So, I Started a YouTube Channel…

I’m kind of hesitant/reluctant to share this here, because writing is definitely “my language,” but I’ve decided to start a YouTube channel. Actually, I used to vlog back in college, so this isn’t an entirely new medium for me, but, in any case… this is just a very short entry to say “hey…if you’ve ever wondered what I sound like…now you can know…”

The channel is going to be quite similar to this blog. I want to be open and honest about my previous weight loss journey, eating disorder recovery, intuitive eating, mental health, and fitness journey. I’m always open to suggestions on what to film; there are a few little videos up right now. I’ll post one below! Side note: right now, I am just filming with my phone until I decide if this is something I see myself doing long-term. Right now, I’m just dipping my toe into this new hobby.

I Am a Fraud

I am a fraud.

Four months ago, I came on here and wrote that I was done caring about what the scale said. Fuck Thin; I Choose Fat was so easy to say, though, when the scale had been sitting eerily still for months on end. The truth is, the moment that scale moved again — even just a tiny bit — I freaked out and jumped right back on the diet train for the last month.

To be honest, guys, I’m kind of a fraud all around. I write in these blogs with all of the passion I have in a given moment, but then I immediately turn around to my real life of not actually knowing who I am or what I believe. I preach intuitive eating and “screw diets” while not-so-secretly still dieting myself. I say “I’d rather be fat than eating disordered” while secretly thinking to myself “but, I don’t want to give up my thin privilege now that I’ve finally gotten it.”

It is so easy to preach “be done with diets” when society, doctors, and everyone around you is no longer really telling you, personally, that you should be dieting. It is so easy to say “all foods are allowed” when people around you have finally determined that you are deserving of all foods now that you have lost the weight. When nobody is side-eyeing you for buying candy or for being in a store that doesn’t even carry your size.

The world is shitty to fat people.

Why wouldn’t I be afraid of being back in that place?

In any case, this post is mostly just me coming back, tail between my legs, and telling you that I totally did not do the thing I said I was going to do. That being said, I’m here to try again. A little humbler, and a little more honest.