Fuck Thin; I Choose Fat

I know I just wrote a post days ago about how well following my hunger was going, but now I need to come here and be real with you.

 
I’ve been down on myself since my surgery last week because it meant having to stop exercising and then having to limit my exercise for a period of time. 

I have been very hungry, and I have eaten…and not always the most nutritious foods. I got hooked on the scale a bit again, watched it jump up overnight, and panicked.

I jumped back into the gym before my doctor wanted me to, I pushed too hard, and I insulted myself internally when my body failed to perform.
I have felt out of control. I started fretting about calories again. I looked in the mirror over and over and over trying to see if I was bigger. 

I am full of anxiety, panic, fear. Fear that I’m gaining fat. Fear that I am out of control and cannot regain it. Fear that I am no longer good at being hungry and not eating.

I do not want to live this way. This isn’t a way to live. And, I am so angry.
I’m angry that I can’t control my thoughts and fears. I’m angry that this…THIS…is what’s taking up all of my energy and brain space.

Fuck. This.

Fuck This picture of my fat loss
Fuck this picture of my body composition history.
And ESPECIALLY Fuck This picture that went viral of my eating disorder weightloss
Do you know what happens when you die?

You leave your body behind.

Your thin body, your fat body, your firm body, your squishy body… it doesn’t matter how thin, fat, or muscular it is — your body stays behind, and it’s buried in the ground. And the body you leave behind is no comfort to those who love you, because it becomes vividly clear at the moment of death that you are not your body.

I have had the honor at being at both of my grandmothers’ passings, and I can tell you that there is a very distinct moment when a person becomes a body.

I know that is morbid — maybe too morbid for this medium. Well, I’m not sorry.

We (myself included) spend so much time, energy, effort, and money on the one part of ourselves that we ultimately leave behind. I’m not saying to completely ignore it; I’m just saying that what it looks like really does. not. matter. It just doesn’t. And I, personally, have invested a lifetime’s worth of anxiety into that bit.

So, here’s the deal.

I’m going to let myself get fat.

I’m going to keep eating when I am hungry.

I am going to keep having dessert and peppermint mochas and kettle-cooked potato chips with my white-bread sandwiches.

I’m going to keep lifting weights and running, because I love how it makes me feel. I am going to pursue a half marathon, a marathon, and who knows what else, because it excites me. But, I am also going to rest more when my body needs it.

And, I am going to let my body get fat if that is what doing all of this makes happen.

And, if you look at my fatter body and feel a little bit of smug pride in yourself for being thinner, then good! I am glad that I could in any way contribute to you feeling good about yourself for even a moment.

If you think I’ve gotten lazy, am making poor choices, am giving up, weak, or ruining something, then why are you still here? It sounds like we wouldn’t make great friends. I’m ok with that.

I don’t need you to approve of my body. I don’t always approve of it either, and I still get through the day.
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20 thoughts on “Fuck Thin; I Choose Fat

  1. I totally get it!
    Thanks for sharing for real……
    My one thing I haven’t done has been to get on a scale. Thank G I don’t have one. They don’t work for me. I can gain 5 lbs just by looking at it.
    I am fatter than when I was too thin. My clothes are tight. And I feel good in my body. It isn’t what I have wanted my body to be…..but it is what I have. I excercise. I eat. The one thing I could work on is getting off my back. Ease up. It’s oksy to rest, to sit and read a book….’do nothing’, just drink a cup of tea. I’m not going to blow up overnight, even though that has been a hidden fear probably running me wild a lot of my life.

    • I think I need to do a photo shoot of me beating the crap out of my scale.

      And, yes…it’s OK and NECESSARY to rest. As hard and agonizing as it can be to just let the little frantic voice “yammer on” and ignore it, sometimes you just have to do it anyways. Just do nothing.

  2. I love you. I love you for being willing to say all the things I wish I could. And say it perfectly. That is all.

    PS: if you feel differently some day, I will still love you, because none of us feel the exact same way about this fucking “journey “ every single day.

    • I’m sure that I WILL feel differently… feelings are never permanent. But, I’m committing to this. And commitment goes beyond feelings. I am committing to doing this no matter how it feels, because doing this aligns with my vital identity and values.

  3. Hi Lisa,
    I have been a silent but enthusiastic supporter of your bravery, honesty to say nothing of your insightful writing skills. Your inspiring clarity rocks in so many ways. Do you see how that is helpful, nurturing and comforting to so many people? Please say YES!
    People who don’t feel understood, and maybe a tad hopeless, see in you perseverance and resilience, which are excellent qualities to share. You are throwing out a much needed life preserver, this is your gift to us which unfortunately you seem to be overlooking today.Today I perceive your need to be let off the weight/diet/body image merry-go-round. The golden ring your are looking for may be found with Dr. Amy Johnson, a transformational human being. She will convince you that you are perfect the way you are. Trust me. Blessings to you my dear

  4. I feel relieved that you’ve decided to do whatever it is best for you, rather than follow a set of rules. I firmly believe that our head is often in conflict with our gut, but our gut feelings are always right, aren’t they? Even when we don’t know the reason we feel compelled to do or not do something, which in turn causes our brain to take over, deep down we, or rather our gut is right. And it sounds like you’re going to listen to your gut rather than your brain, and that, my friend, is a very good thing.

  5. I love you!! You are so brave, so honest, so real. I’ve actually sent a link from your blog to one of my clients who is suffering similarly. It helps others to know that they are not alone in their struggles.

  6. Considering what happens when you die isn’t morbid — in fact, it’s a great way to remind yourself to live while you’re still alive. So do what makes you happy. Let go of the fear and anxiety, and embrace the running and weight training, but also the peppermint mochas and kettle-cooked potato chips with your white-bread sandwiches. Because no matter the shape of your body you’ll still be YOU … and YOU are amazing.

  7. I wish I was as brave as you I too am ruled by the scales, the diet club, the fear.
    I’ve just been on a mini break and am terrified of weighing in next week
    I can’t enjoy the anticipation of Christmas for fear of what it will do to my body
    So I applaud you girl because one day I want to be as brave as you

    • My best advice is that you’re going to have to do it while it feels wrong. This doesn’t “FEEL” right for me… It feels terrifying and like I’m failing. But, my rational, logical, wise self knows differently — so I am doing it anyways. It’s about deciding and doing it regardless of how you (or, you know, how my ED) feel.

  8. YES. Good for you. You are not lying about the brain-space this takes up, or about life being short. Who wants to look back and see half of their entire life’s energy going towards forcing their body to be a certain kind of way, then being angry and depressed when it doesn’t work, or doesn’t last? Staying reasonably healthy and active is one thing, letting diet and numbers control your life is another. There is so much more to be found in the world. Good luck on your journey. ❤

  9. Hug
    This is not easy. I’ve been trying to find that inner peace for years.
    Throw that scale away.
    It’s a huge gift to yourself.
    And honestly, everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves to really notice anyone else.

    Anne

  10. I’m here because you fight–whatever that fight. You got grit: exploring, trying, reflecting, adjusting, doing, moving, winning, failing…it’s all fighting. Externals?–blades of grass: here today, gone tomorrow. It’s that gal inside whose got her true north dialed despite the fear that I admire and gain inspiration from. As I drag my 275 pound ass through my next Spartan Run (ha…”Shuffle” more like), thinking I’m going to die with ever breath as the gazelles bound past, I’ll be drawing strength from your fight! Rock on, girl, rock on.

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