outside is perhaps the cusp of your next breakthrough. Coming to terms with the fact that we are never fully fixed, or perfect, but it’s an ongoing goal to find ever more deepening understanding of ourselves and this human experience, is challenging and sometimes painful, but in my experience also very interesting. Keep going! There is so much to gain from it 😉
WOW, just a powerful post. “DURING” “PRESENT” whatever we want to call it, is what its all about, I hope you find your peace and love for the DURING, as I have & am striving to find mine
xXx
I hate the fact that cosmetic surgeons, weightloss and cosmetic companies market their product as the solution to life’s problems. I’m glad you discovered the painful truth that there is no ‘after’- nothing anyone does to their body will fix poor self-esteem. Neither will the ‘perfect’ relationship, job or purchase. People will be the same inside, no matter how much their appearence, net worth or job title changes. I hope you come to value yourself as an interesting, unique and worthwhile individual, completely apart from the image in the mirror. (This is the difference between being in your 40s and being in your 20s- look forward to it!) Sending accepting hugs, Emily
That is beautiful! Thank you for sharing! I appreciate your writing talents and how you communicate a complex experience and relationship. I had not looked at it that way but I found your writing to be quite enlightening. I think this information can help a lot of people as they go through the process of getting healthier physically while understanding what is going on inside of themselves. Bless you.
These words are so eloquent. For years I struggled with my weight; my parents were constantly telling me to lose weight. Then for a time eveyone kept telling me I was almost too thin, but I still wanted to lose those ‘last 5 pounds,’ I still had this goal in mind that I thought would make me happy. But I never did & I never was. In some clothes I was down to a size 0 (!) & I STILL felt that I was too fat. Now, going through menopause, I’ve gained about 25 pounds back & I wonder what was wrong with me. What IS wrong with me. And I wonder if I’ll ever look in the mirror & like what I see or if I’ll ever feel ‘right.’
Totally, wonderfully stated. I lost 50 lbs and then read that 90% of people regained their loss. I freaked to tbe tune of 30 lbs. Knowing that there is no “after” might have prevented the regain, but like you say it is about finfing the you of you regsrdless of the scale. Dtill wotking on thst bug ftom a less freaked point.
I hear you! and I want to tell you that YOU ROCK!! You are right- there is no after——it’s not about getting to a place, a number, a “if only”, I am learning this now, I am learning with you that we are an ongoing evolution and our connection with our own soul is the key to finding our peace. We have been trained to get some where—I was trained to get there fast!, as fast as possible!! I was a competitive athlete. i am learning to embrace myself now and let go of emotional and behavioral programs I inherited from my ancestors to be able to uncover the me. You are doing that now too. I stand with you!!! Shine on! an dkeep writing.
This is a really great post. I lost about half of my body weight and am now at a “normal” weight. I also thought I would somehow be instantly in love with myself when I reached that magically “normal” number on the scale. It didn’t happen that way. I was amazed that when I talked to others they spoke with open disgust at my previous self. They were well meaning people, many of them friends, but they deepened my feelings that I lacked self worth because you are exactly right, that person for whom they expressed such vehemence was me.
I recently moved far away from where I was before, and though I struggle with myself, I am relieved to be in a place where I no longer hear, “how much better I look,” and “I can’t believe it, you don’t even look like the same person.” It is nice to just be me and be allowed to find myself as I am with no judgement attached.
My daughter,who also lost over 140 lbs, posted your blog on her Facebook account. Even though I don’t know you, I think you were beautiful before the weight loss. Your strength and determination as the chubby chick is what helped you get to where you are now. You should be proud, no matter what your weight! As someone who has struggled with weight issues all their life, I have always felt there was a skinny bitch inside of me struggling to get out. But I guess I was fortunate because the person inside of me loved myself no matter what. I never really cared if other people made fun of me for being fat. My opinion was if they didn’t like me for the person I was inside, intelligent, caring, generous and funny…it was their loss. I hope you come to love yourself for who you are and who you have always been .
A friend shared your blog, and I wanted to leave you a message of support. Best of luck with your journey of rediscovering yourself. Changing how we think and react is always the hardest part.
Amazing article. I look at your pictures and think “she is happy and beautiful and young and THIN! This must be what Heaven feels like!” But you articulate very clearly that our emotional life is more complex than that. I agree no one should look down on the former large version of you. You were still you, just bigger. I have a friend who list over 300 pounds after weight loss surgery but still couldn’t get the puzzle pieces to fit mentally.
Look in the mirror everyday learn to love you … fat or slim it’s a live love learn … happiness will come look in the mirror tell yourself I love you xx
Our bathroom scales share very similar stories, but our paths there were very different. I relate to some of what you are saying, but not most. I also lost extreme weight.
I would say I feel overwhelmingly the same me I always was. I ocassiinaly forget I am now thin, that others are now willing to be openly attracted to me, that people are no longer judging and begrudging each bite I take. But mostly, I am just proud of my strength and my persistence in my goal: Wellness.
I went from 270 pounds to 145 in 2-3 years, and have settled at 160-165 (depending in time month). I went from a size 24 to a size 10. I did not and still do not “diet” or try to affect my weight with what I eat. I never count calories or limit quantity. I never go hungry. I never feel deprived.
Instead, I went off 15 prescription meds and 80 pounds fell off. I did an a 30 day elimination diet and stopped eating what was personally bad for me and lost the rest. My only efforts were focused on being well and whole and off the meds that made me a zombie.
I also was in therapy, did Tai Chi, yoga, EFT, meditation (best place to start!), binaural beats, regular massage, Energy Healing, self hypnosis, aromatherapy, and Prayed often and long. I set my Intent on Being Well and sailed into life.
I practiced “Fake It Til I Make It” and one day I looked up and realized I was filled with genuine joy and happiness and WELLNESS! I had Made It.
And thats how we ended in the same place, extreme weight loss “Afters”, staring at old pictures that look shameful and nothing like the strong, lovable women we are.
I still feel some residual shame over my grossly obese years. I am relieved my skin only sags in a few places. I would have predicted worse. Mostly I feel pride I am healthy and well. There are many things I do and do not like about my body now, just like before.
I would gently suggest, my dear Sister, that you only realize half of what you did. A big part of your goal was to lose weight. And you did. But another thing you did is prove your personal ability to achieve a long term, seemingly impossible, goal. And your current discontent is actually that your goal- conquering self is raring to go again.
You need to refine your life goal. This weight loss was necessary in your life even if it was not the Ultimate Answer. Celebrate success. You did not choose a goal that lead to the expected/ desired emotional outcone. Grieve that loss and embrace your next goal, your next blog, that will meet your new goal.
Sounds like Happiness, or Self Love, may fit you.
Good Luck!
Thank you for your courageous transparency. Resolving my myriad of self image issues is a huge quest of mine. Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation of all we do! I am a life coach focusing in this area. Would love to connect
Reblogged this on Little Ray Of Sunshine and commented:
A truly inspirational post and blog
BodyTalk listens to what your underlying story is and helps you to become a consciously aware and being in the moment and present being. Enjoyed reading your article as it did highlight that until your address the underlying story no matter how much weight you loose or gain you might not feel satisified or happy, good luck with your journey if you would like to chat via Skype and have a body talk session add my Skype ID: leebell6802 or email lee@bodytalkcapetown.co.za
I hear you. I thought the lap and was my salvation! Then the band slipped and now I have a gastric bypass. I had no idea that I had to keep dieting. I thought the band then bypass would do everything for me! Now. I am regrouping my thoughts. I still overeat. I always have.
Thank you for your honesty and for such a lovely post. Of course, life is a total journey and really the biggest thing is to love the you that you are- whatever the waist size or number on the scale. Good on you for realizing that that is the biggest challenge for us. For all of us.
Yes, I can hear you alright.
And it’s a great shame that having reached a “target” you’re still not happy. I can’t speak for other hypnotherapists, but I like to find out the real purpose of my clients’ desire to lose weight in the first place. It’s not enough to say “So I look better” “So I feel better (about myself)” So I’m healthier” ” So I don’t feel embarrassed by my size”.
I want to know the reason behind those statements, to know what “looking better” is for, i.e. so I can attract men/women? so I can become a model? so I can buy clothes easier? so my husband/wife doesn’t look elsewhere?
What’s “feeling better” for? So I gain social confidence? So I can get a different job? So I can take up running/swimming/horse riding or whatever?
And how about “so I’m healthier”? Why do you want that? After all it’s possible to be fat and healthy. Is it so you’ll live longer? Because you want to run around with your children/grandchildren etc.? Because you don’ want to get out of breath so easily?
“So I’m not embarrassed by my size” what’s behind this? Do you feel people are looking at you critically? Do you feel discriminated against because of your size? Do you hate public changing rooms in shops? Is your embarrassment a barrier to making new friends?
There’s always a reason, sometimes more than one, and sometimes clients are remarkably reluctant to come out with the REAL reason, especially in the initial consultation.
So my advice, for what it’s worth, would be to cast your mind back as far as you can to when you seriously decided to lose the weight. What was your “last straw” trigger to do it? What was your excessive weight stopping you from doing that you suddenly (or gradually) realized that you wanted to do?
Are you now doing that/those things now?
If so – great. If not, why not?
If, as you say, you’re the same person, only very likely looking and feeling so much better, surely you realize you have so many more options open to you to enjoy your life.
Why are you choosing to look back and complain? (Yes, that’s how it sounds) Why not choose to look forward and rejoice in your new freedom to do so much more than you could before.
You might express it as “there is no after”
But you’re wrong.
What there is is “The Future” so now you’ve done your navel-gazing – GO GET IT.
Dear One, I hear your essence in your words, and you are so luminous. I invite you to breathe in your core beingness, your fundamental Self, the vibration of your true You. That essence never leaves. It is there regardless of what a scale reports, or the shoulds or beliefs we have accumulated over time and which weigh us down. The practice is to shed whatever blocks our inner light from shining. To observe how we are in the world and dissolve away what does not align with our eternal essence. (without self-recrimination, taking it only as information, not as judgement) You have freed yourself literally from having to lug around so much weight on your frame. Your awareness is keen; I send you love and acceptance as you continue your journey to free your inner being. xo
Perfectly spoken!
Thanks for being so honest. As regards still trying to find/heal “you”, it might be worth looking into whether there is a possibility you are/have been codependent?? It can be related to being a people-pleaser and having weight/eating issues. Obviously, only you can decide if you are, but if so, doing the CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) 12 step programme will heal you inside. Check it out via googling CoDA, and I especially recommend Melody Beatties books on codependency too. Take care.
I hear you, loud and clear. Thank you for your heartfelt honesty.
I don’t know your personal struggle, but I know overeaters anonymous changed my life. It made me realize a lot of what you say here and helped me love myself for the first time.
Congratulations on your journey on becoming a better version of yourself. That is something we all should be working on everyday!
truer words have not been spoken no matter what your struggle…my wish for you is balance in your day to day life-happiness with self will follow!
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I haven’t lost the weight but I have found myself. Opposite of you but still a struggle. I used to hate myself too but I came to a place where I accepted myself no matter what. You will too! God’s blessings on your journey!
I am so glad that I stumbled upon this post. There are so many beautiful parts to this writing of your life and your journey. Life is a journey, good and bad. And you’re right, so many people feel that losing weight will solve their issues, but fail to realize that solving most of those issues starts with loving yourself. Perhaps a lesson most people stuggle to learn and master. We are our worst critics. I hope you learn to love yourself, inside and out. Stay healthy. Stay you.
I love this. Well said!
This is incredible. I really appreciate your honesty.
Reblogged this on thegoodjuicelife and commented:
I came across this today and it really spoke to me. Getting healthy for me is not about a number, but about life and this young lady had great insight!
your article Can Anyone Hear Me? Is an inspiration to me for several reasons: no after, uncovering yourself one pound at a time and your before and after photos. I’m a newbie who is reading THM book whose 64 years and tried lots of diets along with gastric surgery in 1989 which led to 6 more surgeries. Your post inspires me that I can do this, by uncovering one pound at a time. Sandy@SDChoices.com
Gosh, I identify with this and it’s something I struggle to articulate myself. I have a gastric band (as a diet aid, it’s certainly not a magic weight-loss wand) and, as much as I wanted and needed to lose weight (for health reasons), I still struggled to look in the mirror and see who I was. I ended up back on anti-depressants (there were other things going on in my life too at the time, but it all added up).
I find it hard when people ask me what my goal weight or dress size is (I don’t have one – I just wanted to walk without my feet and knees hurting), and it makes me sad when people say “Wow!! You look great!” because it makes me sad for my previous large incarnation. My soul was there inside the larger version, just as much as it’s inside the slimmer version.
Weight is an incredibly emotional thing – from being large partly through comfort eating and then finding it hard to love yourself, to losing it and coming to terms with the “new” person, who really isn’t all that new at all.
Good luck!
I hear you & I love you! Thank you for sharing this. I’m terrified of after too! I’m almost there and don’t know how I will handle it. Hopefully your words will help’
When I struggled with weight, the best thing I did was stop counting. No more counting calories, I don’t have a scale in my.house and 15 years later I still step on the scale backwards at the doctors office. I don’t measure myself. I go by how I feel and how my clothes fit. That’s it.
I noticed 757 people “liking” your story, so the good news is people are listening. Part of the problem is that most people will never understand the problem. The problem is not weight; weight problems are the SYMPTOMS that develop as a result of the underlying issues. Happiness (which is definitely achievable) is only reached when the underlying issues are addressed with resolution in a healthy manner. A physician friend of mine living in Australia was sent (via facebook) your story and he forwarded the information to me because I understand how complex your situation is. I too, have a blog site that explains some of the underlying issues, but I have learned that each person is unique and their needs have to be addressed individually.
Weight problems that develop give people an excellent issue to focus on while the real issues remain unaddressed. Weight problems are visible; real issues typically aren’t. When the visible problem is removed (weight gain), society is proud of you for overcoming “your issue.” They don’t realize that a number on a scale does NOT equate with happiness.
Although you don’t know me from Adam, if your intuition tells you I might be a good source of assistance, I will gladly offer any help I can. I do not charge anything and only request that when you are in a healthier and happier state (which you can and will be in if you choose to be), that you extend yourself to others that need support.
If I don’t hear from you, I wish you all the success on a journey worth taking.
This is beautiful. You got it, girl!! 🙂
Stand tall.
I am on that journey. I understand the comments of …you are so much more….now that….. You are you…
I see a counselor…we discuss the unveiling, the inside changes, the why it was there. You are right..we will forever have food issues.
Few know the significance of the inside journey. KEEP GOING…journal, draw, cry and walk…
Thank you for your honesty. It is powerful. Being seen and heard is a right, a responsibility, and the duty that we all owe one another. Fight for it. Your life matters. You did always deserve to be seen and heard. You will always continue to deserve to be heard. We all deserve to be seen and heard, so hear and see the people around you, and fight that urge to become invisible.
I came across this blog post by accident and I am so glad I did. You express much of what I wrote about in “FATLASH! Food Police & the Fear of Thin.” The weight loss industry doesn’t get this aspect at all and neither do a lot of women struggling for a “happily ever after.” Bravo for writing this, for taking time off from “exposing” your life to the public, and for embracing all of who you are/were, not just the part people want to entice you to expose. It’s a most interesting journey, especially in finding new ways to protect yourself and set boundaries. When bodies do it for us, we don’t know how. There’s more, but I think you understand already.
I hear you and I totally understand!!! You keep on striving to love all of YOU, before, after, through, and especially right NOW!!!! God bless you!!!!
It’s all about life changes I to know and am grateful that I no longer look the same it not the after but what should be..
For that I am eternally grateful…one day at a time…to thine own self be true…a twenty year journey for me and it’s continuum…
The compliment that resonates the most was, “you are looking so fit!” It fed my soul so much more that, you’ve gotten so skinny our you’ve lost so much weight. It was a testament to my work and how capable I am, the great things my body can now accomplish. Thank you for this.
I hear you!! Thank you for sharing your brilliant insights. I’m saving this because its so rich, I can’t take it all in at once. Bright blessings on your journey
I hear you, I get it. The melting away of me only served the purpose of eliminating one of the things I believed was causing my unhappiness. But I am still who I was all those pounds ago. It’s about so much more and the journey is ongoing. My internal mantra has become “one day at a time, keep going, keep breathing”.Thank you for your honesty and courage.
LOUD AND CLEAR. thank you
Although or individual experiences are different I can understand what you were trying to say. As a child I was thin, but I developed an unhealthy association with junk food. Thru it I experienced the love and acceptance of my father and eating it always felt like it was filling that emotional void. It doesn’t. That void is a black hole that can only be stopped from the inside out. Losing weight might make others notice me, but my fat self protected me by pushing them away. Your successful weight loss proves that somewhere inside of you there is a part that feels worthy and ready to be loved. Love that strength, you can even love the old self for all it tried to do. You were protecting something you knew was precious….you. while your eyes might have been corrupted by society to hate what it sees, your mind knows that you are deserving, valuable, strong and beautiful exactly as you are. You have been brave enough to open yourself up and people hear you and accept you. I hope you always enjoy the “during”.
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Thank you for being so honest and sharing such a personal struggle. YOU are so right!!! Numbers do not define us..WE define us. What we see in the mirror to ourselves should be what matters. What we feel on the inside is what should matter. We torture ourselves at times when it’s not needed. And you are Damn strong!!! And your post has made me one step STRONGER myself..thank YOU
I only lost 30-35 pounds from my most to my least, so our journeys have been different, but I felt/feel the exact same way. At 119 pounds I remember breaking down in my bedroom one day because I couldn’t find anything to wear to the club that made me feel sexy. If I weren’t the stubborn, far too rational person that I am, I probably would have become anorexic that day. And still, 4 years later, I struggle every single day. I look at every calorie in every meal and every drink. I haven’t, in 4 years, mindlessly had a single snack or drink. I hate myself for every sip of anything that isn’t water. I feel disgusting after every chip or cookie. I work out 4-5 times a week. And I still don’t look at my naked body and think, “you’re looking good.” Ever. And very soon gravity is going to start taking effect and I will have missed the best physical years of my life hating the way I look. It is the worst sort of torture that I feel too many people just can’t understand. I’m sorry for your struggle, but it’s nice to know we’re not alone.
This is an absolutely beautiful post. I love your honesty. No matter what size we are I know we all struggle with insecurities. Kudos to you for realizing this isn’t necessarily a weight issue, but something deeper.
I think this may be the most beautifully and brutally honest article I have read. You are so strong for sharing your truth. Most people still hide behind the numbers (or lack there of) and sit pretty for the camera. Thank you. Because your words have helped and will continue to help others who are fighting the same battle. You are still that girl, only now – you’re off to embark on a new journey. Thank you xo
I hear you!!! Thinking that something magical and amazing is going to happen when the scale hits THAT number!!! Weight loss is a battle…but loving yourself is THE battle…good luck to you!!!
Thank you for every other informative blog. The place else may just I get that type of info written in such a perfect means? I’ve a project that I’m just now working on, and I have been at the glance out for such information. afakedfckkbe
Amazing. Thank you!!
Beautiful then. beautiful now. May we all learn to love ourselves as we are.
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I love this! Last year I started working on s healthier version of myself and have found the hardest part was not knowing who I would be without my fat and food hang ups. Redefining myself has been far harder than hitting the gym.
I hear you. I am also learning that where I am now is different than what I expected. After 15% of my spine has been fused, after learning to walk again I’m learning that there isn’t really an “after” but as you said, there is today, now, there is life. Thank you for sharing!
My mom found this and it resonated with me. “Sometimes the hardest storms to get through are the ones your soul needs most. And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. But, survive, you did. And one thing is certain: When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm’s all about.” -Haruki Murakami
You didn’t lose the weight to be thin. you lost it to be healthier, to be able to run and hike and climb and crawl without getting winded. You did it to give your heart a break, to enjoy life in the treetops, not to mention all the personal, sexual stuff. Give yourself a break. It’s like you just gained twenty, maybe thirty years of life. But svelte doesn’t mean life becomes easy, just easier. Stick with it.
Well-written and honest.. I like that.
A lot of people forget that it’s not just a physical transformation but also an emotional one.
It’s not that you don’t know how to love your new self.. it’s more about you don’t know how to be without the “need” to lose weight.. And that’s OKAY! You’ll figure it out!
Good job on getting to a healthier version of you and all the very best in keeping up with the healthy choices you will continue making to remain healthy!
Thank you for your story. I have had previous success with weight loss but also current success with weight gain. I too am tired of people (especially family members) obsessing about my weight. I want them to know that I am more than a number on a scale. While I may be at my heaviest I am still the same person they loved at 125 pounds. Thank you for your story, it’s nice to know that other people are in the same situation.
Wow, this post really touched me. I am the biggest I have ever been and I am so scared of the journey. The journey to “after” and what will happen from now to then. I really needed to see this post to remind myself that my soul will not change with the shape of my body and that I will continue to be myself. I know I need to be a healthier version of myself but I now see that my soul will not change. Thank you so much for writing this.
Your insight just uncovered a truth for me – about me! Thank you for sharing.
Wow. An AMAZING message. I see it recommended on two different social media sites that I frequent, so the answer is YES, people can hear you and your message is an inspiration.
Loved your post. That’s why I love the girl I was in my “before” pictures. She loved me and did some hard things to help me move on. She saved my life. She led me out of bondage. I am grateful to her and grateful to BE her.
Don’t be so hard on yourself as to say that “there is NO after”. You forgot to “learn to love yourself” along your journey but as you find that self-love, and find that “happiness” you will find your After! Discipline must always be there and there is no “after” for that but once you fall in love with who you are, you will get your “Happy Ending”! (In my beat Rumpelstiltskin voice)
wow this was the first I read- how true- your words were quite powerful- and yes I flicking hear you! Awesome how u put your thoughts that so many of us have out there – thanks for sharing! Good luck on your journey !!!
Reblogged this on karolkinney and commented:
Very powerful words…about anything we decide to tackle in our lives
Over the past 18 months I’ve lost 110 lbs. Some of my friends have lost weight and they’ve had this “my life is awesome” moment after they have. I’ve been feeling guilty for not having that moment, for feeling like the same me with a smaller butt, but then I realized that my life was awesome before. Sure, I get around easier now and have more energy than before, but I am still me. My friends and family are the same. I took this journey because I just wanted to be healthier. For me, this journey has been size changing, not life changing. It’s hard to explain that to people without appearing ungrateful when so many people struggle.
Thank you SO much for writing this. It makes me feel so much better to know I’m not the only one with these feelings. You put them into words much more eloquently, but it’s exactly how I’ve been feeling and I’m blessed that a friend thought of me when she read it.
I LOVE this post- especially these lines: “Don’t look at her as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already.Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be?” I completely get that- because I was in the same spot. I lost 30 lbs quickly- because of a disease (crohn’s)- and for a bit- I looked GREAT on the outside. I had friends congratulate me on the weight loss, telling me I looked great. It was like…suddenly I was valuable because I was thin? What about the old, heavier me, wasn’t she JUST as valuable? Wasn’t I a beautiful person before? When people told me, “You look great! What did you do?” I actually took it as an insult to the wonderful beautiful and healthy person I was before I had the disease…was I suddenly more valuable because I had lost weight due to a chronic incurable disease? Such a weird spot to be in…I was actually unhealthy- but I looked great…I actually remember looking at heavier women at the pool thinking…”lucky…I bet she can eat whatever she wants without pain….” Such a strange world we live in focused on our surface level appearances…I have come to such an odd place now that I know I look my best on the outside (thin) when my crohn’s is actually eating me alive on the inside.
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You hit the nail on the head with this post!!!! I was one of those who worked very hard to get to “After”, losing 90 pounds, only to gain almost all of it back because I let my guard down and all of my same issues with food came back. It is a daily struggle and if you don’t heal the insides, then the reasons that you were overweight will again become the reasons you are overweight again. Those who haven’t done it think it’s all easy once it’s off, but you are right in that it is just as big a struggle to maintain! Best of luck on healing yourself!!
Yep. And the “during” never ends. The effort required to keep the weight off is equal to the effort getting it off.
It’s not just “during” – it’s ENduring.
But worth the effort all the same.
(Hug)
Your post strikes a chord for so many struggling with weight and self-love. Thank you for reminding me about the importance of acceptance and seeing life as a journey to be savored, not a race to a finish line, whatever that line may be. I’ll be sure to write down your words of wisdom I too often forget: that it is not about weight loss, but life gain; there is no after, only during, only now; and how i am more than just a number or my outward appearance- changes in weight doesn’t make someone better, it just makes someone Iook different. Like it or not, this is me- I think I’ll choose to love it.
reading your post is like walk in my head! I hope you understand that
Beautiful.
I hear you loud and clear! No matter how much weight you lose, food is the enemy. No matter how good you feel on what you and you alone have accomplished, you still judge yourself.
I lost 60 lbs from 2009-2011. There are two pregnancies in thIs time. After pregnancy 2 (5), I gave up. I couldn’t keep the weight off anymore. No matter how much I exercised, food is my weakness. So, after gaining 30 lbs since my last pregnancy, I opted for the sleeve. I guess we will now see.
This made me tear up! You are a beautiful being, thank you for sharing. I hear you, and if only people knew what it feels like. Your struggle is heard girl. And i hear its reflections in my own heart. Thank you for being YOU . much love and support!
Xoxo Lindsey
I hear you !!
Wow! I hear you. Everyday is a new journey . Every breath we take is all
We have. Finding ourselves and making
Friends with ourselves is it. I wish you much love . Love of self is where it all begins
Oh, I hear you! And thank God I found you to listen to! You see, I lost 118 pounds last year (April 15 – November 15, 2014) and have been stalled/screwing around/sabotaging myself ever since – I am now 40 pounds HEAVIER than my lowest weight in November, which wasn’t even goal, (about 40 pounds from it). I have two theories for why I’ve given up on myself and am not progressing as I should. First: Hitting goal was too scary so I ran away from it. I saw the sagging skin and thought it was worse than the tight skin I had at 302 pounds (crazy, I know!) I also began to feel like I was all arms and legs, not knowing how to sit or stand or hold myself without feeling like I was all over the place. Second: I realize now that I “gave up” on myself when I did the math and realized I wouldn’t be at the “end”, meaning at my goal weight/number by the anniversary of the beginning, which would have been 04/15/2015. Realizing I wouldn’t be at goal weight (anywhere between 145-165 pounds) meant I FAILED AGAIN! So it’s almost like I’m now trying to gain all the weight back so that I can start over – with another full run at it. Trying to “do this” perfectly… Without slips, without ever binging or breaking my plan. God! Until I just typed this out I didn’t realize this is EXACTLY my problem, EXACTLY the excuse I’m making, EXACTLY what’s holding me back. EXACTLY why I so desperately needed to hear you in your last post where you said there is no end. The medically supervised weight loss program I joined on 04/15/2014 (non-surgical/no medications, all me and a semi-liquid diet and my will-power!) put a number on the duration. It’s called the 52-week Optifast program. Therefore, I had it in my mind that I’d be cured, done, at goal and FINISHED on 04/15/2015 – But when I realized I wouldn’t be, I believed I had failed and there was no point in continuing. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to hear that there is no end… only the journey and so long as I’m not dead, I’m ON IT! xo
So glad to hear you say that. I’ve been trying to loose weight and I think who am? I’m a food junkie, it’s my closest friend. If I send that part of me away who will I be? What will I talk about, do when I’m stressed or happy! In not sure I would know how to act! Nicely written, thank you!
I have lost 180 lbs after having gastric bypass surgery, having terrible complications- becoming very nutrient deficient, catching a virus almost dying twice, lost the ability to weight bear or use my legs, was in a wheelchair for a year and had to re- learn to walk. I lost 160 lbs in about 2 months. Way too fast! I can’t believe how different people treat me. Like I am someone new they have never met before. Your words seem to be the thoughts I have every day! Thanks for putting into words what has been in my head all along! Keep blogging- you have a loyal follower in me!
Let me start by thanking you. People really need to start separating weight and happiness. I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago. I’ve been able to keep it off, but I find it very frustrating that people assume I’m much happier now. I’m fortunate and have always been blessed with happiness and being content, but people assume I’m lying, or making a political statement, when I claim that weight-loss didn’t really change how I feel about myself. My “happiness-level” stayed about the same, I was just fortunate to be happy to begin with. Our weight is not a short-cut to getting to know someone. Being fat doesn’t necessarily translate into being miserable and fit doesn’t automatically define you as happy. It’s only when we see beyond weight we get to discover the real person, and the truly beautiful and intricate weave that makes us who we are.
Because of the lovely world of Facebook, I can now join a countless number of fitness programs my friends swear by, to help me lose weight and get healthy. Their intentions are genuine, they all believe that if you just eat healthy, you will BE healthy. I know it’s been proven the doing a little bit of exercise each day and cutting out the “bad foods”, will help with those “overweight issues”. But many of my friends don’t understand the real problem that you so eloquently described in your blog. In order to try and get them to understand, I feel like I have to bare my soul and tell them how I am not ready to give up my relationship with the foods I love to eat. I am not ready to dedicate my time and energy to what may or may not be the latest fad. I have commitment issues, and it really take a strong commitment to make a change. The word “diet” is so misused and abuse!! DIET is not an action, but a word used to describe what you eat on a regular basis. You have a diet of meat only. Or sugar free diet because you are diabetic. and so on.
My diet is a poor diet. Could it use some improvements? Of course! We always have room to improve. But until I am ready to find me, and learn who I am, losing weight will not necessarily make me happier.
This is awesome. I have been struggling with this a lot myself. I’ve lost almost 80 pounds over the last 7 years and even though my life has improved exponentially in so many ways, I still feel like the sat overweight and lonely guy i was back in 2008. I’m trying to figure out how to get my inner self to catch up with my new outer self. I’m just glad to hear I’m not the only one that struggles with this. God bless you!
I love this so much. Thank you for your words and honesty. There is always a ping of something else when I receive a compliment on ‘the new me’. Sometimes it was almost offensive when someone would make a big deal over ‘how good I look now.’ I have not ever been able to put my finger on what the other feeling was. With this blog, you put words to my feeling. Thank you!
You are not only strong, you are brilliant. Excellent post. Enjoy the ride of discovery. Every day.
I have cried all over myself reading this . I had the before pictures the after pictures and now the before pictures again. I didn’t learn how to love me before I lost the weight nor how to deal with the food when I did. My journey is starting over again
I hear you. I totally understand. I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds, fought eating disorders, been too thin, too fat, never just right.
you are asking the right questions. I hope you find the answers.
This is really, really great. And you, clearly, are really great. You are also – and I say this in sober earnest, because it’s probably actually a major dilemma, really beautiful on the outside. Especially now you are in the socially approved figure class, you have wonderful hair, a glorious face, a terrific skeleton to wear the body you are wearing. Which can sometimes trap you into putting lots more energy into the Outer You. Brava for working so hard at finding out how to be the Inner You at all Nows, Thens, Soons, Recentlies, and Sometimes. Sharing this post is a kindness – hopefully to yourself – and to many others, whether wishing for beauty or doubting their beauty or just caring too much. So way to go, and blessings on your next steps!
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This is incredibly inspiring and poignant. It’s amazing how easily we become consumed by a goal that meeting it becomes meaningless. Thank you for reminding me that the real journey is learning to love myself
I went from 257 to 155. I didn’t learn to embrace myself and love myself. In the end, I put a lot of the weight back on. I get so angry at myself for allowing it to happen.
You are a strong inspiring woman. I have been struggling with my weight too, putting a picture of me when I was younger and thinner as a goal, and hating on my current size, weight, and shape every day in the journey of weight loss. I keep reminding myself of what you are saying, but it doesn’t seem to work. I will read and reread this post as a part of my therapy. Thank you for putting it so well in bluntly truthful words.
Woman, you made me cry. You got it. So few people do. Weight ( too much or too little) is a symptom of a deeper issue – it is not the issue. You ARE fucking strong. You are not the sum of your scale measurements. You are the sum of your choices, your fears, your joys, your experiences, and every heartbeat inbetween. Don’t ever forget it.
Plant a permaculture food forest. This will do wonders for your mind, body, and wallet.
Love this. Love you DURING. May the strength you are finding continue to propel you on this journey. Brava!
My sister-in-law forwarded this post to me and I’m so glad she did. I can see myself in your words and after reading your replies, there are many women who can. Thank you for having the courage to be open and honest about yourself.
About 5 years ago, I thought I was the “Before” at about 145 lbs at 5’4. I lost about 40 lbs and was, like you, terrified at my “after”. I was obsessed with not gaining an ounce and became so, incredibly unhappy. My personal world inside myself started to crumble and soon I was on a myriad of different prescription mental health drugs, gaining weight faster than I could ever imagine and completely losing the little bit of self I did have.
I’m now, definitely at a “Before” again, only this time 100 lbs heavier than my last “before”.
I’ve had numbers on the scale go lower and then higher than I could have ever imagined and neither spectrum brought me the happiness and personal insight/knowledge I so desperately wanted.
I’m absolutely with you that there is no such thing as an “after”, only a “during”. People say it all the time, but truly, life is just “one day at a time”.
I wish you peace, joy and strength every day of your “every days”. You are beautiful then, now and during!
how wonderfully said x and you are so right you are a strong young lady then now and always will be thank you so much for sharing this I needed it so much now to carry on my journey to my present love Lynda x
I hear you. Thank you for this, it is inspiring! This way of thinking is so powerful in a world where we often focus too much on tomorrow and forget about the “during”.
As a fellow struggler, I can identify with you; however, I have good news. There is Someone who has loved you even before the “before”. There is bad news first. We were all born sinners. The Bible declares, “There is none righteous, no, not one.” Romans 3:10. There is more bad news. Because of our sin, our unrighteousness, we deserve death. Romans 6:23 tells us “For the wages of sin is death; BUT the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Aha! Some good news! God made a plan to redeem us. Even before the foundation of the world. The plan was tough. There was no other way but for a sacrifice to be made. The sacrifice had to be sinless in order to pay for the sins of all. There was only One who qualified. The very Son of God. The book of John in the New Testament tells us in chapter one that He was God and that He came to be a light. In chapter three it tells us that “God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
If you believe that you are a sinner that Jesus actually came to this earth, was crucified, buried and rose again for You; the Bible says if you call upon him you can be saved. Romans 10:9-13
You see, we can talk to ourselves about loving ourselves, but as a believer myself, I can rest in the love that God has for me. Me, the person, not me the 150 lb or me the 190 lb or me the 225 lb., etc. We will all have struggles, some are more evident to the world than others. Salvation is something that changes you from the inside out.
This was am amazing read for me! I had weight loss surgery a little over a year ago and I can strongly relate to you. The number has little to do with who we are. Thank you for being able to put into words how many of us feel!
This is so wonderful. Thank you for writing it! I have shared it on my FB wall and in some body-positive groups I belong to. You’ve inspired me to write about my journey with weight (going from a skinny youth, to an overweight adult whose weight fluctuates).
Here is what I posted with the link on FB:
“Don’t look at [Before] as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already. Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be? Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different. Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not.
She’s me.”
A reminder to be kind and careful with what you say to someone who has lost weight. There’s the common note that you may not know why they are losing weight (it could be a bad reason such as physical or mental illness), but you may also unintentionally reinforce that what they were “Before” is terrible and something they should feel good for having vanquished. Should they regain weight (as most do), that leaves lasting psychological consequences. Even if they don’t regain the weight, you have insulted the person by condensing what they were prior to the weight loss as “bad” and to be changed or fixed. Even if you only mean their weight, it will cause many to question the *entire* worth of their pre-skinny self. Remember that “Before” and “After” are, in all truly meaningful ways, the same person.
Unfortunately, I speak from direct experience.
Yes. I hear this. I think about negative mind and countering negative mind with truth and love. I think about it all the time. The way I remind myself of what you are saying (the statement from my manifesto—yes, I wrote one) goes like this: I take no day off. I practice gratitude, forgiveness and the welcoming prayer. It is enough. God is enough. I am enough.
Reblogged this on Getting Fit After 30.
Thank you for writing this and showing your vulnerability. As I started to lose weight my Mother told “I’m so glad you are taking care of yourself and loving yourself now”. It made me very angry, because I wasn’t NOT loving myself before as I gained weight. I was dealing with my life in the best way that I could. I have lost 75lb of 120. I am closer to my After than my Before and I am scared. It has happened so fast (although it seems like I have been dieting forever) I’m not exactly sure who I am right now. I have written a little about it on my blog Chocolate Sheep Gal but like you I needed to wait until I could verbalize the fear. Change is scary! I have lost large amounts of weight before and I have gained it all back plus some. I am hoping that this time if I look at it enough, if I work through the issues as they come up and not just stuff them away that I will stay healthy this time. Thank you again for expressing what I am feeling.
This sounds hauntingly familiar, only I’m in recovery from drugs and have now gained weight. The struggle is so much the same, self acceptance is still so slippery to hang onto!
Really moving, and utterly powerful. Thank you so much for sharing!
Dear Lisa,
You’re blog is amazing! i have tears in my eyes as I’m writing this. It is so much to take in. For me to be so unsettled and emotional about this when it isn’t me that has gone thru this is a symbol of how much you reflect what is in all of us. We all STRUGGLE with something. It is life. And YES, it’s always about the here and NOW. One day at a time our lives unfold. And one day at a time we address what it uncovers within us. And it’s about choice, and deep down motives both good and bad. I wish you so much! i wish us all the power, the focus, the good. But in the end we are all heroes. We are heroes because in life as we struggle day in and day out we must do as heroes always do………NEVER QUIT!!! THANK YOU!!!!
I read this over and over about 6 times so far. so beautifully written and so very powerful. I too have struggled with my weight for so long and it has destroyed my life. Thank you for this blog.. You put into words everything I think all of us are feeling.
I am 42 years old and can’t see through my tears right now, after reading this post. I was not familiar with your story or journey before now, but what you say here is ME. Is what I felt as a lonely pre-teenager with an eating disorder. I came to my After through pathology, and the lie of how I lost the weight made the pain of hearing everyone I knew and loved, as well as everyone I didn’t know or didn’t love, tell me (incessantly, effusively) how lovely was this new me, how unfortunate the ‘old’ me… made that a million times worse. The pain of it stings even now, fairly regularly, as I’ve changed and grown old and fatter and happier. But you, you made this happen the right way, girl. You are my hero, and I love all of the yous in you already. You are beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Brilliant and wise message. 🙂
Your post brought up too much for a comment.
http://pengellypastimes.blogspot.ca/2015/04/i-hear-you-loud-clear.html
I am 77 years old and still searching for After. I have been overweight, okay weight, thin weight, but never authentically After. Thank you for posting what you have! I will pass this on!
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I have sobbed reading this. I identify with everything you say. I am not AFTER at the moment. But have been. And am now BEFORE again. After as you say did not. Does not exist. My late Mother asked me not to let her down on my weight loss journey.. Well it seems I did. I said to her I want to be accepted for who I am. It’s never gunna happen.. She died and the pain kills me..so I ate myself back to before.
Bless you for this blog
Bless you. Full stop. Hugs.xxxx
Body chills. This hit home for me- I thank God for people like you who speak out.
You (before & during) are Awesome! Thank you for sharing your experience, thoughts and feelings. So many in our society walk around fake. I want and need to hear people’s truths to help me validate my questions and feelings. So thank you for sharing. You are amazing. Keep going strong. I lost about 95lbs. And have maintained it for about 3 years. The last few months I have struggled. I was so “good” for years but with some stressful life events that are challenging my life purpose, I have also struggled to maintain my weight. Your words remind me that I am “during” and I am not a number. It’s easy to read but hard to internalize and overcome. Best to you in your journey!
First time reader here. Just want to say that this is an amazing, authentic, and courageous post! My favorite line was: “Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be?” I think it says so much about body-shaming and self-hatred and how important it is to understand every part of who we are and were.
Powerful stuff and important message.
Right there with ya! Learning to love myself despite my weight has ALWAYS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A STRUGGLE. I’m learning that hole that I feel in the pit of my stomach is not hunger but a hole in my heart that can only be filled by God and fellowship. I have to ask myself each time I feel it, is it TRUE, physical hunger or just emotional hunger. There’s a difference! Hang in there, journal your successes and achievements so when the bad days hit you can look back and remember how far you’ve come.
It’s true, you are exactly the same person. You are wise and loving and strong. You just decided to focus your energy and time on loosing weight for a long period of time and you did it. And boy did you do it!! You do look stunning.
I’ve lost a decent amount myself and although the world treats me a whole lot better, I am the same person. I am not worthy of all of this special treatment. In fact, I am quite a bit more selfish. I do a lot less for others than I used to because I am more focused on that number on the scale and that requires more of my time. I still look in the mirror and see the same person I’ve seen all of my life. In fact now I’m 46 and my wrinkles stare back at me harshly and my stubborn gray hair wont keep covered under any amounts of hair dye.
My husband would rather watch a ballgame and fall asleep on the coach than notice what I’m wearing. So whoop-dee-doo, I’m at my goal weight for once in my life. But you know as well as I that we took our journeys for ourselves and the weight was only the first step. Now we both have just come to that realization. I came to it a bit earlier than you.
I have tried mentioning it to my fellow weight watcher buddies who are on their first journey to goal but I feel so badly raining on their parade. I suppose they look at me and think I’ve caught the golden ring and show up at meeting in my skinny jeans coasting along. I try to warn them that maintenance is more of a struggle because there are no goals to keep you going.
There aren’t any incentives or next steps to reach for – it’s just you, the scale and food – forever more. You need to move that body, eat well, eat less and keep focused – for life. You get it. You really get it. And that’s why you will succeed. You are wise inside and out. You are strong inside and out. And you are beautiful inside and out. You have always been. That’s why you were able to get where you are right now. You believed in yourself.
I can’t stop thinking about your blog after reading a few posts and seeing it a few days ago. I personally have no experience with being overweight or weightloss. But you discovered so much self-knowledge about your soul via the challenge of weightloss that it is so inspiring. I am adding you to my list of heroes.
WOW! this post sums up exact;y how it feels. Here is to the today!
How can I start following your blog? I can’t seem to find how to sign up. I totally understand the need to feel invisable. I was molested starting from the age of 3 by my dad’s best friend. Then again at about 7-9 by a cousin. There are other incidents that are so painful I would rather not type, maybe because then they would seem too “real”? Anyway, my relationships with men anad sex have been unhealthy ever since. The only way I felt “safe” and “invisible” was putting on weight. Now I have been married to a man that is SERIOUSLY the first man that I can walk in front of naked out of the shower and still feel beautiful. He loves me more than I believe I deserve. When he says I’m beautiful, even after 8 years together, I still don’t believe him. But I am now 44 years old, health issues are just NOW starting to be seen over the horizon (I am pre-diabetic now). I also have a 6 year old little girl and 4 year old boy that I want to be a good example for when it comes to food, and love of self. Thank you for this blog.
Every time I read this I weep. Such a powerful piece of writing. And straight from the heart. I hear you. I identify with every word you write. Bless you for giving us a voice. Xxxx
Lisa,
You are a phenomenonal person. You are not the numbers on a scale, your clothing size, your hair color, or any of the outward devices we use to label and define ourselves. You are a beautiful person with talent, Grace, love and so much to share. Thank you for letting us in on your continued journey.
Just stumbled on this post (and blog) and it was what I needed to read today. I have just started my weight-loss journey (again) in earnest, and have over 100 pounds to loose to be healthy. But I struggle with some of the issues you highlight in your post. About 10 years ago, I lost 30 pounds (I was starting at a place about 40 pounds less than where I am now). And I got seriously derailed when the changes really started to show, because it really, really hurt to hear people talk about how great I was doing — because it was done at the expense of who I was before I lost the weight. If someone told me I looked so pretty “now” that meant I wasn’t pretty “then.” My mom even told me to be careful not to gain back the weight because I didn’t want to be seen professionally as “the fat girl” — so is that all I was? It didn’t matter that I was smart and successful and caring? The “fat” just was an umbrella over all of the rest? So I gained back all the weight, and then some. Not on purpose — but as a defense mechanism. I think I had an “I’ll show them” mentality, but in the end, it only hurt me. Because now I’m older, and achier, and more unhealthy, and worrying about being around to see my two boys grow up. So I’m trying again, but I am trying to prepare myself for the mental side of weight loss. Because I want to be healthy, but I also want to value myself NOW for who I am, so that when the rest of the world values me more for loosing weight later, I’ll know that I’m still the same person. And I’ll know that my value doesn’t increase just because a number on the scale goes down. I want to still be me — just a healthier version.
That was beautiful. You are, and were, and will be beautiful, beautiful you. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much for writing this. I have been on a similar journey and I remember getting the numbers I wanted to see on the scale and being dissapointed because I thought “but they still don’t like me” this journey will never end but knowing that reminds me to keep fighting. I don’t want to go back so the only way is through. Every challenge, every obstacle that’s what life is. But the journey gave me plenty of practice to develop my strength and perseverance.
I eat a normal, healthy diet. I work out three times a week. And I have weighed the same (give or take 5 pounds here and there) for over ten years from my mid-thirties to my mid-forties. I am also what the medical profession would call morbidly obese (what a term, eh?). But I’m also healthy…some slight hypertension (runs in the family even my “skinny” family members). I DO NOT have an addiction to food. I know who I am, I am a professional and a mom. I am beautiful and know it. I have had lovers and partners and lots of great sex. I figure that this is where my body wants to be. If it hindered me from enjoying the things I like, I would lose weight, but ONLY for that reason, and that hasn’t happened. I was not always an obese as I am now, but I’ve always been heavy (and didn’t eat any more than my friends) when I was a lighter heavy. What got me to the weight I am now, was yo-yo dieting because of societal guilt and shame. Society put me at this weight, not addiction. If anything I became somewhat addicted to losing weight! I recovered from society, NOT eating, NOT addiction, and my body has established its new normal and it’s cool by me, because I am still the same fierce woman I always was at any weight, and I do whatever I want and enjoy life to the fullest. You can really only discover the real “you” when you stop worrying about what other think of “you” and try to shape yourself to those expectations.
thankyou for sharing your inner struggle. You are and have always been one strong woman!!! I too struggle with how people react to your weight loss and sometimes want to reply ‘Yes I was a big fat person!” ha ha I am still on the journey and would like to be about 10kg (22 pounds) lighter but I am not stressing about it having already lost 38 pounds. Just enjoying life and being a healthier fitter version of me 🙂
Yep. Good job girl. Keep on keeping on. It’s not a diet. It’s learning to cultivate a new lifesyle, and an always, continually working on that relationship with food… you must always be your own best advocate and your own best guard dog, and discipline-source… and motivator. It’s challenging at times, but you’ve already done it once… now just don’t forget how to do it, and join all of us in learning how have that healthy relationship with food, so that we can maintain our healthy weight. 🙂 YOU ROCK.
typos aside… i think you got the gist. LOL
thought provoking post. Having just shed 42kg myself I am currently going through my head and body not tying up and people saying the things you mention in your post. I had never thought about it in the way you describe but it is so very true. Well done and congratulations on your weightloss.
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I wanted to let you know how amazing this particular post was. You hit the nail right on the head that prevents people from losing weight in the first place. Fat or thin, we are the same person inside. There needs to be a full ‘makeover’ when losing weight.
I have finally embraced all my needed growth spurts and started my journey to health in January. I’ve discovered along the way I am not as broken as I thought I was, I am much stronger than I thought I was, and the fat is a symptom of much more serious medical issues.
I am so grateful I discovered your blog. It has empowered me even further and has given me hope. I
Love this line Katey!
“Fat or thin, we are the same person inside. There needs to be a full ‘makeover’ when losing weight.”
Good luck in your makeover!
Thank you for sharing these feelings. I’m 51 years old and have been overweight my entire life. It’s all in my head. A lot of self-hate, self-disrespect, anger, you name it. But I’m working on changing ME. Respecting myself more, loving myself more, becoming happier. And with that I bet the weight will leave through more respectful and loving food choices and gentle but effective exercise.
People have been after me to diet for years – If I hear how my father lost 20 lbs on Medifast shakes one more time … – but I’ve always known it’s deeper than that for me.
Thank you for writing such a clear and kind post.
This is the first post I’ve read on your blog, I’ll now go back and read the rest of it.
I found my biggest obstacle in my weight loss journey was tied to self respect. I really had no idea this was an issue of mine until I read about it on another blog, and it hit home for me. I was not respecting myself for the choices I was making in many areas of my life – my food choices, my free time choices, my choice to choose comfort over working towards my goals (goals like spending 5 minutes lifting my hand weights or a half hour journaling or time invested in reading a good book), and it all added up to a large amount of disrespect for myself. Once I started making respectful choices, my mental attitude shifted and I started to like myself a bit better, and that led to making better choices, and then liking myself a bit better again, and so on. It perpetuated itself in a good way and led to lasting results. You will have success and indeed see the weight leave when you realize that every day, every hour,every decision (even those having nothing to do with food) every meal, every snack, you have a CHOICE. And the more you choose YOU, and not the food, the more you respect yourself. Little choices lead to big changes. You will see!
I hear you loud and clear, and am humbled by your courage.Best of luck to you on your journey, Brave Woman.
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Thank you for posting this. Wishing you all the best. I needed this today. Blessings to you.
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thank you got that message! I currently am 320, at 5’7″. I used to be at a healthy weight once or twice…being I grew up an athlete. Even after having 3 kids I was “healthy” -physically. Little did I understand the heartache, disappointment of PTSD, depression, and how dibilitating it has become in my life. I can’t seem to find my way back to being mentally & physically fit.
I’ve had decades worth of counseling and I understand what I have learned, but I don’t know HOW to like-love myself. Do I feel stuck. Thank you for sharing your story. It really has given me hope, to help me on my journey thank you!!
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I just had to tell you how much I appreciate this posting. You put into words so perfectly what I’ve felt after my own weight loss and your use of the word during to replace after is so brilliant. I applaud your efforts because I know what it feels like and I thank you for such beautiful honesty and insight.
I have weighed between 115 and 120 pounds all of my adult life (more than 30 years) and I struggle with my weight every day, every moment. If I am not overweight, it’s not because I’m lucky, it’s because I’m obsessed. Captivated by my self-image as a physically attractive, likable, lovable, agreeable, because this-is-how-I-will-be-safe woman. If I meet the standard, then I will be worthy. Sad, eh?
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I am proud of your accomplishments. Some of my reflections on a similar journey: http://risingphoenixstory.blogspot.com/2015/05/becoming-michelanglo.html
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I actually teared up when I read this….. I started out as a 306 pound lady, and I am now at 248. My first BIG goal is 195. I know that seems heavy to some, but I have not been under 200 pounds in over 30 years. So it is a HUGE goal, at 100 pounds gone. I am starting to feel exactly what you talked about… I am stressing about “what am I going to do” when I get there. I did start my own FB page called Shrinking With Shassysue, and I reach out to others dealing with the same thing I do… So that will be outlet… Thank you for inspiring me…. Shannon Strickland Brown
First, let me commend you for your goal of 195! That’s just terrific. What an accomplishment that represents hard work and determination and stick-to-it-iveness. Second, let me say that I get it, your fear of what you will do when you get there. I too didn’t know how to picture myself as finally becomingThe Girl Without The Goal. I had the carrot of “you need to lose weight” dangling out in front of me for so long that I had no idea what I would work towards or think about when I finally reached my goal weight. And it IS scary, no matter if you have 20 pounds or 100 pounds to lose. Just as we’re the same person before and “after” (during) we lose the weight, we are all also fixated on the same goal if we are a woman who is looking to lose. We’re all afraid to cross the finish line because we have thought about ourselves and our weight and who we are in it for so very long, we realize will now have to get acquainted with new thoughts, new goals, and new directions. You are not alone. What you are experiencing is common!
Don’t fear getting to the goal. Do as you are doing – reach out, network, talk about it, share how it’s affecting you – be open, real and honest. Getting to know yourself at a different weight will present its challenges; it would be naive to think it wouldn’t. But it’s worth it, and what you will learn about yourself you will someday be able to turn around and use to help others who are walking the same road.
Wow. This was posted on Facebook by a page I follow and caught my attention immediately. I have been in the same boat you are now. Unfortunately, my “after” didn’t last because I wasn’t able to love myself. My “after” number wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t where I thought I should be when I reached that number and I gained every last pound back. I’m now 40 years old, a mom of 2 grown children and a grandma and trying to find myself. Thank you for posting this. I didn’t realize other people felt the same way!
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Thought provoking and inspiring. Thank you for sharing that insight!!
I don’t know anything about you. I only know this post about you, as I just discovered it… 2 minutes ago.
And I love you.
You’re willing to be honest with yourself, and to be courageous. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to carry on in spite of fear. Or as John “The Duke” Wayne said, “Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.” There cannot be courage without fear- and you are a courageous, wonderful, amazing person.
congratulations for being honest enough with yourself to admit that your brain is not skinny or fat. Your brain is YOU and you take YOU in whatever body you put YOU in. Losing weight to be healthy is a fantastic goal. Losing weight to escape the old YOU is not. She is still right there.
I hope you are getting help from a behavioral health professional to guide you through the next part of your journey. This is the hard part. You can do it though because you are a strong, worthy woman. Good luck! Dr T
I totally relate to this bolg post. I have been at goal several times in my life and I am always surprised that I am not completely happy and able to eat whatever I want and never exercise unless I feel like it….. There is a lot more to weight loss than diet and exercise for me at least. Thank you for this post. I’ll be praying for you….and for me.
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I hear you…
Thank you for the reminder…
I hear you. 🙂 I started a discovery process about 3 years ago after I was diagnosed wi th PTSD and “woke up” from the nightmare. A year ago I got the food issues “under control” enough to start losing the weight, and I’m down 65 lbs today, out of 95 that I want to lose. I did “before and after” backwards from what you did, I guess: losing weight is the result of the process of discovery, not the end game itself.
Today I generally am much more confident, self aware, and significant in my own eyes than I ever was, which is an amazing transformation for me. But there’s a place deep down where I still feel the need to curl up and hide. When I catch my reflection in a window or mirror, I don’t recognize myself. Who is that tall, fit-looking woman with the great hair 😉 and sassy walk? I don’t feel like that woman.
A huge part of the challenge has been the messages I have received from my family over the years, that I didn’t measure up. I know what I’m capable of, and it’s absolutely more than enough. But others wanted more, always more. I look in the mirror and see that my last great physical hinderance is gone – I can do anything I want, and it is enough. I have placed a large mirror at my desk where I get continual feedback that contradicts the voices calling me from the past – between the pictures of my kids smiling down at me and seeing that woman who is me standing tall and proud, with the permanent anxiety no longer straining her face, my physical reality is pulling me into the present.
If u don’t learn to love yourself then you want be able to let someone love you the way that u need to be loved!
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Truth!!! ❤
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Very brave of you to post this and thank you for sharing.
You have brought tears to my eyes. What a beautifully written post. Thank you so much for sharing this part of You with us.
I freaking love this post. THANK YOU!
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OMG what a sad but revealing post this is!
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This is a very honest post about something many people going through a weight loss process face. I work with people who are on this same “mission” and I really do stress — at all times — that you have to really get to know yourself throughout the process and not focus so much on the ending or after as you say. Many of us (myself included as a recovering bulimic and binge eater) labor under a misapprehension that once we lose weight or change something about ourselves that life will just magically get less tough. You’re so right, it doesn’t, it gets TOUGHER, because the further down your path on your journey you get, the you reveal and need to get comfortable with. You are the same person, you’re just in a changed body — all that it’s taken for you to commit to your health and weight loss shows that you value yourself and love yourself enough to make such a change. Continue to live with that same passion, but apply it to everything else as you discover yourself and continue to recover yourself. Recovering is a lifelong process, but it can be managed and it can be rewarding to work through. Congrats on all of your efforts and for sharing the important message you have! I can see it has touched many people.
You have put into words some of the feelings that I have with my after. I hope you don’t mind that I shared the link on fb with my before and after picture. For me the strongest line that struck me is “Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be?” this is the thing that has bothered me the most on the after. Thank you for writing this!
I heard you. This will help me in my journey more then you. Thank you for sharing!
This is why I have not been posting…because this blog is not about weight loss…it’s about life gain. I could not bear to post here about the … llossw.wordpress.com
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Reblogged this on Wanderlusts Of A Bohemian Princess.
Reblogged this on My Atkins Journey.
Thanks For Sharing The Story, It Is Really Inspiring. You Are Absolutely Right It’s Not About Loosing Weight Its About Get Back Your Life. It Would Really Help Everyone Who Are Looking For Weight Loss.
Absolutely Inspiring!!!! Your journey is so motivating for many people.Thank you for writing..
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The pounds have melted off of me as well. January 2015, husband since 1996 left me. I was then a size 24, now a size 8. I always remember I am Braver than I BELIEVE
STRONGER. Than I seem
SMARTER
Than I Think
And TWICE AS
BEAUTIFUL
AS I EVER
IMAGINED
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Reblogged this on Colorado Hummingbird.
Excellent piece! Better than that actually it should be read by everyone who has had, or is considering Bariactric surgery. I am proud of your strength and insight.
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Your honesty with yourself is beautiful — bare, raw, clean and clear! All pared down to the exquisite essence of being who you truly are — an amazing, strong and lovely woman. Here, now, present and shining forth in your truth.
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I know exactly what you are saying. I have lost and gained the same 40 lbs over and over because every time I get to the “after” I’m not prepared for it and eventually gain the weight back because it’s so much of a struggle I get depressed thinking that my new life means that I have to be so disciplined with food and exercise it takes over my life. But once I slack off for even a moment I’m gaining the weight again. Then I’m depressed because I feel like I failed myself and all those who were cheering me on. I am actually terrified to lose weight again because I wonder if I’m just setting myself up for failure. So I’ve decided that I will try and be conscious of the food I put in my mouth and I will excercise by walking to try and be healthier but that’s it. Gone are the days of making myself crazy and here are the days for loving myself for who I am whatever size that is. It’s about joy and love for yourself and acceptance. All I know is now I can breath again. I wish you every success in your journey of self-discovery in the here and now. One day at a time is a cliche maybe but it really is the truth.
I’ve never had problems with my weight,but I’ve always found it very interesting how someone who’s trying to lose weight thinks that it’s the ultimate happiness destination.
I hope you can see how amazing you are! Well done, even if you like when people say it.
A brave and gritty study of self, honest and unapologetic. Beautiful for the balance of tenacity and tenderness.
This is so inspiring ! check out my blog if you’ve time 🙂 https://juststopthinking.wordpress.com/
Reblogged this on moodymine and commented:
This is the first post I have read after becoming a blogger at wordpress. I love this post because it highlights the very aspect of weightloss.
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Such a ‘soul search’ inspirational post. My favourite line: I am the goal.
Wow. I came across this by accident but wow. I think what you’re saying here is something that so many people struggle with. I also think that you’re such a strong person.
I guess I want to say that I understand what you’re saying and I relate. I might not be as far as you, but you are one great example. Thank you.
This is everything that I needed to read right now. Thank you so much for sharing.
I needed this so much, I love it, thank you!
Sounds as if you are newborn. And taking the steps to appreciate life. Not the numbers. Press on . Pray helps in all things. What a great POST.!!!
inked out
melam
What a great post ! You’re absolutely right about discovering yourself. I use to be so worried about the numbers on the scales when I was younger always having to be a certain weight to be “thin” but the best decision for me was putting the scales aside and just looking in the mirror , if I look good then the number shouldn’t bother me and if I felt a little bigger a bit of walking and biking was needed … and it worked ! I kind of discovered myself in the process , how its not always about the “digits” but how you feel being that weight or even just how you feel looking at yourself in the mirror! Thank you soo much for sharing !
I dont exactly know how can say how much i appreciate this post.
I am stuck in this journey to lose weight and unluckily i have always been one of those whose family never really made me feel very positive about my body although i know they do live me.it has been really tough to for me to actually begin this new routine of life only to prove to certain people how my body is beautifully mine.
I dont know if im going to be happy or feel the same once im done…and now i know im never going to be done with this. But this writeup of yours gave me some real inspiration. So thank you 🙂
Thank you for your post because it’s important to know that, important to read it from an other person. I’m still in this unlogical issue with before/after and it’s hard to struggle with. It’s hard to hate myself because of my weight. I’m working on it and your post is really, really what I need. I’m not an after anyway – a before neither. I’m here and glad to read what you have to share. Many thanks.
You got it; there is no after. Only here and now. Very nice post.
Thanks for the post – you have made a really important point come alive! The concept of before/after has always struck me as one that prevents living now. I hope you continue to inspire!
Love this… Thank you.
Fantastic writing with a powerful message. I have similar feelings about aging. The younger, thinner, firmer me is not the better me than the 62 year old me. Thank you for articulating that. I don’t pretend to understand your struggles. But your self-discovery is amazing. I’m going to go back and read your other posts 😃
Wow such a great piece, really interesting to here an honest view on weight loss
It’s very true. You think life will be better, and more fulfilling, but it isn’t about the number or how you look. It’s up to you to make yourself happy and not try to define yourself by how others see you.
I haven’t changed, I’m the same person. I went from 280 to 150 and I’ve gained some weight back this last year. I struggle with my weight all the time. This past year has been a really hard year for me, and I stopped my healthy eating habits and stopped working out. I have to start all over again with my workout routine. Things I was able to do so easily a year ago are now really hard, but that’s ok. I’m working on myself, for me, and no one else. I’m finding out what I love and what makes life worth living.
Damn, girl! You said it.
I would like to share with you a beautiful memory of mine.
I was walking in the early morning with friends when he passed by on my left, I was going south and he north to jerusalem, I know this because the sun was rising.
He wasn’t much to look at reall y, short maybe 4’11”, he shuffled along rather then walked, Fragile looking and quite boyish really though he was 30 years old or so. However when He passed over my left shoulder I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew at that moment who He was, I looked at my friends and said “That’s Him” they replied “what, WHO’S WHO”, I said that’s Him, that’s the Lamb of God, that’s the Son of God. I looked at Jesus and He had stopped and looked over at me about 10 feet away with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. When He looks at you we know he knows us and loves us. As I approached Him, He embraced me as I thanked Him for coming to save us. I couldn’t stop thanking Him. Anddid I already say he has the most beautiful smile, well He does let me tell you.
The funny thing is, here is the creator of all things, or God, Our Savior and he LOOKED as if he were a fragile, boyish, geek who had not the power to do anything those big, strong, beautiful people are so capable doing. Yet looks are deceiving as I now know and I will witness to from here into eternity. Sister, remember Jesus loves us from the inside, then out to others.
Jesus saves, my name is Gary
THANK you Jesus
amazing!
I remember you
Yahweh remembers you
Be blessed more sister
💘💘
Love this post! Such great inspiration! Love to make more links on her with people like you! Would really appreciate it if you could maybe pop over to my blog and see if it’s your kind of read! Lots of love 😀
This is such a
This is such an inspirational post. You are beyond strong and courageous. Thank you for sharing
I hear you beautiful. I truley hope that you do learn to love yourself inside and out. You have come a long way in your relationship with food (going by the photos) but coming a long way in a relationship with your inner self is a harder process but exeedingly more rewarding. I myself struggle with my weight but i know that i will never accept my changing outward image if i cant accept my inner changes. So therefore i have decided to learn to love myself before i embark on the weight loss journey. Thankyou for your post. Warm blessings
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Much encouragement to you. You have gone a long way! Great inspirtaion. Thank you for sharing.
Reblogged this on Two Sides.
Thank you for honoring yourself through all of your life stages. ~ Life goes on. Looking forward to hearing about your new adventures in life. – Like where you went with that backpack!
Your words are so encouraging! i struggle with food also, not because of weight (i don’t care too much) but because of skin allergy i get when i eat some stuff. I don’t eat unhealthy, but my skin seems to think i should only eat rice and veggies…
And i feel very weird seeing myself changing in the mirror, one day fine, next day crazy red…thank you for this post. After all, the me is still there and not going anywhere. I wish you good luck on your inner journey!
I have been 98 lbs and 180 lbs and everywhere in between. I hated how thin I was all through my childhood and school years. People flung insults all the time like “skinny”, “bony”, “chicken legs”.
Then I had kids and gained double the weight I’d been before I got pregnant. People stared – people who KNEW me & had known me my whole life – and said things like “now you can get started losing the baby weight.”
I have been hurt and belittled by and because of my weight at every tick on the scale between these two numbers. It took me years to say, unapologetically, I love myself. I am pretty freaking awesome. My body is amazing, too, because it has carried me through some difficult times and birthed beautiful babies. This body is a gift.
That’s not to say I wouldn’t like to feel better, healthier, because I would. I don’t feel as though I am. I get out of breath. I get tired and sleepy easily. I have insomnia. But none of those things are who I am. And neither is my weight.
Congratulations on working to find yourself. Congratulations on recognizing that you need to love YOU. Congratulations on being the strong woman that you are.
this is very insipiring ,thank you,
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wow! this is an eye opening post. specially for everyone who is trying to reach that after and hating the before. like me
Hi, may I be your friend?
Wow. This is a powerful post .
I know exactly what your saying i’m trying to lose weight now and just by reading your post i’m wondering if i would ever be happy about myself if i lose weight will i be happy and that it will not be a struggle anymore?
This is brilliant! Thankyou for telling the truth xx
I LOVE this post!! Thank you for sharing. I hope you continue successfully on your journey of “life gain”! I call mine “lifelong learning.”
me to I love this post
Inspiring!
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant! I wish you all the very best on your journey – you are an inspiration, with more power than I think you have even imagined yet.
I not only looked at this post but about 7 of your other posts. You have very descriptive talent and your honesty throughout your journey is very refreshing. You’re doing a fantastic job. :0)
I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE THIS POST!! SO MUCH! I AM SURE MANY PEOPLE HEAR YOU IN THIS WORLD, CUZ IF THEY DON’T I AM GOING TO MAKE THEM!
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Reblogged this on nidhikafalia and commented:
A powerful and so genuine article….
This is powerful post!! I too have struggled with weight troubles, I was a HUGE guy(160 pounds) during my teenage years with a height of 5 feet 2 inches, but after that I lost weight, and I too have struggled with my new identity, which I see in recent photos. Whenever I show a photo of my fatter self to someone, they say now you look completely new person, when actually I am not, I’m the same I was “before”. I completely agree with you, when people tell me that now you don’t need to lose weight, now you look OK, losing weight is NOT just about physical change, it brings about a change in your mind’s mental picture of yourself, and it still affects me now, even though I’m 5 feet 6inches and weight 115 pounds or so!!
An amazing post!! 🙂
This is so true…
Very powerful blog. I’m skinny and I always wanted to put some muscles on myself. I’m too timid though. I know I’m only excuses. Reading your blog ignited the fire for change though. I hope I can keep the fire burning. If you’re interested, I have a blogpost about a teenage mom’s pregnancy. During the course of her pregnancy, she is slowly changed by the little angel inside her. Check it out here: https://mediocrehuman.wordpress.com/2016/01/16/when-you-are-not-ready-to-raise-an-angel/
Thank you for your honesty. A very strong and powerful message!!
Wow. You go girl! You look great.
This is such a wonderful post. Thank you for your words, really.
I have just started that huge battle against myself… I have started a blog about and it is called “lo que de verdad se pierde” –> “what you really loose” Weightloss is what people see, but there is a lot behind of that. My last post talks about what you are saying: it is me and it has always been me… So tough! So hurtfull… I am not sure if I will be able to survive like you did.
Reblogged this on Think Out Loud by Aida.
Amazing. 😄 this truly was an encouraging read. Praying that you’ll find contentment regardless of what you weigh. I find this to be a struggle too. So thank you for sharing.😃
Such a nice inspiring blog…I wish you luck as you are going to rediscover yourself..:)
Would you mind looking at my blogs? 🙂
You experience (story) is wonderfully inspiring. Thank you for sharing. ☺
I m taking contents of ur post for reposting on my blog: indrailsearch.blogspot.in
Thnx a lot
im 48 kilos and 4’9 height do I need to reduce weight?
An insprational piece
Such a strong inspiring message 💕
More please
I’m amazed at how strong you are. Writing such a post takes a lot of courage and loads of self-awareness. I don’t know you, I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I can tell that just by this post, you are a much better human being. Congratulations!
What an honest and encouraging message
What an expression of the truth behind not loving your present self and trying to be some other person altogether
As one has said, if you try to be some one else you won’t end up being that person but would yourself too
But congratulations on your weight loss, now go get what you truly aim for in life
Wow!!! What an amazing post. I am at thd begging of my weight loss journey and this is so inspiring and true. I have ups and downs alk my life. This time I have a goal and mountains of support. Lost 2 1/2 st so far got a long way to go though.
A beautiful work of art! Congrats on “being” every single day!
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This is a powerful post! I gain and lose and gain, and lose, and…. Part of that is that I don’t know what to do with myself when I get to my goal weight, that magic number on the scale.
Great read! Check out my fitness journey! https://fitforthenotfit.wordpress.com/
Sorry, hit the send button prematurely. LOL I need to keep this in mind, while trying once again to lose and be healthier. I am going to be who I am, regardless of my weight. Working on who I want to become more than a size I want to get to, may be just the ticket to keeping it off and staying healthy this time. Thank you for being so brutally honest.
Nahh. This is a good post and thank you for sharing . Anyone has own struggle , some are shame to tell some are not. Some are obvious some Not.
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As someone who has struggled with body image for so very long, I will congratulate you. I will congratulate you on knowing that the goal always has been and always will be self-love. It’s a life long process of growth-honor-being. It’s getting to a place of knowing that who we are has and always will be the road we travel to who we want to be. It’s not about numbers, it’s not about forgetting or remembering. It’s about knowing, knowing that we are strong and beautiful. Knowing that there is nothing that can stand in our fucking way of being the amazing human we’ve always been and always will be. There is always space for adding to being that we are, and that is growth. It is both daring and uncomfortable, but constantly evolving is a life long journey. There are no magic tricks only the joy of life and grabbing it by the horns exclaiming, “Fuck You!”, to anyone or anything that tries to make us feel less than we are. So, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are finding your being….your essence. There is no number on the planet that can compete with that.
Congratulations! What an inspiring story! 🙂
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I know exactly what you mean. At one point I was bigger than I wanted to be, so I did something about it, but even though I was lean, lithe, and toned, and “gorgeous” I still didn’t feel that way. People don’t understand sometimes that it IS more than just the number. Then I had a baby, got cancer, struggled with drug addiction, and I’m larger than I want to be at the moment, and I want to do something about it, but if it didn’t make me feel better the first time, why would I feel any different now? It’s frustrating to say the very least.
This is such a raw and honest post! Thank you for writing this. My family and I are about to kick off a weight loss challenge and this piece of advice is exactly what I need to focus on ‘during’ it all. Thanks for the added inspiration 🙂
There will only ever be you. You’re correct, the past and the future are simply concepts – they don’t exist.
Thanks for sharing, curious – have you ever looked into strength training?
-Flow.
I’m glad I stumbled upon this post (and your blog) as I’m just about to really try and lose weight. I’ve never really thought about the After because I’m still the Before. Perhaps knowing that it’s the During that counts will help make this change stick.
You are everything and more. Live your life today and, God willing, we all get tomorrow.
Thank you for your honest and pertinent penpersonship!
One’s self-connection is about taking a decision to help yourself. Vanity is empty. Self-help is about taking action towards finding and connecting with the source of our origins. The source of Truth and LOVE. That is why we as creatures feel the need of Truth and love. We have an urgency of going forward traveling and finding a source that will tell us who we are. We are wired this way because we need to know. It is not about finding yourself but finding the source of your origin, who is responsible for you coming into existence? How? Why? And for what purpose? It is not only self-love but being filled with love first to be able to understand it from within. Thus enabling you to love yourself and accepting yourself just as you are no matter what changes are made by you or caused by the circumstances of your life in the outside physical world. Is getting to know Truth & LOVE. A connection of creature with Creator forever. And that will be just the beginning of a relationship that will take you or may not take you where you want to go. It all depends in you to find then decide for yourself. Our Creator Loves YOU! Blessings to you! You are amazing and loved just the way you are. https://youtu.be/NLzlnvPFJS4
Love this, so inspirational! Thank you for sharing 🙂
An amazing blog, its great how the process of weight loss has been touched on, but not only the superficial manner for once.
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Reblogged this on littlefire and commented:
Wow, this is really something!
What a great piece. Thanks for sharing thoughts on this. I, too, have lost a good amount of weight over the past two years, 60 lbs over the past 9-10 months. All for a good reason, so don’t get me wrong. I like the ‘new ‘ me. Yet, when I see myself in the mirror, I am still looking for him – the new me, the one without all the noise and nonsense that the ‘old’ me was filled with. I am grateful to all my friends and family who have been positive and inspirational voices to me as I go through this. I am 52 years old this year and have spent the last 40 heavier than I should have been. I now am wearing sizes that I used to in highschool and am stronger (physically) each day due to workouts and weight training. My brain, though, isn’t transforming as quickly as my weight is melting off. Keep going and keep up the great job!
Loved this, I’m new to blogging if you could follow me I’d be very appreciative.
I needed this. I’ve feared this!
This is wonderful, I love the honesty. I am sorry to hear that you are lost at the moment with the “after”. Have you found a hobby that you really enjoy? Now, instead of focusing on the weight-loss you can fully enjoy that of which you love 🙂
Wow your so beautiful.. ☺☺
This is so true and perfectly stated!
I must say, what an inspiring story! Kudos to you!
I love I love
Beautiful and gives me courage
A strong woman you are
I struggle with my weight too now I know how to deal with it thank you
wow great ….
Hello Lisa, I know you’ve probably already had countless people ask you this, but could I please interview you for my blog? I aim to inspire people to rebuild a relationship of love and compassion with their body. An important part of that for me, is to remind people that the “after” is not the cure-all to our deep seated issues. I hope that interviewing someone who has truly been there, will provide us all with much needed insight. I would be so grateful if you allowed me to interview you. Could I please?
Hi Dany, thank you so much for asking me. 🙂 The only ooonly reason I’m going to pass is because I’m currently 6 months pregnant and struggling a lot with looking back at “where I was” vs. where I’m at now. I’m trying very hard to not focus so much on my weight and, in particular, weight loss right now just for my own mental health. I just can’t handle it right now! But thank you for thinking of me, reaching out, and asking.
Oh thank you for replying Lisa, and that is the absolute best rejection I’ve ever gotten, because you are prioritizing your emotional health. How can I be mad at that? Please do take good care of yourself, and I hope you find some peace in processing the now vs then of weight gain. Thank you for prioritizing you, because even in saying no, you are teaching us all the importance of self care
Congrats! Not many people have to courage that you have!! You’re beautiful, and even before your transformation you were beautiful and never let anyone tell you otherwise!
That is great.
I’ve been there before. I’ve gone from 200 to 160 and now 220. It is a difficult journey and most who’ve never struggled with weight won’t understand it.
I wish you luck upon your journey and I hope I can get to my “after” as well.
-Pierre
120 pounds for 5’6 inches is underweight. This is a great post but i see one extreme to perhaps far too far the other? You are a beautiful person at any weight but you are healthier. Just don’t lose too much. I’m a size zero and shorter than you and weigh more. Muscle weighs more and healthy muscular weight is often good.
To be clear, 120 pounds for 5’6” is not underweight. It’s a BMI of 19.4, which, yes, is at the lower end of the healthy range, but it is not underweight. That said, I’m currently 6 months pregnant and definitely no longer weigh 120 🙂 and I’ve been under doctor supervision for all parts of this journey.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! ♡♡♡
Fantastic piece. You go girl. Be YOU. “Me. I am the goal”. Perfect. Enjoy the today, every day. Hugs xoxo
Absolutely incredibly encouraging honest post and I love it! Finally, someone not afraid of the truth!
this is mind blowing and inspirational
Love your post! I hope you are discovering that no matter what you are beautiful inside and out, before and after! ❤️
PERFECT speech
I think you were beautiful then, and you are beautiful now. I’ve struggled with weight my entire life. My mom was bulimic and instead of that causing me to stay away from bad habits it made me run right into them. I’ve been as low as 110 and at my highest over 200. I’m not where I would like to be anyway. But I’m not sure that I will be where I feel comfortable in my own skin, and even wrote my own post about this as well. Life is tough, especially when you are your biggest critic. Take it day by day – or even if you need to hour by hour. This is such a strong message, and I think many people needed to hear it. God helps me everyday learn to love myself. Loving yourself is more then your weight. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for posting! I’m just starting my journey to loose weight starting today and have decided to blog my journey along the way with what I’m sure some days will be a tremendous struggle x
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Very much heard!
I hear you. I mourn for you. And for myself, and for all the others that struggle, with weight, with loss of health, jobs, mental stability or whatever else. I cried when I read what you said about identifying yourself with your weight, and the struggle who you are without. I’m a trauma survivor, and I ask myself the same questions, who am I without the struggle, the marks, the pain, it has become my identity to struggle. How about just being, how about learning to be and to live, who am I. I strongly resonate with your post, thank you very much for sharing it, you are very brave.
Beautiful. Thank you for saying the truth – I am an accordion – I pull the ripcord and get heavy, then lose a bunch and get normal on a kind of musical regularity. I look at pics of myself thin and think… looks ok, no better or worse… felt no different, clothes were just looser and more people commented on my weight. Same awkward muppet as always though
Good story of fat loss and ” life-gain”! The Trainer http://www.thetrainerhoodriver.com
Thank you for sharing a perspective I never thought about before. I wish you the best.
I totally understand how you feel. I relate to you so truly. Once you drop the weight it does not mean you have achieved it all or your battle with food is over. I have been in this constant battle all my life. I had lost 30lbs over a period of 1 year and got back to my old habits and by end of the next year I was again 40lbs overweight. I have started my weightloss journey once more. I am not sad for this as i feel i discovered myself a bit during all this. And i have come to terms with myself and started loving myself. I used to hate everything about my body earlier and i mean “Everything”. But this journey has made me realize i have so much awesomeness just a bit of extra fat. Just have to lose it but i have gained myself. 🙂
I hear you! And I want to internalize what you said for my own benefit. I’m in “before”, dreaming of “after” but not appreciating “during”.
What an awesome post. You are spot on. You are the same person, not better because you e lost weight but the same. How easily people forget this. We are so conditioned to approving of the external that people forget everything that’s happening underneath. I wish you every success on your journey and that you find a place of contentment, if not happiness, with who you are.
I hear you!
Such a powerful message and written with so much grace. Wow! Just wow.
Thank you for such a great post! this really is inspirational!
I love this post. As I sit here, looking more like a “before” than an “after,” it reminds me of my own struggles. Thank you for being strong enough to share this with the world.
I hear you loud and clear! You have wonderful perspective, you got it going on! After all, you got it going on. You will go everywhere! Thanks for posting!
Thank you for this beautiful post. Every word is absolutely true. Every single one. Combined over years the times I’ve lost weight is probably in high hundreds of pounds never grasping that ME THEN and ME NOW is one and the same… Self Love is the hardest to gain because it is the only thing that had been lost along the pounds. Thank you for this post over and over again,
so inspiring
Very strong message and one a lot of people need to hear. They need to love who they were and who they would become after the weight loss. There was nothing wrong with your previous self except that you were not physically fit and nothing more. The person underneath the weight will always remain the same so love her, cherish her and adore her even if others won’t
We are so much nicer to others (even strangers) than we are to the one person who stays with us for our entire life. Although I haven’t had a serious issue with weight since my twenties, (I nowm having a serious problem looking at he old lady in the mirror
Fantastic post, and well done!
For someone who is currently at the gym almost every day trying to change my appearance, this reminded me that while I can still do that, I need to remember to do it for the right reasons and not hate myself for eating a large fry every now and then or skipping the gym every now and then.
Absolutely heard. Oh my god. Beautiful.
Thank you for this and I hope that day by day you will love yourself a little bitmore
wonderful read and a wonderful insight. Thank you
I can definitely relate with this story. In 2011, my New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. I ended up losing 100lbs that year. I’ve maintained that weight loss since then; however, it took more than 2 years after losing the weight until I truly began to love the person that I am. Physically, things got worse after weight loss, as many underlying health issues came to light. Psychologically, I hated myself more than I did when I was obese. The thing that turned it all around was when I decided to stop allowing myself to be my own worst enemy. I stopped telling myself the mean things that I (and others) had told myself when I was overweight. It’s not an easy process, but you’ve got to make a daily, hourly decision to be kind to yourself. You’ll get there. Don’t give up!
This is beautifully written, I love the symbolism of the phrase “Before and After”, this gives me ideas for my own blog. You are gorgeous in all pictures
Well said, I never had problems with weight loss but with weight gain and I have reached my goal for weight gain. Your story has inspired me to Find myself and enjoy the process.
You are an inspiration
Loved your story, being 60 and having struggled with weight most of my adult life, I understand. I’ved lost, gained, lost and gained again, I loved your prespective..thank you for reminding me….I am still me, and that’s a strong, loving and giving woman.
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I hear you too. Great post! We only have now, but can vary our perspective. I’ve been all kinds of weights, but that’s just an earth thing … and I’m all of them. I think you HAVE found yourself.
Hell Yeh I hear you sister, keep going, keep strong and better yourself further if you need it. I suffer with depression and image issues it sucks big time. Stay true to yourself! 💪🏃☺
This is great. Glad you’re on to a healthier mind to go with your healthier body!
I was so riveted reading this because, I know exactly what you mean.
Wow… this speaks volumes to me.
People seem to me so lost in the After thinking That is the end when you reach certain weigh goal. It is so not. I am so happy you shared your thoughts and feelings so openly and honestly. I have been on what feels like a weigh roller coaster and still am forced on these crazy rides no matter how hard I try or how long I have been ‘fine’. Some part of me believes, that once it starts it is a never ending story…
Wow, great post
So, many replies. I started reading your blog from the beginning yesterday. You, before, after, thin, large strike me as a wonderful person. Thoughtful, self-analytical, loving, and caring are all qualities that I get a little glimpse of from this view. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with me.
Hi, even though you said don’t congratulate, I feel I must I have been where you are and now I am before and I am ruining my life but I have no strength, interior or otherwise but I must say well done, and even if you are struggling because I know that you will ALWAYS you are a brave soul and a determined one at that! I send you lots of love and I hope that it stops being a struggle for you with all my heart!
❤ xxx
You didn’t mince words, and that helps cut through the crap. Throughout the reading of your blog, under my breath, it was “Yes… Yes… Yes…” Thanks for having the courage to express yourself. Inspiring.
I hear you and appreciate you being so honest. All these replies tell you how much others are going through the same thing. Same thing but in different ways.
This article is truth.
Great read, thanks for sharing your story. Keep up the good work! x
This is an amazing thing to discover, not only about yourself, but about weight loss and health in general. I appreciate the distinction you unfolded in your story. I can only imagine such a drastic journey, but it seems you’ve calibrated your brain for the best. Nice! I can learn something from this.
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I am you…you are me. Even though we are each unique individuals, I hear you, I feel you. I’ve lost 60 lbs with 45 to go
and yet still see the same person. I don’t feel different inside just puzzled. The sharing of still being me, no matter my size or how I look is so powerful. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, yes, I’m still here, it’s me. Thank you for your posts as they are far more true than any pictures. It’s great to hear you want and do hike, want to travel and have a family. There will be no after for me either. My heart feels so heavy reading and feeling so much truth here. Discovering myself away from a mirror and taking more steps on my journey is scary and exciting. Bless you and the rest of us as we learn to love ourselves.
Very well written…
Thank you so much for sharing this amazing message. I am sitting at my desk at work, balling my eyes out. in a good way! I still have 150 pounds to loose and a lot of the time I am only focusing on the “after” . What I am going to look like, or feel like, or what miraculous event will happen when I reach the “after” part of my journey. I forget that there is more than just dropping the weight, I have to work on loving who I am, no matter the number on the scale. Thank you so much for sharing this, you have changed my outlook on this whole journey! ❤
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I can so relate to this. I lost 38.5 kgs in my early twenties after a lifetime of being overweight. Although my exterior changed, the changes on the interior were not as I expected. I kept telling people, I am essentially the same person I was before the weight loss (plus one more goal under my belt). The biggest thing that changed was actually how people treated me. Thanks for sharing your experience. I enjoyed reading it! 🙂
Yes, I hear you: “This blog is not about weight loss…it’s about life gain.” So glad you know that. I just found you because of your feature on the WordPress blog. All of the photos on this page show a beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
YOU ARE AMAZING! One of the most powerful women i heard about. Thank you.
You’re right, there is no before or after. You are a beautiful and strong woman, in all of your forms. It takes a lot of courage to make even the smallest changes in our lives and it’s a constant battle, a choice we make every day, every hour, every minute. It’s so easy for us to get caught up in who we are “supposed to be” that we forget who we want to be. Who we are is so much more than the packaging on the outside and appearances can be deceiving. Thank you for being an inspiration to so many who fight the daily battle to just be the truest version of themselves.
Powerful message. My experience has thought me that it is valid for any struggle. It’s when you start understanding what you just did that you truly grow from your experiences. Needless to say, a healthy body is easier to get than a healthy mind, but the latter is so much more rewarding 😉
I never had any weight or food-related problems, but I’ve had my share of other issues. What I found is that the hardest experiences for the mind are the ones embedding the greatest potential for growth. The hard part is to actually let the mind embrace it’s vulnerability and let itself grow. The mind can offer so much resistance, especially when there are no real answers to satisfy it… Meditation has helped me a lot with this. If you are not familiar with meditation and are open to potential opportunities for growth, I strongly encourage you to try it. It may take many weeks before you see any benefits, or before you even feel that you can do it properly. But if you take it seriously, the impact can be profound at best, or insignificant at worst ;-). Honestly, I don’t think it can be negative.
The best way is probably to find a good teacher, but if it is complicated for you, I encourage you to look up http://www.headspace.com. Andy, the English Tibetan Buddhist monk teaching the courses is fantastic, and I have learned a lot from him. I hope he may help you too 😉
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Thank you for this. I prefer to just love myself as I am – overweight and addicted to food. BUT, I am not healthy. I am not physically well because my weight means I have lowered my energy and can’t do some things I’d like to do because I don’t have the stamina, endurance, strength or balance. I am not psychologically healthy because my overeating means I keep eating after my stomach is full and despite the discomfort it causes me afterwards, and I sometimes feel sad because I know I am causing harm to my body. I don’t really understand why I over-indulge in food, but I’m giving that a lot of thought and writing helps. I believe my abuse of food is emotionally driven as well as possibly having a biological cause. Your post wonderfully speaks to the need for giving these ideas our attention. I appreciate your honesty. (And I think the “before” you is just as beautiful, and worth hearing from, as your “after” self.)
Reblogged this on twopowers1 and commented:
The continuous struggle with an eating disorder and obesity
Wow. Tears. So much knowledge here. Now I feel like ur me and it’s really why we met. Thank you so much for sharing…how do I follow here?
It is never about the destination but always about the journey. It’s been a while since you posted this so how are you feeling now? Maybe you do look different from how you look now, but aside from physically different, both the images are still you.
You are right. Weight is just a number. I hope others realize this when they read it
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I really would like to know how you are feeling about yourself now…. At the moment I am working on losing as much weight as possible as I have severe health issues, and I do worry about what it will do to me if I actually ever reach the weight I would like to have. Certainly that won´t cure all of my problems, and I am not sure if I will ever be happy with myself. For the last 20 years I always used my weight as a shield from things I was scared of, and there where plenty of them! So I have no idea what`s going to happen but I am willing to give it a try now. Thank you for the strong honest words, I am sure you will find your way eventually 🙂
Oh gosh, well… I’m pregnant, so that has brought on a whole new world of feelings. I’ve gained 32 pounds (I’m 34 weeks along), and this entire pregnancy has brought a lot of emotions and change. I do understand using weight as a shield… when I reached my lowest weight, I was terrified to no longer have the weight to focus on. And, I’ll get to focus on it a bit again post-pregnancy. But, I’m pretty sure my priorities will be totally different. I’m still working on the same demons I was a year ago…big, small, pregnant…the demons remain the same.
Hello 🙂
We would love to feature ‘the after myth’ on Kindness Blog with links back to you. Would that be OK? No problems if not.
Best, Mike.
Of course 🙂 thank you
Lisa, thank you so much 🙂
Would you also, possibly, consider having us put this forward to Huffington Post?
I love what you said about there being no before or after only during. Only today. Thank you! That really resonates with me and those are the words I need to remind myself of!
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I’ve been terrified of starting my journey because I don’t want to lose me, I don’t want to lose “her.” This is what I needed to read. Thank you.
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I hear you loud and strong. How is your journey going?
I couldn’t say it any better myself. I myself lost over 100 lbs 8 years ago and I resonate with this.
There is no “after” …it’s always a work in progress. Stay strong and PROUD !!!
I hear you and I thank you ❤️
wow…this brought tears to my eyes and touched me in a way nothing ever has. …good luck in rediscovering you
That is the most beautiful thing I have ever read!! U should write a book!! It’ll be a bestseller!! BRAVO!!
Powerful…may I share this?
Of course!
Thank you!
I saved this article one year ago, after my own 110 lb weight loss, and I came back to it today after struggling not to steadily gain half of it back. The problem for me was that, after I lacked the satisfaction I thought I would feel I reaching my “after,” I slowly but steadily put myself on a path back to “before.” I need to accept that I am a work in progress, but after working so hard and gaining again, I’m in a worse place than before, although I am still significantly healthier (at least physically) than I was before I lost weight. Thank you for sharing this struggle, I will be returning to this post frequently as I try to figure out what the future may hold.
I hear you. Now, at 9.5 months pregnant, the scale is up…oh…nearly 40 pounds. I’m going to be at a “new before” after this baby arrives as well. And it’s hard. And it sucks. And I feel like there’s no way I can ever get back on track (I’ve changed significantly since writing this post!). But that’s ok. We don’t need to be who we were; we just need to be who we are. And it’s ok. I hope. I’m trying to tell myself it’s ok 😉
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Congratulations! The amount of time it took me to scroll down is an indication of how many lives you have touched! Simply inspiring! I would like to take a leaf out of your book! 🙂
I. Hear. You! Loud and clear. Congratulations on figuring out that you’re worth the real challenge in life!
I hear you and I can so relate! 2 months ago I started the TSFL plan and it is the first time I am having regular predictable weight loss. I have always been overweight, I have dieted on and off forever, that has always been a part of who I am as well. While I am now successfully losing weight I am finding myself somewhat uncomfortable in my body, everything is different yet I am the same. I had no idea that it would be hard to deal with the results of weight loss and I’m only 9 weeks into it and 30 pounds lighter. But I too realize the big challenge is not about the loss, but who I become. Almost too much for my little brain! 😉 I am not open about this it is hard for me to talk about, my family doesn’t even know I am making changes (other than husband and kids) I am trying to learn how to balance it all and I similar to you have started a blog to try to work it all out, keep track, note where I have been and where I am going. I haven’t posted pictures yet, too afraid…but I am taking them and will eventually. Thanks for your blog and sharing your journey!
Just stumbled across your post by accident. Yes, yes, yes. I lost just over 120lbs last year and so relate to all of this.
Reblogged this on justdotodayblog.
I love your article! I can identify with your perception of it all. At 47 years old, I cannot remember a time in my life that weight was bot an issue. I was a chubby baby. In schook, I was always the biggest girl in my class. My mother always struggled with her Wright too and I remember her taking me with her to diet clubs and weight Watchers meetings. By the time I was 16 I weighed in at 210. Turning from a child to an adult I had a lot more going on in my life than just school, TV and food. I dieted on and off and slowly by the time I was about 20 I had gotten down to 170. I had some turmoil in my life and quickly dropped another 20 lbs and something inside me clicked and I started walking every day and using my stress and depression as a motivator. In a year I had gotten down to 130 and fell in love with my future husband. I stayed between 125 and 135 for the five years we dated and we’re engaged and through ten years of marriage. I was 36 and thin and happy. Then my husband left me. This time my depression didn’t motivate me. I was tired and had lost my lust for life. We have since divorced and it’s been over ten years of heartache and feeling bad about myself and now at 47 I am back to 210. So you are right. There is no end. Once a struggle, always a struggle. I hope one day soon I can lose weight again as I’ve since fallen on love again and am engaged to be married bit I haven’t started to make any plans as I had gone wedding gown dress shopping and the sales girl took pictures of me and I lhorrified. I felt like I looked like a fat cow and I don’t want to be looking like that in my wedding photos. I’ve been trying since the first of the year and have just been up and down… loose ten, gain ten, start over again and again. That’s where I’m at. Good bless you and good luck.
Reblogged this on studykorea and commented:
I’m not the “After” yet, but this post made me think
I am really glad to see that you have lost the weight and are keep it up that is also one of the difficult parts keeping it up.
Hi I wonder if you’re still working your After and your blog. I lost 110 pounds back in 2008 to 2009. I’ve regained about 10 pounds and have been using My Fitness Pal. I also think a support group that goes beyond diet and weight loss is CRITICAL. I feel I needed to get to why I ate and to find alternatives. I’m in a group called Food Addicts in Recovery. It keeps me focused on mental, spiritual and physical recovery. And I help others in their journey. We are always helping each other because it’s so easy in our culture of unhealthy food and habits to put it back on
Hi Barb! I got pregnant and had my first child since writing this post, so I am definitely not 120 pounds any longer 🙂 I gained about 37 pounds while pregnant and now weigh about 148 pounds and have a goal of losing about 18 pounds — though I’m not doing a very good job of that right now lol.
Hi, I have lost approx 100 pounds by having Gastric Bypass Surgery 3 years ago. I still consider myself a failure as I have not even left the “obese” catagory. I am 5 ft tall and weigh 158.5 pounds. According to the BMI charts I need to be between 98 lbs and 127 pounds to be a “normal” person. So I need to lose another 30 something to 64 pounds. I am 49 years old, have a highly stressful job, highly stressful marriage of 30 years, which is crumbling daily. My kids think I’m crazy. Had to crap out on my granddaughter for a sleep over this weekend because I’m in one of those “crazy motherf’er moods” where I hate myself and everyone in my life. I am thinking of moving out of my family home and living alone. I still have 1 15 year old at home. I think I’m going crazy…….I’m miserable and yes there are no rainbows and losing weight doesn’t change your problems. I feel worse about myself than I did prior to surgery at 260pounds. I have gut pain all the time, am anemic to the point of needing infusions, have made some rather foolish decisons such as leaving a long time job, that yes while boring, it was comfortable to go to a high stress job for the “title”……I am afraid my doctor will form 1 me tomorrow (In Ontario that is what they do if they think you are a risk to yourself) I don’t know though, I sometimes think I would rather die than live like this anymore. Sorry for the rant. Your story is great because it is true and doesn’t colour coat, we need to hear this shit……congratulations to you and peace with you daily.
I am so very sorry to hear the incredible amount of difficulty and stress that you are going through. While I know going into a hospital might seem really frighting and like “the lowest low” for you right now, I can tell you from experience that it can be a positive, life-altering event … even if it really sucks too. If that’s where you’re at right now, I would encourage you to at least give it a try. There are doctors and nurses there to help — truly help — even if it seems like everything is just messed up. Life can be turned around. Things can get better. And I say that from personal experience having been in the darkest of dark places.
Be gentle with yourself. You are important. You matter.
Seriously, maybe the most powerful thing I have ever read….. Thank you for saying all of this. I am losing weight, but never want to forget the 320+ lb woman I was/am because she is a bad ass. 🙂 And this…”this (blog) is not about weight loss…it’s about life gain” is going to become my new mantra. Please take all of the energy you have been using to lose weight and focus it on continuing to write, because girl…you are a fantastic writer!! 🙂
Thank you for writing this.
I am literally sitting here crying as I type. Just 2 days ago I weighed in (I only do so every few weeks) and discovered I’ve literally lost a 3rd of myself. You’d think that would cause elation, right?
No.
See I’m only a few Short months into my journey but I’ve recently started to realize that there will never be an after for me either…..
So much of my identity (for my entire life) has been tied to being overweight…. and now I realize one day I won’t be anymore…. and I don’t know who or what or were that leaves me. It’s scar to make a realization like this.
These words you wrote…. I swear you pulled them from my heart:
“I uncovered myself one pound at a time; now, I must REcover myself…I must DIScover myself. And that…that is the new goal. Not numbers. Not sizes. Not inches.
Me. I am the goal. Finding. Loving. Being.”
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I hear you. I was overweight my entire life. A few years ago I finally tried Weight Watchers and lost about 35 pounds in 6 months. I was an “after.” But every day I still struggled with my food, my body. My brain never really caught up to my body. I still felt like a fat girl. Eventually the weight crept back because I didn’t address the root of my problem. I still don’t even know what that root really is. And here I am again looking for that “after” goal.
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I just found this post and my takeaway idea is “There is no “after,“ but there is right now and we can celebrate this!”
I’d love to share this post. Is there a way to remove the f-bomb so that I can share it. Such good insights! Plz reply to hdrdma@gmail.com
Thank you for reading! I’m not planning to edit this post or change any language, but I understand if the language used makes you uncomfortable sharing. Thanks for reading anyways 🙂
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