I know it’s been a while, but truth be told, there’s not been much to write about. Recovery generally means NOT thinking much about food, weight, numbers, etc. Well…until the ED tries to sneak back in.
I’ve gained weight. Roughly 10 pounds in a year. Today, I’m OVER the weight I stabilized at last time. And, boy, am I hit with F E E L I N G S.
The instantaneous urge (and socially accepted message) is “time to lose some weight before this comes a bigger problem.” Boy is that message loud in my head today. But, here’s the thing: I cannot casually lose weight. I cannot. The moment I start trying at all, I am consumed with obsession. The food rules pile up, the number tracking becomes obsessive, and I start spending tons of money on “safe foods” that I may never even eat.
I won’t be able to cook anymore, because tracking it will be too hard. The meals I’ve made and frozen will go to waste, because I won’t know the calories in them. I won’t be able to eat out, because the nutrition information isn’t available. I won’t be able to think of anything but food and numbers. I won’t be able to engage fully with my kids, because I will be hungry and obsessing. I won’t be able to hang out with my new friends I recently made, because I will avoid all social situations where food is involved.
So, here is where push comes to shove — for real. I’m over the weight I stabilized at last time. I’m over my “safe, comfortable-enough” weight. The numbers are wrong, bad, horrible numbers that hurt and terrify me. They are on my chest like an anvil…pressing.
Here’s where my recovery is challenged.
And, this time, I’m going to win.
No food rules. No number tracking. Just as I once sat and cried and panicked over eating an apple that took me over my daily calorie “limit,” I will sit and feel all the pain and fear over being heavier than what was “safe.”
And it will be ok.
I will still be safe.
I will still be a good mom. I will still be a good wife. I will still be a good-enough person.
I will still be worthy of love, and I will still be loved.
It is ok to be imperfect. It is ok to be squishy and lumpy and human. It is ok to recover.